how can he trust me again....

[husker13]

Last month I cheated on my fiancé. We have been together almost 4 years. I went away to a convention with a group, got really drunk and had sex with a guy from the group. I have spent the last month miserable, but yesterday my fiancé found an email letting him know what had happened. I keep telling him how sorry I am, and how that I cant believe how bad that I messed things up. And I did tell him that I was drunk, but that isn't an excuse. I am crushed and feel tore apart, but realize it is nothing compared to what he is feeling. I want to work things out. He has told me he will try, but no promises. He has asked how I can prove he can trust me again. I had spent 4 years earning this trust and took 15 minutes to lose it. I don't what know what to do, what to say to him. He has all my email passwords, my messenger passwords and has deleted everyone whom he does not want me talking to out of them. I guess until he trusts me I have pretty much lost all my freedom. But I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I have screwed my entire life but, and cant believe I was stupid and drunk enought to throw everything away.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I don't think he had a right to go through your friends list and delete people he didn't want you to talk to. You made a mistake and regret doing so. If he can't move on then its not ment to be.

 

I am married 16 yrs and i had a one night stand also with a man who just happen to be my best friend. I have to say I never regreted it. But I do regret that I never set anyone straight about it til now.

[RayKay]

Well, the truth is...he might not. It is a very hard thing to return to the same level of trust after infidelity, and many people don't, and many people do end up ending relationships over it either then or down the road.

 

All you can do is keep the communication open, and earn the trust back. And, if he does not get over it and continues to use it against you, there may be a time you have to say it's time to move on yourself.

 

Would you have ever told him if he had not found out?

 

You are right, being drunk is NOT an excuse, and really, there is no justification for it. I think you need to look at WHY you did it. It did not "just happen" - you made the decision, even if you were drinking at time.

 

Have you thought of maybe going to counselling together? Since you are engaged anyway, pre-marital counselling would be beneficial, and I can't see how getting some more intense couples counselling to deal with this could hurt either.

 

Ultimately though, it will be up to him whether he will choose to trust you again, and to marry you. It certainly will be a tough thing for him to be going through too.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think after 4 years you cant and preparing to marry someone. 4 years is a loooong time to invest in something or someone who either:

 

1) Doesnt care.

 

2) Totally lacks self control.

 

I think you need to really look at what made you feel that sleeping with the guy from the convention was the best choice. And dont say alcohol, thats just an excuse.

 

Can you really be happy without your freedom? I think he should send you packing personally. Maybe you were bored, maybe you needed freedom from the relationship. Whatever your reason how is he to be sure you wont do this 10 years down the road when you have children, if you dont already. I think you need to take some time away and really consider WHY you cheated on a man you made a commitment to.

[Day_Walker]

Earning back trust from a partner can be a difficult thing. The truth is that he may never trust you again like he once did. I think it is appropriate to establish new ground rules, but taking control over some one elses life isnt the way to go about things. You can try and control a persons actions but what it comes down to is that you do not have absolute control. If you find that you cannot trust a person after an infidelity then it is time to end the relationship. Relationships are not about one person controlling the other and if they are then they are doomed. You cannot keep a person from cheating regardless of how much control you have people still have free will.

I think that you need to examine why it was that you cheated in the first place. I believe that there is a reason why you did it. If you cannot find that out on your own then perhaps speak to a therapist.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd ask why you put yourself in a Potential Cheating Situation in the first place?

 

And ... why are you with a man who appears to be this controlling?

 

Hmm .

[RayKay]

Alright folks, this thread is locked for investigation and cleanup.

[annie24]

Cleaned up! Reopened

[MacGyverRI]

Last month I cheated on my fiancé. We have been together almost 4 years. I went away to a convention with a group, got really drunk and had sex with a guy from the group. I have spent the last month miserable, but yesterday my fiancé found an email letting him know what had happened. .

 

 

Try to remember, what did that email say?

 

was the context full of remorse?

or

I can't believe I did this, to a GF?

or??

[nottoogreen]

I feel like I have screwed my entire life but, and cant believe I was stupid and drunk enought to throw everything away.

 

My ex wife was regularily having men while I was away on business (50% of the time). She even made a child with some fling while she was off the pill as we wanted to have our 2nd child. She told me "I am always so horny, It is your fault you taught me"

 

The first thing important is you have to ask yourself why you did it. There must be something missing in you/your relationship.

 

Then, he should not control you, that would break you for sure....

[NW Homey]

The info I have come accross says that if you want to regain trust you MUST do WHATEVER your partner needs you to do for them to feel comfortable they you are really genuinely trying to regain thier trust. If you cannot or do not want to perform these things you will not regain thier trust. This is still no guarantee that they will want to stay together. Like the other I feel you need to find out why you allowed yourself to put yourself in the position you were in. You made some kind of choice before you even took your first drink.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I've been cheated on and I can see where he's coming from. For those people who's saying he has no right to control her life. They are right. Just remember though, she wrote this THE DAY AFTER he found out. Of course he's going to go overboard. He just found out his fiance cheated and lied about it.

 

Right now, she needs to do what she needs to do to regain his trust. This is not something that anyone can just shrug off after a day and say "oh well, it's in the past". Right now, he can't trust her, with good reason, but it's obvious that he loves her. OP, give it some time. Yes, you won't have much privacy right now, but you after to ask yourself what is worse, the temporary lack of privacy now or losing him forever. Right now he's grasping at straws and doesn't want to get hurt again.

 

I know. I was him once.

 

Good luck, be strong, and try to figure out what compelled you to cheat in the first place. You're right, being drunk is no excuse, but there had to be an underlying reason you did what you did.

[yeawutever]

Yea, you must lose your privacy for a while. It's going to take time for him to get over it, some people never do. Yes, drinking causes us to lose our judgement I know that for sure and we tedn to do clumsy things we normally wouldn't comply to in our daily life. However the most important thing is to control your drinking, don't drink just to getd runk, know how to drink, when to drink, with whom, and where to drink.

 

Ok, last time I got drunk was at my house and yes I exceeded cuz yea it feels good getting drunk, but yes I did lose focus as I was crawling all over the floor, laughing for no reason, and saying nonsense I can't recall. The only difference is it was at my house, but still I was told I can still control myself, control my body and not let the drink control me, which I believe it's true.

 

As for trust, yes you have to give him time to cope with it, I can imagine if it was him doing that, you would be devasted too. One more thing, have you got tested for STD's, if so do it as soon as possible and show him the results. You must remember that it's gonna take more time cuz he found out, you didn't told him. This is why it's better to tell and fess, than the SO finding out cuz now he's gonna think that you're gonna do it again and that you're only sorry when he found out. That's what he must be thinking now, lying about cheating hurts more than actually cheating.

 

Give him time and do forgive youself, don't forgot to get tested. Oh yea and counseling, have you thought about it and also a separate one for your drinking habit. Well I wish the both of you good luck.

 

No more drinks for you, that's for sure.

[Iceman26]

I am married 16 yrs and i had a one night stand also with a man who just happen to be my best friend. I have to say I never regreted it. But I do regret that I never set anyone straight about it til now.

 

Out of curiosity, how can you be married, have sex with another man, and not regret hurting the person you are suppose to love and cherish above all others?

[yeawutever]

Out of curiosity, how can you be married, have sex with another man, and not regret hurting the person you are suppose to love and cherish above all others?

 

There is no rules distating that you have to regret whenever you cheat, it's not like saying "You can't travel above speed limit". Speeding is against the law, but not regretting cheating isn't. Some peopel do not regret it, some do, it depends on the person and their values and integrity.

 

Some people just like that "chasing moment" and acting on their fantasy. That's called "Having your cake and eat it".

 

[Iceman26]

Husker, I agree with everyone else. You need to figure out what is going on with you that caused you to cheat on your fiance'. When you figure that out, you will be able to have a talk with him and decide where you guys go from there.

 

He can have all your passwords, access codes and bills, but that still doesn't mean he can prevent or stop you from doing it again if you were so inclined. As the old saying goes "Where there is a will there is a way".

[Iceman26]

 

Some people just like that "chasing moment" and acting on their fantasy. That's called "Having your cake and eat it".

 

 

 

 

In some states adultery is against the law as well.

 

Chasing the moment? Acting on fantasy? Having your cake and eating it too?

 

I translate that into selfishness and a lack of self control, instead of using pretty words to hide the true meaning behind them.

 

I was just interested in hearing why someone could be married for that long and not regret cheating on their spouse.

[yeawutever]

Yea, I agree that's very unfair and they can expose the SO to STD's, condoms are not 100% safe, they can still break.

 

True, we all have fantasies just as we all get angry, but what stops us is our reasoning. Ok, so there been times I felt like beating up someone, but guess what, I don't act on it. This is what would differentiate us from the other animals.

[thebastardchild83]

Coming from recently getting cheated on again by a different girl and then dump after I caught her in the act with with another man, yet still wanting her back. Yes I know it sounds stupid, but in a way it's my fault, if only I should have given her more intimacy. Yea, indeed getting drunk isn't really a good excuse, give him time to cope with it. Man, I feel like crying again right now, so I'll stop here. Tell him the reasons if he ask you for them and give up a little privacy for a while, till he learns to trust you again, which he will. He can't throw it in your face for so long.