Lost on a huge marriage decision!!

[ErekaGrl621]

I have been dating the same guy since my junior year of high school..6 years. We had a bit of a downfall a while ago but we worked everything out. Lately he has been talking about getting a house together and marriage. I always thought that I would marry him..he is the only guy I have ever been with! Now..im starting to think that im stuck..and im so scared! If I end it with him..I don't even know what my life will really be like..and I know that I should have my own identity..but I don't! I also can't talk to my parents about him because they want me to leave him and learn to not depend on him. So lost and confussed..any advice would be great..

[kellbell]

Hi there ErekaG*rl621!

 

I went back to your old posts from 2004. I am confused about a few things. You mentioned this guy is the only person you have been with but in other posts you mentioned other guys you have been in the likes with (one you met that lived 2 states away) and had a sexual relationship with one of them.

 

Is this same guy whom broke up with because he did not trust you and played mind games with you back in 2004? If so, have you worked on these issues or are they plaguing the relationship. If you have any doubt in your mind whatsoever, I would WAIT on marrying this guy.

[RayKay]

Aside from kells post (which I agree with if this is true!), if you are feeling this way, I would suggest you don't marry him. Marriage won't fix things.

 

Just because he is 'only' one you have ever been with does not mean he is the right person to be with forever.

 

It may be hard to part ways, but it's much harder to be faced with divorce, and I can say you would feel even more "stuck" if you got married if you feel this way.

 

Don't marry him just to defy your parents, or something. Only marry him if you truly WANT to marry HIM, and you have resolved the issues BEFORE marriage.

[friscodj]

I read somewhere that today, a marriage has a 50/50 chance of lasting if both people go into it surely in love and dedicated to each other.

 

Does this apply to your situation? It doesn't sound like it. I hear a lot of doubt and confusion on your end. I know statistics aren't the be-all-end-all but this is just something to think about...

[flower99]

"they want me to leave him and learn to not depend on him."

Parents know you best.

Before you can really KNOW what you want, you have to know who you are. You said you don't have your own Identity. I think you need to become independent & develope yourself. Get to know yourself.So that way you can make an educated decision. Right now if you try and decide this, you may make the wrong deicision because you know nothing else. you have no basis for your decision, you don't even know a life of your own. And that is important to make a marriage work, you need to know who you are so you can be the best you can be.

[ErekaGrl621]

In 2004 him and I had problems..I didn't really date the other guy..it wasn't serious at all..I meant I have never had another boyfriend.

[friscodj]

Parents know you best.

 

The older I get the more I see how wise my parents really were when i was growing up. I know you probably don't see their wisdom now, but I would at least try to understand that they love you very much and have probably "been there and done that" on some level.

[xmrth]

What did you think it was going to lead to after 6 years, really?

[ErekaGrl621]

Well..I didn't start having doubts till it was a reality..im not perfect and I didn't realize I would feel this way..I always thought he was the one. As I got older I started to mature and realize that I needed to grow on my own.

[kellbell]

No one is saying you have to be perfect but I feel you need to listen to your instincts on this one. I truly feel they are screaming loud and clear at you at the moment.

 

Never marry someone because you feel you find anyone else or simply because you and him have been together for so long and it seems like the next logical step. You owe it to yourself to be able to experience the world and grow.

 

I have to agree with Frisco on this one, parents seem to know when things are amiss, especially with when it comes to their children. I figured that out as I got older. I would really wait marrying him or anyone else for that matter for now.

[JustNormal]

If you've been attached at the hip to somebody since puberty, then I would recommend you go on your own for awhile. The romantic in me thinks you'll marry him after that, but who knows. Yea, you do need to get out and get a taste of the real world so you appreciate who both of you are. Don't feel bad about it. I suspect it'll make both of your relationships better in the end.

 

And you really sound too young to be married. Although in islamic dictatorships they marry at 13, it's just one of those things that doesn't work without the threat of beheadings or mutilation. So yes, please get some life experience under your belt so you can see how good you have it. If you don't know who you are, then how the hell is he? Good luck.

[HardShowingAffection]

I think this is a situation that only you are going to be able to answer. Since you were so young when you started dating, I am going to venture a guess and say that you looked to one another for happiness, and kind of became codependent of one another.

 

It seems quite common in younger couples. Do you still have a good balance of family, friends, and your bf? Do you know what makes YOU happy? Does your bf meet YOUR needs? Do you guys communicate well?

 

Do not lose your identity in your bf, and do not rely on him for happiness. You have to make yourself happy and know what it is that makes you happy. When you rely on someone else for happiness, all too offten, they are going to drop the ball, and then your world will come crumbling apart.

 

Work together to make your needs known and work together to build your relationship. Make sure you maintain your identity though! You do not want to sacrifice your happiness to make him happy. This will cause you to build anger, resentment, and frustration which will end up pushing the two of you apart! The key is focusing on YOU. You have to understand YOU. Once you are truly happy with yourself, then you will be able to extend that love for your partner.

[Batya33]

The best advice I can give you is not to marry him until you finish college and perhaps even graduate school. I almost married at 23 because it seemed like the right thing to do, he was a nice guy and I didn't see too many other options. Luckily my gut told me not to, and I didn't. Right after we ended our engagement, I applied for and went to law school which had been a dream of mine. Accomplishing that made me feel empowered - both intellectually, financially and as a person in general. It was a big step for me towards independence, self fulfillment and proving to myself that I could realize a goal.

 

Other than wife and mother, what are your goals -- figure those out and then make it or them happen. When you realize you are independent and can stand on your own two feet the world will be full of options including marriage and family. At that point though the person you choose to be with will be far more reflective of who you are as a confident, empowered person rather than (as you sound here) a passive person who is just letting things happen to her.