I am extremely confused. (HELP)

[Desolate]

Hello,

 

I recently met this incredibly beautiful and intelligent girl, and we hung out for four nights in a row (about five hours each night) last week, and she made it clear that she was interested me. She was very flirtatious, and we gazed into each other's eyes many times. Well, the last time we hung out for several hours was Friday night, and we held hands for a long time in the car. Saturday and Saturday night, she was at a wedding. Sunday night, we met up for a little over an hour and got coffee (she had homework to do for the following day, so she didn't have much time to spare). Then, before we parted ways, we kissed, and it was entirely mutual. After this, she posted something in her blog saying that she loved everything about me. Well, last night, I went to her last ever high school Christmas program to support her. After the event, she had many friends around and everything seemed very awkward between us. For some reason, I had it in my head that she was losing interest (I had this idea for a couple of days prior to last night, actually). I don't know...I guess I'm just very critical of myself.

 

Anyways, I talked to her last night online and told her that if she was just interested in being friends, that would be fine (even though I'm falling head over heels for her). I told her that I thought she was beyond amazing (I have told her so several times now), but I wasn't going to pursue someone if the interest was not mutual. She told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted (but said this uncertainty had only started that day, despite my worries) and acknowledged how awkward everything was, but assured me the interest was mutual...she really does like me. However, she is confused and needs time.

 

I know for a fact that she is scared about getting into relationships because of bad experiences with them in the past.

 

She text messaged me today, and we also talked online. I told her that it seems like everything is a mess right now, and she said that's because it is a mess. She still seems to be concerned about me. She went out with friends, but said to call if I needed anything, and she asked what my plans were for tonight. She said it would be cool if I called her tomorrow.

 

So, yeah...I'm beyond crushed right now. It seems like someone has died. Absolute misery. I've never had feelings like this for anyone before, and to know that I may never hold her again just rips me apart.

 

I want to go to this open mic night on Thursday, and I know she will be there. Should I go? I told her that if I went, I wouldn't bother her, and she never responded to that statement.

 

I hate this. I was on top of the world five days ago, and now I'm miserable.

 

I'm sorry for the long post; it's just that I had to get this all out.

 

Any help would be extremely appreciated.

 

Thanks much.

[ShySoul]

You haven't known each other long but you spent 5 hours a day together for a week straight. You both say you are falling head over heels. And you sealed it with a kiss.

 

Think maybe she is afraid you are going to fast?

 

Being that intense that quickly is scary. And if she has been hurt in the past, she is probably even more scared. She's feeling like things are going 100 mph and the limit is 50. So she needs to slow down. It's nothing you did, and its not a sign that things are over. You should still see her and talk to her, just not as much. Talk everyday, but not 5 hours. Give her time and be patient. She does like you, she just needs a guy who is going to be understand and there for her, until she can resolve her feelings and get things back as they were before.

[Venturer]

I actually agree with Shysoul this time. Too much too intense too fast. Hanging out with her 4 nights in a row, 5 hours each night? Wowza!

 

You might want to space it out more, and stretch that over a longer time period. Hang out with her 2 times a week, a couple hours each time... unless you actually have a HOT DATE and end up spending the night with each other ;-) but that's besides the point. The point is to not hang out with her everyday for hours and hours a day, which is too much too fast. And it also makes you look like too available and that you're dropping other parts of your life to be with her. You guys may have been on cloud 9 during that time, but keep that up, it'll tank from there.

 

And what the heck where you thinking when you told her if she wanted to just be friends it would be fine even though you admitted that you were falling head over heels in love with her (again, too much too fast)?? What did you have to gain from telling her this? I don't understand why you had to tell her this. Did she pull back, and you started over-worrying, and is it possible that your worrying manifested in your actions, and those actions created this "mess"? Maybe I'm missing something?

 

No wonder she's confused. She thought you really liked her, and she really liked you... but then you played the "just friends" card. You know how you feel when a girl you like says she just wants to be friends? It stings, right? Yeah, that's how she's feeling now... and even though she still likes you, she's put up a wall between you and her so she can keep herself from getting hurt further.

 

As for what to do next... well... I'm not sure. I'll hand it off to PocoDiablo from here, if he reads this thread He'll tell you what you might want to do...

[ShySoul]

LOL. You mean you don't usually agree with me Venturer? This time? Oh man. Guess I'll just have to find a way to impress you more.

 

Desolate, you weren't wrong in sending so much time with her. Both of you enjoyed it and wanted to do it. You did what was right, you followed your hearts and went where it took you. You didn't worry about appearing desparate or clingy like a lot of guys and try to play games with her. You spent as much time together as you guys wanted, and you were rewarded with great times and her falling for you.

 

Odds are this issue would have come up regardless. Spending all the time together just quickened it.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you said you were ok with just friends because you felt like she was pulling back that one night. Her being distant caused you to wonder if she was into it like you were. So that was your way of finding out where everyone stands. You said you wanted more, but also left room for her to figure out her feelings. You didn't exert pressure on her to decide right away or try to push your towards you, you were just honest with her. You want more, but above all else the friendship is the most important thing. That's admirable.

 

She had already shown hesitation before you said the word friend. So you saying it wasn't a death sentence as some people will tell you. What you did was good. It shows her that you respect her enough to give her the time to make up her own mind and that you are comfortable with her decision. I did the same thing when a girl was confused between growing interest in me and an ex who wanted to get back together. Wasn't long before the ex was out of the picture and I was in.

 

I hope this works out for you. Just be her friend and give her a little more space. Talk to her regularly. Hang out sometimes. Keep showing you like her by the little things you do. But don't come off as trying to make her decide right away.

[Venturer]

Well, Shysoul, for the past few years, I did EXACTLY the things you advise guys here to do... and I thought the same way as you do. Where has that got me? Nowhere. At worst, I got burned badly. At best, it kept me on this board asking for help with women. Now I've learned my lessons and I'm ready to do something different. That's why I disagree with most of your posts, or at least I think you make some good points but for the wrong reasons or within the wrong context.

 

Anyway, the "hesitation" before this guy said the word friend may not necessarily be a bad thing because they were already spending 24/7 together. They surely cannot keep that up forever, so sooner or later someone has to pull back and get a breath of air. Had he spaced it out and stretched it out over a longer time period and saw each other twice a week, he wouldn't have freaked out over her "pull back" because they only see each other just twice a week as opposed to every night for a week straight. And as far as I know, had he not freaked out and played the friend card, everything still would be fine - unless he's not telling us something important.

[ShySoul]

Those experiences aren't because of the methods. It has to do with bad luck, bad timing, and bad people you've come accross. Believe me, if it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Everything I've said has worked wonders for me, but things beyond my control have gotten in the way: distance, them being in relationships, not being ready for a relationship as she just got out of one, past experiences leaving the girl so messed up that she couldn't commit.

 

Doing those things put you on the right track. I'll admit, if what you want is lots of dates with lots of girls as soon as possible, what I say doesn't get you that. But if you want a real relationship that will last, that's where my words lead you. And my reasons are simple to be a good person and to do the right thing. I'm not even trying to get relationships, as those come naturally when we are being our true authentic selfs and just focused on doing what is right.

 

Depending on his personality, desolate could have freaked out even if they didn't spend as much time together. If he developed the same level of feelings, the hurt would be just as bad, it would have just took longer to reach that point. It doesn't matter if you've spent a lot of time together during a short time span, or if you've spent a long time span but consistently, it still hurts.

 

Desolate, any updates? How are you feeling?

[Venturer]

Fine, if it works for you, more power to you. But it did not work for ME, and I seriously doubt that it's due to bad luck, bad timing, and bad people. Man, that's just a cop-out... you know that. That kind of thinking only serves to avoid responsibility and accountablity for yourself and how you conduct yourself. Look, I don't want to waste any more time being oh so sweet and understanding when all the girl is doing is stringing me along and making excuses to spare my feelings, only to have a bomb dropped on me in the end!

 

Now, I don't want to hijack this thread by this back and forth between me and Shysoul... so Desolate update us on your situation.

 

And Shysoul, if you REALLY have to get the last word in, PM me instead of posting to this thread. Thanks.

[ShySoul]

Last thing I'll say so as not to hijack the thread. But those things can't be cop outs. When in the course of a year you've had 2 girls say they love you, cuddled with those same two girls, kissed one of them, talked marriage with one, had another couple openly say they were interested in more, had lots more heavily flirting.... why does anything need to be changed or addressed?

 

If the girl strung you along, I'm sorry. But its not reason to be bitter and change your whole attitude. Don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch and get to you like that.

 

Ok, Desolate, sorry for the interruption. I now turn it over to you. What do you think?

[Dating Coach]

Those experiences aren't because of the methods. It has to do with bad luck, bad timing, and bad people you've come accross.

 

Wow. So when does someone accept responsibility? I don't know but personally I find it to be very immature to always blame outside factors when the only common denominator is me.

 

But if you want a real relationship that will last, that's where my words lead you.

 

More insults. I am in a real relationship that has lasted almost 3 years. We live together, sleep together, go out together, talk together, spend time together, love each other, etc. I do all of this everyday. This was the result of a relationship that started when I introduced myself to her, talked to her all night, and then asked for her phone number. I'd say that I have had some major success in finding a real relationship, and obviously it's lasting since I have it everyday and it's still here.

 

How's your relationship? I hope it is going as well as mine is.

 

___________________________

 

To the OP,

 

Hey man, sorry to hear about that. I'm going to give you my opinion on what happened. You can either take it or leave it, it's up to you.

 

From all of my experiences with friends, dating, relationships, etc, what I think happened is not so much of you coming on too strong, and not so much of her being "hurt" in the past. Sheesh, that's a common excuse... It's like my dog ate my homework... I think that you wigged out and lost control. This is based upon what you said in your first post, so if there is more to the story please add and I will correct my advice, but you said that everything was going great, she was totally into you, making out, fooling around, telling her friends, etc. Everything that you could hope for. Then suddenly you went into explaining how you started to have doubts, you started thinking she was losing interest, and these doubts led to some awkward moments when you went to see her at the Xmas Program. Then this lead to you having the "talk". You see, what I think (based on your first post) is that she lost interest because you began wigging out, making things awkward because it got all inside your head and you started worrying and second guessing. If I was a girl and a guy started becoming a head-case when I thought everything was perfectly fine, then that would cause me to wonder what is wrong with you and that you had some security issues. I think that if you would have just relaxed and let things flow naturally, then there probably would never have been this problem.

 

You know, I did this same thing in the past with a girl. Back then i was every bit as confused as you are and after it all ended I was devastated. It wasn't until years later and after I kept an open mind that I finally realized that I had done the same thing you did. Believe it or not, my younger brother started dating that same girl out of the blue over the summer and she pulled me aside one night and asked if I cared that they were dating. She still thought I was that head-case worry wort. I told her that I could care less, and that i wish them the best. I also told her that I know I was a head case back then due to my inexperience with dating and everything I told her that I thought I did wrong, she confirmed that it was the truth. She verified what I now know.

 

What you should do now IMO is back off. Obviously she is overwhelmed at the moment from the high powered start to this mind boggling confused state you brought into the situation. I'd just back off and say, "Hey it's cool if you want to go do your own thing, because that's what I am gonna do. If you decide you want to go out sometime, give me a call, and if I am single we can go out." And leave it at that.

[ShySoul]

Desolate, I believe in you. I sense a great guy in you and your heart will guide you to what is right. When a women has been hurt before, it is not an excuse, it is honest feelings and emotions that have caused a deep scar and affected her in ways she might not even be aware of at the time. Handle it with the utmost care and respect, take her at her word. Do it not to "get with her." Do it because you care for her, want to help her, and because it is the right thing to do.

 

Oh, and doing that gets you a lot once she has worked through her issues. Believe me, the time and effort is worth it. I mean, kinda says a lot when a girl says you are the best she's ever had.......