PoloPony22

You have probably seen my posts from a while back....to make a long story short, things improved immensely, and have been going really well for a while. The other day, my bf (of over a year) told me that he wanted to make sure that I wanted what he wanted--a stable relationship/lifestyle--and that I was not just "having fun for the moment" (which I'm not!) He also asked me to move back in with him...I love him to death, and while we do have some things to sort out, some trust to regain, I can see us being in this for the long haul. Accidentally (on purpose) he saw some of my messages to my college friends on link removed (kind of like myspace, but not as bad!). He asked me what something meant--I had told a girlfriend that I wanted to "woo the Philly Eagles hot new punt returner". Not a big deal, right? Everyone makes comments from now and again about a celebrity...I think. He said "way to talk like a truck driver" because I had used a lot of curse words in the message--just because when I was in college, I was a lot different than I am now--and in a way feel like I need to maintain my "college" image when talking to college friends...He said "now that's the REAL you talking..." What does that mean? That I'm secretely some vulgar, non-classy sl*t?!?! I also don't know what messages he read and what messages he didn't read...he made a comment about "what did you do in ny??" (4th of july I went up) because there was a message about how I wanted to meet up with a guy friend in NY, but then decided against it because I didn't want to jeopordize our relationship, and I knew my bf would flip if I met up w/him. Now, he's acting really weird. Really standoffish...I asked him repeatedly what was wrong, and he said "nothing"...but obviously it is something. It really puts me on edge bc I feel like he's going to let it go and then in a few months come out with what is bothering him (he's done that in the past). I think it's important to be upfront and honest--but I know he's questioning me because we've had trust issues in the past...what can I do? How do you try to regain trust?

I agree. Regardless of how annoying it may be (and I know it may be REALLY annoying!) alcohol lessens inhibitions--it doesn't make you a liar. People get giddy and silly when they drink (at least most people do!). Take it is a compliment. But if not, turn your phone off when you go to sleep.

Then stop obsessing about the past. What's done is done. People grow, people change, especially in their late teens. No one is perfect when they are a teenager! People experiment, do stupid stuff, and learn from it. If you are so comfortable in the relationship, don't let your own obsessing on the past dictate how the future will be for you two. What would happen if we all did that? No progress would be made, no growing, there would be no forgiveness. People do stupid things when they are young and insecure and naiive. But that's, in my opinion, part of growing up. A mistake is a mistake--but what really matters is how you learn from your mistakes. Isn't that how we all grow?

Thank you everyone for your posts....it helps to have some sort of support in this matter. **When I wrote protecting ME, what I meant to write was protecting HIMSELF** He was in a three year relationship prior to ours, (over a year), and for the last year of his previous relationship, he found out his gf was cheating on him. That is why I can justify how he is feeling and how he is acting. I'm not an idiot--I feel like i have a lot of insight on the situation. I know that his behavior is not an excuse for the way he treats me, but at the same time, he never said a mean word to me before this happened. I know that it is better to see how he reacts to certain situations NOW as oppsed to five years down the road when we are married w/children, but I am hurting because he is hurting and I did that to him. I am happy with who I am; I know that what he says is not true. I am not a wh*** or a sl*t, etc. etc....but it still hurts and after a while, it's so emotionally exhausting, that I break down. I think why I am so worked up about the situation is because the blame is always put on me. When a girl from his work showed up on our doorstep (we lived together), and told me that Greg invited her over and told her he was single...or when I found vulgar emails to an older woman, with naked pictures she had sent to him on MY computer....it was MY fault because I did it first. It's SO frustrating trying to rationalize with someone who, frankly, isn't rational. But I justify the situation by taking the blame that I made him act that way...because in a way, I did! Ughh...I'm so drained by this....and I get so mad at myself for lying about it in the first place (I was afraid if i told him I was watching a movie w/a guy from work, he would take that as I was sleeping with a guy from work...but I'm not like that, and I think deep down he knows that.) He has told me that he's afraid of getting hurt again, the way he was before--he slipped into depression after his last relationship. He is trying to "rid his life of the negative"---but if he really felt that I was so awful, why does he treat me like garbage, break up with me, and then call me back? Because I go...

I know that I am probably annoying everyone with my seemingly redundant posts. But please, if you have any advice, I could really use a pep talk right about now. My bf caught me in a lie that was extremely damaging to our relationship. I lied about hanging out w/a platonic friend and he found out. I never physically cheated on him. Since then, he has been up and down. Break up with me, call me names, tell me nasty things...then call me in a day or two. I keep telling him the same things over and over--that i love him, i know what i did was wrong, i know that i hurt him and that he's trying to protect me, that it's so hard to reconcile the differences between what he is feeling (insecure, vulnerable, betrayed) and what I know (that I would never do something like that again, the guilt i carry, etc.) When we're apart (at work) he sends me emails: It is about how you hold yourself and how you act. What you do and how you do it. No body gives a eff how smart you are. It is all ruined by how you act and hold yourself. I am not say this to put you down. It is the truth. You need to be a beter peson. Hold yourself like a lady! pathetic. how's it feel to know that everything knows you're a liar? no one will ever support you. esp your parents and that is obvious. you're a disappointment to them too. I do not think that I am by any means a bad person. Neither do my friends. I have a great job, I'm a great friend, and I know that I have a lot going for me. People always tell me that I shouldn't take his name calling, and his verbal abuse (he tried to hit me once also)--but I can't help but feel like I make him act this way. I know that it's not really an excuse for him, but after months of being put down by him, I can't help but to believe it. This weekend, he's going to the beach w/his friends, and told me that he's not going to say that he won't bring a girl home. I was originally invited, but now I'm not. I made plans to go up to visit a girlfriend in NYC. He freaked out, saying that he knew i was visiting a guy. I'm not. But I can understand why he would question my intentions. I don't think it's fair for me to have to sit at home, by myself, for four days, when he's out doing God knows what. But I don't want to make things worse by going away. What should I do? I've tried talking to him rationally (believe me!) and he hears me, but I don't know if he's actually LISTENING. I feel like the "right" thing is to walk away before more self-damage is done (I'm now seeing a therapist!), but I can't deal w/the guilt that I made him this way now. I cancelled part of my trip, to only go up for one night. Should I not go at all? It hurts so badly because I'm the one who messed up and I can't fix it and it's almost like I deserve all of this...

He's broken up with me maybe, oh three times in since this happened. He will call me within a day or two, though, and somehow we'll end up back together. However, he keeps verbally abusing me. Calling me names, telling me that I am a disappointment to everyone, my family, etc. He does this when he's at work (emails) but then will act somewhat normal when we're together, and I tell him that it's not normal to talk to someone like that, try to hit them, etc. but he tells me that it's my fault because i drove him to being like this. I know the right thing to do is to walk away before even more damage is done. I'm seeing a therapist now to try to deal--my self-esteem has taken a serious hit after being told that i'm not good enough for 6 mos. I don't understand how he can justify his actions and the way he treats me by turning everythign around on me all the time? I can't handle all of the guilt. If he thinks I'm such an awful person, etc. etc why doesn't he break up with me and cut if off completely? He's going away for the weekend to the beach w/his friends. I was originally invited, but now I'm not. I told him that i was giong to visit a girlfriend in NYC, and he freaked. I need to get away, and not sit at home for four days by myself...but that would make things even worse. How do you rebuild the trust? It doesn't seem fair that he can go away (and he will probably hook up w/other girls!) and that i have to sit at home, and not go out all weekend....it's a catch 22--if i go away, he will freak out, his imagination will run wild, and he will do something stupid. If i stay home, i will be alone, by myself, depressed....i dont know what to do? he always tells me that i'm a bad person. but i dont think that i am. i think that i made a mistake, and am feeling the consequences, but am trying to make it work. i have a good job, i'm giong to grad school, i'm always there for him....why do i have to keep paying for my mistake? and why can't he just let me go, rather than abusing me like this? it's killing me inside.

My boyfriend has reason to not trust me completely right now. I lied to him about hanging out w/a guy friend for six months (I lied because I knew that he would assume that hanging out=sleeping together, which it was not) We've been back and forth for the past few weeks. He'll break up, and then want me back, and then break up, etc...Last night, he told me that he is empty inside, and doesn't have feelings for me. He said that he doesn't want to be down about this anymore, and that he is trying to protect himself from getting hurt again. I think he knows how much I love him, and how sorry I am. I am at his beck and call (I know this is a bad thing) because I wanted to try to show him how much he means to me, and that he/our relationship is my top priority. Do you think that I should just let him go now? And if he does call me--do you think he will?--I need to make it clear that we can't keep re-living the past. I think he's confused and doesn't know what to believe, but he needs to protect his manly ego. Might I add that this was a very serious relationship--living together, talking about marriage, etc... It hurts....I made this mistake, I screwed up, and I can't fix it! Now I have to suffer the consequences...I feel like this is the mistake of a lifetime. Any advice? Just leave him alone for a while and see if he comes to his own terms and wants to get back together (deep down I think he does, he's just scared)....if I keep pursuing him, will I drive him away even more?

I've posted about this before (obsessed much?!) but I still need some answers. Six months ago, I started hanging out with a guy from work. We watched movies, went shopping, etc. (but no kissing or anything beyond that!) My boyfriend went through my phone and found a text message I sent to him, half joking--it was a bad one "I'm naked in bed, do you miss me?" (I know, I know....) I swore up and down for the past six months that he was just a work friend, and that we never even hung out together. Two weeks ago, he found out that we had been hanging out. Essentially, I was cheating on him, but cheating emotionally... At first, he didn't want anything to do with me (understandably). then, the next two days, he sent me nasty messages "f-u" etc etc. He also lost his temper when we went on vaca and broke a lot of my stuff. Then, we were "back together" and he would ask me if I loved him and why, and if I wanted to be with him. I said yes I did, because I honestly do. i love him to death. You might ask why/how you can love someone who treats you like that, but I do. The other day, he was treating me particularly badly, and I told him that it didn't seem like he wanted me around, and that maybe I shouldn't be around. He said Ok. OK!? He delved into how hurt he was, how he felt like I screwed with him emotionally, manipulated him, and how he felt betrayed. I understand all of these feelings, and he should feel this way. But maybe deal with it in a different manner. I told him I was worried about him because of the way he deals with stuff. I told him he was verbally abusive at times, and it was not normal to lash out the way he does, to abuse alcohol, and to try to hit me. He freaked when I said that and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I told him that I knew he was hurting, and I understood it, and i knew that he was trying to hurt me back. He told me if he were trying to do that, then he would tell me he loved me and then f*ck me like I f*cked him. He said he couldn't be with someone who lied about something for six months. Two days ago, I sent him a picture of us from this weekend, and he wrote back "Dont send pictures of you and me." He has broken up with me before about this same situation, but always calls later and wants to work it out...not this time. Tonight, there's a benefit which is sponsored by my company and put on by one of my best friends. We all share mutual friends. He's going...and said that if I can't deal with that I shouldn't go. I'm afraid of going and seeing him there with other girls. Do you think he wants to go to a) rub it in my face w/other girls and ignore me or b) does he want to see me? My question is about the cycle of emotions that follows after trust is broken. I feel like he is confused. Deep down he probably wants to be with me, and i think that he loves me, but would you treat someone you love the way he is treating me? He is going through the "angry" stage right now, but what comes after that? I want this to work more than anything in the world. I love him to death, care for him deeply and am so sorry for my mistake. I know that i hurt him and that trust takes a lot of time and effort on both parties to regain. But should I kiss this one goodbye?

He is a little obsessive in the sense that i know that he will continue to bring it up again and again and again....how should i react when he does this? i feel like if he does that, we'll never go anywhere. He tells me that he wants to move on, but he can't help it...

Well, the thing is, he has cheated on me in the past. I didn't try to contact him last night, but I woke up to 15 missed phone calls and 8 text messages calling me nasty names. He even called my parents to wake me up. He called this morning and asked me why I lied. I told him because he scares me sometimes and I was afraid that he would jump to conclusions. He has a bad temper (obviously!) and I told him that he is sometimes hard to talk to. I told him that I was not trying to justify why I lied or to make excuses, but in the past, he has tried to fight guys who come over and talk to me. Then he just called and asked if I would go to dinner with him tonight. Is he crazy? Am I crazy? This is such a weird situation. what could explain his behavior? That deep down he loves me and that I hurt him...and that he is confused in the sense that he wants to hurt me back (ie the nasty name calling, emails, etc), but at the same time he still wants to be with me? Can a relationship (like mine--a weird one, I know!) be repaired through honesty and a LOT of hard work? Or is it stupid to keep going back? He's done this before...but is it different now because he actually knows the truth and I've admitted to it?

I want to go over and try to talk it out with him. This has happened before (not not this badly) and we have always worked it out. I'm afriad he's going to go out and sleep with other girls now (like tongiht) because that is his way of getting back at me, and I can't handle that.

I just told him the truth. He said that he hated me and that I was a **** and that I am a disappointment to my family, etc. I'm so upset right now, I don't know what to do...

And in coming clean about hanging out, there's no way for me to articulate to him that I DIDN'T have any physical relationship with this other guy...since I lied about hanging out, why wouldn't I lie about everything else, right? Is there any way for me to lessen this result?

To make a long story short, an ex-coworker and I started flirting, and hanging out a little bit. I made the stupid mistake of sending him a flirty text message, and my boyfriend went through my phone and found it. I told him that i was just flirting, and that we had never hung out or anything. We had actually watched two movies together, but had never been physical at all together. It was stupid. That happened in December. Since then, my bf has broken up with me (only for a few hours/a day at the most) multiple times. Things will be going great in the relationship, and then he will bring it up (he thinks that for sure I slept with him, which i didn't). Every time, I deny that we had ever even hung out, let alone sleep together. He gets over it (briefly) and then the cycle will start again. Things have been great for the past few months--no talk at all about it. However, this morning, all of a sudden, he said that he knows that I saw Movie A and Movie B with him (which I did), and that he "talks to people". He called me a f*ing lier and said he didn't want to be with me. (My ex coworker did not tell him, and how he knows remains a mystery.) He kept telling me to stop lying. I panicked at first and told him that I didn't watch the movies. I feel as if I come clean, then he will think i have been lying about EVERYTHING, that I slept with this guy, that everything is BS. We have been together for about a year, and it's not BS; it literally was just a stupid thing that happened for about a week. Which is worse--coming clean after I had lied to his face for 6 months and risking the fact that he will think that I lied about sleeping with him also? OR maintaining the same lie that I have been maintaining for 6 months--that I have never hung out with this kid. He keeps telling me to stop lying to him. And I want to because I love him to death and I want to have an honest relationship with him. I know that honesty is the best policy, and that most people are going to advise me to "come clean", but realistically, I am so afraid that this will be the end. Any advice? Any please, be gentle! I know I'm wrong.