she says she loves me, how can I get her back?

[NJRon]

Hang in there, you're doing things right. It will get easier, though some days it feels as if it's getting harder.

[daregveda]

Just got off the phone with her. The kids spent the night and she was calling to see if I wanted her to pick them up. I had just spent about 40 minutes crying with my oldest daughter after she told me that she wants to come home, but doesn't want to tell her mommy, because she just doesn't understand. I was a still a little upset when she called, so I told her I already got us dinner and a movie and that she probably had things she'd rather go out and do. She asked if I was sure, I said yeah. She told me to call her if I needed anything, I said "fine" and hung up. Probably just made things worse between us by not being all upbeat and positive, but it justs hurts me to think that 3 members of a family want so much to be together, but the fourth seems to be chugging along through her days, happy with the way things are. The man she spent her entire adult life with and the two beautiful girls they had together just want her to come home and be a family again, but all she cares about is being with her relatives. The relatives who weren't there when she was poor, or pregnant, or working hard alongside her man to make a home and life for their kids.

[becallamjr]

The last thing you wanna be is spiteful. I know your upset, but the argument you guys had was a serious one. There has to be some serious issues between you two if she had enough nerve to say that she wasnt in love with you anymore. Of course your kids wanna come home, your their daddy and they love you. They don't understand what is going on, but remember this, heed my words, DO NOT get back together, if only for the kids sake. You will make life tougher for them if you do. I know personally, if my parents had gotten divorced a long time ago, me and my brothers would be better off. She loves you and you know it. She is just caught in this tug o war. She loves you, but can she be with you? If you love her, truly love her, then give her the time she needs to figure out what she truly wants. Don't be spiteful of it. If you two work out, you two will be stronger than you ever were before. Being spiteful will only lead to one thing and I know in your heart it is the one thing you least want.

[daregveda]

She just came for the kids. Nothing more to report...I wasn't angry or spiteful, but I was hurt. I couldn't look at her and had nothing to say. She keeps asking me if I need anything, and I do, but I just say "no, I'm fine". She should know better, why is she asking me? Having to take care of me is why she turned her back on me in the first place...does she really expect me to ask her for money?

 

Valentine's day is in two days, and I haven't kissed the woman I love in 3 weeks. She says nothing to me about anything but the kids or if I need anything (when the girls are there). I feel like this is more than a "break" to give me time to get myself together. She doesn't even ask about school or how the job hunt is going. This time, she at least got out of the car and came in, but only to grab some basket full of makeup. And I noticed her neice sitting in the car, a convenient excuse for a quick departure. But again, I said nothing about us, just put the baby's shoes on, hugged her and her sister, told them I'd miss them, and shut the door behind them.

 

I've seen her hurt before, and I don't see her hurting now. She is not a subtle person. This is entirely too easy for her, and I am starting (again) to feel that she really doesn't want me back. She couldn't care less about my efforts, she is not trying to encourage me in the slightest. If she were truly interested in mending our relationship, she wouldn't be gambling on it like this. A lot can happen in the year she proposes; I have had no luck in three weeks on the job front, and I could be homeless by spring.

 

Sticking to NC, and a Valentine's present is out of the question. I only have a few business hours after school every day to look for work, and at night I'm filling in scholarship apps, job apps, and talking to my daughter on the phone. She said I could have the girls this weekend, so I'm assuming she has no reason to call me until then.

 

This sucks.

[becallamjr]

This does suck. V-day two days away. I hate V-day, it's the most depressing day of the year. Sweet-day makes me wanna vomit. Ok, sorry bout that. Back to the topic at hand. Sorry that I used the word spiteful, but I was wasted for the first time in a month yesterday. Relationships suck. I think that she is giving you two a year, not just to get your life together and hers as well, but to see what else is out there. You said it yourself, she has been with you for most of her adulthood. She is always gonna ask if you need anything because she supported you for so long. Look at it this way, you are a single man (right now), on a year break with the love of your life, enjoy it! I know you feel she is the one for you, but at this point she is "gathering her thoughts", "she needs her space", in my opinion and yes this just my opinion, she is testing the waters on the relationship thing. You don't really know how much you love someone until you get to really miss them. I think that she might be consideering dating others to see what is out there. You even said that if you two were not to get back together that you would be ok. Oh have you applied through FAFSA. That is a good way to go. For school and you might be able to get some grants, with the grants you can do whatever you want with the money. Concentrate on school, try to find some work, and be good to your kids. Maybe consider seeing other people in the meantime, I'm not saying anything sexual, (don't think that is what I think she is doing), just some intamacy would be good for you. Everything your doing, should be done for you and your kids, not for her. Keep it up, your on the right track. Good luck with job searching.

[daregveda]

I entertained the thought of asking someone out, but firmly decided against it. I'm sure it would be a real kick in the face for her to see me with a girl six years younger and a little taller, but I promised her I would wait for her. The minute I learn that she has started seeing someone else, I won't even consider being with her again. Not after everything we've been through together. Not after everything she's putting me through now. It'll just mean that she's not the girl I loved, because the girl I loved has always wanted to be with me.

[NJRon]

Yeah, I definitely think avoiding going out is a good idea, for a number of reasons. Especially at this stage. There's plenty of time for that down the road. You're doing the right stuff. I know it's tough, but you're hanging in there.

[daregveda]

Had to call her today when I came home from class. The girls are coming this weekend, there was a notice when I come that they're going to turn off my gas in two days, and it's very cold. She said she would take care of it.

 

I told her I hated to ask her, but that I didn't really have a choice. She said that she would take care of me this month, but that next month I was on my own. I just wonder if she bothered to wipe my heart off her shoe after she stomped on it.

 

I talked to one of the directors at school today who was in charge of helping students find employment. As it happens, an employer was in her office as I came in and she introduced us. He offered me a job that I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate, but I'm going to take it anyway. I have no other choice. She made it very clear that I'm now on my own, and seems to think a month is fair warning. The pay that I'll be starting at will barely be sufficient, but I'm still hoping to use grant and scholarship funds toward living expenses. I may still end up homeless, but that's not even what's bothering me..."next month you're on your own"

[daregveda]

Just talked to her again. I think it's official...she's telling me to just move on.

[becallamjr]

What do you mean it's official? Did she say move on? Don't assume, that will only get you in trouble.

[daregveda]

No assumptions. She told me in her own words "just move on, I don't want to be with you". It's over. I tried everything I could.

[daregveda]

My daughter calls abd tells me that she had to leave school today because she broke down and started crying . When her mom came to pick her up, she asked what was wrong, and my poor little baby finally told her everything. She said that she hated her new school, that she was depressed because her parents aren't together anymore and that she hated living at her aunt's house. Her mother asked if it was because her daddy wasn't there, to which she said yes. She said that she would take her to see me whenever she could, but my daughter told her that it wasn't the same.My ex told her that things would never be the same, that I had done "so much" to her and that she wasn't coming home.

 

Now I think that if most parents here with preteen kids would ever have to pick them up from school for having an emotional breakdown, that they would then do something to try to make their kids feel better. Personally, I would have taken her out somewhere fun and try to cheer her up...not her. She drives all the way down to our house, leaves our daughter in the car, and comes in to gather some more of her things.

 

Pisses me off, and I was a little pissed to begin with. For two days in a row now, I have heard about how I've done so many things to hurt her, but never any specifics. And to hear her tell my daughter the same load of b.s. after telling me that she was trying to make this easy on them, I lost it. I called her on her cell phone. She answered, and I said, "I'm hanging up, let your voicemail get this." I called back and left her a voicemail saying that bringing our little girl here after what happened was a bad call, and that I didn't want her telling the girl things about me that weren't true, and that nothing I've ever done to her was as bad as taking her kids, leaving her in a house she can't afford and telling her she's on her own. I told her that if all the years we have had together weren't even worth trying to salvage, that the least she could do is try to make things better for our children, and that she should call our daughter and talk to her.

 

She called on my land line and I hung up on her. She called again, and said that she didn't know how to check her voicemail. And I just laid into her. This was the first time I have expressed anger at her since she left, and it all came out. I told her everything I said in the voicemail and so much more. I told her that she was lying about her reasons for leaving, that it wasn't about anything I had done or hadn't done, that this was all about her. She said that it wasn't true, and I asked her why she couldn't specify what it was I had done to her, she just responded by saying I had been an ashhole to her. And I asked her why she never asked about school or my new job, not even where I was working. She tried to humor me by asking me then, but I was already telling her that this was all about her own selfish reasons and that I no longer accepted the blame for her leaving, that she wasn't even the same woman anymore and that I didn't want to be with whoever the hell she became.

 

I'm done.

[NJRon]

Wow man. Umm... good for you. Sometimes it's good to show some emotion. I think you're right, that it *is* all about her. Does she realize that if *you* lose the house, *she* loses the house? Time to see a lawyer my friend. Don't leave the house if you can at all help it.

[daregveda]

The house is a rental, she's okay with losing it. I wasn't at first, but now that I'm certain that things are over, I'm going to be moving out after March. It doesn't feel like home anymore.

[NJRon]

ahh... ok. That helps. get a lawyer

[daregveda]

Nah...no need for one. we're not married, she's open to me being with the kids, and they're better off with her until I get my degree and a better job. Not emotionally, of course, but I'm going to be moving to a smaller place, going to school during the day, and waiting tables at night. She will be there for them more than I will, and she has been a nurse for over 5 years. I'm mature enough to know that if we can't be together, that she can still provide for them better than I can.

[daregveda]

Man...I was so angry last night and telling her how I felt gave me some sense of closure. I was starting to feel better about not being with her. But I woke up this morning with that old familiar hole in my heart, and as I was walking home from class, it hit me. I may have ruined any shred of hope I had of getting back together when I went off yesterday. And by doing so, I let my kids down. There's no way she's going to come back to me now, and that's what my daughters want as much as I do.

[becallamjr]

Give it time my friend. It's funny how things work out.

[daregveda]

That's what everyone that knows us keeps saying. Her family, our friends, anyone I feel comfortable enough to talk with. "Don't worry, she'll come around"...why don't I feel the same way? I know I should probably be more optimistic, but I feel like I know her better than anyone and I don't see it. Nothing in her voice or the way she looks at me shows any sign of missing me. She doesn't even care that I have to move out of our house, which to me is a pretty good indication that she's made up her mind not to come home. Her sister has told me of two instances where she has started crying upon being reminded of me, but towards me, she's as cold as ice. No tears, no apologies, no encouragement, just "when do you want me to bring you the girls".

[daregveda]

She called me today, we're on better terms again. She had taken my daughter to a counselor today about her crying and depression. She said she would drop the girls off when she was done, and pick them up in the morning. It wasn't like she missed me or anything, just a much lighter conversation than the last few we've had. She let me talk to the baby and told me that she had to go home and get some sleep because she worked over and had to watch the baby in the morning. I was positive and cheerful and once again the first to end the conversation.

 

She dropped off the girls but didn't get out of the car, as I expected. I asked my daughter if she felt better after talking to the counselor, she told me she did. She said that she had explained how her parents had split up, the reasons her mother gave for leaving, and how her father was trying everything he could to work things out. She told her she hated her new home, her new school, seeing her daddy worry and hated seeing her mother not care.

 

The counselor told her that her mother should be more supportive of her father's efforts and that perhaps her mother was waiting to see if I would stick to the changes I've made. She told her that it was important to call her daddy everyday to make us both feel better. She gave her her business card and told her that perhaps the three of us could come in for a session; she told her mommy, but didn't get a reaction. I'm all for it myself, I've been really anxious and depressed at the same time and it seems to have done my daughter a bit of good. And I feel like we could talk in plainer terms if we have someone to mediate. I'm willing to do anything to get her back, and although she say's there's nothing I can do "for now", there HAS to be something.

 

I'm giving her time and space, I'm going to school everyday and I start orientation at my new job tomorrow. I've had the girls overnight every week, I have the house looking good, and going to act as if nothing has happened between us whenever we speak. This is all I can do, right? Unless she decides to come to me and tell me how else to make things right...which doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon...

[NJRon]

I think you are doing all you can do and I think you're doing it pretty well. Glad your daughter had an oppotunity to visit a counselor, sound slike it did some good. And who knows, maybe it put a bug in your SO's ear too...

[daregveda]

Thanks NJ, good to hear from you. I'm sort of hoping so, too. The counseling with my daughter was one-on-one; she didn't tell her mommy anything they talked about, but I think a mother can watch her child break down in tears only so many times. Perhaps she'll come out of herself and start thinking about what's best for the children and take a chance that things will be better with me making more money and making something out of myself. Maybe by trying so hard to get her back, I made her question my priorities.

 

I still think that this is more about me accusing her of cheating on me than anything else. That's what started the whole fight to begin with. She told me a few days after she left, that she was hurt by the things I said and that's why she told me she didn't love me anymore. I don't know how much of that to believe, but she has accused me of cheating on her when I didn't, and it really does hurt. I've apologized for it, but honesly, we've had WAY worse arguments than that and worked things out, so I really don't know how to make it right.

[daregveda]

The girls spent the night and their mother hadn't picked them up by the time I left for orientation this morning, so I left the 11 year old in charge. Got home a couple of hours later and she was here, picking them up and gathering a few more of her things. She gave me some money and a check for the rent, which I thanked her for. We talked for a minute, not about anything important. I told her about seeing my neighbor accross the street being attacked by her dog and how the baby only wanted to eat and cuddle with me while she was here. She looked at me the whole time we talked and even managed a smile. She had burned a CD while she was here, which she forgot along with a juicer she had got from the kitchen. Just listened to the CD; it's a band that I turned her onto a few years ago, I don't know if it means anything, but maybe she'll think of me if she picks it up and listens to it...

[daregveda]

* * *?!? sitting here doing my homework, when my daughter calls. Her aunt and mommy had taken her, her sister and her aunts kids to spend the night in a hotel so they could swim and have dinner. On the phone, she starts crying because she misses me, and I hear her aunt in the background saying "shouldn't he be at work or something?" That made my daughter cry even worse, and her aunt takes her phone away and starts cussing me, saying she spent a fortune on this trip and that I should be an "effing" parent and stop hurting my kid. Then she throws the phone down, because she doesn't have the * * * * to listen to my reply and starts screaming at my daughter. Her mom gets on the phone and I explain that I didn't call, that my daughter called me and that her aunt not only crossed the line but squatted and dumped on it. She says that everytime my daughter calls me, she cries and I told her that was because she's a pubescent female trying to cope with the split up of her parents. She said that our daughter was ruining their plans and that she would take her phone away. Then she hung up on me, and won't answer when I try to call.

 

Now I feel like there's all this drama, they're pissed at me and I didn't do anything. When my daughter called, I was drinking some coffee, studying a chapter ahead for a class and not expecting to hear from them until tomorrow. Her aunt, the person she left me to live with is poisoning my daughter against me, my daughter is screaming and threatening to lock herself in the bathroom, and all her mother and aunt care about is there stupid little "mini-vacation". And somehow I'm coming off like the bad parent. What the HELL do I do now?

[becallamjr]

I would recommend the next time the aunt gives you * * * *, you lay the law down on who the parents are and not to interefere with your parenting. Remember you are making an effort to better yourself and once you complete your task you will be better for it and your kids as well. What do you do? Next time you speak to your ex or the aunt, don't say a word, unless they bring it up first. Then lay down the law. I believe it is her relatives that are pushing her to not go back to you. That is only a guess though. When you lay down the law, be stern about it, but dont be a * * * * about it.