she says she loves me, how can I get her back?

[daregveda]

I don't know why, but I've just been effing frustrated all day. Even more so after getting off the phone with her. I called her when I got home from work tonight about setting up a visit with the kids. She answered and I said hey and asked what she was doing. She said she was on the computer and asked why. I told her that I had just gotten my schedule, and she asked what days I had off. I asked her if she could drop the girls off at my school on wednesday on her way to work. She said "why don't I just drop them off at your house?"

 

At my house. I told her that would be fine, thanked her and said goodnight. Ron, I'm really not seeing any positive signs right now man. Now it's no longer "the house"...it's "my house". Six weeks may not seem like long compared to 13 years, but everything she's done in that six weeks has pulled her and the girls farther away from me. She's making it pretty clear that she's only in my life at all because of our children. It seems like 13 years is not a reason to try to work things out, it seems more like 13 years was long enough for her.

 

I've made more money in the past six days than on two paychecks at my former job...and I'm miserable as hell. I haven't seen my daughters in 10 days. The woman I love no longers considers this her home. I'll be seeing her wednesday night when she picks up the girls and I already know it's going to be the worst night I have all week.

 

Everything I'm doing is for myself, but so is wanting her to come home. Without them I am in so much pain and nothing I'm doing is helping me feel better or bringing her around.

[NJRon]

Yeah, I can understand why you are frustrated. I guess I am approaching it more from the fact that you are just jumping the gun on trying to go out. Jealousy is not a reason to go out. You should be more comfortable with just yourself. Don't focus on getting her back or being with anyone at all. I know that now you have work and school. Is there any hobby you can start to pursue? This is all for you and has nothing to do with anyone else.

[confusedashell]

Agreed! Don't do anything that you'll later regret! Things are going very well despite it not being so apparent. My wife acted the very same, the coldness and the distance, for months! She hasnt moved on, so dont do it either yet. If you go out with some woman now it will set you back 20 paces and it'll all be in vein because I doubt very much that any new female would last longer than a couple of months right now.

 

Its obvious you're gf is really confused now. Shes reaching out and then pulling back. You must be doing something right. Yes its fustrating not to see any real results, but they are there. Let her alone for now. Dont force anything. Keep on bettering yourself like you're doing. The time will come when you both do sit down and talk about your relationship, it will. You cant go 13 years with someone and never talk about it again. Next time she comes to get the girls, ask her if she wants a coffee or something. Be very postive and upbeat (but not insanely happy ) and the topic might come up. Dont mention other men or women.

 

Looks to me like things are moving the way you want them too!

[daregveda]

I know you're both right...I don't need to be spending money or time with another girl. But I honestly don't see her reaching out to me...at all. The fact that she calls it "my house" now sort of proves to me that she's not coming home. She said it as naturally as if she was referring to my shoes.

 

I think tonight I'm going to finish bagging up her personal effects so she can pick them up on wednesday. It looks more and more like I need to accept things as they are. Telling her I would wait for her, that she could come back to me anytime she's ready was a mistake.

[becallamjr]

Not true dare, not true at all. Your ex is in a very touchy sensitive place right now. Remember, you even said it yourself, you said things to her that you would never say. That had to hurt her deeply. You know it and we all know it. Don't despair, you are making progress, I know it is hard to see right now, but you truly are. The only reason it's "your house" is because she is distancing herself from you. Accept it. It's a * * * * *, but try hard to stay positive. Get a hobby. Keep up the hard work and you will get results. It's been six weeks, show her you can stabalize yourself for 6 months. I'm sure she still wants to be with you, but you have to prove to her that you can take care of yourself and your kids without her. The only way your gonna do that is just that, do it! Actions speak louder than words. We are here for you man, anytime. What else is going on?

[daregveda]

I would love to have a hobby, but I have no time for it. If I'm not at school or work, I'm either studying or getting some needed rest. Every once in a while I talk to my friend, who is basically telling me the same thing you guys are. But he thinks perhaps she is waiting on me to take the first steps towards seeing each other, and I know that's not the case. When I asked her about the circus, she seemed reluctant and that's over a month away. I told her the night I bared my soul to her that I would give her time, and that's what I'm doing.

 

My actions do in fact speak louder than words, but she's not around to see them. She doesn't know that I've secured over half the rent in a week, she doesn't know that I've gotten an A on every assignment I've turned in to class. I know not to tell her these things, because she'll see it as me trying to prove something to her. All she knows is that I miss my kids and that I'm waiting on her like some kind of fool. Waiting for something she told me isn't going to happen no matter what I do.

[becallamjr]

Man you are looking at it all wrong. She doesn't need to see that you have secured half your rent in a week. She doesn't need to see your grades. She sees that you are keeping your house and making ends meet. She sees you are going to school and when you get your diploma, she will see that you did in fact bust your * * *. She does know that you miss your kids, and she does know you still want her. Again, actions speak louder than words. The end results are what count though. Try to get away from that negativity. Here is a hobby that you may be able to get into your hectic schedule, writing a journal. It's a healthy way to express your emotions, besides coming on this site. Plus, if you two get back together someday, you may share this with her or you might just continue to write in it.

[daregveda]

Lol, I guess this thread is my journal. And honestly man, I'm not going to wait until I get my degree for her to come back to me. I'm not even going to wait the year she initially proposed. Nothing so far has worked out the way she had said she wanted them to be when she left. She said I would see the girls whenever I wanted. It's been 11 days since the last time I saw them. I'm angry at myself for letting things come to this, but I'm angry at her for not letting me even try to make things right. The things I said to her may have hurt her, and I do regret them. But the sh1t I've gone thru since then is about a thousand times worse than anything anyone has ever said. My kids are now nothing but voices on the phone, someone who's not related to them in name or blood makes more decisions for them than I do. Ask me the name of my little one's new baby-sitter or where she lives? Hell if I know.

 

And then expecting me to wait around for a year for her to her alone to make a decision that involves 4 individual lives? I don't think so. By the time I have my degree, I will not only be over her, I will be challenging her for custody of my children.

[NJRon]

Well, let's not think a year ahead yet... why don't you think over the fact that you will be able to start paying your bills and she's sure to notice you not asking her for money. Give that some time first. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with letting her know that you don't feel as if you are spending enough time with the kids. Just be sure not to over commit yourself, you're doing well balancing everything so far. The last thing you need is drama... which is what you'll be looking at if you start going making too many waves. Nothing but drama.

[becallamjr]

Wow! I'm quite surprised, but I don't think this is how you really feel. It seems you are just angry. I think you would wait forever. We only go around in this life once, so we need to do the things that are gonna make us the happiest. Being angry is a good way to get over someone, only if you truly want to get over them. Maybe you should talk to her, tell her the truth, tell her how you feel. Let her know that you are gonna keep the house and you are getting your degree no matter what. Just be truthful and see where it goes. You obviously stirred something inside of her when you barred your soul to her, so maybe you should relight that flame instead of letting it die. Get her emotions going.

[daregveda]

She already knows I'm keeping the house. I told her I can afford to live here now, and she even knows I'd move wherever she wanted to if she made it a condition. I've told her I'm sticking with school, not to prove anything to her, but for the simple fact that I didn't fill out a sh1tload of grant, loan and scholarship apps just to drop out. I've made too much money on this new job to quit and the only way I could get fired is to serve alchohol to a minor or assult a guest.

 

I guess you're right in that I will always want her back. But I'm not waiting forever. I'm 31 years old, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I've been truthful to a fault with her already, I don't want to put any pressure on her.

 

I actually called her awhile ago, and told her I was just bored and wanted to see what she was doing. She said she had to finish up her pill counts and she would call me back. Given her recent track record, I'm not really expecting to hear from her. If she does call, I have no clue what I'm going to say, but I'm not going to let on how I've been feeling these past few days.

[daregveda]

Nope...didn't call back. I'm not mad at her tho, I set myself up for that one.

 

If she can't even have a short, casual conversation with me over the phone, I think it's safe to say any further effort is a waste of time. I'm sure she'll have some kind of excuse, but I'm no longer interested in hearing her excuses. I get it. Be in my children's lives and not in hers. Done.

[daregveda]

I woke up on the verge of tears today. My daughter called me to say good morning and I lost it. Now she's crying too.

 

I can't keep doing this. I need help, a therapist or something. Some way to help me get over her.

[NJRon]

I think some therapy would be a very good idea. I don't know what your school offers, but that might be something to look into.

[becallamjr]

Therapy may be the answer, I know most colleges have a clinic and offer discounts/free service to students. I'm not a professional dare not by far, but I believe the source is her and until you get some closure from her, your gonna be stuck in this state. Feel better and try to stay positive.

[daregveda]

I'm on my lunch break at school right now, I can't eat because I'm depressed and excited to see my girls later.

 

The last time I sought some kind of closure from her was the night she told me to just move on. I guess that alone was some closure, and I can't go on like this any more. I can't pay attention in class, my mood is sh1t and the only time I feel even a little bit better is when I'm at work. I thought I saw some hope last week, but that just made things harder this week. The fact that she can't even talk to me for a few minutes on the phone and she no longer considers our home as hers has undone any progress I thought we were making.

 

I guess I'll see her tonight and I'm not looking forward to it at all...her only purpose will be to take my children away from me until who knows when.

[becallamjr]

Have you ever thought about the fact that she might be feeling the same way as you?

[daregveda]

Last week, I thought she might. But this week, she's made it very clear to me that there's no place for me in her life and no reason to keep trying.

[daregveda]

Lat night after waiting for her to return my call, I began to write a letter. I'm not sure if I'm going to give it to her yet, but here it is, let me know what you think.

 

I just wanted to start off by saying that I meant what I said last week. I'm sorry that I let things get this way before trying to make them better. I've always loved you and I regret the way I hurt you; not because you left but because you had faith in me and I let you down.

 

I will always love you and I will always miss you. I don't ever want you to think that now that I can take care of myself, I feel any differently about you. And even though I would like nothing more than to have you come home and let me take care of you and the girls, for my own well-being, I have to accept things as they are and start moving on with my life. I'm 31 years old and I don't want to spend what little time I have on this earth waiting for something you've already told me isn't going to happen. It means so much to me to be in school and to finally have a job where I can have fun and make money, But coming home to an empty house has become the worst part of my day.

 

Part of me will always be waiting for you, but I'm not going to allow that part to make any decisions. I never thought I could go on without you, but lately I've been doing a lot of things I never thought I could do. I would rather learn to love someone else than spend the rest of my life alone, waitint for the one I already love.

 

Please don't think I'm just giving up because I don't love you or need you to take care of me. It's just that in the past six weeks, I have had less and less contact with you and the girls. In six months, you will probably be out of my life altogether. I told you last week that I would wait for you, but I'm starting to understand that you only want me in the girls' life and not your own. As bad as I messed things up, I feel the least I can do is walk away and give you what you want.

 

I'm sorry I didn't accept all of this sooner. I tried too hard, I put too much pressure on you and pushed you away for good. Not only did I let myself down, I also let down my daughters. Because of my actions, both before and after you left, they only have a daddy for a few hours a week.

 

I want you to know that I will always be here for you and the girls, no matter what. And as soon as I finish school, I would like to discuss some sort of joint custody arrangement so the girls can live with me part-time. I will keep this house and they will always feel at home here.

 

Thank you for giving me my babies and thank you for the best years of my life. You will always be a part of me and one day I will be happy in a new relationship because of everything I've learned from being with you. I am a much stronger man than I was when you left and I owe it all to you.

 

Gregory

[NJRon]

I'm telling you, if you send something like that, or even say some of it in person, you are going to seem like you're going all over the place. You say that you will always love her and just last week you said you would wait for her... and now you're ready to bolt. I understand totally the mood swings, the highs and lows, etc. If you need to give yourself closure to move on for the time being, then do so. But don't think that just because 6 weeks pass and you haven't had an opportunity to go out, that you are going to be alone forever.

 

Based upon being in a very similar situation as yours, I can honestly say that you are starting to act exactly like I started to act... and it made things worse. I am only advising you against this because I know it will only make things worse.

[redhook]

NJ is right. Don't send that yet. You need to let some more time pass man. 6wks is a really really short period of time in the scheme of things. Respect her and let her have her space and just leave it be for now. In a few short months you will be thinking much clearer and probably feel different then you do now. I went through the same crap with my ex wife and boy o boy am I glad I didn't get her to cave. My life would have been hell! Anyways I pushed and pushed until it pushed her away and into the arms of another man while we were still married. Now I am in a sitation again and I am going to leave her be and hopefully once my son is born she will find it in her heart to give me a second chance. It really stinks that so many women are willing to give up at the drop of a hat but 13yrs is a long time and I am not sure what you put her thorough but some ppl can only handle so much. Keep doing what you are doing and maybe after time she will believe you have changed and may be more willing to look at things again. Hope this helps.

[daregveda]

Thank you Ron, you are a true friend. I guess I'm just weak right now, but the sound of my daughters arguing and jumping upstairs is making me feel better. I guess I just thought that if she finally saw me walk away, she would get the urge to chase me. I know she's not ready to come home, but I just want some sort of sign from her that she still considers me more than a part-time father. In all honesty, I am starting to want to go out. I leave work at night with money in my pocket and no particular reason to go home, besides having a private place to grieve.

 

I guess everything I've done is too little too late and it's time to accept that it's for the best even without her. If she were waiting to see if I was going to stick to my guns and be a better man, I don't see why she wouldn't just tell me so. Being over her and having her come back is better than never getting over her or being with her again, so I have to find a way to get through without her.

 

I won't give her that letter, I trust your judgement more than I trust my own at this moment. I have the rest of her CDs and books and things packed up for her, I'm going to give them to her tonight. Now that I'll be able to look around the house without being reminded of her, maybe things will be easier.

[daregveda]

Thank you redhook, and I'm sorry for the way things are for you right now. I guess I don't understand yet why you're glad she didn't cave, but as Ron pointed out before, it's better if she comes back if she wants to, not because of guilt or jealousy. I guess my frustration stems from the fact that she doesn't want to come back.

[NJRon]

It sucks when things are out of your control. In 3 to 6 months you will be thinking so much more clearly and will be able to make a decision based upon what's right for you, and not be led around by your emotions so much. That's why, in the meantime, it's important to not get involved with anyone else at all. It's really not very much time. There's no reason why you can't go out on your own though... why don't you focus on getting some guy friends to hang out with... it'll help more in the long run.

[redhook]

Yeah I agree totally on the frustration part man. You are right on key there. It is because in our minds logically it makes sense to not give up. Problem is men and women are different. Stay strong man you are still young to so you've got that going for you. If my ex wife would have caved I would still be miserable and suffering her constant verbal and physical abuses. Even after the divorce over a year ago separated for over two she still calls me names. Not a person you would want to be with. The best thing about that deal was getting the most wonderful beautiful little girl out to the deal. I have her almost half of the time and that to me is the most important thing for me. Time with the children is priceless and I spend every second I can with her. The new girl I am with now is the one I am having problems with. I was suffering from abuse from my ex wife, business stresses, adjusting to life blending a family and the stress of another child on the way got in the way of where I should be headed in my life. Anyway enough about me. Stay strong man!