How Did I Get Here? My Unique Situation Please Help Me.

[Beyondthesea]

Oh brother, do you actually believe that? he had been a complete jerk off to you for over 6 months.

 

Do yourself a favor and don't talk to this guy anymore. You're wasting your time and energy, and you'll be very sorry if you go back.

 

You don't understand: he is an abusive person. He is telling you all this to get you back, not because he loves you, not because he is sorry. Even now his 'apology' includes blame towards you, that you abandoned him when he had been pushing you away and sleeping with other women and telling you to leave...what else would any rational human being do?

 

Of course he 'loves you' now because he's going to be deported eventually if you get a divorce. Do yourself a favor: get the divorce and get him the hell away from you!

 

It's very plain to see that he is sick, and so are you if you go back to him. Do you realize how angry your family will be if you go back to him? They will probably never speak to you again. After all you've put them through and now you want to go back?

 

Put your head on straight and think. You know this isn't right. You know going back to him means lifelong suffering.

 

Smarten up and think with your head!

[Hernj62]

You deserve someone who will give you the same love and respect! You were standing right infront of his face and he didn't want it. You've given him many chances and he made his decision. Don't jump into situations where it'll hurt yourself, whether it is a physical, emotional or mental hurt. Whoever conflicts that much pain for you to lose that much weight and feel like crap, is def not worth it. It'll be hard but def move on.

[winter2005]

I apprecite the advice. But I am starting to feel concerned because I can't let him go. I feel unmotivated to do anything .. I started to smoke and drink on a daily basis I find myself sitting at the bar for hours talking to complete stratgers about what has happened to me and asking for advice all the time. I can't hang out with friends without mentioning him/ or repeating the story of what happned to me during the six mnths.

I wish sometimes I waitied longer for him to change his mind. I dont want him to loose his status or I do not want to harm him in any way possible. He said all I had to do was leave so that he could change his mind. I wish I would have left and came back before filing for divorce I feel i rushed into things.

I am so scared that I will not find love , that I will not find a man to love me and respect me. I feel all men out there will cheat on me and hurt me. This leaves me scared and lonely.

He tells me that I never listen to him he said leave and I did not.. and then he says come back and I didn't . He is also saying that if i dont cnacel the divorce hell never talk to me.

I am living each day with so much struggle and pain . I feel if I go back to him it will make me feel at ease and that then he would have learnt his lesson and take care of me. He pledged to me that he loved me and will never to anything like that ever agaun he says I know what not to do to make him angry .

I have been married to him for 3 years come april 10th. I dont knwo what I am goign to do on April 10th its my wedding annversary, I am so depressed .

I have known him in total for 6 years.

How can I make this easy on me?

I need to move on or I feel as if Ill do something stupid to myself to just rid the pain.

[winter2005]

Can anyone offer anymore help/advice to get over a 6 year relationship in which we were married for 2 1/2 years . I really need help understanding what has happened to me and why? I need to talk to someone about what he did and maybe they could give me an explanation? please help

[winter2005]

I must add too that even when i left I wanted to give him anohter chnace.

I used my credit card on the phone and I told him that i was going to come right back and he replied.. you know we were both unhappy and its to late now that you left ( although he was the one who recommended i leave!!)

and i was like ill be back 2morrow at 7 and he goes like i might be away with my friends for 4 days. that broke my heart....

but 3 days after that.. when i went back to my family and was like ok this is it. he wanted me back i dont know if he wanted me gone and wanted us to still stay married more his status?

Also He was not always like the way eh was during the six months maybe sometimes when he would be mad at me... but I just want to understand what went on in his head

Also

he told me during the 6 mtnhs

* I met a girl 4 mtnhs ago shes a good girl and i am going to marry her in a year

* Dont get mad if i see other people becuase i said i dont want you

* wanted his freedom

so does this imply he was seeing someone else/ or had the intentions

his explanation was he wanted to make me mad so that i wuld leave

i donot know really what was in his head...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Winter - I think you know exactly what to do. Re-read all the posts here. There are people here who care more about you than the man you've been married to.

 

Are you reading the replies at all??

 

I think you are already set on what your course of action will be. So do it. And when you get hurt again because you go back and he's with another woman, we will be here for you. When you take him back and your family again ailenates you, we will be here. That's the magic of e-not alone.

 

But you've got to take care of yourself too. There's only so much help people can offer someone who is unwilling to receive it.

[winter2005]

I still love him.

and i cant go back because my parents wont let me.. its a diff story and even if i wanted to i could not

i want to know why was I an idiot for leavingggggggggggggggg him

and not giving it enough time so that we would be able to reconcile

please help me

[Beyondthesea]

Winter, smarten up! You know that you did the right thing. You gave him plenty of time and chances to turn around but he never did.

 

Why would you want to go back to the constant abuse you were so desperate to get away from? Cheating, lying, physical, emotional and sexual abuse? Why would you want to go back?

 

I'm glad your parents won't let you go back. You'll be thanking them for that later.

 

What you need is to go to counseling pronto. You have been majorly brainwashed, and by allowing him to continue contacting you, you have made things worse and are prolonging your agony.

 

No contact, counseling, and get the support of your family. Tell them how you feel and start thinking straight.

[winter2005]

Thank you all for the support.

I think I am on my way to understanding why I left. Sometimes I wishes i went to a hotel for a week and waited for him to call me instead of going back to my family. Juts to give hima chnace to fix things.

I just need y'alls support I am scard i might end up back with him.

As you all know he was my first love in which i pursued him not him to me.

I feel alone without him I am just not use to life without him.

Here with my family my life is great i have a car a great job ( thanks to my dad) they will pay for my tution when i go to college anything i need they do provide me because they have the finacial ability to do so.

But i feel it is selfish in my part to choose i comfortable life over him. Also i am scared i might never love they way I loved him it so scary i want to be able to love again but its so hard.

Its hard to let go but i do love him.

I feel if I were less co-dependant on him he would have been more at ease with me.

its just that i was alone and lonely there.. and did nto make an effort to have friends because all i ever wanted to do was be a good wife and i worked to help out as well.

he will always be in my heart.. I just want to know how do i know if i really love him or not?

Will I ever feel better? My days are so long thinking of him i cry all the time its horrible

i cant enjoy anything all i do is reach out for help

his friend told me you shold have not made the desiocn when u were angry...

ur support is appreciated

[kadvati79]

Don't let him win. This is a fight! If you can't motivate yourself, try thinking of how good it will feel when everyone sees how *well* you are doing. And looking (or even pretending) to feel well - its just such a relief to not have to be so sad all the time.

 

Hell i am sad most of the time, but sometimes I just put on a brave face. For a start I did it to give my friends a break, then I did so my ex didn't pity me... but now I do it because even though sometimes I am pretending - its just so EXHAUSTING to be so sad and depressed!

 

Stop the things that hurt you more. Go to the gym. Force positivity and it will begin to flow through you.

 

Fight it. Picture those emotions inside you as foreign - they *aren't* you. You *aren't* hopeless. And if this is to be your end, to be this unhappy, at least stand up and fight it with every part you have! Maybe you just might win....

[Scout]

I personally think for years you felt grief-stricken at being alienated from your family and horribly guilty about it, too. And that's why I think you went back home to them, instead of going to a hotel. You needed them. And like you said, their arms were open to you when you came home.

[winter2005]

my husband was not always like the way he was it was only for the 6mnths.

maybe he was distant emotionally at times but he was not always like that

and he is still sending me emails and the normal him is back i must believe

i donot know how will i truly know

[Beyondthesea]

I'm not checking this post any longer because I get too frustrated.

 

You know that he hasn't changed, you know that he will continue to be abusive.

 

If you want to go back so badly, just do it. You are going to be so very very sorry, and your family will disown you once again. He will abuse you and use you, and you'll be angry and live a life of emotional pain and turmoil.

 

Someone who has changed has done things to change themselves. Gone to counseling for example, and he certainly hasn't. No one changes overnight. He is who he is, and you will just have to deal with loving a man who beats you emotionally & physically, and who cheats on you and hates you and calls you down to the lowest every day.

 

Good luck.

[ann123]

Can I ask you a question? Deep down do you know what the right thing to do is?

 

If so, do you find that it is too hard to do what is right?

 

Another question: Under what circumstances would you treat him the way he treats/treated you? If you treated him that way, what would it say about your RESPECT for him, as well as about your love for him?

[ann123]

p.s. that horrible burning pain - time heals it, but it is torture meanwhile, I know.

[winter2005]

Deep down, I know I love him but He does not appreciate me. Okay maybe he cares but after what he put me through for six mnths... I got scared and I thought all my sacrafice was not worth it not for a guy like him. If i ever treated him the way he treated me.... he would never talk to me againnnnnn

He said because u were nice to me during the 6 mtnhs thats what made me fall back in love with you... if not then i would have never felt....it eve again.

I would never treat him bad for 6 mtnhs......

he lies a lot.... it seems -- thats scares me

So I decide to call him at 1 am friday his time. To see where he is i called 3 times and no answer the fourth he answers. I go like where are you and he said in bed sleeping. I go oh okay hows everything hes like ok.. and then i say can you do me a small favour and hes like what i say can you flush the toilet for me so that i know ur home its a trust thing. we need to rebuild it. and he says no i wont do it u should trust me. so then i hear a beep beep beep and thats a feature in his car that goes off when the seatbelt is not on... ** thank you god** and i say so ur in ur car and he goes like yeah i say i would u lie to me? you cold have just told me where u were he says i was playing footbal with my friends and i was on my way home.... and hes like u never ask permission before u go out anyways he said if u still consider urself my wife u should,,,, and i was like at least when u cal i honestly tell you where i am unstead of lying...

why would he do that to me?

Hes excuse was i did not want you to worry where i was..... and get jealous i was playing soccer with friends on the xbox...

.......

[Scout]

Winter, you're wising up girl. I know it's not easy for you, but it appears to me you're starting to weigh this whole relationship more objectively than you ever have before.

[shebop]

slowly but surely you are figuring out that he's not going to change..... we all hope for your sake that you realize that the amount of pain you are going through right now (being apart) is nothing compared to how low and awful you would feel after being back with this man for 2 weeks..

 

good luck to you..

[winter2005]

Can you all let me know if this is a valid reason for what he did to me

Basically he is arab/muslim and originally so am I. And he thinks in a very conservatie way ( but in the same time goes out with single friends while married?).

He says that the phone calls to my highschool friend was a big no-no. He thought my intentions were bad and that made him angry. He distant himself and i kept nagging for him to change his mind. All he wanted was space and he said that I was not able to give him time to think if he wanted me or not.

He felt as if I was controlling the situation and that if he lets me do that then I would think that I could do anything to him.

He regrets all the bad things he didi and feels like i "robbed" him of a second chance to make it up to me by going back to my parents who willll dooo anything and everything in thier power NOT to make me go back... and in the middle east they have every right to do so. They think there is a better guy out there for me.

He has a good heart I know it but his PRIDE gets in the way!!!!!!!!!

He also mentioned is this divorce goes through ill be a divorced woman no one would want to be with me.

He says I will never marry a divorced woman... or even a woman who had or has had a boyfriend?

So do you think he had every right to be mad at me for the phone call ...?

Also knowing this do you think a second chance will be a healthy one?

 

[newbie30]

Winter,

 

PLEASE take the advice of the previous posters. I know it's hard, and your feelings keep going back and forth, and that's okay. That's natural. That DOES NOT mean you should go back to him. He is using anything he can to get you back for his own reasons, not because he loves you. You gave him 100 'second chances' when you were with him and he treated you horribly.

 

You say he has a good heart? Why? YOU have a good heart, and would not treat him the way he treated you. Do you compare his heart to yours? They are nothing alike! You WILL find someone better for you. Listen to your parents, they have been around alot longer than you, and are looking out for YOU. This guy is only looking out for himself.

 

Please go back and read the excellent advice from everyone. These are all people who have been through similar pain. You will get through this without him.

 

NO SECOND CHANCES. He will treat you even worse than before once he gets that green card. What will he need you for then? He will divorce you and move on. And you'll be back to square one.

[muskjpsb]

This is same happened to me in 2 years i gave to many chances to my wife to change, i changed myself i change my attitudes, my nature. im from another country and i came in usa for her, but i always afriad with her cus in past 2 year relationship she did millions of mistake but as my first true love i loved her to my death but she never know the value of it, i always try to make smooth and easy going communication with her but she always pushed me away.

She always blamed me to push her into marriage, my parents also never liked her, so my alot of female friends, they all awared me but *love made me blind* my wife asked to rid off all my friends, and parents to prove my love, and i sold my car, bike, home, computer, shares and so much more just to moved in usa with her. I always been there whenever she was sad and alone i always supported her but she was never been there for me. few days ago i was lil down and we was on the way of atlanticcity, so i tell my wife that its remind me my place, and i missing it, then she start blaming me for nothing, she said im not happy here with her and i need to move back, which really hurt me. and now situation is this im the one depress and alone and noone is there to stand by my side.

So my experience say that you will be better off alone without him, and another thing is Always listen to your mind and be smart and listen to your heart and be happy. but you can never find your happiness with that person who treat you like crap. you already gave him alot of chances but he never cared so now its time for you to forget past and start new. so im also going to do same, i need fresh and good healthy family not any drama of every night.

[ballerina]

winter2005,

I know what you mean when you say you love him.

You said he is a Muslim, well the Profit said that if you are asked for forgivenss you are supposed to give it and there is a story about that.

You had a friend but you gave him your password, so you were honest.

Are you both able to stop blaming each other for the past and start from now?

For now, is there any way for him to show you that he is honest? Can he show you all his phone bills and all his e-mails? Is he willing to uncover ALL his cards as you uncovered yours? I am not saying you find out, he needs to show you.

Don't be fooled, make sure that the phone bills are the correct ones. Also how does he treat you right now? Who are his friends? Does he respect you? Is he willing to give you what you want right now? If the answer is yes, you still need to think again. But all this might help you get closer to your decision.

[sonjam]

This guy is abusing you emotionally Winter.

 

I know you feel like you love him, and that you would feel like a failure if things did not work out, but let me tell you, he's not worth fighting over.

 

This guy will never change, he's an abuser, he lies, manipulates, and probably cheats too.

 

He knows exactly what will push your buttons to get you to come back, so you can be his floor wipe again. It's obviously no fun having to look after himself and he needs his maid back. PLease dont go back there, you deserve better. YOU NEED your family, and a chance at love.

 

I think deep down you know this, but you feel confused by his newly launched plight to win you back. It is just a sly ploy. It will never last. Nobody can treat the person they love badly for 6 months, then decide they love them, and change, just like that. he's definitely not being truthfull to you.

[winter2005]

I understand that maybe I upset him thats why he treated me this way. But I really tried to compromise and fix things. He just refused over and over again.

I am really depressed right now because of this whole ordeal. He is fighting the divorce in court saying its my parents who are not making it possible for me to come back. I am so so scared I will not find love again ( marriage material love) if you know what I mean. I have met someone else but then again I have mixed feelings towards him his is a very nice guy he has great moral,respect etc But the problem is that I say to myself he is just like that in the beginning and then hell chnage and become like my ex. I am trying so hard not to be bitter I dunno i AM SO CONFUSED ....i would rather die than have to deal with this!!!!

[Scout]

I understand that maybe I upset him thats why he treated me this way. But I really tried to compromise and fix things. He just refused over and over again.

 

Well, this can be broken down into a very simple statement: he expects you to live by a certain set of rules, while he gets to live by another. No relationship can be happy or healthy with that kind of attitude in place.

 

Hang in there. It gets a LOT better, and you're already on the road to healing. Thank God for your parents. They really do love you, you know? Your ex tried to separate you from them because he knew this. Keeping you separated from your family was another way of keeping you under his thumb.