How do you not let yourself be the rebound?

[Spawn]

Hi,

 

how do you know that the person you are dating is holding onto hopes from her ex?

 

more specifically, what can be done for not becoming a rebound?

 

do you make the relationship special enough for the person to forget about her past?

 

thanks for all inputs.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Nothing you can do can make a persons old feelings for another change, although you can be the best person you hope to be and figure thats enough. But the feelings part is up to them unfortunately.

[itsallgrand]

Don't date guys/girls who have been through a breakup in the last year.

lol.

Ok, a little overcautious, but hey!

 

If they speak about the ex within the first 2 months of knowing them/dating them, don't date 'em.

 

We can't control how others feel, but we can not go for people who are obviously nursing a broken heart.

[renaissancewoman101]

I keep on hearing about rebound relationships. What exactly would define a rebound relationship? Most people will eventually date again after a breakup. Is the first dating relationship after a breakup usually considered a rebound? Do rebounds ever work out?

[FCTex]

A rebound is simply someone who you date within the realm of still nursing a break up.

 

If you still wake up thinking of your ex, if you bitter about your break up, ect. If you talk about them to other still..

 

We all want someone in life. Thats human nature for most. We all hate to be rejected and hate to be alone, so we get active and search, we date, we talk, we get social and we try and lock down a relationship.

 

While it might not be ideal, or honestly the best of both worlds. In that day and time, after a break it, it's the best thing. Your not alone. You have all the creature comforts your used to and you have someone to get your mind away from the grind of the break up, and everything that has tied to it..

 

In that case, when you get your fix, you bail. You pull away, you get distant and you change. You get over it all and realize your okay in the end and you can look for more meaningful realationships.

 

In some cases, that first after the break is, IS a meaningful relationship. It's just a matter of how each person feels.

 

So to answer the first question. You can't do anything. Nothing but be yourself and if it's not good enough, then move along.

 

To answer the last question. A Rebound relationship is mainly just a hindsight-tag for a relationship that didn't have any substance or meaning to it after ending. It's usually tagged when someone has recently left a realtionship prior.

[BillyJean714]

It really depends..

 

Ask her. I know both dumpers/dumpees who wanted to get back with their ex's. Overall, from my own personal experiences, and friend's experiences, the saying "Once an ex, always an ex" for the most part, holds true. There is a reason behind the breakup you know.

 

I think you should go with the flow and not worry. If you worry, it only hurts the progression of your relationship. If she hangs out with her ex, and cries when she talks about him, then that would be a huge RED flag. If she's not hanging out and talking on the phone with him as if they're still bestfriends, then I wouldn't worry so much. Then again, if you do have a hunch about it, you might still want to be a little cautious. Maybe she's not right for you and you somehow sense it.

[Jhodas]

I've been someone's rebound more than once. The first time it hurt, because I really cared for the girl and she left me to get back with her ex. We're still mates though.

 

Another time, i was on the rebound as well, so when it came to a close, it was something I could just take in my stride.

 

The only way you can avoid becoming someones rebound really (IMHO) is by exercising caution. Take things slow. Even if they are not aware they're on a rebound, if what they feel for you is simply something on the bounce, interest will probably fade.

 

Caution. As with anything.

Then again, if you don't take any risks, what's the point?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

it depends..i've seen all sides of it.. as i'm sure a lot of people have.

 

for example there have been times..one time in particular i was living with this guy and we'd been together and he didn't treat me very good...ladies...you know... he was mean like pushed me down and slapped me and all kinds of stuff. even left me in the deep woods all by my self for like 14 hours in the winter time! and finally after that i just stopped having any feelings about him altogether..so when i left i was totally fine with dating someone new, like i wasn't conflicted because i was DONE.

 

but like one time i was fool enough to be in a relationship with a guy who'd just broke up with his ex. i was a little leary... but he said, oh, no, we just weren't right for each other, and he really didn't bring it up other than that, so i thought, "ok, this guy is not on the rebound it's ok". but then everything seemed fine for a while if not him being a little too smothering me. but he all of a sudden started accusing me of being too independent and getting all dramatic on me and then eventually we broke up and he is now married to his ex! haha...she can have him...i don't need the drama anyway.

[Spawn]

If she hangs out with her ex, and cries when she talks about him, then that would be a huge RED flag. If she's not hanging out and talking on the phone with him as if they're still bestfriends, then I wouldn't worry so much. Then again, if you do have a hunch about it, you might still want to be a little cautious. Maybe she's not right for you and you somehow sense it.

 

I have to let this out....

 

My ex when we got back together, she used to talk to her ex over phone, it was not a friendly one since she used to tell me, he was tryin to get back with her. But she wouldn't still tell him that she was with me. All their talk over phone would be revolving around how this guy made her so sweat in the relationship, he would make her listen to some moments they spent together and he had actually taped it.

 

We got back together only after she felt her ex had changed a lot. But whenever we used to talk she would always tell me she had loads of sweat moments with her ex.

 

hmm....i think i ignored some red flags there.

 

i thought dating was being the way we are, but the way she made me feel like it seems i should have done somethin special to make her forget her ex.

 

well thats bad thinking, the key it seems is to take it slow and not gettin serious about it so soon.

[Spawn]

but he all of a sudden started accusing me of being too independent and getting all dramatic on me and then eventually we broke up and he is now married to his ex! haha...she can have him...i don't need the drama anyway.

 

yup my ex is also back with her ex, they are also planning to get engaged.....well good for them.

 

Loads of drama in my case too.....its just that i ignored all the signs.

[BillyJean714]

*sigh* Sorry to hear that.

 

First of all, there are boundaries in relationships. Her talking to her ex the way she did wasn't right. If you established that, and she still did it, then it's a huge red flag:

 

1. She didn't respect the relationship you BOTH shared.

2. She obviously string you along, even if she won't admit it, she did.

 

Did you keep in touch with your ex's as well?

 

Either way, she's engaged to him now..I think that it will take time for you to get over this pain. Once you're over her, you'll think in the back of your mind, "I wish her luck.." That's how it usually goes when we're over someone.

 

With your future relationship(s), have fun. Enjoy it. Don't let baggage get in the way. I do understand that it's hard not to let your guard down, especially after getting hurt the way you did, but just realize that karma will come around..It might seem cherry and sweet for now.. Wait 10 years down the line. They might not even last. Who knows, he might hold resentment towards her for going out with you. Good luck.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

yup my ex is also back with her ex, they are also planning to get engaged.....well good for them.

 

Loads of drama in my case too.....its just that i ignored all the signs.

 

hah, i can tell you if your situation is anything like mine, you're in for a pleasant surprise....well needless to say i was quite confused by his ever-changing views on 'us' and his constant need to dramatize stuff. then dump me as if he hadn't been the one to tell me he was the real thing *please* lol. any way, maybe a while later i was still stunned and confused, and then one day, it was almost like flipping a light switch, i just saw the light, and i was so well over it. not only did i no longer feel confused....i now felt as if i had actually dodged a bullet, and that's why i mean, she can have him. i could never spend the rest of my life with someone calling me 20 times a day and needing to know my exact whereabouts at all times and all that anyway.

 

just wait spawn, when it happens, you feel quite empowered by your own freedom, and its a pretty good thing!

[Spawn]

Did you keep in touch with your ex's as well?

 

No Billy she was my first gf.....and now my first ex too.

 

I remember she trying the friends thing with me but i told her not to contact me, i don't like the idea of being friends with an ex, she did that and held on to hopes from her ex, and now they are back together.I will never do that. I feel if i am with someone in future it won't be fair to them. she would definetly feel like i am not giving 100% to them. You know trust issues and all, starts creepin in. I don't like holding on to resentments or grudges , hope i do get over with this.

 

i could never spend the rest of my life with someone calling me 20 times a day and needing to know my exact whereabouts at all times and all that anyway.

 

There were times in my case too where i felt i couldn't give attention to my work, but she would contsantly call me and i would say to her that i am little busy, then she would start crying for not givin her the importance. I would end up sayin sorry for none of my mistake...

 

Sometimes she would call and the conversation wouldn't end only....we have talked non stop 7 hours.

 

The girl was also under curfew, had to be at her place by 9 PM and only could get out at 6PM.....but i didn't hold that against her, we agreed upon talkin over phone for sometime.

 

But i feel talkin for long hours is not the right thing to do, since she started telling me we are already talking so much what is the point meetin up for 3 to 4 times a week.

[Siriana]

From my experience:

They always mentione they ex-es in conversation, but sometimes you just miss that red flag because you're fallen head over heels for them. If they talk bad things about an ex it's a red flag, if they still admire they ex-es it's a red flag. And you can always sense that you are not getting all the attention you deserve but probably you are hpoing that things will get better, that they will forget they ex, and see how great you really are....not gona happened.

I don't like people who are using someone for a rebound - o.k. there are some exceptions when it's really hard to be alone after a break up - and you can try to understand the person who does that- but I've never done that since I am older - maybe when I was a teenager, but now- it's week and immature, and not nice toward this person who likes you and you are just using them to feel better. It's so tempting to do that - having someone by your side to feel less pain - but it doesn't really help - I think it takes you longer to sort things out and get over that person who hurted you.

And If you rebound parter is head over heels for you and you know it and you are stringing him along - well than you are selfish too. I would feel really really awfull if I used someone that way.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

There were times in my case too where i felt i couldn't give attention to my work, but she would contsantly call me and i would say to her that i am little busy, then she would start crying for not givin her the importance. I would end up sayin sorry for none of my mistake...

 

that sounds so close to my former situation...mine was a state patrol man! i never knew before that they have a reputation for being controlling...mine would not cry, but pout and act like i did something wrong when i needed to get off the phone! and he called all the time! sometimes i just wanted to do my own thing! i told him that!

 

 

hey, look at it this way, now you can breathe! kind of nice huh?

[itsallgrand]

I agree with syrix. I've always felt, that if a person desires a rebound 'feel better, get over the ex' person in their life, they should choose someone who's looking for the same thing.

Casual dating and/or sex, pretty much.

That way, no one gets hurt and all the cards are on the table.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

exactly. i've always felt that i had enough control over myself to not drag someone really deep into a relationship i really wasn't ready for, so it's kind of hard for me to have too much empathy for people who do, because they're 'confused' or whatever, (not saying it doesn't happen to people, but i do have a hard time relating with that).

[Siriana]

My favourite situation is when this other person (confused, on a rebound) already involved with you figures out that you've fallen for them and they keep leading you on - or even better they say to you openly that they are not ready for commitment but no way that they will go away - they decide to stay with you the longer they can till they start to feel better.How patetic and cowardly! Happened to me once. I wasn't the one doing that of course. I would feel awful if I knew that I am manipulating and using someone and that I am in a position to do that because they have feelings for me.

It's not bad if you manage to find someone who wants the same thing, rebound sex - but even than I think it's better in the long run to go through this time alone. If you don't learn how to do that than probably you will always be this weak type of person that is seeing someone just to avoid to be alone.

I also don't trust someone who stays very close firends with their ex-es. It is a sign that everything from the past hasn't been cleaned up jet. There are exceptions, of course, and it is easy to sense if this friendship is not completely friendly.

[btbt]

I don't think you can ever avoid being a rebound person (except by not dating the person at all) as like the other posters said, rebounders don't even know they are on the rebound. But trust your instincts. When someone is holding back from you and holding hopes for someone else, you know in your gut (maybe this is why you are asking the question). I dated a guy 6 months out of his divorce and I bet if I asked him if he was on the rebound, he's say, no, but guess what! Trust your gut. Maybe this person needs a friend more than a romantic partner.

[Shesa]

No sure way. Love is all about taking chances. I'd watch for signs early on that she has not moved on. Does she talk about him? That's a bad sign and I would steer clear. Why did their relationship end? That may shed some light.