I didn't CHEAT, but I did LIE...Please, I need your advice!

[PoloPony22]

To make a long story short, an ex-coworker and I started flirting, and hanging out a little bit. I made the stupid mistake of sending him a flirty text message, and my boyfriend went through my phone and found it. I told him that i was just flirting, and that we had never hung out or anything. We had actually watched two movies together, but had never been physical at all together. It was stupid.

 

That happened in December. Since then, my bf has broken up with me (only for a few hours/a day at the most) multiple times. Things will be going great in the relationship, and then he will bring it up (he thinks that for sure I slept with him, which i didn't). Every time, I deny that we had ever even hung out, let alone sleep together. He gets over it (briefly) and then the cycle will start again.

 

Things have been great for the past few months--no talk at all about it. However, this morning, all of a sudden, he said that he knows that I saw Movie A and Movie B with him (which I did), and that he "talks to people". He called me a f*ing lier and said he didn't want to be with me. (My ex coworker did not tell him, and how he knows remains a mystery.) He kept telling me to stop lying. I panicked at first and told him that I didn't watch the movies.

 

I feel as if I come clean, then he will think i have been lying about EVERYTHING, that I slept with this guy, that everything is BS. We have been together for about a year, and it's not BS; it literally was just a stupid thing that happened for about a week.

 

Which is worse--coming clean after I had lied to his face for 6 months and risking the fact that he will think that I lied about sleeping with him also? OR maintaining the same lie that I have been maintaining for 6 months--that I have never hung out with this kid.

 

He keeps telling me to stop lying to him. And I want to because I love him to death and I want to have an honest relationship with him. I know that honesty is the best policy, and that most people are going to advise me to "come clean", but realistically, I am so afraid that this will be the end.

 

Any advice? Any please, be gentle! I know I'm wrong.

[chai714]

Continuing lying would be worse.

 

Problem with you is that you lied about something which any boyfriend would feel is damaging evidence. He figures, "if she lied about this, then she probably lied about this, this, and this" and before you know it, he doesn't trust ANYTHING you say. Eventually, he becomes so insecure (because of your lies) that he doesn't know what to believe anymore.

 

In this case, you continued lying for a significant period of time. This really hurt your relationship.

 

You don't have many options because you lose bargaining power when you are caught in a lie. My only advice is to figure out a way to make him feel secure with you and to regain your trust. Regaining trust can only be established by living and being honest - which is done over a long period of time.

[Day_Walker]

It is a hard call but unless you move past this issue the relationship is bound to remain volitile. I dont think this issue is ever going to be resolved if you keep lying about it.

[PoloPony22]

And in coming clean about hanging out, there's no way for me to articulate to him that I DIDN'T have any physical relationship with this other guy...since I lied about hanging out, why wouldn't I lie about everything else, right?

 

Is there any way for me to lessen this result?

[Skippy]

The reason why it kept coming up again and again is because he didnt trust you. He wants to trust you but he cant, because he knows that you have not come CLEAN. He didnt have the evidence so he tried to sollow it and relationships doesnt work that way.

 

This is out of your hands, if you lie, it will continue coming up to haunt you and him. He will coninue trying to find out about it and thus it will poison your relationship slowly and it will KILL you relationship.

 

My advice is to come clean, tell everything. The fact that you were stupid and you made a mstake. People are allowed to make mistakes. There is nothing that you can say to prove to him about you not sleeping with this guy so you have to stand strong and say that. you flirted but you didnt TOUCH. He will be Frigging mad, I just have to hope that he cools down and see the bigger picture.

 

Repleat and stand your ground in terms of not having sex or touching, and admit you flirted no more. Stand your ground on that one. Admit mistake.

[chai714]

Admit guilt, come down hard on yourself - harder than he has. Tell him that you feel low about yourself, that this guilt has been consuming you and that you have trouble sleeping. It's vital that he knows that you did not feel good about lying and that you deserve whatever decision he makes.

 

As a guy, if my girlfriend of 1 year lied about hanging out with a co-worker AND I read her flirtacious text messages - she would be done.

 

The only way to lessen the result is to let him know that you are 110% wrong, made a mistake, and feel beyond guilty. Don't make excuses for your behavior or try to minimize anything that you did. This will probably be the best tactic you can use. Good luck.

[lunatic]

Continuing lying would be worse.

 

Problem with you is that you lied about something which any boyfriend would feel is damaging evidence. He figures, "if she lied about this, then she probably lied about this, this, and this" and before you know it, he doesn't trust ANYTHING you say. Eventually, he becomes so insecure (because of your lies) that he doesn't know what to believe anymore.

 

In this case, you continued lying for a significant period of time. This really hurt your relationship.

 

You don't have many options because you lose bargaining power when you are caught in a lie. My only advice is to figure out a way to make him feel secure with you and to regain your trust. Regaining trust can only be established by living and being honest - which is done over a long period of time.

 

I agree with Chai on this one. Why in the world did you lie to him in the first place? I mean if you told him in the beginning that you watched a couple of movies with this guy and NOTHING happened. Then this would not be an issue. Once you lie about something like this for an extended period you open up a who new mess. You lied to him for six months and now you want to come clean. I don't understand the need to lie about it in the first place since it was so innocent.

 

I think the only thing left to do is to be truthful and tell him everything. I can tell you now that the relationship is probably over at this time. I would leave too if you lied to my face for that long. I just don't know what you were thinking about when you lied to him. He knows because he knows someone who knows this guy more than likely. So he is probably getting the information from the proverbial horses mouth.

[yeawutever]

Lying more about lying will only damage the relation further more. He's up to the point he doesn't know what exactly to believe. In fact I think if I had a b/f that lied about that simple thing, I would probably be thinking of the worst and it would get to the point I would break up. You have to reassure him that you made a mistake about lying over stupid stuff but never had any physical contact with that guy.

[thegirl_00]

Yes... come clean about EVERYTHING. The boyfriend im with right now was in the same situation your in. He lied to me and then kept lying even when people TOLD me to my face what had happened.

Now im slowely starting to trust him again and thats because he's learnt the lesson to not lie. Relationships ARE based on trust, lets not forget.

 

Tell him about the movie you saw with this guy, and about you guys hanging out. Tell him everything so you wont have to keep getting caught up in your lies. If he dumps you after you come clean then you will know that it just wasn't meant to be because you ARE the one in the wrong here and he deserves 100% to know the truth.

Good Luck.

[PoloPony22]

I just told him the truth. He said that he hated me and that I was a **** and that I am a disappointment to my family, etc. I'm so upset right now, I don't know what to do...

[chai714]

Now, don't contact him for at least a few days. Reflect on what just happened and let the cooling off period begin.

[lunatic]

Well what did you expect him to do. You hurt him really bad by lying to him for so long. I bet he has known for months and was pushing you to tell the truth. Give him some space and time then see what happens. Next time in the future you will tell truth. The truth always comes out in the end no matter what you do to hide it.

[PoloPony22]

I want to go over and try to talk it out with him. This has happened before (not not this badly) and we have always worked it out. I'm afriad he's going to go out and sleep with other girls now (like tongiht) because that is his way of getting back at me, and I can't handle that.

[Skippy]

Take time off. give him room to breath and figure things out. Dont crowd him.

[kellbell]

"I want to go over and try to talk it out with him. This has happened before (not not this badly) and we have always worked it out. I'm afriad he's going to go out and sleep with other girls now (like tongiht) because that is his way of getting back at me, and I can't handle that."

 

I understand you feel bad but this is the risk you take by admitting the truth or admitting guilt...losing the other person. If he goes out and sleeps with other girls, you cannot control that. But you cannot have it both ways, deceiving him for so long like you have and then worry about his integrity.

 

Leave him be for a while...give him some credit. Assuming he will go out and sleep with other girls speaks volumes about your relationship as a whole. Let him think for awhile, when he is wants to talk or when he is ready, he will call. Keep yourself busy in the meantime.

[lunatic]

You still never answered why you felt you had to lie to him in the first place.

[Carnatic]

well there's no point in continuing to deny you ever hung out with the coworker, you boyfriend at this point knows you are lying; so the only way to get him to see that you aren't lying about not having slept with the guy is to apologise and say you were lying about hanging out with the coworker because you felt guilty for having done so and were worried he would jump to conclusions, and swear down you were only lying because you felt ashamed for flirting with other guys and hoped it would all be forgotten about if you ignored it, not because you had further, guiltier secrets to hide. Unfortunately it sounds like your boyfriend is quite insecure, and insecure guys will have a hard time believing that their girlfriends are with them because they want to be; so he may still think you must have slept with the guy. You'll just have to try your hardest to come accross as frank, honest and down to earth if he is to believe you. best of luck.

[thegirl_00]

No matter what he was going to be upset about it when he found out and if the tables were turned and he did this to YOU, you would also feel the way that he does.

Its hard for him too because he cares about you and he doesn't know how to handle the situation. Let him cool off, then you guys can talk about it. Just remember to be 100% honest.

[phantomwolff85]

I've had a similar situation with lying about something that was stupid to lie about. I know that when I lied in the past it was because I felt threatened. My ex and I had a rule where if I did lie, if I came clean quickly things would be okay. I feel that for some people it's hard not to lie so I'd be lienient on it.

[PoloPony22]

Well, the thing is, he has cheated on me in the past. I didn't try to contact him last night, but I woke up to 15 missed phone calls and 8 text messages calling me nasty names. He even called my parents to wake me up. He called this morning and asked me why I lied. I told him because he scares me sometimes and I was afraid that he would jump to conclusions. He has a bad temper (obviously!) and I told him that he is sometimes hard to talk to. I told him that I was not trying to justify why I lied or to make excuses, but in the past, he has tried to fight guys who come over and talk to me.

 

Then he just called and asked if I would go to dinner with him tonight.

 

Is he crazy? Am I crazy? This is such a weird situation. what could explain his behavior? That deep down he loves me and that I hurt him...and that he is confused in the sense that he wants to hurt me back (ie the nasty name calling, emails, etc), but at the same time he still wants to be with me?

 

Can a relationship (like mine--a weird one, I know!) be repaired through honesty and a LOT of hard work? Or is it stupid to keep going back? He's done this before...but is it different now because he actually knows the truth and I've admitted to it?

[chai714]

For it to work, he would have to forgive you (he'll never forget) and you would have to be honest.

 

Sounds simple, but those two events would HAVE to happen in order for it to even begin.

[PoloPony22]

He is a little obsessive in the sense that i know that he will continue to bring it up again and again and again....how should i react when he does this? i feel like if he does that, we'll never go anywhere. He tells me that he wants to move on, but he can't help it...

[lunatic]

He is a little obsessive in the sense that i know that he will continue to bring it up again and again and again....how should i react when he does this? i feel like if he does that, we'll never go anywhere. He tells me that he wants to move on, but he can't help it...

 

I don't want to sound like a broken record but, it sounds like he will have trust issues with you for a long time. He sounds (from what I read) like a person who will not be able to get past this. It totally is up to you how to deal with him. I personally think you should think about what you want. I mean do you want to hear about this for another five years. Every time you have an argument he will remind you about this.

 

I made this mistake in my past with my ex that I caught cheating on me. I tried so hard to get past it but, it was always in the back of my mind. I guess I don't want you to have the same problem that I had. I could not trust her anymore and that became apparent more and more every day. I choose to ignore this and tried to work on the relationship. I wasted two years of my life with her after the cheating incident.

 

You have to make this choice for yourself. I would warn you that he will have a problem believing what you say from now on.

 

Good luck and I hope you make a choice that is comfortable for you.

 

Hub

[Skippy]

Of course he will bring it up again and again. It isnt obsessive. YOu killed the trust by lieing. It is just that simple. He will bring it up because he is trying to get over it. If you blow it off, it would basically say you dont care about the trust issue that he has with you. Both of you are going to have to talk and work this out..

Good luck.

[rachel1256]

I didn't read your post at the time of the PM. I have been in this situation before, but I didn't lie for that long. My ex is most likely not the best example, but I explained to him, told him how sorry I was (i met my ex before him for coffee, NOTHING else) and that it would NEVER happen again. He took it hard, even though I have never given him a reason to doubt me, and in the 3 years we were together, I never cheated on him once. He knew that, and he also knew that I loved him dearly.

I had to really work so hard to prove that I loved him, no one else, the ex meant nothing, and it was tough, but he eventually let it go.

 

You should tell the truth, because enough damage is already done. If you are to stay together, expect things to not be as pleasant as you hoped for a while. He may not trust you for a long time, so be ready for that if you chose to stay.