Choose between love and sexual chemistry?

[NJRon]

The only reason I say that is when you have too many things going on, it becomes harder to deal with them. You get distracted. Who wants to move, deal with a relationship, go to school *and* try to improve their business. The stress gets too much and mistakes are made.

 

In addition, if you work on getting your business off the ground, you are laying a foundation for getting out on your own... under your own terms. If you don't, not only will you be leaving your husband, you will also be relying on him to support you.

 

So, whether you decide to grow your business, or you decide to pursue a different job or, you need schooling to get a job... be careful that you don't bite off more than you can chew.

 

I understand entirely the desire to change everything at once. To get a whole, new, fresh start. A lot of that comes from the feeling of stagnation that has lasted so long, the feeling that you need to reinvent yourself. It took years to get to this point, and it deserves appropriate time and focus to resolve. Better to do one thing well than many things poorly.

[Stambler]

How's Ramsickle today? I hope you're feeling a bit better knowing we're here for you! I think NJ is referring to "focus". If you make too many changes at once, you may develop a false sense of what you really want, and lose the focus on what is best for you. You may also have difficulty making too many changes at once and get frustrated. NJ is far more eloquent at wording these things, but that's my best shot!

[TiredMan]

 

In addition, if you work on getting your business off the ground, you are laying a foundation for getting out on your own... under your own terms. If you don't, not only will you be leaving your husband, you will also be relying on him to support you.

 

 

Wait if she leaves him because of the reasons she has said (he isn't really doing anything "wrong"), why would he have to support her? I don't think a court would say he does.

[NJRon]

Depending on what state she lives in, yes, it could very well come into play. Alimony and/or maintenance payments still come into play even in uncontested divorces. It is, more often than not, a decision of the court, not of the individuals getting the divorce.

[Ash]

Wait if she leaves him because of the reasons she has said (he isn't really doing anything "wrong"), why would he have to support her? I don't think a court would say he does.

 

I'm not sure about the laws where Ramsickle is, but I view this as a breakdown of marriage type of thing. There is no adultery or abuse. But there is not mutual happiness. I don't think there's blame either way, they're just not on the same page. Neither is "wrong", neither is really "right", but she for oone for sure is very unhappy, and we honestly don't know if he is getting what he thinks he should from the marriage.

 

Where I am, support is not tied to blame, it's simply a way of equalizing things on separation. In this case, we've no real idea about mutual assets, what his income is versus her income etc. so it's very hard for us to judge what a potential support situation might be. Granted, the idea is to be self sufficient, but based on how the marriage has been it can take a while to attain that goal, and it's entirely possible a court would decide support was necessary for a while.

 

Perhaps we're borrowing trouble by discussing this, I'm not sure.

[ramsickle1369]

Thanks everyone... First of all, I would never accept alimony from him. My personal opinion of that is it's complete crap! JMHO, of course. But I think that everyone should be self-sufficient.

 

And besides that, he HAS supported me as I ventured the waters the last 3 years from unstable jobs, to unemployment all for a business of my own. In fact, there is excellent opportunity for me arising that I am confident will reach my professional goals. That is already under way and is what made me realize why I was really unhappy all this time.

 

One goal I am setting today is to get a temporary job to fill the holes when I am not working with this new venture. This will get my mind a little preoccupied, which is a great thing right now. It's when I feel better. All this sitting around and "waiting" and thinking is literally killing me (can't eat, sleep, think, etc.) And I am trying to keep healthy. Good news tho! I've lost 15 pounds And I know it's not the right way to lose weight, but I have no appetite.

 

Anyway, I am doing OK. Scared to death and hurting that it has come to this. I am also trying to continue to take it slow and think and see how I feel after a couple more weeks. I look forward to this being done and overwith, either way it turns out. I guess I just have to walk thru th fire. I am ready to make any of those decisions yet anyway. But I am starting to make a plan for myself.

 

The one thing I feel I need is my own place with my own things. So that's why an income better than unemployment is essential (not to mention the satisfaction of being productive).

 

One more thing, we do own a house in Los Angeles County, CA. If any of you know anything about the market here, you'll see there's ample dollars if we do have to sell. Even thought we've mortgaged the living crap out of it! There's still a decent amount free and clear if it was sold. So that's a last effort. I really want him to keep it, I just know that financially it's not possible. We barely make the payments together…

 

I don’t want to stiff him. He’s been a good provider, always. I just want it to be fair. Of course, if things at some point don’t got fairly, I’m a fighter too. Heck I plan on going to school to study law And I do medical collections for a living… I know how to get what I deserve…

 

Emotionally, I am still a wreck, but getting out helps a lot. So I try to fill my days with busy work until things pan out. Thanks for checking on me, that’s very comforting!

 

You all take care, too!

[TiredMan]

Depending on what state she lives in, yes, it could very well come into play. Alimony and/or maintenance payments still come into play even in uncontested divorces. It is, more often than not, a decision of the court, not of the individuals getting the divorce.

 

If one person just decides to leave, it's more of a tough luck thing in my book. Not talking about "her" case in general but if my spouse just wanted to leave me (for someone else, to pursue someone else, wants to be free) for any of those type reasons and she was going to ask for support, I just wouldn't agree to the divorce. But that's me.

[Ash]

If one person just decides to leave, it's more of a tough luck thing in my book. Not talking about "her" case in general but if my spouse just wanted to leave me (for someone else, to pursue someone else, wants to be free) for any of those type reasons and she was going to ask for support, I just wouldn't agree to the divorce. But that's me.

 

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. You can't not agree to a separation if she wants one. There are legal steps that can be taken to force the issue. It's not tough luck, there are legalities involved. At least that's how it works where I am.

[TiredMan]

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. You can't not agree to a separation if she wants one. There are legal steps that can be taken to force the issue. It's not tough luck, there are legalities involved. At least that's how it works where I am.

 

Oh I would find a way. I would rather have anything happen to me other than being taken advantage of or ripped off. I would do ANYTHING to avoid that happening.

[ramsickle1369]

Oh I would find a way. I would rather have anything happen to me other than being taken advantage of or ripped off. I would do ANYTHING to avoid that happening.

 

 

 

Grrrrr. Sounds like you have had some pretty crappy stuff happen to you. Sorry that you had to go thru that. No one deserves to get it all. At least not if you built it together. Just because one party isn't happy doesn't give the other the right to everything...

 

However, I am not that way at all. In fact, I'd probably give up too much. Luckily, he isn't that way either, altho other factors could easily change that.

[eljose]

Hi Ramsickle,

 

your situation has a lot of parallels with issues that I had to deal with for 13 years of my marriage. I was patient, understanding and faithful. We talked about it often, went to counseling and read a lot of books about it. Nothing helped.

 

Someone with sexual or emotional issues related to it has a very hard time of changing that. My wife never could. She would read a book about sex and then I would get... robotic sex out of a book. You can not teach that stuff.

 

You are doing the right thing in moving forward. Trust me and do it now, before the resentment turns to hate, before more of you and your husbands time is consumed by something that won't change.

 

I read your emotions in your post and you sound like you have reached the boiling point. Again, I do not mean to negative about marriage, but sometimes you just have to let go. I never thought I would be like that, but here I am, waiting for the divorce to go through, and waiting to live life to the fullest again.

 

Good luck and keep to whats in your heart, its important.

 

J

[ramsickle1369]

J, you described it so well. The few times we have gotten somewhat adventurous, it was exactly like that, a robot. It sucks and I keep hearing, "Why'd you marry him" when I tell people I knew 7 years ago. And my only response is that I thought he'd eventually come out of his shell or that the lack of it was normal after a while.

 

I don't mean to make him out to sound horrible, because he really is a wonderful person. It's just that when he started to lose weight, he started boasting about how easy it was and how I should do it too because I have a slight belly (that no one ever believes unless the see me w/o a shirt covering it) and after a while I told him it was bugging me, he apologized and said, well, I just know it bugs you. It did, just not that much. I could hide it and just avoid the bikini and be OK. There were just so many little comments that by themselves in a healthy sex life, wouldn't mean a thing, but the wore on me after a while and made me feel ugly, further adding to my concerns about the marriage.

 

Does anyone by any chance know of a non-prescription remedy for stress? My hands haven't stopped shaking in weeks and my heart is still pounding like mad... Any ideas?

 

Thanks everyone! Hope you all manage your situations with the wisdom you've given me.

 

Much Love to all!

[eljose]

"Why'd you marry him" when I tell people I knew 7 years ago. And my only response is that I thought he'd eventually come out of his shell or that the lack of it was normal after a while.

 

Yes, I had the same thought, "she'll losen up with time", but if any thing, she retreated further once we were married. It felt like "now I have the ring, who needs so much of this sex stuff?" (well... I did!) I am sure she did not think that as she is a wonderful person, but unfortunately, I think she would be better for someone else. She deserves that opportunity and so does your husband.

 

Truth be told, everytime I brought this up I could tell it hurt her because she did not really comprehend what I was getting at. It may be the same for your husband and that may explain some of the pointy comments he has thrown your way.

[ramsickle1369]

J, maybe we should hook our soon to be ex's up? You know, I was in the salon yesterday and someone said to me, "Why doesn't he just grab you and F*** the crap out of you?" And at first it made me laugh because of the comment. But then I started analyzing it wondefing, why the heck doesn't he? Not once has he EVER done that. I guess he just doesn't get it. But I just can't explain how that makes me feel. What's wrong with ME that I don't excite him in that way? And what a painful and ego-busting feeling that is.

 

I guess all this time I've been worrying about HIS ego that I never even thought of what it was doing to mine. And now I'm angry. Does he REALLY think he can just ignore me for all this time and I'd be OK with it? Maybe some other women, but not me. Then I started realizing how deprived I've been and what if it really IS me??? Although I have other guys I know telling me that's not it at all. One said, "well look at you!" And I didn't know this guy that well, but he says he knew enough to know it isn't me. That helps, but still...

 

Anyway, that was my latest breakdown... Just needed to share...

 

Have a great weekend everyone!

[eljose]

Well, there is nothing wrong with you. A lot of men would grab you and F*** like there is no tomorrow. But you are right, in this area our soon to be ex's would make a good match. Some people are just born with little interest in sex. Others have some trauma that turns them from it, and others are incapable of dealing with it.

 

The reasons may vary, but it is a very hard thing for some people to come to grips with, if at all. It is not your fault, he was like that when you met him, and marriage and love can not often change that. Most likely he will be like that for the rest of his life. That is the reality you have to deal with. So did I, and that is part of the reason why I had to go.

 

Good luck, J

[ramsickle1369]

Well, that's a crappy reality, isn't it? I guess it just has to suck for a while...

[TiredMan]

I know my opinion will be in the minority here but I truly believe that if in a long term relationship or marriage, the problem is sexually related while everything else (love, loyalty, respect, ability to talk etc) are ok or good, then it's kinda immature to leave. But that is my opinion only. If I have those things, and there is no sex for 3 years, I don't think I would leave. It's just not as much as a priority to me like it was when I was 20.

[eljose]

No the problem is the not the sex. The problem is when you have other issues that are serious AND you do not the have the sex.

 

The sex and the lovemaking allowed me to conect in a way I can not do with words. Truth be told, if the sex had been great, I think I could have put up with a lot more BS for much longer than I did.

[TiredMan]

No the problem is the not the sex. The problem is when you have other issues that are serious AND you do not the have the sex.

 

The sex and the lovemaking allowed me to conect in a way I can not do with words. Truth be told, if the sex had been great, I think I could have put up with a lot more BS for much longer than I did.

 

no she said it was the sex.

 

Direct quote : "I love this man dearly and we are the best of friends. We travel, spend time together, laugh and really have a ton in common. It's never a dull moment—except in the bedroom."

 

I stand by what I said.

[eljose]

Yes, you are right. I was thinking too much about my own situation.

[Derek]

The original post did say that, but then expanded on it and I think it's about more than just physical sex, it's about feeling real intimacy with her husband.

 

I think the sex part could be overcome if that's all it was, but the other stuff, well, I think that could be overcome too, but it seems she is too tired to try again.

 

There are always problems, whether it be with this husband or the next husband... or ourselves...

 

I tend towards loyalty to the original commitment. *shrug*

 

 

[ramsickle1369]

I know my opinion will be in the minority here but I truly believe that if in a long term relationship or marriage, the problem is sexually related while everything else (love, loyalty, respect, ability to talk etc) are ok or good, then it's kinda immature to leave.

 

I think it is unfair to completely judge someone when you do not have all the details. Clearly I can never post everything that I am feeling and needing on this site for you to completely agree... And what is make or break for me may not be for someone else. To each his own. Personally, I feel so very unattractive and beaten because I never concerned myself with MY ego, Just his... and neither did he. I was always making sure HE was feeling satisfied. But never has he EVER tried to make me feel that way. Over time, I became resentful. Why in the middle of the night when I was at my lonliest did he simply ignore me--for YEARS?

 

There are different issues of “sexually related”. Each situation is different and what the parties are willing to do about it is different in each situation. T-Man, perhaps you are the type of person that would go to the ends of the earth to actually FIX the problem. Maybe some other men or women would just go have an affair and not care how it will affect things down the road.

 

In my case, he’s done NOTHING to fix this for 7 years! NOTHING. I’m not kidding. He’s shown NO actions to me that this is even something he wants. And everything I've done to try and "help" get there was met with huge resistance. He says it, but his actions are speaking MUCH louder! And I am at the point where an affair will be inevitable if I don’t get out. I can’t feel so empty any more.

 

If it were JUST a lack of sex, then I would stay, in fact, that's exactly WHY I stayed and WHY I married in the first place. I thought that with the right incentives, he would come out of his shell. Instead, what I got was longer and longer between intimacies, and then at those times it was as if nothing was there. This man shows NO passion in the bedroom. I am not talking about the drive you crazy passion everyone seeks, I am speaking of a complete lack of action. Not just sex, but all the wonderful things that make being married different than having a roommate. The kisses, the wee hours of the night caresses... The most I ever got was a had on my side.

 

It got to a point that all we were was roommates. I felt NOTHING for him physically. It was really like having sex with a friend or a brother. And when I DID tell him what I needed, even THEN he didn't do anything. When I left for the first time, he was a little more attentive and tried, but it faded as quickly as it started.

 

I told him for 7 YEARS what I needed and he NEVER took ANY action to fix the problem or figure it out. Even now, he has not taken ANY action to FIX the issue. All I have heard is how sad he is and how much he misses me. Why has he chose NOW -- when it's the MOST IMPORTANT TIME to act -- to actually listen to what I requested (which was space)? To me THAT is immature. That is selfish to the greatest extent. I made it clear this was a deal breaker, and there was NO ACTION.

 

The bottom line is happiness… If one party isn’t happy, they should find a way to get happy. If that means splitting up, it sucks, but it is what it is. If both parties are willing to work together to fix the issue, then there’s hope… Unfortunately, for me, 7 years was too long to wait and I am now cold and empty to him. I can’t get back to where there was hope and that’s not fair to HIM for me to stay in a marriage and keep HIM from finding happiness, too. Because I KNOW I can’t be happy with him and that’s just not fair to either of us.

 

One more thing… men peak in their teens while women peak in their 30’s. That’s a fact. A man wouldn’t care so much about having sex in his 30’s because he’s not at his peak. But a Husband should still consider his wife’s state when she peaks--and respond—not just assume it means nothing… That’s what hurts the most…

[Stambler]

Hey Ramsickle (what the heck is a Ramsickle anyhow?). As I read your last post, it occurred to me, you are in the same situation as my wife. What is different is that my sex drive is VERY high (I am 45) always has been, and (not boasting) every woman I've been with has stated that I was by far the best lover they ever had (I'm not a gigolo, I'm talking about the handful of women I have had intimate relationships with). My wife and I HAD a very active sex life for years. Sadly, I noticed a few months ago that things were not the same. She wouldn't talk. The sex stopped. For the past 7 years we had never gone more than 2 weeks w/o sex.

 

Now she wants a separation. She says she loves me, but isn't "in love" anymore. She told me (ouch) that she is not sexually attracted to me anymore Why? It's not my looks or my love making abilities, it WAS my personality. For years I was wallowing in my own self pity (about anything, my job, family, friends, anything that didn't go my way...). I was depressed, bitter, irritable. And didn't do anything about it. I was absolutely miserable, lost interest in all my hobbies, got very needy for my wife. So, as a result of all this she has lost all respect for me and I suspect it's too late. I finally woke up and smelled the coffee when she hit me with this out of the blue (out of the blue for me, she has been unhappy for years but thought it was her fault). I have lost 17 pounds, and I'm working out again, rediscovering my old hobies. And I realized what is really important in this world; my relationship with my wife, my son and just plain being happy

 

So, if this helps, I can certainly understand your desire to move on. My wife has seen an amazing change in me over the past few weeks, but I really think she has made up her mind. I admire you for being honest with your husband early on, as my wife waited for years, then dropped a bomb on me.

 

My opinion is that if you have been telling your husband about your needs and he hasn't done anything, then he probably will never change. When my wife told me she wanted a separation, wasn't in love, didn't find me sexually desirable anymore...my reaction was analogous to having a cattle prod poked up one's * * * * * * *! My point here is that your husband doesn't seem to get it, even after you moved out (I think you said you moved out...). He doesn't get it and (sorry to say) he never will. You have my full support in your decision.

 

Anyhow, maybe we should get together, sounds as if we aren't having our needs met in the same department!!!

[TiredMan]

I don't know about that one. Sounds like this is more your issue and not his. I am of the belief that there is NO excuse to ever cheat. Not one at all. I don't believe in all that peaking stuff. I am 30 and I am as "frisky" as I was before (sometimes more) but it's importance has gone down since I matured.

 

You are the one who said "I love this man dearly and we are the best of friends. We travel, spend time together, laugh and really have a ton in common. It's never a dull moment—except in the bedroom."

 

You may have changed your mind later on but I am going by your original statement. I believe that a relationship is all about communication, connection, sacrifice, and compromise.

[ramsickle1369]

Anyhow, maybe we should get together, sounds as if we aren't having our needs met in the same department!!!

Camber, I am flattered at the offer. Let me think about that O

 

(what the heck is a Ramsickle anyhow?).

A ramsickle is a pet name that my soon-to-be-ex came up with. Similar to a popsickle, too bad it never materialized Guess I better start thinking about changing those things, too.

 

I apreciate the support. I really do. And I also realize that even if I don't agree with a statement, it's still support and I am thankful to have heard it. We can't expect that we'd all agree. If we did it wouldn't be so helpful.

 

And yes, I have moved out... permanently. I do need to address that bit with him yet. I so far took a couple days in Feb. then went back. Then took 4 more in early March and haven't returned. So I guess the actual realization that it is in fact over is yet to come for him. But, since it's past the point of rescue for me, I guess there's nothing left to consider.