she says she loves me, how can I get her back?

[daregveda]

Yeah, when her aunt took the phone from my daughter and cursed me out, she threw the phone down before I could say anything to her. So I called her voicemail and told her that she had no business talking to me or my daughter like that, she wasn't even related to us and that things were hard enough without her meddling. Called and told my ex the same thing, too. Again, she took the opprotunity to turn me into the bad guy and started defending her aunt and acted like all the drama was the fault of both me and my daughter.

 

There's no doubt in my mind that her aunt is contributing to her decision to end things with me. In the three weeks she has lived with her, things keep getting uglier between us in spite of my best efforts, in spite of my daughter's depression. A few days after she left, she said things to give me hope; last night she told me to move on forever. That there was nothing I could do, it was too late. Even earlier in the day, before the incident with her aunt, we had a pleasant little conversation and made plans for her to drop off the children monday after class. Then, thru no fault of my won, everything blew the hell up over the telephone and now she's upset with me and my daughter and not with the woman who caused the whole mess. The therapist she picked for my daughter and took her to told my little girl to call her daddy whenever she was depressed so that we could help each other through this, and when she tried to do that, the two women in whose care she is in sabotaged it and made her even more upset.

 

At this rate, with this much drama, I think I've got no chance in hell at ever getting my family back...

[becallamjr]

everything your going through is rough and maybe right now it is better that you and your ex aren't together. Look at what you are accomplishing for yourself aside from your family problems. Your going to school, your going to be working, I know it is hard, but again time will tell. I think the major issue with your ex isn't so much what you said when you two argued, whereas I believe that she doesn't feel appreciated. So with that in mind I wouldn't be surprised that when you two argued something along the lines of "I work my * * * off for him and this is what I get" ran through her mind. Along with "Why should I put up with this anymore". You know what the doc said, so tomorrow when you talk to your ex, reiterate that into the conversation gently. The doc told your daughter to call you when she was feeling down and that means that she should be able to call you whenever wherever. No if and's or but's about it. I'm sure her aunt has a huge impression on your ex's decisions. Think about it, she is confused as hell and the only encouraging factor in her life is you are the a-hole. Well, unfortunately there is nothing you can say to change her mind. So, your actions will have to speak for you. Remember you are on the right course, your gonna have those really good days, where you feel everything is going to work out and then you'll have those bad days, where everything seems hopeless. I have no doubt she still loves you, so take one day at a time. That is all you can do. When you complete your task at hand and have a diploma to show for it, you go out and get a decent job and you can have your own house for you and your kids. Right now your fighting a losing battle. That is the brutal truth. I'm sorry. As for what's happening at the moment, when you do see her, talk about the doc, let her know that when it comes to your kids between you and them her aunt has no say whatsoever, maybe give her an update on what is going on with you, and maybe you should tell her that your gonna continue your journey and get what you need to get done and for right now you are putting you and her aside. As well, you should maybe tell her that once you've finished what you need to do with your life, then maybe you can talk about "us". Just a thought, do whatever you see fit. Best of luck.

[bcuzitwasfun]

It sounds like when your daughter calls you and the "ant" is around, things go all to hell...

 

Man this is tough. Your daughter knows however that she can call you any time she needs to and so does everybody else. Maybe the next time your daughter calls you and you sense the "ant" coming around you quickly tell your daughter that you love her and you must go and hang up the phone. This maybe will stop some the drama and save your daughter some of the heartbreak. Next time you see her explain that you are not hanging up and that you would like to talk to her for a long time, it's just that the situation is very tense right now and you don't want to hurt her feelings in any way.

 

Good luck with all this.

[daregveda]

I'm feeling a little better today, she called me at a quarter to eight this morning and told me she'd bring the girls down. No apology for saturday, but no lingering animosity either. I'm still angry at her for allowing her aunt to interfere, but I've said enough about it...no need to start another argument. Hopefully, they now understand that they were in the wrong, and if not, the next time it happens, I will simply tell her that custody was never officially awarded to her and that I have the right to maintain contact with my children. I have the right to say I don't want non-relatives making decisions for my children, and I have a right to express concern if I feel my kids are in a hostile environment. I really hope like hell that things don't come to that again, so I'm going to positive, polite and productive in the meantime. As becallem said, she's looking for a way to make me the a-hole, and I'm going to make it harder for her. I still feel like saturday was a setback, and I feel like I'm losing a battel I haven't even been fighting in, but there's no reason to assume that in two days, she hasn't worked out the fact that I did nothing wrong. Perhaps that's why she called me so early this morning...it seemed almost unnecessary, almost as tho she was looking for an excuse to call. I can say that, because I've done the same thing a few times recently. She was never a big fan of apologizing or admitting she's wrong, so it'll be interesting to see how she behaves today.

[becallamjr]

That's the attitude to have. It may not mean much, but you have our support on this forum 100%. Keep us posted.

[daregveda]

It actually means the world to me to have you guys on my side. You all read my story and didn't call me a loser or point out the fact that I deserved to have her walk out. And on top of that, you've all encouraged me, given me hope and helped level me out in my weakest moments.

 

Started my new job waiting tables today...there's a lot more to it than I had imagined, but my trainer said I did an excellent job. The money is even better than I expected, the guy who trained me made a little over $80 and only had 5 tables in his section...and today was a slow day.

 

She brought the girls down for about an hour last night, it was kind of late and my daughter had school in the morning. She actually stayed this time, and things went okay...not great, but no arguing or anything like that. She just seems a little...cold. We talked about my new job, her car, she btched about her sister a bit and that was about it. No sign of affection or regret on her part, but I'm getting used to that.

[daregveda]

The first month has passed. Four weeks ago today she left; so much has changed since then...for both me and her. And while some of the changes have been positive ones for me...getting a new education, new employment, getting in better shape...at the same time, the changes I see in her are disheartening. She still seems angry, even during casual conversation. She's polite enough, I suppose, but it's right there under the surface. She is easily annoyed by little things such as not being heard clearly and having to repeat herself. She takes things I say out of context and tries to build an argument out of it. Every once in a while she calls me about seeing the girls when it seems unnecessary, when we've already worked out the details earlier, and that tends to get my hopes up. But then I see her or talk to her on the phone and there's another argument, another letdown, one more piece of evidence that she wants as little to do with me as possible.

 

She had been coming to the house a day or two a week while I was out, to gather more of her things or to use the computer. But for almost a week now, she has stopped coming. She still has clothes and personal effects here, most of which I have bagged up and stored away from my sight. The only thing she looks for when she comes for the girls is her mail, which I can't figure out why she still has sent here.

 

Everything I have read and everyone I have talked to, they all suggest that she is just taking her time and that she will come back. But here we are, an entire month and the last thing she said about us was that I should just move on. And I think I shall. I had a two hour convo on the phone last night with a girl I used to work with. She had at the time made advances at me, which were tempting to say the least, but I had remained faithful. She is very cute, very intelligent, and fun to be around. And she was most excited to learn that I was single, as she is. Her warmth and laughter on the phone the other night were a stark contrast to the phone conversations I have had recently with my g/f.

 

I'm going to give myself a few days for reflection...do I really want to see this girl, or am I just hoping that my g/f will find out and come running? She has always been the jealous type, and this girl is VERY cute, 6 years younger than us with a slender, attractive build. I'm sure we would have a great time, but I don't want to hurt her if my g/f has a change of heart and decides she wants to come home. As of right now, I have no real reason to think she will, and I am horribly lonely. Any thoughts as to how I should proceed?

[NJRon]

Until you aren't ready to just rush back to your girlfriend. That is, you are actually moving on, for yourself, I would be very cautious with this other girl. Not only could it send the wrong signal to your g/f, but it could also set you on a strange emotional rollercoaster, as you are, right now, still vulnerable. I think you are right to question your motives and am confident you will do the right thing.

[daregveda]

Thank you ron, as usual you are right on target...your aim is amazing. While I am moving on, I'm doing it because she told me to and not because I'm actually ready. While I know it would hurt my g/f to know I'm seeing someone else, I guess there's no guarantee that the pain would make her want to come home. This girl deserves better than being used as a pawn anyway, I would much rather enjoy her company than parade her around to trying to incite my g/f's jealous fury. I still want to talk to her on the phone, but I will put off seeing her for the time being.

 

The only real signal I want to send my g/f is that this is what she wanted. Perhaps she didn't think I'd find another while being broke and miserable, but moving on is moving on...she couldn't really expect it to be her or noone could she? The money will be coming soon, by this weekend I will have finished training and then the tables and tips are mine. I don't want her to think that I don't want her or need her now that I'll be able to take care of myself, but she still doesn't want me and I don't want to be alone. I will give it some time, I won't talk to my g/f but I will maintain contact with this new interest of mine and see how things play out. If I don't sleep with this girl, I have no guilt, nothing to apologize for, and if my g/f happens to find out we're talking (thru no information from me) I will simply say she is a friend and ask what difference it should make.

[becallamjr]

I'm gonna have to agree with NJ on this one, even though I'm in a spiteful mood at the moment. My spiteful mood says to use your new interest to your advantage. It may trigger a jealous streak in your ex and she may come running, but if it doesn't work out that way at least you have someone new to spend some quality time with. A rebound wouldn't be all bad for you.

[daregveda]

Got a little clarity and hope from an unlikely source today and was wondering what you guys thought.

 

Hung out with a friend of mine tonight, just talking and drinking a few beers. For years, I've considered him a good friend, but we never talked much about personal things like what I'm going thru. It was usually about the newest PS2 game or something about computers...stuff like that. He's known for a while about my g/f leaving me and has been a great friend, checking on me everyday, seeing if I need groceries or a ride or even money.

 

I had told him before about her reasons for leaving, about how she got fed up with me not helping with the house or the bills or doing anything to make my life or hers better. I had even told him about how I had accused her of cheating on me. But tonight, in the course of our discussion about this girl I've talked to a few times and how jealous my girl would be if she would find out, I told him more about the night she left. Specifically, about what exactly I had said to her that night when I accused her.

 

Here is his response, in his words..."You said THAT to her?!? I can't even...dude, you're an 4SSHOLE!!" I told him that I knew that already, especially given the way she had been taking care of me and the fact that whenever she had accused me in the past, she had been WAY more delicate about it. Even then, I still remember how hurt I was that she would even question my loyalty. And the things I said to her that night were UGLY. No way to talk to a lady, especially one that has given me the two most beautiful little girls in the world. I had apologized for the things I said to her already, but it wasn't just that...it was just the straw.

 

So tonight after he called me a few more things and said he couldn't even imagine me saying those things to her, we started talking about what I could do to fix it. We came to the decision that I will NOT see this other girl. Not going to call her either...eff that. Now that I'm a little more aware of how bad I hurt my g/f, I know how much more damage that could do. He also says I should buy her a present or ask her out on a date so I can apologize and try to make everything up to her...but I'm not going to do that. Every attempt I've made to talk to her about "us" has been a failure and a setback. She's not going to accept a present or want to come over or go out anyway.

 

I know she's probably surprised and a little proud of the way I've went from lazy deadbeat to full-time student/full-time employee in a month, but she's still pissed about the things I said to her. My friend says she still loves me, but is still really hurt and angry about everything. He says that once she gets over it, she'll be home. I'm a little less optimistic, she's never the type to stay angry a month, but I feel like in time, she may forgive me and miss me.

 

She's bringing the girls tomorrow to pick me up from work so they can spend the night. I think she's going to like seeing me as a waiter...the clothes really look good on me. the shirt and half apron thingy really highlight the lean waist and flat stomach that replace the gut and lovehandles I had when she left. I don't think either one of us ever pictured me as a waiter, perhaps seeing me in a whole new light will peak her interest. Until then, I will continue to give her her space, but I will be thinking about ways to make everything up to her. Even if she doesn't come back to me, she still deserves that much.

[becallamjr]

I think that you got it down packed. Wow, I hadn't even realized to ask you what was said between you and her. I'm sorry for not asking, I may have been more effective on the advice I was giving. Good luck. Keep us posted. Also

How are you doing? I'm asking for all aspects.

[daregveda]

Doing well, actually. Second day on the job, spilled a little water on a guy but smoothed it over. Everybody says I'm doing well and every waiter there that I've seen count out their tips has made between $90-$200...I won't have to move now Got my first test score back from my first class and it was a 92%

 

Get to see my girls tomorrow, thery're going to spend the night. Got dinner planned, got a couple of movies and a nice breakfast. Btween work and school, I don't know when I'll get another visit, so I'm making this short one count All in all, I feel good. Better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better.

[becallamjr]

Keep at it man, bank that money. Tips are awesome. Great way to make a living while you are striving to reach your goals. Enjoy that company with your kids, its great while there young and they do grow up fast. Congratulations on your test. It's good to hear that you are feeling good! Keep us posted.

[daregveda]

Dropped off the girls about an hour and a half late yesterday. The baby had fallen asleep in the car and she was pulling her out of her car seat. I went outside, told her I would carry her in. She asked what was wrong, I said "nothing", and she got in the car and drove off. Me and the girls had a nice time. Today she picked up the girls and asked a few times if I wanted a ride. I politely declined, told her I'd rather walk so I wouldn't be too early.

 

That was it. Although I am feeling better, I still get the feeling that this is hopeless. It's been a month, if she missed me and loved me, wouldn't I see some sign of it by now?

 

Sorry to btch and moan again, but I just pulled 8 hours in a restaraunt FULL of people (fun as hell by the way) and then came home to an empty house.

 

I want my family back.

[NJRon]

Yeah... I can totally identify with wanting my family back. All I can do when I think that is sigh deeply.

 

Hang in there and keep venting

[daregveda]

Talked to my daughter on the phone this morning and she said her mother came back into the house after I went to work yesterday. She grabbed some of her clothes I had bagged up and all the photo albums.

 

She's not coming home, is she?

[NJRon]

Why did she take all of the photo albums, shouldn't you get some of them? I really don't think you should jump to conclusions fro her actions. Just keep doing what you're doing.

[daregveda]

I had my daughter ask if she would bring back some of the photos, I heard her in the background, simply said "yeah".

 

I had hoped the longer she was away, the more she would miss me and start thinking about coming home. Her taking the photos is just another sign that she isn't. Even after everything I've done, everything my daughter's going thru, it seems she's still determined not to be here with me anymore.

 

I want to talk to her so bad, to tell her how sorry I am, but I don't...she wouldn't give me a chance anyway. The last time I tried, she told me that she didn't feel the same way about me and to just move on. It was an emotional discussion at the time, but her actions show me she means it.

 

Now I'm afraid that, instead of missing me more everyday, she's missing me less. We don't talk except for when she picks up the girls, and then it seems like she's fine without me. Now that she's taken just about everything she owns out of our house, she's probably not in the least bit homesick. I had taken down two family portaits off our wall because it hurts me to see her face..they were with the rest of the pics and albums, and she didn't take them.

 

I feel like she's just written me off.

[NJRon]

Why would she take the photo albums if she didn't want the memories?

[becallamjr]

You don't truly know if she has just written you off. I know you know that time will tell. As many times as I have said it, it's the honest truth. Time will tell. Hang in here, we are here for you.

[confusedashell]

The last time I tried, she told me that she didn't feel the same way about me and to just move on. It was an emotional discussion at the time, but her actions show me she means it.

 

damn mate, sorry all this is happening. Its a real hard thing to go through and even harder when you have a family together.

 

But what you said about her actions etc. I can say my wife did the excate same thing with me. She went out, she talked to me like some guy who was calling her after meeting her out in the pub. She acted real cold about it all. Thats when I HAD to assume the relationship was done. For my own sanity! Thats what you need to do. I cant tell you she'll come back- she might not, She may have truly moved on and wont ever want to return, but she also might. Thats the problem, you just cannot predict what will happen, so your best bet is just to be a little selfish now. Start to plan your own life without her.

 

This works two fold: It helps you move on if things truly are finished. Put her out of your mind, look forward to meeting someone else. You will get stronger. If things are dead you will have to do this sooner or later, so might aswell be now! You gotta think about your kids and whats best for them. In the end either your wife will see you as the man she fell in love with or she wont. But You also may find out that at the end of the day, you dont even want her back! Who knows what will happen. I had assumed we were done and only then when I truly started to move on did we sort it all out.

 

Your situation sounds VERY similar to my own and in the end my wifes problems were like 40% us and 60% just herself feeling bad. it took time away from it all for her to see it. How about taking the kids for a weekend somewhere nice? just go and do something where you can all focus on just having a good time together??

 

Hope it all works out one way or the other for you mate. so you dont need to sit there scratching your head.

[daregveda]

Confused, good to hear from you, thanks for the ray. You other guys, too...thanks for not letting me sink. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow when I get my schedule so we can hammer out the details for my next visit with the girls. They are becoming shorter and less frequent, but thru no fault of hers. Between her job and my school and the fact I'm going to work every hour they need me to, it's going to be rough. But the upshot is, I'm going to be making some money. I was still training today, they let me handle a few tables by myself...went pretty well. Even got to keep the tips on the few tables they let me field by myself. Dropped some water on another patron, but joked with her and bought her dessert, so no harm done. Gotta learn to manage that tray better.

 

I keep trying to think of a way to warm my g/f up, but I got nothing. So I'm not going to try for now. She knows I'm sorry, she knows I'll be able to take care of myself and that I'm waiting for her.

 

The circus is in town in april, it's been a family tradition of ours since the first year of my oldest daughter's life. I'm going to ask if I can take the girls, and if she's reluctant, I'll invite her too.

[becallamjr]

shutter.....clowns. They freak me out. But the circus is a good time. It might be a good idea to invite her. For the kids sake, it will show your kids that you two still care about each other enough to be civil with one another. Plus you guys can do things as a family. Even though you and your ex aren't together, I hope that you are still telling your kids that you are still a family. Because you guys are and always will be even if it doesn't work out the way you would like. I agree with confused on a note as well. Maybe it is time you started to move on, I know you are really hoping she comes back, but why do you have to be miserable in the meantime? Start dating a little, but take it slow. We are not saying jump into a relationship, but it wouldn't hurt you to have a friend, I know you gotta be lonely. We are not even saying to go out ang get laid, you can have a plutonic relationship with someone to pass the time. Well you know what is best for yourself, moreso than anyone else, just suggestions.

[confusedashell]

 

I keep trying to think of a way to warm my g/f up, but I got nothing. So I'm not going to try for now. She knows I'm sorry, she knows I'll be able to take care of myself and that I'm waiting for her.

 

Sounds like your on the right path here mate! Well done! She knows you want to fix things, she knows you still love her so the balls in her court. Not much else you can do. Now you're focusing on You and your girls, thats the best thing you can do! Regardless of what happens it sounds like you'll be fine! You're over the worst part of it and passed nicely

 

The hardest part must be the time with the girls though. Damn, thats rough. But I guess its always workable and can be just as good for the children if the parents just realise that the children are the most important. Its no doubt you are thinking of your girls first and foremost man, so hopefully you're wife will/is too. In a few years man, you'll daughters will be proud of you, thats for sure. They'll appreciate everything you did durning this time (trying to fix things etc). Thats for sure!

 

Its great to that you're interacting with other women! Thats a great sign! Maybe its too soon to have any kind of relationship with another woman but just realising there is other great women out there will be a great help to you if you're g/f doesnt come back. If anything else mate, we are men hah, we need an ego boast

 

Keep it up mate! And keep us all informed! Honestly, posting here and venting is a great way to get things off your chest! It helped me alot.