Choose between love and sexual chemistry?

[ramsickle1369]

I'm not belittling what you have gone through, or putting the blame for the lack of passion on you. But I'm just wondering about how unconscious relationship patterns may factor in here. Sometimes it's hard to find a connection in a relationship that feels unfamiliar, if the relationships you have known in the past where there WAS a connection have all been negative.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'm totally behind you 100%.

 

One more thing... You are right in your assumptions... It took me about 2 years to realize the things that really bothered me about my previous relationship. I even began doing the things that my previous partner did that I hated the most!! And about three years to STOP doing it!

 

It did boil down to feeling familiar... but I was able to recognize that and differentiate between the good and bad passions... In fact, when I recognize the bad passion I still get the chills. I am currently getting a friend of mine out of a very similar relationship... Hearing them talk at one another freaked me out. Strange how things can trigger your emotions!!

 

Thanks for the support!

[Cyberchick]

Ramsickle, I'm glad you are finding things out for yourself and have things straight inside your head. And I wish you alot of luck with this new guy. whether or not things will work out with himin the long run is one thing, but it's nice for you to feel sexually awakened. Again, best of luck to you. Keep us updated.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

And I am finding out how much I actually hid and shut down while with my husband. To be blunt, I wasn't being the real me.

Hmmm, why exactly is that? Was it because you didn't think he'd care to reciprocate? He would brush it off? Or that he simply wasn't the guy for you in the bedroom?

 

It seems that he put me on a "wife" pedastal and anything that a red-blooded man would want to do to a woman sexually must have felt wrong for him. It's as if it was a conflict between lover and wife... To me, they are the same thing...

I thought so too, but there are some men who think that way. Why this is so, I don't know. The answer would definitely explain the lack of passion.

 

To anyone reading all this still, or to people that come along later... if you are not feeling SOME passion at some point with your lover/husband/wife/etc... something is wrong...

Yeah, there seems to be a differerence between the passion "being there, being lost and being rekindled" as opposed to not being there at all, with nothing to rekindle.

 

And after some time away from the husband I've realized that I never really was that attracted to him... Sad to say, but it's true. It was the security that was attractive, and as I got more and more healthy and confident (I've always been a confident person), I began to need more than simple security...

Hmmmm, sounds like you married a good friend, which can be an incomplete package if there is no passion, as you unfortunately have found out.

 

Good luck to you. And to him.

[lostmyway]

My question for a while has been whether friendship is enough for a long term relationship, especially when everyone you talk to says that chemistry dies down with time. What if I leave him and find chemistry. Only to end up in another relationship without the friendship I have now and a wilting chemistry.... will it be my biggest regret ever??

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm a journey it certainly is!

 

Wow, this thread caught my attention as I am dealing with a similar situation. Sometimes_vague, I too ask myself the same question...over and over and over. I don't know that it has an answer, other than picking a path based on your own criteria and moving on. My problem is that no matter which way I choose there is something gained and something lost. Depending on which way I have leaned, what ever I am losing becomes so painfull that I have got back on the fence. I have been separated for over a year now and a week ago I made a decision to get divorced. I have not yet told my wife and I'm struggling so hard with the feeling that I'm looking at the wrong things...sex, passion, and playing together (chemistry) is not as importaint as unconditional love and friendship. Yet I crave having that love and friendship with someone I have a strong attraction and chemistry for. I am worried that I'm being tempted by the Sirens and that in the end I will realize that I already had it all.

 

I think that if I had dated at all I would be better equiped to handle this. I started dating my wife when I was 19 and never had any prior long term relationships to compare to. ](*,)

[ramsickle1369]

Hmmm, why exactly is that? Was it because you didn't think he'd care to reciprocate? He would brush it off? Or that he simply wasn't the guy for you in the bedroom?

 

It wasn't that I didn't "THINK" he'd reciprocate, it was that he DIDN'T! I tried and tried to get a response and rarely got any satisfaction from his reactions… That just tore me up and literally killed me.

 

Hmmmm, sounds like you married a good friend, which can be an incomplete package if there is no passion, as you unfortunately have found out.

 

Exactly! That's what I did. I always said that I married my best friend. And everyone said how great that is to do. And it was or I would have left MANY years ago…

 

I'm struggling so hard with the feeling that I'm looking at the wrong things...sex, passion, and playing together (chemistry) is not as importaint as unconditional love and friendship. Yet I crave having that love and friendship with someone I have a strong attraction and chemistry for. I am worried that I'm being tempted by the Sirens and that in the end I will realize that I already had it all.

 

It is my personal belief that you can and should have them all… If it was easy to find the right person with all those qualities, there'd be many more people married for 60+ years!

 

It's a gamble I guess… sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But I would rather place the bet and have a chance at winning than sit the game out altogether… OK, sorry for the poker references, but it's true. It's scary as heck to make the move to go it alone… All the lonely people in the world will tell you that it's better to at least be with someone and not alone… But I have a feeling those are the same people that wouldn't risk getting hurt to avoid the potential pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it seems most of you here do as well.

[novaseeker]

It's certainly true. I don't think you can have a very functional, happy marriage without a sex and intimate life that is satisfying for both partners. In part that was what happened in my marriage as well. We were, and still are, "friends", at least in an intellectual sense (not in the hanging out and doing things together sense, heh), but the sex part just didn't ever really work between us and eventually it was impossible to stay married and be happy. Yes, it's hard to break off and be alone for a bit, but believe me you will be happier than being in an unhappy marriage.

[ramsickle1369]

Yes, it's hard to break off and be alone for a bit, but believe me you will be happier than being in an unhappy marriage.

 

Yeah, that's where I got to... I'd rather be lonely and happy than married and dead. At least now there's hope of something fulfilling...

 

Best of luck to all you going thru similar situations! Believe me when I say, you WILL find someone to wake you up... I know I did... HOLY COW did I!!! I just have to wonder if it feels so intense because I was so cold and dead for so long??? Probably... But either way... I'm happier!

[salsaweb]

Congratulations on your new relationship. Must be fun and intoxicating as every new relationship is.

I apologize if I do not write what you want to read. But you must at 30 know that everything new eventually becomes known and old too.

You had a person who was say a 90% of everything you would ever want. Sorry to break it to you but the perfect 100% doesnt exist. This or any new person may not even measure up to a 70%, all things considered.

Your final solution is to me very superficial. Will you leave this new guy if say he does not make enough money for example? I believe your priorities are pretty immature and selfish. In my experience, my girlfriend was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 24. After all that is required of the treatment you can imagine how much sex life I had. Still that taught me that there are other important things in life than just sex. Perhaps, after you are done having sex one night you could turn on the light to see into this new man's soul, so that when he comes up short on another aspect of him you wont be turned off.

There are many men and women that will take their clothes off for another person but few are those who will care for you enough to accept you and love you throughout all your changes as your ex husband did for you.

 

I cant agree with your solution but I still wish you the best of luck.

[ramsickle1369]

salsaweb,

 

I am very sorry to hear your girlfriend had Lukemia at 24. That is an awful thing and you are noble to have stuck by her. However, those circumstances are VERY different. My husband is a strong man, with good family and his health.

 

It is clear that you have never been in the situation I was in. It isn't about whether we had actual sex, it was the barriers between two people who aren't sexually compatible. It is impossible to illustrate the empty feeling of "why doesn't he want me". He was incapable of SHOWING what he felt. I cried and tried for years to make something exist that didn't.

 

And to make things clear, there IS no new relationship... there was only a second, no, third awakening... I am have even gone as far to NOT have any relationship for two years. (Not saying no dating) I have never been self-sufficient or independent. I GOT married and stayed in my marriage because the guilt of hurting him was stronger than the need to be desired. After many MANY years (9 to be exact) of hoping and trying to create chemistry and being turned down and made to feel dirty and ugly physically, taking drugs thinking that I might be able to feel passionate for my husband, I met someone who's mere presense stirred incredible passion and chemistry. I actually GOT married thinking that the honeymoon would rekindle the flame...

 

The fact is that there never was strong chemistry and I knew that after about a year with him. I made a mistake in getting married... THAT was the only immature thing I will admit to. And his responses, or lack of fight to my decision to leave only makes things clear that it was wrong...

 

Your comparison to the finances is superficial IMHO. That is something that will come and go, companionship, friendship, and Sexual passion are things that either exist or don't. You can't MAKE any of them happen. AND... if you could be married with only companionship and friendship, then why is it so hard to find someone you really "connect" with? Perhaps it would have helped understand the actual issue if you had read every post... I realize there's a lot there, but it truly unfolded into a VERY different issue than what I originally thought.

 

 

You had a person who was say a 90% of everything you would ever want. Sorry to break it to you but the perfect 100% doesnt exist. This or any new person may not even measure up to a 70%, all things considered.

I am not looking for 100%... All I know is that I made a mistake getting married.

 

Another thing that is pretty scary is that my family and closest friends are seeing a very happy me... some for the VERY first time. I used to always hear how negative I was... those very same people are calling me possitive and happy now! They see that this was the right thing to do. And I feel HAPPY for the first time in a decade! I was NOT happy in my marriage--and it was NOT just because of the lack of sex... Or the lack of anything remotely CLOSE to sex... Or the lack of kisses, or holding, anything. OR the fact that he made me feel as if I were NOT worthy of his desire. The real issue here was that I was UNHAPPY with him... In MANY ways beyond sex. He is a wonderful man and a great companion. But there's more to marriage and a relationship than that. Anyone thinking there ins't is either misguided or fulfilled in all three.

 

I appreciate your comments, but I am a bit slighted at your judgement so quickly. You do not know the whole story and name-calling is not fair.

[Ash]

Salsaweb, what happens if you take away 50% of what is important? Is that reason enough? Intimacy, affection, closeness, in effect the complete physical side of the marriage was missing.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your girlfriend's condition. Are you still with her? I know little of the outfall of the treatments but I imagine she still wanted the affection and closeness and you likely gave that to her. It's not the same in this situation. It's not the absense of sex itself that was the issue, it was the absense of the whole thing behind sex, the chemistry, as stated in the title of the thread.

 

It's an extremely difficult decision to make and there are those who sit on both sides of the issue and say the decisions has to be a certain way and the other way is wrong. Then there are those who offer advice and information to help the person making the decision make the correct one for themselves and try not to be judgemental. It's not always easy, but it's perhaps more helpful.

 

A final note, on rereading most of this thread I think it's important to note that Ramsickle didn't run out of her marriage into the arms of another man. As far as I can see (and backup up by her latest post) this was not the case. There are a great many marriages and relationships that are ended in a far more negative manner than this marriage. Much thought and discussion has been put into this one.

[ramsickle1369]

Ash you are so sweet... Thank you. I was a bit unnerved at the reaction this post made me feel. And perhaps I posted too quickly and out of that anger to that post. I apologize if I was in any way rude to you, salsaweb... that was not my intent.

 

I fear that people will stay in a situation because someone tells them to or because they feel guilty getting out. It's much harder to end a relationship when you know it's wrong than to stay because it's "the way it is"...

 

Each person has to make their own decisions. With the help of others, they will come to a more educated choice that is right for them. I know I did.

[hardcharger]

for me passion is so important, I have put up with so many terrible emotions and basically abuse from my wife for so many years, but the sex life and physical chemistry was always good, from day one. And it still is, 20yrs and very much sex later. So even in those terrible times, I just held on, knowing something had to be right. Mid Jan of this year we went away and had a very special weekend together, that Monday she started taking Lexipro, since then I have lived what I consider an ideal marriage and relationship, that yin/yang but in a partnership is there everyday. Because of my sex drive, my wife thinks I would have sex with any women. She doesn't realize, as discussed above, that physical chemistry is very special, I'm with alot of women everyday, and I truly only feel a physical chemistry with a small % of them. It has to be right and when it is, you'll know it. Nice thread Ramsickle, because did a good job of explaining yourself. >Husbands lack of sex drive - doubt it is due to fact of beging virgin at 25, maybe that is why he was a virgin?

[ramsickle1369]

hardcharger,

 

Thanks for the kind words. It is refreshing to hear that it IS important. It amazes me how many people down-play the importance of chemical attraction. I only makes me believe that either they don't have any in their relationship, Or they have never NOT had it in their relationship.

 

[ramsickle1369]

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread since it's so long already, but I figured there was so much turmoil already that it would be good to post a progress note… Hope you don't mind.

 

I have just completed moving into my own place two weekends ago. I knew that the reality of the decision to go it alone would hit me hard especially since I have never really LIVED alone.

 

Sure enough, the first week I was there, I broke down and slipped into a little depression for about four days. I knew it was temporary but I still felt myself freaking out and thinking things like "What happened to the life I was supposed to have?!" and "This isn't how it was supposed to be!"

 

I was very angry those days, too. I was angry that I couldn't make it work. That I made a mistake getting married in the first place. That he never really "believed" me that this really bothered me until I was done and ready to leave! It was especially hard to not have those familiar arms to hold me during that depressive state. But I managed, knowing that it historically never went beyond holding in those moments.

 

Instead of doing what I have done all these years, which is retreat into my room and speak to no one, I reached out to the many friends and family that have been supporting me all along. And that helped tremendously!! It really didn't take much for them to say for me to get a small glimmer of hope and press on. By the 5th day, I had some friends coming over and we just took it easy by the pool, talking, catching up. That was a lifesaver!

 

Another thing that I should throw in here—simply because it can easily happen to anyone else, is that during the Month of May, I also experienced many personal losses that did not relate to the divorce, and yet I survived! My father had his Prostate Cancer removed, my Grandfather suddenly passed away, My Uncle had a mild heart attack and was hospitalized for angioplasty, and my brother blew out his knee and had surgery, too. As if that wasn't enough fun, I also had to move everything out of my ex's house! ALL this within ONE MONTH! I don't know exactly how I managed to survive… But I did. By the last surgery, I was literally laughing at the irony of it all. It was then that I realized, no matter how hard things get, they can ALWAYS get worse. So why worry to death about it? I have since gained perspective on life and fun. I am no longer afraid to live, Afraid to love or afraid to FAIL. I know I will ALWAYS be OK!

 

I feel it is important to also address the person that turned my life upside down to begin with. Yes, it's a man that I am attracted to, that is attracted to me (I know this now for sure). No, there is no romantic relationship with this man, nor is one planned. We have talked a lot and gotten together once – which was romantic and quite magical, actually – but for now, we are just "friends". I realized in talking with him, and wondering if there was some future there, that I am in no shape to allow someone into my heart just yet. I felt a lot of pain and fear there still and decided that my plan to NOT get serious about anyone for 2 full years still seems to be the best thing. I am actually very thankful that things with this guy have NOT progressed too much because I am afraid that I may not have been able to remain autonomous from him—based on my nature. He is also tremendously respectful of the turmoil I've been thru and remains at a distance emotionally. His support has been invaluable, too. The best thing is that I have yet another friend I can confide in that makes me think in a capacity I do not normally think in. He thinks very differently than I do, emotionally anyway.

 

It feels very good to know that my intuition was DEAD ON regarding the situation with the new guy. It also has taught me to really listen to and more importantly TRUST my own intuition. So, that's how I live now—trusting my heart and my intuition. So far, so good!

 

Well, I guess that's about it… As I stated before, I would not be OK today without the support of all of you and everyone around me, so, THANK YOU!

 

I hope people continue to gain something from seeing this entire process unfold… Luck and love to all. Listen to your intuition, you won't go wrong!

[Stambler]

GOOD FOR YOU RAM!

 

I was so happy to see your post, as it's been over a month (I check for my faves every morning!).

 

I was not only VERY happy to hear that your doing well, but that you have managed through some really difficult situations all at once - and your approaching the new relationship in the most mature way.

 

Good for you, good for you, good for you...

 

I'm sincerely happy for you and look forward to all the updates!

[ramsickle1369]

Thanks Camber... Well, when it rains is certanly pours... And it's not over... I have been diagnosed with a blood clot and am hospitalized for a few days. I think I'll be OK, but MY GOD!

 

As for the relationship, I wouldn't go that far as to call it a relationship. It is really just sex. And since I've hardly heard from him since being hospitalized, I am certain of this arrangement. Yes, it hurts. But I knew this going in. Just sex.

 

I sure hope that this is rock bottom for me and things stop being QUITE so dramatic for a while!

[Stambler]

How are you doing Ram? I hope everything is turning out OK at the hospital. Have you heard from your new flame???

[ramsickle1369]

OMG! I am so sorry! I guess I never got the message that this reply was submitted!

 

I am doing GREAT Physically. On blood thinners till January (or sooner if I can help it!) But it was the birth control that caused the clot and not my body. THANK GOODNESS!

 

I am doing good emotionally for the most part. I am still dealing with the ups and downs. One moment I am high as a kite and happy as can be, then within minutes, I am crying! I am also really really exhausted. I guess an 8-month adrenalin rush will do that to ya?

 

I am getting settled into my new life and it's hard to think sometimes that I am where I am. Other times I think about another man just hanging out with me like I used to do in my marriage and it seems so foreign. As if no one will ever take that place. Just a mix of emotions still. But it's getting better and better every week. I've spoken several times to my X and we are very friendly. That's really nice considering we really only broke up about 6 months ago! Like I've always said, he's a good guy. Just not the one I should have married.

 

It didn't help that I had a huge blow up with my dearest and bestest friend a month ago. We aren't talking yet and I've been able to see other old friends as a result. So it's not all bad.

 

Yes, I have heard from the flame. And it’s gotten hotter! We are both in similar situations emotionally so it’s strictly “business” and no commitment. And for some reason, people seem to have a hard time believing that I want that. Maybe it’s cuz I’m a chick or maybe it’s because I’ve traditionally fallen head over heals instantly. And in all honesty, I could fall for this one. But my heart wont go there. It’s a bit of a conflict internally. I am just not ready to settle on any one person. It hasn’t worked so well in the past and I refuse to allow myself to get lost again. Luckily, he’s also in the same boat (except he’s not dating anyone else) and I am totally open with him about who I see and when. That’s just me, tho.

 

Anyway, thanks for asking! Sorry I took so long

[sometimes_vague]

Hi I'm back, curious to know whats been happening.... and still searching the web for info on the elusive information around chemistry. Im still with my partner, but the non chemistry is starting to affect everything and we've started talking about separation, although neither of us really want to - yet neither want to live a life without sexual passion. He asked me again to go to a counsellor for another opinion about our situation. So I did. The counsellor was very thorough, and we were both happy with his assessment. The counsellor admitted to finding our situation very difficult. He stated that 2/3 of our relationship is at an extremely higher level that many couples never reach (respect, maturity, trust, companionship etc). And to that he said we have the perfect relationship for an older couple, for whom sex is not always needed so much. But his concern lay (as for us) around me not feeling any chemistry for my partner. We explored this for ages and he identified that there were no obvious causes or hang ups and that I was actually sexually healthy, yet couldn't find attraction to my partner. To this end he cautioned that without sexual chemistry our relationship would likely deteriorate over time and eventually end. He suggested that we should consider separation whilst we still are able to communicate respectfully and move on with our lives. We left feeling very deflated, hoping there would be an answer or something else to try. It was good to know that we have been trying everything possible to find the chemistry and that we haven't missed anything. But we still haven't made the decision. We don't want to lose our compatibility and dreams of a family and future together..... yet its bitter to think that we may miss out on a complete relationship with passion should we ignore this obvious problem. I'm still lost and scared.... I'm excited at the thought of another chance to find someone who I can feel chemistry for, but am so scared that this may be the wrong choice and I end up with nothing at all.

[whoops]

i thought that passion always died in a relationship - or does it not - dont you have to do something to make it keep going? what an interesting topic - interested to hear your views on it.

[ramsickle1369]

The best thing you can do for the relationship, and more importantly—YOU, it to learn to love yourself and value yourself. No one can fill you or complete you. You must get to a point where you validate yourself. Learn to love yourself. It sounds very cliché, and I suppose it kind of is. But when you reach that moment of pure love for yourself, the love you seek so desperately appears out of no where.

 

You sound like you are realizing that you can only control how you react to situations and your actions. When you start focusing on the positive things in your life, positive things come to you.

 

Hang on and things will work out. Time is the only thing that really heals. But allowing the healing to happen is just as important. Don’t dwell on the past or try to understand every detail. Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be.

[ramsickle1369]

PhD Diagnosis of Separation Anxiety

 

OK, so I started therapy again to figure out why I have a spontaneous anxiety attacks and emptiness. We discussed that maybe it's b/c I have been "governed" by someone all my life and not having that person there leaves me feeling abandoned. Maybe, it's a thought. The confusing part is this, it was MY choice to leave. I knew I was empty and no matter who I try to fill the void with, I remain empty. When I am with a guy, I always feel terrible when he leaves. I can't tell you why…?? It's been there for as long as I can remember. It bothers me most with this guy b/c I don't know if or when I will be with him again-no security.

 

I will be continuing therapy for a while to see if I can't identify where the emptiness comes from and how to move thru it. If anyone has input, I'm all ears.

 

PS—she had me try this exercise where you write with your non-dominant hand (if you're right handed, use your left, etc.) It was REALLY hard to write that way, btw!! BUT, she says it has a way of using the other side of your brain and the issue will usually come up and surprise you. SO… I will be writing scribbles until I figure this out. I hope it works!

 

Again, if anyone has had something similar, I'd love to hear from you.

[NJRon]

Have you thought about the fact that perhaps you pick people to be with that are a not exactly what you are looking for in order to keep the fear of them leaving at bay? I don't know your history with other guys, so I wouldn't know for sure.

 

As far as I know, separation anxiety isn't that uncommon. I mean, who isn't scared of losing someone that they have invested a lot of emotional energy into. However, that often leaves on either not investing themselves all the way in the relationship... or, finding someone that you wouldn't be hurt so much were they to leave. Either of those scenarios can lead to fairly "empty" feeling relationships.

 

Just throwing some thoughts out there. I've experienced that pattern before too. Mine was deep seated in a number of distruptions in family life, including being removed from an extended family, moving constantly and parental divorce.. all from childhood... not to mention my own spectacular relationship explosions Once I identified the sources, it was much easier for me to just acknowledge them and let them go.

 

It wasn't until I started focusing on filling my life with things that were fulfilling (and healthy ) to me (spiritual practice, self-improvement, community service... etc) that the emptiness started to fade. Again... just throwing some stuff out from my own experiences. Don't know if they apply but, hopefully some food for thought.

 

I read your post from 6/28 and saw all the great things you were doing for yourself. Really getting situated and independent... is that still going well? How's your social circle?

[ramsickle1369]

NJron,

 

That’s just it. Things are really going great. It’s all good and I’m busy working and playing with friends and family. I have a large family, a great upbringing, no essential REASON to feel so damn empty. And logic has clearly escaped my issue. It’s as if I still depend on having a man and my feelings seem based on his. If he’s giving me attention, I feel great. When he’s not I’m slipping into depression. I know in my head that it’s stupid and that I should just not feel that way, not rely on another to make me happy. But that emptiness remains, no matter what I do or who I’m with (unless I’m with him). And I use the word him to mean ANY guy I’m interested in, because the feeling has been there thru each guy I’ve dated.

 

My parents are divorced, but I was under 2 years old and really don’t believe that it had much of an impact. I’ve always been close to my parents, in fact I had two sets of great parents… it all just makes no sense…

 

I really fear that I will wind up not investing all of me in a relationship and suffer because of it. I’ve always given myself completely, and I thought that was total trust and love, but now maybe it’s giving too much. I need to take care of me first and set some boundaries, maybe? Don’t know… Just thinking…

 

It is VERY true that I’ve liked the guys I’ve been with because he wanted me because he was someone that wanted me. Now, I didn’t like them solely because they liked me, but it was a huge factor. Now, I am sorta casually seeing someone that I never thought in a million years would want me, because I wanted him really badly. and each time I’m with him I cannot believe he is there with me. I definitely settled with my husband. He felt safe and I stayed for WAAAY longer than I should have. I knew it was not right, but maybe it was the fear of being alone had more of an impact that I thought. I always thought I stayed because he was a great guy and I didn’t want to hurt him by leaving.

 

Don’t really know… what a mess I am, huh?

[NJRon]

Well... no more a mess than I... nor most I imagine

 

I'm just going to throw out two good books I found helpful...

 

"Codependent No More" - Melody Beattie (though I don't necessarily agree with all the concepts of co-dependence... it has really good information about setting reasonable boundaries and such. No one really tauught me how to when i was young, so I had to teach myself)

 

"Love is Letting Go of fear" - Gerald G. Jampolsky (I really like this book because it describes very well some basic exercises in letting go of fear... what fear is. Gives good things to think about but isn't really deep. An easy read indeed.)

 

Falling in love with being in love... liking someone because they like you... yes.. those are both projections. There is, i am sure, a reason that you feel empty. There are two schools of thought that i have run accross.

 

The first is to find out the reason, so you can acknowledge it and let it go. The other, which is also useful, is realize that the reason really doesn't matter. Move on from it. Some people spend too much time trying to figure out *why* they are the way they are and not enough time just becoming the person they want to be... analysis paralysis.

 

Keep thinking out loud... I always do and it helps me too... brainstorming is always a great tool.

 

Hang in there