she says she loves me, how can I get her back?

[daregveda]

I suppose you're right. Being out of the house everyday for school and job chasing, and then reading your posts with their consistant clarity, I'm starting to feel like being in it for the long haul is better than the way things were before. There's always the chance that we can work things out, and if I was making her unhappy, she did the right thing in leaving. And as brutal as she's been lately with her comments, she has not once said things were over between us. I've been giving her time to think, even at the expense of seeing my kids when time allows...like right this second. She told me she was off today, but as much as I'd like to at least talk to my girls on the phone, I'm not going to call.

 

I had what felt like a good interview today after work. I've never even considered working in a resteraunt before, so I applied for a bus/dish position because those were the only things I felt capable of doing. The dining floor manager told me that after talking with me, she felt like I would be a good waitstaff consideration, given my customer service background and overall demeanor. And then she told me that the kids that wait table earn $120 some nights, and I told her that yeah, that felt like something I could learn to do. She was sympathetic with the fact that I'm adult full-time student and said my availability was fine.

 

If I get this job, I'm not even going to call her and tell her. I want to be working for a while before she even finds out and I want to have some money put away for wedding bands before I even ask about us. I'll be in school for a while by then, and she will see how much contact I've maintained with my girls. Sure, I'll break down a few million times by then and start thinking of excuses to call her, but this is the most hope I've felt since she walked out the door.

[NJRon]

Hey! Congratulations on the interview! Waiting tables is much better than bussing.. I'll tell you that I'm glad that the manager was sympathetic, that's a good sign.

 

Yeah, keeping contact with your children is important. I'm sure they could use the reassurance. Don't let what's going on between you and your SO get in the way of communicating with your kids. Just ask to talk to them (no need to have a whole conversation with your SO) and then end the conversation with them, don't get back on the phone with your SO unless she asks to speak to you. Of course, this is only if you can keep the conversation light and upbeat

[becallamjr]

That's Great!!!

 

Keep it up. There is nothing to waiting table's it is pretty easy. Great way to pay for school. Keep in contact with your kid's, that is very important. As for her, as little contact as possible for now. If your not updating her on whats going on with you and the fact that she most likely still wants you, what is happening in your life will spark her interest. Your on the right track.

[confusedashell]

sounds like you're on the right track there mate. Keep it up! the other poster is right though: its been only a few weeks and you probably wont see any changes for a few months (it took me and my wife three months of what you're going through now before we started to talk about "us" again). Get moving on your own life. Utilise your time that you have by working something more, studying, going to a gym or whatever you want. Just show her you're a strong husband/father. Spend as much time as you can with your children. Man, I feel bad for you because of them..thats gotta be rough.

 

Shes playing tough now. trust me, shes just as messed up about this as you are. So my advice: when you see her/talk to her be HAPPY and POSTIVE. Dont even bring the relationship up until she does (and she will!). Be happy! Thats the best thing you can do. Maybe every now and then send her some flowers, a card or whatever. show her you still care without putting pressure on her. Dont call her to ask if she got the gifts. Just let her call.

 

I think this will work out man

[daregveda]

I feel you're right, and in time, things come around for us...and for the better. I'm still a little worried, and I still miss seeing her and my daughters, but if worse comes to worse and we can't work things out...it's not the end of the world. I've yet to hear about the waiting job, but I've put out many apps in the past few days, and just found out that I got the highest score on a scholarship test I took just yesterday and I'm getting $2000 for it. 13 years was a good run, and if things never work out, I became a better man for it nonetheless.

[becallamjr]

That's just the attitude to have in this situation. Congrats!!!! on the scholarship. Have you called the place that was gonna give you the server job? If they said they would contact you, contact them. I'm sure you know this already, but gotta say it anyway. So what are you gonna major in?

[daregveda]

I'm going to be studying Computer Information Technologies. It's a 2-year associates degree, but if I stay in day classes, I will graduate in a little over 16 months. I was actually going to stop by the restaraunt today after work, better chance of the dining room manager recognizing me that way.

 

Today is my last day at my current job. I want it to be a good day, but I'm feeling a little low. I'm not sure if I dreamt about the breakup last night or not, all I know is that I woke up this morning with her voice in my head telling me she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn't want to be together. It's been six days since I've called her or tried to talk about us, and she's called me 3 times since then...but only about the kids. It's almost like she's doing it because she knows it hurts me to talk to her. My daughter misses her daddy and her bedroom and her school, but all I can say to her is "daddy's trying as hard as he can" And I don't even know WHAT the hell to do on Valentine's Day. In thirteen years, I haven't spent one alone, and I'm really not expecting to see or hear from her this year.

 

I'll see her tomorrow when she drops off the girls, but I'm certain she will rush in and out to avoid talking to me. I know that she needs her time and space and all that, but I feel like she could at least stay for a cup of coffee, or talk for a minute or e-mail me or something. If she really does love me, shouldn't she be a little more worried that I'm going to get discouraged by her actions and decide to move on? I mean, I'm not exactly out bird-dogging for chicks at night, but at the same time, if I meet a nice young lady who wants to go out for drinks on V Day, I think I might enjoy the company.

[NJRon]

I'm telling you, I think she's watching you and is trying not to influence your decisions. But, that's just my perspective on it. In this early part, things are going to be really weird. Both of you are going to be having a lot of conflicting emotions and they will be on right after the other and be very confusing. Just don't make any rash decisions and ride out this time.

 

And just a piece of advice, don't entertain the thought of going out with someone else right now. It's way to easy to do something you will regret later. Wait until your head clears. The last thing you want to do right now is anything that will allow guilt or regret to creep in and mess with your growing self-esteem.

 

As for Valentines day, that's a tough one. It might be nice to get her something little (i.e. something not mushy) as a token. Tough call though...

[daregveda]

I suppose it's possible that she's waiting to see what I'm doing, but it just doesn't sound like her. I haven't been updating her on my efforts and she hasn't been asking, so it doesn't really seem like she's looking for any milestone here. All she wants to know when she calls is when she can drop off the girls...and conversation over. You're right of course about conflicting emotions (just two days ago I felt great about us) but she seems just as cold as she did the night she left. I know it's only been two weeks, but she's no closer to showing me any sign of hope than when she told me she didn't love me anymore. If anything, things look a little bleaker for us, in spite of all my best efforts.

[NJRon]

Just realize that she is in a very similar boat as you. I know me syaing it doesn't help much, but just try and relax a little. Things don't just flip back to "the way things were". She is acting cold to protect her feelings. If I were in her shoes, I would be feeling very conflicted right now and, the only way to not do something I would regret, would be to put distance in there. I wouldn't want to give you hope either, because I wouldn't want your goal to be getting back together with me. Your goal should be to get yourself where you want to be.

 

I really feel for you. It's easy for me to sit on the sidelines and give you my take, much different to actually be in it. You're doing fine, you're doing all the right things, just try to keep in mind the right reason for doing them.

[confusedashell]

I agree with NJRon..just relax and this will most likely work out the way you want it. My wife was acting excatly the same way as yours is now. A girl I knew wanted me to go out with her after a few weeks of thr break up. I almost did. But had I dont it, we would never have gotten back together. I know that now. Just hang on in there. Dont update her on your situation at all! Dont talk to her about how you feel and dont tell her whats going on in your life. Also dont ask her either. Turn the tables on her. Right now she is in control, you need to rebalance everything. Its not being cold and mean, its just ding whats best for you. Someone on here gave me a real good piece of advice when I was going through my breakup: "Assume the relationship is over". Thats the best thing to do. Only when I started to actually say to myself "its done", did things start moving with "us" again. Thats what you need to do. I know its not easy but its the best thing.

 

Trust me, she WILL bring up the relationship. She WILL want to talk about. It just takes time. Dont put any pressure on her.

 

Valentines is a tough one. But maybe send something to her, like a small card with just "thinking of you" in it. Nothing big. But you will at least have sent it. And SEND it. Best not to guve it to her as she might just twist it into you putting pressure on her.

 

Im sure this will work out man. Its so similar to my own situation. Was like looking into a mirror when I read your posts.

[daregveda]

Got home today and there's a covered plate on my couch with a note in her handwriting that reads "baked spaghetti for you. will pay all bills tomorrow." Also noticed she took her jewlery box, which had really nothing in it. Don't really know what to think of that, or whether or not to call and thank her for the food.

[NJRon]

Don't call her to thank her, but definitely mention it the next time you speak to her. That was really nice of her. I seriously think you are on the right path here.

[daregveda]

ahh...called her. Had to anyway, I needed to know what time she's bringing the girls and noones answering the phone where they are. Thanked her for the food, she said I was welcome, she would bring the girls as early as she could tomorrow and good bye. Made me grind my teeth a little, to tell you the truth.

 

Anyway, I don't think I'm getting the job I was so excited about. I went in today and the woman that interviewed me monday just referred me to the kitchen manager, who wasn't there today. It was also my last day at the job I've had for four years, so all and all...it was a suck day for me.

[NJRon]

Ah well.. no harm done on the call since it was also mixed with business. Just didn't want you calling and then expecting more from it. Never a good idea to call with just a "thank you" because then you have a lot of uncomfortable silences

 

Sorry to hear about the runaround with the job. It's a shame you have the girls on Friday and not during the weekend. It would be good to get out there and get more resumes out. Don't get too blah over the weekend. Make sure you get on here and post if you start feeling down, and enjoy the day with your kids

[daregveda]

I'm still going to run down and talk to the kitchen manager tomorrow, noone else has called yet, and my oldest daughter is a good babysitter. I'll have them for most of the weekend and I always feel a little better when they're tearing up the house. expect to see a few more posts though, because I'll be seeing her when she drops them off and picks them up, and that's twice my heart is going to be kicked in the balls this weekend.

[daregveda]

this is stupid, but I'm trying to pick out something to wear for when she comes tomorrow..it's between the old familiar video game t-shirt/camo shorts combo or the dressier button-down shirt/casual pants that I've been interviewing in.

[NJRon]

Wear the button down shirt with the casual pants, but wear the shirt untucked

[daregveda]

good call. going with that one.

[becallamjr]

Man I've missed a lot, NJ thanks for everything your the best. Dare, Nj really does know his stuff, he has sound advice. Sorry to hear about the job, good major by the way. As for the food, I think she left that there for you, as a sign that she really does still care about you. She wants to make sure your still eating good, so that's a good sign is it not? V-day, ohh that dreaded word, I hate that day. Single or not I hate that day. If you wanna get her something, as a token that you care it should be okay. Now as for another woman, I agree with NJ to an extent, if you wanna have a cup of coffee with someone on v-day to get you threw it, I'm sure it is not a problem as long as that person knows that it is nothing more than a cup of coffee. Leave it at that. Maybe some reassurance when you see her may be good for both of you. Just ask her to chat real quick, but is she says no, don't push. If she says yes, give her an update, but don't go into detail. Let her know that you are actively looking for employment, tell her you are really excited about school and you are doing things for yourself right now. She knows you still care and she knows you love her, so no need to tell her, unless she says it first. Tell her that she has all the time in the world that she needs to think and you won't be contacting her unless it's about the kids. With that you may get a thank you. That reassurance may make things a little easier. I know I said leave her in the dark, but since you are having such a terrible time, this may be a positive solution. That is my thoughts. Good Luck. We are here for you.

[daregveda]

Sitting here waiting to see or hear from them and a feeling little calmer. House looks and smells good, as do I Not really going to say anything about us, just going going to smile at her and thanks her for bringing the girls down. If she wants to stay for coffee, she probably knows she's welcome to. I got a little bummed out going to sleep last night, she had taken a few more of her things when she came yesterday...but perhaps she's just feeling a little more homesick.

 

I'm going to talk to financial aid monday after orientation to see if I can use some of that scholarship money to pay my rent and bills while I'm still hunting for a job. I've been starting to feel a little chased, and I don't like the thought of her paying my bills while trying to show her I can get things done without her.

[NJRon]

Yeah, that's a tough situation. You seem to be doing pretty well though. You might look into a student loan if you can. The interest rates are very low, you can use the money for whatever and the repayment period usually doesn't start until 6 months after you graduate... even then you can apply for extensions (I had to because it took me 9 months after college to find a job).

 

Anyway, just a thought.

[daregveda]

Girls are here for a couple of hours now. The little one is sleeping and the oldest is playing video games. She didn't even get out of the car this time; I don't know why I'm surprised by that. Ran to the mall to get my paycheck and check on the job status (inconclusive, not looking good tho) and guess who I ran into? She was there with her neice, they had got coffee and manicures. Talked to her for a second and she gave me two cell phones for me and my daughter and said that she had set up a wireless plan for the three of us. Confused now as to whether this is a step forward or back for us.

 

I thanked her for taking care of the bills and told her I was going to see about using my scholarship award towards living expenses so that she wouldn't have to pay any more of my bills while I'm looking for work. Didn't really get much of a response from her about that. I was dressed up in a button-down that she has said brings out my eyes and dress pants, she seemed to notice and asked where I was off to. I told her I was checking on a job and that the girls were fine, that I was going right back home afterward. She told me to call her if I needed anything and walked away. Seeing for the first time in days, looking so small and cute, it almost physically hurt me not to tell her that I loved her, or to hear it from her as she left.

[NJRon]

Believe me, if she set up a wireless plan for you, then it is a good thing. I read it like she is letting you know that you are still a family, even though you are not physically together. It's a token of a tie that binds.

 

You did great. like I said, I hope things work out on the job and scholarship front, but look into loans. Sallie-Mae has some good options.

[daregveda]

Lol, you're amazing man...just filled out a sally mae unmet needs scholarship app yesterday. I'm trying not to read too much into the phone thing, as she knows that me getting a hold of my daughter has been kind of a hassle. She gave me her number, and as I said, told me to call her if I needed anything, but said nothing about calling me. She also asked if I wanted the girls tomorrow too, because she had to work, so I guess she'll just be swinging by to scoop up the girls after work.

 

man, this is tearing me up. All the confidence I had just a few days ago is being replaced by the feeling that our relationship is no longer a priority of hers. Sure, she wants to make sure that I ate something, or that I have running water or can get a hold of my daughter...but none of that means she wants to see me or be with me. It's totally outside her character to play hard to get; we slept together the first time we went out and moved in together a little over a week later. When we've had problems in the past, I've always been able to approach her and start a dialoge, working things out. But now, she just keeps pushing me away, even when I'm not on the approach.

 

She has always considered being together to be the most important thing. She was a firm believer in not going to sleep angry or hurt with one another.

Now there's no communication, except that which concerns me visiting the children. Every day, I check to see if she's e-mailed me or texted me or anything to show she still cares and wants me to hold on, but still nothing. I KNEW seeing her would be tough today...