she says she loves me, how can I get her back?

[daregveda]

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't keeping my eyes open for some female companionship, but I can't help feeling that it would be a bad idea. I know she isn't dating, and if she found out I was, I'm afraid of the consequences. She may be hurt and decide to return the favor by meeting someone else, she may think "now that he doesn't need me to take care of him, he doesn't care about me coming back"...I think I'd rather use the little free time I have left to be with my kids and show her I'm alive.

 

I'm also afraid if I start dating another girl, I will spend more time comparing her to my babies' mother instead of enjoying her company. I feel guilty enough for the way I treated her, I don't need another hurt woman's feelings on my conscience.

 

She may have written me off, but I promised her I would wait for her and that's what I intend to do...for now. I'm talking to one girl on the phone, but I don't expect it to go any farther than that. I guess I'm still holding out hope that she will miss me and take a chance that things will be better if she comes home. I'm not going to approach her about the relationship unless she gives me some kind of sign, but I'm going to stay busy and hope the changes I've made will lay a foundation for a new beginning.

 

And of course, I will be posting an obscene amount here, it helps me get thruogh the rough times when I start thinking of excuses to call her.

[confusedashell]

 

I'm also afraid if I start dating another girl, I will spend more time comparing her to my babies' mother instead of enjoying her company.

 

Yup, thats why its best not to do anything but keep your options open. I would have done the same thing as you: waited for her to start meeting others before I did. That way, you can feel 100% you did the right thing. Its just a matter of time before you start to feel better mate. and hell, she could come back anytime. If she does then you both will need to have a serious sit down and sort out all the problems and solutions from start to finish. That wont be easy, but worth it.

 

In anycase the best advise I can give you is the one you're already following so well: Assume the relationship is over and focus on you and your girls.. You need to have some sanity and your girls need a strong father there for them. You need to focus on yourself because from the sounds of it, you really did all for your family and wife before.

 

Hope its some help mate! I know its easy to sit on this side of the fence and fork out advise.

[becallamjr]

Well said confused. Hello Dare how are you

[daregveda]

Doing pretty well, thanks man. Got off work and picked my baby up from my g/f's sister's house. She'll be here sometime after 11 to get her. Talked to her on the phone tonight, told her I'd be on top of rent and bills at the end of march, mentioned the circus tickets and asked her if I could get her one too. She hesitated, but I just said "we'll have fun" and she said "yeah, why not?".

 

Even before then, walking to school this morning I experienced a strong wave of hope...I even smiled. I don't know where it came from, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. I have no real justification for it, but I know how much she's loved me over the years and I don't think anybody will ever be able to replace me in her heart. Foolish, I know, but just a day or so ago I was being crushed under the weight of doubt and loneliness, and I prefer the hope...even know I know it'll be gone tomorrow again.

[daregveda]

Oh wow, man. She came to pick the baby up and we ended up talking for about a half an hour about "us"...and she didn't kick my heart in the balls this time. She didn't neccesarily say anything to give me hope, she didn't really say much of anything. She listened as I told her that I had finally gotten her reasons for leaving. It wasn't just about not having a job or accusing her unjustly..I had simply been a d1ck to her. Here she was, working her ss off taking care of me, and I was b1tching at her about every little thing I could think of. And then to accuse her the way I did...I have never talked that way to her before. I told her that I understood now that even after she left, I kept being a d1ck to her. Saying she was lying, not giving her time to cool off, calling her selfish. I told her exactly what I told you guys, that whether or not she decides to come back, I was sorry for the way I treated her and that she desrved better than that. I saw tears in her eyes as I was telling her this, she looked at me the whole time I was talking, but she didn't say anything.

 

When she left, she had said that I didn't care about her, and tonight I told her that it was never about that. I told her that she has always been my whole world, that I've always loved her and that I just felt like sh1t. And instead of trying to pull myself out of my rut, I tried to drag her down with me. She nodded as if she understood, if not agreed. I let her know that I didn't expect her to come running back to me because of anything I was telling her, but I told her that I would continue to wait for her. I said that this was a good thing for me, I had learned a lot about myself and my capabilities in the month she was gone. She told me that she wasn't surprised at all by what I had accomplished. I asked her to take all the time she needs, but to watch me work hard, do well in school and be a good father so that she could see me be the man she wanted all along. She nodded again.

 

She already knew I loved her and that I wanted her back, she already knew that I was working hard because of her. Tonight I just wanted her to know how sorry I was and that I would do everything I could to make things up to her...together or apart. She didn't say anything really to encourage me, but at the same time, she didn't say anything to discourage me either. She asked me to call her with my schedule, picked up the baby and asked if I wanted to kiss her (the baby), and I saw her out the door.

 

I feel like I accomplished something tonight.

[becallamjr]

You did accomplish something, you let her know how you feel and actually meant it. What I mean is I think she actually truly believes you. Have fun with the circus, but go without any expectations. Continue what you are doing and you will be just fine. I'm glad to see that some things are going your way. From the sounds of your convo, she still really does care, that alone should put a smile on your face. You see, now regardless of what any of her other influences say, she knows how you feel. That's is probably the best thing that could have happened. Now it is on you; keep working hard and giving her the space she needs, keep being a good father, and do some things that you enjoy or find some. Keep us posted. glad to hear you are doing great.

[NJRon]

That's great! You laid it all out on the line without begging or anything. You let her know your feelings and it obviously touched her heart. At least now she has the real thing to mull over.

 

I'm glad she said yes to the circus. Just don't go overboard while you're there and enjoy the moment. Keep it up

[confusedashell]

Great! Sounds like its all starting to go in the right direction. Again, almost excatly what happened with us too. My advice is similar to what NJRon say, don't go overboard now. You're in a good position. You explained how things were, told her how you feel/felt for her and it's got her thinking. Dont get heavy with her now, but bring ip up every now and again in a kinda lighthearted way. Women cant help but like a guy who's lighthearted and able to handle situations without stress because most women are pro to stress lol! Ok maybe not, but you know what I mean

 

Keep up with you're own personal advances too mate. This is obvious good for both you and the pural you

[daregveda]

I hope you guys know how much it means to me, having you in my corner. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing last night, I hadn't prepared anything. I just saw her and started spitballing. I meant everything I said to her, tho...I'm just wondering what went thru her mind on the drive home.

 

Really looking forward to the circus, hoping like hell I have the funds for it when tickets go on sale. If not, I'm selling my ps2 or something. I won't go overboard or anything, I sort of think I won't have to. A lot of memories for us at the circus, we've went every year since the birth of our oldest kid. No heavy sh1t, just laughing, food and pictures, like nothing ever happened. Until then, no pressure, just love. I don't mean to tell her how much I love her and miss her, but to show her by working hard, giving her a break from me and always being here for her.

[daregveda]

First night night as a waiter in a non-trainee capacity (meaning I got to keep my tips). Didn't make much money, it was a slow night and being a newbie I was among the first to get cut. But talking to waiter of 5 years there, he said if I didn't make 2k a month working there, there would have to be something wrong with me. That's more than twice what I need for living expenses, and I only owe 3k in student loans after my scholarship award; I don't even have to start paying that for 2 years. Feeling a lot better right about now.

 

Also I just got a message on my phone from her, about 12:15 am. It was a picture of my baby making a face...cracked me up. I messaged her back "lol thx" and that was it.

 

God, I miss them.

[becallamjr]

That's good to hear. It's nice of her to allow you to not miss out on those special moments with the kids. My cousin's son was at my parents today, they were baby sitting. He was crying until I walked in, he stopped, looked up at me and gave me this huge smile. It honestly melted my heart, he reached up for me and I held him the whole time. If I tried to set him down he would start crying and put his hands back up, signaling me to pick him back up. When my folks tried to hold him, he buried his head into my chest. It was an absolutely amazing feeling. I was real close to being a father a little bit ago, but my ex had a miscarriage. I envy you with a passion daregvega. I know deep down everything happens for a reason, but I ask myself everyday why I lost my chance to be a father. I hope my tale gives you just a little more reason to appreciate your children even more. I can't talk about this anymore as I'm getting a little choked up. It's funny how children in their innocence can make your misery go away in an instant, but at the time make it even worse. It's all gonna work out for you dare, just have faith.

 

How's school going? I'm glad to hear that you are not training anymore and you get to keep the money. Keep your head up, you are headed in the right direction.

[daregveda]

School's going good, but to be honest, I'm a little more excited about the new job. I couldn't wait to get out of class yesterday to go to work, and I wish I didn't have today off.

 

I thought it was nice of her too, it showed she was thinking about me. She sent it around midnight, and I know my little girl was asleep when I called them about 9:30. As always, I'm trying not to read too much into anything she does, but perhaps she wanted me to know she was thinking about me, but had nothing really to say. I'm supposed to call her later about visiting the girls before work on sunday, I'm looking forward to hearing her voice.

 

You haven't lost your chance at being a father, you are a young man and a caring one at that. You have a strong nurturing instinct...your nephew, like most other children, obviously picks up on that. I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, especially before it's birth, but if it's any consolation...I know you will make a damn fine father one day.

[becallamjr]

Thanks dare, I appreciate that. As much as you are excited about working, remember that school is far more important. You can always work, knowledge can never be taken away. I know I haven't lost my chance to be a father, but it's just rough. My cousin has it rough, she is a single mom and her babies daddy is a pos. Man, life is rough in general, but I figured out it's those special moments you get to share with others around you that make life worth living. Dare you truly are a fine example for others around you, I want you to know that. You'll be just fine, just keeping working hard, but don't forget to enjoy life too.

[daregveda]

Talked to her last night after she got off work. She called and we talked about her bringing the girls down for a few hours on sunday. I apologized for not having much time lately to see them, she said she understood. We talked for a few minutes about trivialities, and I told her I had to go take a bath and get ready for bed and told her to be careful on her way home. She was about to say something that sounded like "I love you", but I think it was out of habit. I said good night, she said the same and I hung up.

 

About 45 minutes later she sent another pic of the baby.

[NJRon]

It sounds like she may finally be relaxing now. Not that that means things will change, but at least maybe she can stop seeing things through a fog of anger.

[daregveda]

It's enough change for me to know that she's feeling better about talking to me. I miss her like crazy, but I'm not ready for her to come home yet. I want to make some money and get on the dean's list at school, so that if and when she does return, there won't be any mistrust as to my commitments. She needs to see that the cycle is broken, that my "lather-rinse-repeat" mentality is now being applied to my new routine.

[daregveda]

Made over $100 tonight. A little tired, but really looking forward to seeing them in the morning. Not much else to report, except my little girl told me on the phone this morning that her mother got suddenly very depressed on sunday while they were folding laundry...so much so that she went out onto the porch and stared at the woods for about a half an hour. Tempting to take that as a sign that she's starting to miss me, but I can't help being a little worried about her. That was the day after she picked up the girls and discovered I had packed up her clothes and took her pictures down. I've since apologized for the way I had treated her, both before and after she left...so hopefully she's feeling better.

[daregveda]

She had told me she would wake the girls up early today and bring them to visit for a few hours before I went to work. A little over an hour before I have to go in...no call, no show.

 

Is this some kind of test, or does the mother of my 2 daughters really care so little about my relationship with our kids?

[becallamjr]

Don't make any assumptions. It could be a numerous amount of reasons why you got a no call no show. Until you know the facts, try to stay positive about it. It's a good feeling having some money in your pocket, isn't it?

[daregveda]

Absolutely right. She left me a voicemail while I was at work, explaining she had worked a double at the hospital and didn't get home until 7am. She apologized, saying she went to sleep when she got home and forgot to call. Told me to call her when I get a day off or a day when I work late, so she could bring the girls.

 

I should've known there was a rational explaination, I was just really disappointed when they didn't show up, and worried that they didn't call. Not to mention I miss them all so much.

 

It does feel really good to be making money, but it's not going into my pocket. I'm banking every dime I don't use to get around or do things with my kids.

[becallamjr]

Pocket / banking same thing. I'm glad that you kept your cool, instead of jumping the gun. Talk to you later bro, hope everything else goes well for you.

[daregveda]

Man, you were so right about the tips. And there's no shortage of servers there who are more than willing to let you pick up their shift. As I was going home last night, I thought about how I wasn't really even tired after working 12 hours and that I had just walked out of there with 1/4 of my rent. I have been carefully gravitating towards the people who enjoy working there and away from those who don't, because those are the ppl who make the best tips.

 

Not because of her, but I should have tried this years ago...way more fun than what I was doing before.

[becallamjr]

Hey man, you "grew up", not too say that you weren't grown already. Yet you are growing up by becoming more self efficient and self aware. Congratulations on that. You should be very proud of yourself for what you are accomplishing right now. Keep working hard, hard work pays off, you can trust me on that one.

[daregveda]

Okay, you know what? It's been almost a month and a half, and aside from her taking her clothes and our photos, having her "aunt" scream at me and my daughter and her standing me up on a date with my kids...nothing has changed. I don't call her, I go to class every day and I made a good amount of money last week. I have taken full responsibilty for my behavior, made every effort to get even a CHANCE at making it up to her and my little girl is still as miserable as I am.

 

I'm sick of this. I want her back and she has systematically crushed every hope I've had of her return. I know it's a "bad idea" but that there's a chance that jealousy will produce some results were everything else has failed. I know she's not seeing anyone alse and she has always been a little possesive anyway, I don't see how things could get any worse than this if I at least try.

 

I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished since she's been gone, and have been riding that wave of success to keep from drowning in pain. But to come home and not have my family to celebrate with is just making unhappy.

 

I need to do something else, because doing all the "right things" isn't working and I don't want to lose her forever. I need to make her jealous without being obvious about it. There's no real chance of running into her on a date and I'm not sure how else to get her to find out if I talk to another girl. Any suggestions?

[NJRon]

Yeah, you're having a down day. As I read your posts, there are more positive signs than negative signs. She is getting closer, not further away from you. You have been together what? 13 years? You're only willing to give it 6 weeks?

 

I don't see how things could get any worse than this if I at least try.

 

I don't see how they could get better. If you need someone else to celebrate with because without someone else it makes you unhappy, then you are not in the right place right now. Doing the "right things" is as much for you as it is for anyone. You don't need to make her jealous. You want to make her jealous because you want some control. Negative emotions are not a good thing. Even if she did decide to come back due to jealousy or guilt... that's just not the right way for someone to come back. You want them to come back because they *want* to come back.

 

I didn't date anyone for 6 months after my breakup and that was only a 2 1/2 year relationship. I know everyone heals at a different rate, but be careful not to rush things. Until things settle down a bit, it's a little too easy to start the rollercoaster.