Would you forgive a cheating partner? Part 2

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Well for those of you who read the original post, here is the full story:

 

It began on a thursday, our relationship was going so well, we were so happy with one another. However, on this fateful day an argument broke out. I had a bad day at work, of which she was unaware, when she came round to mine after she finished work, i was asleep, having just had a beer and a smoke. She let herself in and thought it would be funny to jump on top of me. She was in high spirits, and i responded negatively, having a belly full of beer and generally relaxing, to be woken up so abruptly generally annoyed me. So then she got the hump with me for being miserable. Now all I wanted to do was tell her I had a rough day and for her to comfort me, but one thing led to another and all hell broke loose. It was one of the worst arguments we have ever had. So that night she went out with her mates clubbing, which she had planned on doing anyway. We didnt speak for a few days and on the Sunday, she said she wanted to talk, and told me she wanted to break up as she felt the relationship was not working. We had been together a year and a half. I was distraught, but no matter how many apologies I offered, she was adamant that it is what she wanted. She said it was not because of the argument. She has never liked me smoking weed, something I used to enjoy moderately and sensibly, and that I had made empty promises in the past and stuff. She said if I could change my ways, maybe we could work it out. So I went about changing my ways and have not smoked weed for 5 weeks now (a huge effort on my part), I started reading self help books, trying to keep positive and stopped swearing too (sounds weird but I did used to swear too much). We kept in contact throughout the breakup which lasted 3 weeks before she said she was willing to give it another go. Then we spent a fantastic week together, loved up to the max, it was so great to have her back. She said she missed me so much and knew it was the right thing to do.

So sounds great huh?

 

Well, then the biggest shock of my life hit me on Friday night. The girl who I had done nothing but loved loyally and cherished for a year and a half, who I thought was absolutely perfect, had slept with someone else while we were apart. Heartbreaking eh? The way I found out was pretty bad too. Friday night, she wanted me to pick her up from town at 2am, after she had been clubbing with her friends. When I got there, this guy followed her out of the club and they were talking for a while. She had acknowledged I was waiting for her and kept me waiting ten minutes talking to this guy. So i walked on over and said: "Is there a problem mate?" to which he replied: "who are you?" I said "I'm her boyfriend" Can you see where this is going?

 

He then told me that he had been seeing her for the past 4 weeks, and that they had slept together, they had been to thorpe park, and he had been to her house, and that they went to the cinema on Wednesday nite. Now my g/f told me that she went to the cinema with her female friend Wednesday nite. Caught out eh? Well as you can imagine I was devastated. I had heard enough. I believed him. Suprisingly I held my temper, and just told her to get in the car and that she had alot of explaining to do. So she admitted that on the thursday we had the argument, while clubbing she met this guy. She gave him her number, but apparently did not not kiss him. She broke up with me Sunday. Monday they went to Thorpe Park. Apparently they held hands, but that is all. By thursday she had slept with him. Twice. Now remember, when we broke up we kept in contact, I saw her on the Wednesdsay and the Friday, and she had slept with him on the Thursday. I didnt know at the time. She admitted sleeping with him one more time before "breaking up" with him, because her feelings for me were too strong. I dont know what to believe. The fact that she went to the cinema with him Wednesday after we had got back together, seems very odd, but she swears that nothing happened. Even though she blatantly lyed to me, saying she went with her mate. She says they went as friends. "Friends!" Is this believable? She swears it is true, yet she was also with him Friday nite when I came to pick her up, but swears nothing happened then. I believe her because she let me read the txt messages on her phone, and there was one from him saying: "well you cant say i didnt try". Now to me this is a monumental act of betrayal. How can you keep secrets from someone you love, and be so unloyal? She swears she never cheated, because we were broken up at the time, but can I let her off on a technicality? My heart still feels broken. I still feel very much betrayed and made a complete fool of.

 

However, despite all this, I took her back, and the past week, apart from a few awkward moments, we have been very happy. Am i in denial? Should I have ended it? Am i making a mistake? She says she is very sorry. Do you think i am an idiot for taking her back? I know I should hate her so much, but suprisingly I still love her loads. She says she did it to try and get over me, but who cares? She did it, and it is something I would NEVER even consider doing, even tho I had the chance to while we were broken up, and I was drunk, still turned down an offer from a very attractive young lady. Because she means so much to me. Because I love her so much. Even though things are going well between us now, I cant stop thinking about it. It has raised trust issues between us, for example she is going out clubbing tonite and, well, you can probably imagine the thoughts running through my head. Can i trust her? AAAgh! help me please, I am in despair. I desperately want this relationship to work, but can it? Anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice welcome.....

[Hope75]

Hi Nice,

 

Sorry to hear you are having some doubts and trouble deciding if what you are doing in getting back with your ex is the right thing to do.

 

The way I see this is:

 

She did not cheat on you.

 

You two were broken up at the time she was with the other man, so while yes, she hid that from you (but I don't see why she would tell you as it was her business and had nothing to do with you since you were broken up, and would likely ony hurt your feelings and make things worse), that is not cheating.

 

Obviously something was off in your relationship that made her leave you in the first place, but after seeing someone else, she realized that she wanted to put in the effort to work things out with you and she broke it off with him, and I see that as a positive thing for your relationship with each other.

 

What do you think?

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

To Hope75,

Well thanks for that, that is what I wanted to hear, a nice positve message, I felt sure there would be loads of people calling me an idiot for taking her back, but your reply surprised me. While techinically it was not cheating, I still feel cheated. I hope it works.

[tylercdurden2004]

To Hope75,

Well thanks for that, that is what I wanted to hear, a nice positve message, I felt sure there would be loads of people calling me an idiot for taking her back, but your reply surprised me. While techinically it was not cheating, I still feel cheated. I hope it works.

 

Ask yourself why you feel cheated? If it is not cheating by technical definitions, why do you feel cheated? I think your answer lies there.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly all that matters is what you think and want. Each person is different, and if it isn't going to work this time it will be obvious very quickly I'm sure.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Ask yourself why you feel cheated? If it is not cheating by technical definitions, why do you feel cheated? I think your answer lies there.

 

Oh come on man, like you wouldnt feel cheated or betrayed if this happened to you? Think about it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If I understand this correctly, she met the guy first, gave him her number, THEN broke up with you...obviously she wanted to date this guy so she figured if she broke up with you, then it is not cheating.

 

I read a lot of posts on here that rationalize the fact that the other person goes out and sleeps with someone else while on a few week break-up with their girlfriend/boyfriend. Yes, technically it is not cheating but it is still a betrayal. If someone did that to me, it would make me feel that I didn't really mean anything to them if they could just block me out so quickly and have sex with someone else. The issue goes deeper than "is it considered cheating or not" it is a matter of how deep a person feels for someone if they can simply have sex with someone else so quickly.

 

So, the bottom line is that you have every right to feel cheated. Doing it to try to get over you is no excuse (I hate when people use that excuse to sleep with someone else so soon after a breakup). Moreover she met the guy first, gave him her number and then broke up with you.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt about this. I am sure it really hurts. As for taking her back, only you can decide. People do make mistakes and everyone has their own view on what mistakes can be worked through and which mistakes cause irreparable damage. Lots of marriages and relationships survive a betrayal, it depends on the ability of the person betrayed to forgive, and the remorse of the person who did the betraying. If you want this to work, you will have to overcome the feelings of distrust or else it will always get in the way of your relationship and things will deteriorate. Without trust, relationships don't work. Your feelings are perfectly understandable and valid, but if you want to be with her, you have to deal with them and move ahead.

[Hope75]

To Hope75,

Well thanks for that, that is what I wanted to hear, a nice positve message, I felt sure there would be loads of people calling me an idiot for taking her back, but your reply surprised me. While techinically it was not cheating, I still feel cheated. I hope it works.

 

I can understand that her moving forward so fast after the breakup would hurt your feelings and make you question your value to her, and what your relationship meant to her.

 

I do feel that sometimes a person has to experience something else in order to realize that what they had was the best possible thing and to really see it for what it is. Sometimes we get taken for granted and the other person might not realize just how lucky they are, until they go and see if the grass is really greener on the other side.

 

She tried that, saw that it was not what she wanted, and in fact YOU are what she wants. My hope is that now you will both put in the effort to have a healthy, respectful, loving and honest relationship.

 

My feeling is that mistakes aren't all bad, if we can learn from them and go forward into a better relationship.

[Cecelius]

Perhaps it wasn't cheating, but the real questions is why would you want her back. How much your relationship clearly meant to her, when she wanders out minutes later and hooks up with another dude. Moreover, I would be put off by the speed with which she was giving the goods out to another guy.

 

Sounds like too much drama either way. Besides, it sounds like you might have been boldly going where the other guy had just been, and on that basis alone I'd be too grossed out to stay with her.

[Iceman26]

Perhaps it wasn't cheating, but the real questions is why would you want her back. How much your relationship clearly meant to her, when she wanders out minutes later and hooks up with another dude. Moreover, I would be put off by the speed with which she was giving the goods out to another guy.

 

Sounds like too much drama either way. Besides, it sounds like you might have been boldly going where the other guy had just been, and on that basis alone I'd be too grossed out to stay with her.

 

Cecelius and I are always of a like mind.

[tylercdurden2004]

Oh come on man, like you wouldnt feel cheated or betrayed if this happened to you? Think about it.

 

My point was not that at all. My point is the fact that you FEEL cheated speaks volumes. It obviosly bothers you that she behaved this way. If it does bother you then you need to deal with that. YOU need to figure out if her behaviour is a dealbreaker for you or if you are willing to work it out. If you are willing to work it out I will only say this is a big hill to climb. You first have to deal with whether this is the girl you thought you were dating, is this something that will happen again.

 

If you do believe this is something that will happen again then you need to figure out if you will be happy with someone taking you for granted and who will break up with you whenever they want to go have a bit of fun.

 

If not then you need to decide has she or will she learn from this. If not then is it something you will be able to live with, that is her "mistakes" that she may commit again and again.

 

If she wants to be with you she will do everything in her power to ensure you are "comfotable" with her. She will give you a chance to trust her again. And you must do your part to give her as many opportunities to prove that you can trust her. There is no formula for it.

 

Two things concern me about what you said in your posts. First the fact that she was so calculated in her actions. To me this speaks volumes, more than what she says. My good friend had a girl in high school that used to break up with him and immediately go sleep with other men. This went on for 1 year and a bit. I tried to listen, to be there, to offer advice to him. Sadly it was a lesson he needed to learn on his own. I still see the baggage he carries from this. Always remember:

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

Second thing you said was in response to the first post to your thread. You thanked them for telling you what you wanted to hear. My guess is you girl tells you what you wanted to hear. Its gonna be a long a bumpy road if you are looking for the things you wants to hear. Look at your girls actions, she can tell you anything she wants but if her actions are not consistent with her words I would be suspicious.

[Hope75]

Your judgements of her actions seem a bit harsh guys.

 

Yes, she went out and was with another guy shortly after they broke up, that's true. It happens sometimes that a person gets confused and takes their partner for granted and feels the need to go out and explore what else it out there. She had the decency to break it off from him before she chose to go out and see someone else, which is alot better than some people will do when they are questioned their present relationship.

 

The point is, she saw one guy for a brief time, realized that she'd made a mistake, and that she wanted to work it out with the original poster. AND... the original poster agreed, knowing the full story, and wanted to take her back and work on it too.

 

So.... while her actions showed that she did see someone rather quickly after breaking things off, her actions also showed that she had the integrity to break it off before exploring other options, and they showed that she very quickly realized a newfound appreciation for her guy, and they are trying to work it out.

 

Is it really unforgivable?

[Beyondthesea]

In my mind it is, but like I said, it's not me, it's up to him.

 

I think it's unforgiveable because she went out and slept with 3 people. Even one I wouldn't take my mate back. If he loved me that much, he wouldn't have been out picking up 3 other women while on a break with me.

 

I guess it's a sign of being uncherished...anyone could 'fill the void' and if that's the case, I don't want that back.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

I think it's unforgiveable because she went out and slept with 3 people. Even one I wouldn't take my mate back. If he loved me that much, he wouldn't have been out picking up 3 other women while on a break with me.

.

 

In response to this, it was 3 times with the same guy... I dont know if that makes it better or worse....

 

Anyway many thanks to all who have responded, keep them coming please!

[DN]

I agree with Hope - give her a chance especially since you have taken her back.

 

People make mistakes - sometimes bad ones. But this is a debatable one since you were broken up.

 

If you love her - get past this and give the relationship 100% - if you do not then break up.

 

Me - I believe in second chances.

[tylercdurden2004]

Now all I wanted to do was tell her I had a rough day and for her to comfort me, but one thing led to another and all hell broke loose. It was one of the worst arguments we have ever had. So that night she went out with her mates clubbing, which she had planned on doing anyway.

 

So you had a fight like any other relationship. Unless you hit her or launched a verbal assault with every filthy name under the book, its no big deal.

 

So she admitted that on the thursday we had the argument, while clubbing she met this guy. She gave him her number, but apparently did not not kiss him. She broke up with me Sunday.

 

So while she was p***** at you after your fight she gives her number to a guy. Maybe she didnt kiss him maybe she did. But the fact remains that while she was still WITH you she gave her number to HIM.

 

That my friends is a conscious decision. To me thats cheating. She gave out her number to someone she didnt know but was attracted to, all the while so was with someone else.

 

To me it sounds like when the going gets tough this girl gets gone. Is that a characteristic of someone who is willing/able to work out issues that any relationship has? Especially this issue of cheating? I dont think so.

[lonelybunny]

i'd say cheating is a betrayal of love - break or no break - concept of a break is silly to me anyway .. breaks are a way for ppl to excuse themselves of the guilt that forms from the desire of wanting to "see" other ppl >_>" anyway, that's my humble opinion on that. in the end - it seems you feel cheated, period - whether it "technically" is or isn't, doesn't really set your feeling of betrayal aside. no one's opinion on whether you should or shouldn't take her back, is gonna make you a fool .. it's up to you, if this is the chance you wanna giver her and yourself then do it - if you are happy, then you are happy .. though you do seem to be doubting your decision - don't let society's ideals make up you mind for you~ good luck~

[Hope75]

I think it's unforgiveable because she went out and slept with 3 people. Even one I wouldn't take my mate back. If he loved me that much, he wouldn't have been out picking up 3 other women while on a break with me.

She dated ONE man for 4 weeks and only slept with him, and they were broken up, not on a "break". That makes a big difference in my eyes.

[tylercdurden2004]

She dated ONE man for 4 weeks and only slept with him, and they were broken up, not on a "break". That makes a big difference in my eyes.

 

Ummm..She gave her number to this guy after having an argument with her BF. She was still with her BF when she gave this guy her number. Then dumped her BF for this other guy. What else needs to be said.

[onmyownagain]

Hi,

 

I think the dumping you to see someone else is a problem, but not a deal breaker. She found someone she wanted to see and had probably decided after your row that she didn't want to see you anymore.

 

So she finished with you and then went out with him. You had split up so this is okay.

 

The going out to the cinema after you got back together is a problem though, seems she can't decide if she wants you 100% and is keeping him on the back burner so to speak.

 

I think she needs to stop going clubbing for now and to promise not to see this guy ever again. If she can do this for you, then perhaps you have a chance.

[brando]

Their maybe bigger problems here than the actual events that had happened. Whatever happened that night she woke you up is more than just a fight between you two. Are you sure their were no problems leading up to that fight. Either she wasn't happy with the relationship and was mullling over breaking up with you, or she broke up with you to see what this new guy is all about, we will never know for sure. She knows that. We can only speculate.

 

If you love her, and you can look past that fling with the other guy, while broken up, then id say give the relationship a chance. But dont ever bring that up again, if you forgive her then do so rightfully. If it still bothers you then i would take a break from this relationship.

 

I feel it isn't so much what she did after the breakup, it is more about how it effects you.

 

be well.

[Beyondthesea]

Wow this is a hot debate!

 

Ok so I can't read...it was one guy 3 times.

 

Still thumbs down from me!

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Hi,

 

I think the dumping you to see someone else is a problem, but not a deal breaker. She found someone she wanted to see and had probably decided after your row that she didn't want to see you anymore.

 

So she finished with you and then went out with him. You had split up so this is okay.

 

The going out to the cinema after you got back together is a problem though, seems she can't decide if she wants you 100% and is keeping him on the back burner so to speak.

 

I think she needs to stop going clubbing for now and to promise not to see this guy ever again. If she can do this for you, then perhaps you have a chance.

 

 

In response to this, I dont think she broke up with me to see this other guy, I think she broke up with me for what happened when we argued. Why she decided to see this other guy, I dont know, I wish I did, but I cant fathom it out. She says because she was trying to get over me. Anyway, I do agree it is a problem that she saw him again after we got back together, even though she said nothing happened between them, she still blatantly lyed to me, which i didnt think she was capable of. It makes me wonder if I hadnt of found out would she have ever told me? Even worse would she still be seeing him? This bothers me alot. She has promised never to see him again. As for the clubbing, she still enjoys it. She went out last nite, and I suggested that she came back to mine afterwards, which sometimes she does, but when she said no, I started having all these doubts again, like why not? Who are you going with? What are you going to get up to when your out? You know what I mean, driving yourself crazy with horrible thoughts that you dont really believe to be true, but cant stop thinking about. She said it was because her mate wanted to share a taxi home because she couldnt afford it alone, which is fair enough, I do believe her. But things like this never used to happen before she broke the bond of trust we had built up. I trusted her so much, thats why it was such a massive shock to find out she would do such a thing. Do I still trust her? Well quite honestly, I dont know. Would you? After someone betrays your trust, its hard to trust again. Does anyone feel like they can relate to this?

[tylercdurden2004]

she still blatantly lyed to me

 

Yeah this may be the biggest problem. After she broke trust she lied. Doesnt sound like she is interested in working things out mate. From everything you said she is maybe interested in a relationship, but only if nothing else is out there.

 

She said it was because her mate wanted to share a taxi home because she couldnt afford it alone, which is fair enough, I do believe her.

 

Ummm...This is one of the lamest excuses I have ever heard. There might be another reason why she didnt want to come over. Maybe because she doesnt want to fight with you, whatever, she is simple saying I dont want to come to your house. I cant imagine after all thats happened that this has nothing to do with your fight and her seeking another man. Her friend I am assuming is a grown up and can sort herself out. I am sure in the beginning of your relationship when she was interested in making things work that she would have not had a problem giving her friend some money to catch a cab or letting her friend pay for the friends cab ride home. I cant see why this would even be a concern to her other than she simply doesnt want to see you. But you know her best.

 

But things like this never used to happen before she broke the bond of trust we had built up.

 

As you have said. Something has changed with her. You have to ask yourself why? Does she feel uncomfortable with you when you fight. Do you blow up at her. I am not saying tis your fault but she is showing a lot of signs that she is not interested in a committed relationship with you. I will only reiterate that I feel you should walk on this one. For your own sanity.

[jchan]

Think of trust as a pack of matches, each time one match burns out it's gone, that's what trust is like, once burned out it's gone.

 

But there are cases where trsut can be earned back. But remember the word "earned". It takes a heck of a lot of work and time for it to be earned back.

 

You can give her a second chance, be cautious of your actions, and be cautious of her actions. Give it 100% to make it work out, but make sure she realizes that she can't just take things for granted. Best way to do that is to lead by example. Since you're back together, forgive, but be cautious if you can't forget.