Falling out of love?

[NR498E]

I've been reading alot of post's latley where the person say's "I fell out of love either him/her".My question is how do you just fall out of love with somebody?It seem's to me that if you truly loved somebody you would love them forever.So if you fell out of love with someone,is it safe to say you never really loved them to begin with? When my ex left me I heard the famous lines"I just dont love you anymore".Well if you can just stop loving somebody it reasons to believe you never loved them to start with.I have also noticed that this phrase seem's to come from mostly women.I think that is because most women expect the gitty honeymoon phase to last forever.While men think more logicaly, women think more emotinaly.

So I guess my question's are.If you fell out of love with some one did you ever really love them?And why is it women seem to say this the majority of the time?And finally how can you ever trust when somebody say's they love you?How can you be sure the won't "fall out fo love with you" down the road?Be it 1yr or 20yrs later.

[hcochick]

you know i've seen this happen with my friends. i know that i love my guy, because we both think logically. people say they " fall out of love " because of fights or different points of views. but its just ridiculous. fights happen.. thats what goes on between people nobody is perfect. if you can " fall out of love " you didnt really love them to begin with.

 

but alot of people just say it to say it.

[lgirl]

andy stone - i think you're seeing what you want to see:

I have also noticed that this phrase seem's to come from mostly women.I think that is because most women expect the gitty honeymoon phase to last forever.While men think more logicaly, women think more emotinaly.

 

that is BLATANTLY untrue!!! - certainly in my experience + i have read MORE posts on this forum about people's exes (male) claiming they fell out of love with their partner than i have read women doing the same to their exes. so i think it's only fair to say that NEITHER gender has a monopoly on using that phrase (though i personally err towards saying it's more of a guy thing...).

 

anyhoo, as far as trusting someone when they say they love you, i have wondered the same thing myself (following my bitter break up with an ex who told me he loved me more than life itself!), and all i can think now (sadly) is that you should take it with a pinch of salt. they love you at the time they say they love you, but (sadly again!) it seems it's not something you can take for granted... the depressing thing is you can never be sure how long their love will last, no matter how brightly it burns to begin with

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Andy..sorry you had to hear those words....

 

I have NEVER said those words..but I am guessing what she might mean is she is no longer attracted to you. Maybe that "spark" is gone...and that could come from many things....boredom, she found someone else, she's depressed. So many factors. I DO think it is a mean and hurtful thing to say you "fell out of love" with someone you have professed to love.It does cheapen what you had...but I think many people think that is the best way to say it, rather than "I just am no longer attracted to you". Somehow they think this softens the blow, when in fact it doesn't.

[kellbell]

Ok...

 

In my experience, I fell out of love for several reasons....

 

Number one, my needs were not being met and I think that is a very common reason why people, especially women, fall out of love with their partners. My partner could have all the best intensions in the world but if my needs are not being met on a continual basis, then it makes it very difficult. Which can tie into neglect, neglect is some form of abuse. How you love someone who abuses you?

 

 

Number 2 reason, people grow, people change. People realize they are on a different path than their partner. You need those commonalities to grow from but if you don't you will grow and grow apart. But even if their are commonalites, people just grow apart. The problem is, you are trying to use logic here, and there absoultely no logic when it comes to feelings and how people feel. There is no rythme or reason in why or how a person feels, they just do.

 

Number 3 reason, abuse. Verbal, mental, emotional, physical, all those reasons come into play, and women are more vulerable to abuse. I am not saying it doesn't happen to men, but you wanted to make generalizations towards women in your thread.

 

Women tend to be more emotionally mature compared to men. Women tend think and act based on their emotions whereas men don't. I tend to suspect men act on gut instincts.

 

Did I love my ex's? Absolutely! There is no doubt in my mind that I did. But I believe there is a reason for everything, I guess the love didn't last because they were not "the one" for me. So I see my past relationships as a growing and learning experience that will prepare me for the person whom I am going to marry. Life is a journey, and break-ups and relationships are part of the journey. Life is not about candy and roses, there is going to be hurt, pain, disappointment, all of which, we don't like to admit, makes us grow and learn.

 

The problem is, the 20s, is a such a volitle decade for most. So many changes happen throughout those years. I mean I am NOTHING, I MEAN NOTHING like I was when I was 20. I wanted different things, thought differently, acted differently. When I was 20, that seems like a lifetime ago. So much has changed for me since then and suspect this is the same for many.

 

So I would really try to not try explain emotions and feelings logically. Can't be done. They just are. Interesting post but I don't like being generalized either. I hated knowing that one day that I realized I didn't love the person I was with anymore. It terrified me and I was like, what happened?? I didn't get any joy of it whatsoever. Anyone with a heart or feelings would very upset about it. So that's my take on things from my personal experience. So Andy, I resent your post a bit because I don't like being generalized like this. A break-up is extremely painful for both parties involved. I am sorry you were hurt but things like that happen.

[Bigbilly]

I think yeah, people either just say it to say it, or use it as an excuse. My ex used it as an excuse to save face in front of her new friends, and kinda left the rest of the reason silent. "I just fell out of love with you ...because there's this really hot guy here I want to sleep with!"

 

I think it makes a wonderful excuse, because it just sounds so unstoppable and natural ...when the real reasons they may have aren't so clean-cut or palatable.

[Beec]

People fall out of love for the opposite reasons that they fall in love. We gor for the people who meet our emotional needs or wants, and do it while being independent and aloof, not needy, clingy or demanding mcuh in return for what they give you. In other words, they do something for you, but don't act like you need to do something similar or the same in return. You show you care about them for example, and don't act like that means they have to care about you.

 

Now, when your needs are not met, either because the person stops paying attention to them or because they change, or because they keep giving and giving so what they give becomes taken for granted, or a combination of all of these, then they can stop being in love.

 

Love is a bargain, we want a good deal.

[Jut]

"Love is a bargain, we want a good deal"

 

Beec

Thats so right. And most of us wont differentiate between buying clothes and bargaining. Buy somehitng, wear it for a while, Return it to get a new piece.

But somehow that tells me all of us are selfish deep down inside and would do anything to make ourselves happy. Probably thats the way we are programmed.

[talo]

From the book "Power vs Force" by David R Hawkins M.D. Ph. D.:

 

"What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotionality combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism and novelty. It is usually evanescent and fluctuating, waxing and waining with varying conditions."

 

The author goes on to write of "a love which is unconditional, unchanging and permanent".

 

As seen here, the former is 'fallen in and out of', the later is true love.

[Dogg]

I feel for you completely. I more or less heard those words disguised as "I feel that something is missing." She never came right out and said that she didn't love me anymore, in fact she said the opposite, said that she needed time to figure things out, low and behold , I have not seen her once since she broke up with me. Everyday I ask myslef what happened for her to feel this way after being together for three years, but of course it is to no avail. I may never really know the truth. you should not question yourself in any way is something that I have learned, it is our ex's that have the problem for whetever reason they may have it, it is their issue not ours. I know that it is much easier to say that than it is to actually believe it, I too struggle with that thought every day. Believe me, you did all that you could, we can not make our ex's love us the way that we loved them, it just doen's work that way.

[Beec]

From the book "Power vs Force" by David R Hawkins M.D. Ph. D.:

 

"What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotionality combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism and novelty. It is usually evanescent and fluctuating, waxing and waining with varying conditions."

 

The author goes on to write of "a love which is unconditional, unchanging and permanent".

 

As seen here, the former is 'fallen in and out of', the later is true love.

 

You know, I think all of us have our emotions rise and lower. We all have moments when we want to show our partners that they mke us feel wonderful, and we want to make them feel the same at times. And if you are together for a while, there are times when you want to be left alone and/or when you want to leave them alone. I think the cycles happen to each of us.

 

When is it true love? When in the moments when you just want them to leave you alone, you still do not want to think of being without them.

[newby]

Hi Andy, I am sorry to hear that you have suffered in this way. Wanted to point out though that my husband of 20 odd years has just said that same phrase to me. His justification for having an affair. Women get hurt too.

[talo]

When is it true love? When in the moments when you just want them to leave you alone, you still do not want to think of being without them.

As seen here, there is no 'when' associated with true love, true love being permanent. True love just does not come and go.

 

Likewise, true love, being unconditional, is just not conditional.... including not being conditional on being left alone, wanting/not-wanting anything a certain way, or anything else.

 

This does not mean that true love excludes the impermanent and the conditional. If true love excluded anything it would not be unconditional would it...

[sukerbut]

my girl also fell out of love with me..she told me she just did not feel it any more...i felt that i gave and gave she did give back but only in the middle when she was really into me...i think what happened was that we both starte resenting one another towards the end..i felt like i was giving too much and not getting enough in return..she felt pressured because i woudl express my lack of happines towards her not giving me enough...she just got out of college had a lot of pressure gettign a job...her mom was a bit cookoo and then she had me bickering and acting like a baby...but here's the thing...she was a priority in my life..i was not in hers..she had so many other things going on that eventually she got tired of giving. she would show up late for our meetings without even calling me to tell me she would be late..she stopped communicating with me like she used to..in july she was madly in love .. by mid-august i felt her pulling away. the arguments would be weekly..i would just forget about them and try to fix things but she would build on them and escalate them to another level. i tried making an effort to make things better, she was making an effort to buid enough conviction against me so she could feel better about breaking up with me. towards the end it got so bad that she told me . i dont even want to hug you or hold your hand any more..OUCH! she attempted a number of times to have me break up with her, but i did not want to lose her..eventually the inevidabe happened and we ar eno longer to gether..i wanted it she did not...it hurts.. real bad..especially since i heard the same phrase from her mouth 3 ties..i just dont love you liek you love me. this si the 3rd tie she had done this to me..i dont know if its because she is only 22 and i am 30..or because we just are not compatible..when we hang out we have the best time..i just dont get it

[Juha]

Sukerbet in the same boat as you my ex is 22 and needs to mature...

 

She told me after prodding her that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore...What the F##k is that???

 

So what does she do???Goes back to her old ways and starts seeing a vebally abusive person who is a recovering??? heroin addict and treats her like crap...

 

Boggles my mind and she says that she knows what love is now after meeting this loser....

 

SHe is just Fu**ed in the head and needs to mature...SHe keeps going out with these abusive losers...I was the only real guy she has been with all others have had issues...

[nosoul]

okay so from what i know and i know u guys think its pretty little is this it doesnt happen all at once it is a time thing. it happeneds gradually.and when evenutally the love is all gone they have to say goodbye and they tell you the reason.

[itreallyhappened]

Ya when a women says she no longer loves you, I think that you have just grown apart. When you break up with someone after time you don't love them the same way you did when you where together. It is almost the same thing even though you are together, she or he might be drifting away from you and along with it the love.

[sukerbut]

well tehn my quuestion to you on fallign out of love is can it happen in a onth..july iw as hwer favorite person..aug..trouble started after a super vaction feilled with happiness and smile..sept come and now you dont love me any more..i can understand if it was over a period of 4-6 months , but one month? is that possible

[novaseeker]

Sure it is, but it's likely the seeds of it were present before then.

 

I mean I had a good time with my ex a month before I broke up ... and I may not have broken up had he not done what he did ... but at the same time during that month I could feel that we were drifting apart, I knew it was happening, I knew my feelings were changing and so forth ... it rarely happens quickly, but sometimes the realisation of it does happen quickly.

[sukerbut]

yeah i guess you are right..i just dont uderst mid july i she told me not to break her heart..we are going to get married right? and the week before the vacation i saw us bickering alot..as soon as we got back thats when i really started noticing...i think she liked the idea of marriage..for a brief moment..i also think she realized ..wait a sec..this guy is 30 and wants to get married soon..i am 22 out of college looking for a job..this is just not going to work..so she started i would not say necesaraly falling out of love voluntaraly but forcing the situation....knowing that i would want to get hitched sooner than her..it just sucks..i relaly think thats what it was..she is not really the marrying type. not now any ways. i dateed a young girl before who weas dying to get married because thats what she wanted out of life..this one wants her carrerr etc. so i do respect her, but i also dont understand why we could not suceed together..wrong place wrong time wrong people

[novaseeker]

It could be that she was not ready and was scared by the idea of that kind of commitment. It could very well be that. But ... there isn't anything you can do about that, really. It's hard when people are at 2 different stages of life, because sometimes the life goals don't really align, even if you have a lot of fun together.

[Cooperstown]

People fall out of love all the time. It's not that te feeling is gone, its that its grown and morphed into something different, something less intense and less breathe taking. Just as any relationship grows and changes the feelings that go along with it as well. People grow apart all the time its a difficult thing that generally leads to hurt, but that's the nature of the beast.

[renaissancewoman101]

Once the feelings start going away, is there any way to try and bring them back? Meaning, if you start to observe that your SO is losing feelings for you, is there any way to head it off at the pass and salvage something from it????

[novaseeker]

Once the feelings start going away, is there any way to try and bring them back? Meaning, if you start to observe that your SO is losing feelings for you, is there any way to head it off at the pass and salvage something from it????

 

It depends, I think.

 

If there is good communication, and it's discussed early on in the process, I think it's possible to address underlying issues, in some cases, that may be leading one person to have a cooling of feelings for the other.

 

Trouble is that much of the time things are not communicated (that is the person who has the cooling feelings does not share that) until the feelings are quite cool indeed, perhaps because they themselves are denying that this is what is happening. Once you get to a certain point in that process, it's very hard to reverse it, in my view.

 

So, yes I think it's possible if it's caught early and discussed openly.

[Cooperstown]

I agree with Nova is the issues are brought up right away and it's something both of you are willing to work on then yes.