porn -why do they look?

[kubelwagen]

The problem is with me, I realize that. But I can't help how I feel and how I am. So what am I supposed to do? I love my boyfriend, but I simply cannot accept porn.

 

I am the controlling one, but please do not think that it is all about me. (He is a submissive person in general to begin with.) I give my boyfriend everything he needs. I am affectionate, I am kind, I love to do nice things for him. I support his hobbies and his interests, and whatever he does. I am encouraging, and I try to help him through his own issues. But I have special needs that the average population doesn't, because of borderline, and again I can't help that. I try to keep it under control, and subdue myself, and most of the time I can. But sometimes I just snap. Our whole relationship does not revolve around me and my problems though, believe me.

 

I worry that he won't be able to stop watching porn. But I believe he will try, and that in itself means a lot. He is a wonderful person, he really is, and I think his conscience will stop him. Even if he goes to look at it, the guilt will be flooding his mind, so the pleasure will be gone from it. And this is just what I hope, reality may be completely different. But he didn't eat, he didn't sleep, and I don't think he's stopped crying for 4 days. I sent him some random pictures of me, and he started to cry. He started to cry last night, because I used my "silly voice" and he said he would miss it. He just feels terrible in general, and we are both way overstressed.

 

A good thing that came from this! Jon now wants to be more open with his mother, and he wants to know her better. They stayed up until 2 am talking about everything. He also wants to tell her he loves her more. Awesome!

 

Another good thing, he wants to try to be a better person in general. He says he wants to be a man that I can marry, not a boy. He hadn't gotten a job or tried... because he "can't." It was a constant issue, and he really felt like he couldn't. But he has now gotten applications and made phone calls, at several different places!

 

I think that in the end, this whole ordeal will turn into something positive. I'm hopeful, and just a little sad.

[novaseeker]

The problem is with me, I realize that. But I can't help how I feel and how I am. So what am I supposed to do? I love my boyfriend, but I simply cannot accept porn.

 

I wouldn't say it's a problem with you at all. You don't have to like porn or approve of it or have it in your life if you don't want to. That's not a problem, and you have a right to be the way you are.

 

What I would say is that it may be harder for your BF to be without porn than you think. But certainly if he is willing to try, give it a go! I would say, however, that if he tries and fails and tries and fails again, I think it may be a sign that he may never stop looking at it, and it may be time to seek out someone who doesn't look at porn like he does, because after all you deserve to be with someone who will make you happy.

 

Even if he goes to look at it, the guilt will be flooding his mind, so the pleasure will be gone from it.

 

Eh ... often it doesn't work that way. Sometimes the idea of it being forbidden makes it that much more alluring, despite the guilt which comes later. The guilt rarely interferes with the pleasure, but it does create self-esteem downers in the aftermath of the pleasure.

[kubelwagen]

Well here is another thing. I know he gets really horny sometimes, and he can't help it, he just wakes up that way and all he thinks about is sex. I feel like he could have came to me, and asked me to help him out. I would have taken pictures of myself.. or talked dirty to him.. or whatever he wanted. (He says he didn't think he was allowed to ask me something like that.) He says he looks at porn because it makes him think of sex, that he doesn't really want the girls in the pictures. He says any other time he masturbates, he ONLY thinks of me, and I believe him. He doesn't look at girls in public, he isn't interested in all. (I think I like to look at pretty girls more than he does!) So if I could make him think of sex, do you think it would make porn sort of obsolete? Or is it the dirty nasty girls that make porn so great? He says the girls in porn aren't really "somebody," they are just pictures. I mean.. I think I am desirable, especially to Jon. I have the body that women get surgery for! But my name isn't Luscious Lucy or anything like that (lol) so would it have the same effect?

 

He was also very selective about the girls he looked at. He liked the ones that were the most like me. Pale, different looking, natural. Should I take this as a compliment? And if it was just to make him think about sex, why was he so picky?

 

I think now that the initial shock, the "OH MY GOD HOW COULD HE DO THAT?" part is over, that I am more understanding. If he can't stop looking at it, at least he tried, and usually that is all that I ask. If he feels like his hormones are out of control, then I want him to come to me first. If I'm not around, and he has to look at porn.. then I will be hurt.. but I'll get over it. I love him enough to accept his faults, and he is a teenage boy after all..

 

Bah! I don't understand men!

 

And I'm sorry that I write so damned much.

[novaseeker]

Well here is another thing. I know he gets really horny sometimes, and he can't help it, he just wakes up that way and all he thinks about is sex. I feel like he could have came to me, and asked me to help him out. I would have taken pictures of myself.. or talked dirty to him.. or whatever he wanted. (He says he didn't think he was allowed to ask me something like that.)

 

Well, these are all things to discuss with him, I think. It may help.

 

He says he looks at porn because it makes him think of sex, that he doesn't really want the girls in the pictures.

 

This is generally true. Porn is a fantasy. It's not that he prefers the girls in the pictures to you, it's that he is using the pictures to achieve a sexual release.

 

He says any other time he masturbates, he ONLY thinks of me, and I believe him.

 

Be skeptical of that. It's not really normal to only have sexual fantasies about one person. Of course, that doesn't mean that you ACT on those fantasies, but still they exist for most people.

 

So if I could make him think of sex, do you think it would make porn sort of obsolete?

 

Probably not. It's generally the availability, speed and ease of the sexual release offered by porn that is the attraction.

 

And if it was just to make him think about sex, why was he so picky?

 

Probably because many people a particular appearance that turns them on more than others.

 

If he feels like his hormones are out of control, then I want him to come to me first.

 

That's a good plan! Seriously you should discuss that with him.

 

Bah! I don't understand men!

 

The key points to understand are (1) men are much, much, much more visually stimulated than women are on average, (2) men have a higher libido on average than women (and hence perceive stronger sexual tension and need for release than women, again on average) and (3) teenage guys are raging barrels of hormones.

[kubelwagen]

I alternate between feeling forgiving, and feeling sick. I think that I am just going to have to accept it after all, and push my feelings to the back burner. Because what guy doesn't look at porn?

[oneboardus]

Hi Mandymay...I understand what ur saying...I actually walked in on my boyfirend at night in the livingroom getting ready to masturbate to porn... I was upset because I was sleeping and he left and went to the computer. I showed him that I was upset. He told me that he tried to put the moves on me but I fell asleep. But, then I asked myself why I was so upset and the answer was I was jealous...I wanted to be the girl that my man masturbated too...or did I? My boyfriend does a lot more then that for me so those girls that he is masturbating to is just that...."masturbation girls" Your the girl he loves and cares about! This is petty, and the sooner you see that the sooner you will develop a healthier relationship with your man.

Hope this helped.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I am sure that if I had a woman I wouldn't need a porn... unless I felt naughty and dirty and wanted to do what they were doing on the video. But even then, I'd rather me and my love sharing our own fantasies.

 

This truth may hurt. I could never masturbate to a porn while in a relationship unless I am not getting enough nookie, looking for a variety to spice up my masturbating skills or lusting after a specific porn star. Or seeing an act on video that I want to do with my girlfriend but she doesn't want to do or I haven't approached her about it yet.

[novaseeker]

I alternate between feeling forgiving, and feeling sick. I think that I am just going to have to accept it after all, and push my feelings to the back burner. Because what guy doesn't look at porn?

 

Oh you can find men who don't look at porn. They're outnumbered by those who do, but they're out there.

 

I would recommend discusssing this with your BF, but if its upsetting to you, don't just put that on the back burner, as it were. You deserve someone with whom you are compatible .. don't settle.

[TiredMan]

What this tells me is that you don't really care about what HE wants. You said yourself, that you hope he feels so guilty that he doesn't get any pleasure from it. He feels bad because it bothers you. What's next? You don't like him wearing shorts for some reason so you guilt him into that too?

 

It's good that you admit what you have but perhaps you shouldn't be involved unless these things don't pop up at all. I'm sorry to have to say but when with someone who will snap out of nowhere, the other person will end up getting very hurt.

[coollady1957]

Actually TiredMan, my BF is the one that brought up porn first and said it was something he would never go back to. THen at that point i gave him my opinions on it. BTW i am not the original start of this post.

[kubelwagen]

novaseeker, thank you for helping me. I do appreciate it a lot =)

 

I asked my boyfriend again if he ever thinks about other people while masturbating. And you were right. But they were mostly lesbian fantasies.. and for some reason I find this funny and not upsetting at all. He thought about my best friend and I (she's hot!) making out. He says he would try to think about touching one of us, but he didn't like that, so he would go back to normal. Boys are so silly, why on earth are lesbians hot?

 

I think as long as I am somehow involved in his sexual fantasies, then I am completely okay with it. I would even experiment for him.. But he says if I really kissed a girl he would be jealous. Oh well.

 

I feel certain that he is trying to be completely honest with me. I can tell that it's hard for him a lot of the times. He has told me a million times that he thinks anal sex or anal stimulation is disgusting... And he just came clean and said he used to touch himself there, but then he decided that it was really sick.. And that's why he didn't want anything to do with it. I know that was hard for him to admit.

 

I might someday be able to understand porn.. I know now he doesn't want the girls in the pictures, it just makes him think of sex.. The girls aren't real. I guess that makes sense? I still don't want him to do it, unless he just can't stand it and he's about to fall over if he doesn't get some sexual satisfaction! I want to make this my last post in this thread, because I feel like I can handle it alone now.

 

I feel really optimistic that me and my boyfriend will get through this.

[TiredMan]

Ok then please don't post on a PUBLIC forum if you don't want people to respond with how they feel.

 

I just called what I saw from what you wrote. I have seen it before. But instead of seeing the possibility, it's easier for you to feel like I am attacking you or something. Sorry, that's not the way it is.

 

What I am doing is saying what I think from what you wrote. You can't handle it? Then don't post it publicly. Thanks.

[kubelwagen]

I came to this PUBLIC site because I had no one else to help me. This is an advice site, is it not? Where people come to get support? To get help? And you aren't helping, so maybe this isn't the forum for you.

 

I personally feel you just like to argue and put others down. I asked you not to respond to my posts unless you were trying to help me. That's a reasonable request, is it not? But instead of respecting that, you had to argue with me about it.

 

Goodbye tiredman. You tire me. THANKS.

[TiredMan]

No, I am just telling you what I feel from what you wrote and you cannot handle it. I do find it odd that you say I like to put others down while you have been attempting to just that lol.

 

Again, this is what I got from what you wrote. Just because you don't like what I had to say, please don't act in that manner about it. What if I am right? Do you not care if you might end up hurting him badly?

[kubelwagen]

I can handle it fine. I just think it's unnecessary and unhelpful.

 

Of course I freaking care. But what am I supposed to do about it? My boyfriend and I have talked about this a million times. He understands my condition, and I do my best, and he does his best. And that's all we can really do.

 

I admit, I don't like what you had to say. I was probably too defensive. And for that I am apologizing. So I'm sorry, and I'd like to end this so I don't feel like I have to keep responding. Truce?

[1babylove]

Personally, I don't approve of porn watching. I see it as there is something wrong with me or the sexual relationship. Especially if we've made porn. I am an adventurous women. I've done everything in bed with this lover. I don't see what the tempation is? Why? I hear its visual. But what about respect for you lover? Why do something that you know will hurt them, knock them down a few notches, and why do it if you have really good home porn? I'll never understand this. I will never get why men do it. I try, I really do...its just a different way of thinking and believing. I just, believe this:

 

I am a bit of a Taoist, and I believe that if you are in a loving, sexual relationship with someone, you outta be saving all, or at least the lion's share, of your sexual energy for your partner.

[TiredMan]

And that is the problem, I believe, in a nutshell. Women "take it personally" if a guy watches it to masterbate. Heck, some women get offended if a guy masterbates AT ALL. They say "why do that if they have me". There are a thousand reasons to be honest. Stress relief, just to feel pleasure without having to go through the whole act, feeling it quick without having to please your partner at that time, etc.

 

For me personally, even if I had sex every single day of my life, I'll still find time for it. It's like taking a warm bath. It relaxes me. And most of the time, I watch vids to get me there faster.

[novaseeker]

It's an amazingly huge issue for many women.

 

I'm not sure it has to do with masturbation ... women masturbate as well, and some of them masturbate as much as many men do.

 

In looking at all of the numerous threads on this issue, I think the consistent themes that come accross are (1) women don't relate to how visually stimulated men are (often opinions are expressed to the effect that the woman wouldnt care if the man were creating images in his head whilst masturbating as opposed to watching them with his eyes), (2) women believe that if a man feels the "need" to view porn, she must be considered inadequately attractive by him, he must be comparing her to the women in the videos (unfavorably) and he must be dissatisfied sexually (because after all *she* wouldn't view porn videos unless she were unsatisfied or her husband was inadequate), and (3) the images depicted in the videos are disturbing because they are at odds with what the man actually does sexually in real life (take your pick here: barely legal fantasies, lesbian fantasies, BDSM fantasies, anal sex and so on ... keeping in mind porn is all 100% fantasy).

 

I think these are the common threads that I see. I think there's a lack of understanding, as has been pointed out by many men (and some women) in these threads, but it seems to be an issue that is very, very hard to change one's mind about. Hence why I recommend surfacing this issue in a relationship (rather than hiding it or lying about it) and addressing it as a sexual compatibility issue, rather than viewing it as a "OMG HOW CAN THEY LIKE THAT" issue ... because the latter can really be applied to any kind of sexual incompatibility, really, and isn't relevant. I think that a woman who has a complete distaste for porn is entitled to have that view, and should definitely seek out a man as a partner who shares it ... they do exist. But please don't try to force that view on other people (men and women) who may not share it, on the basis that it is somehow "objectively superior" ... because it isn't.

[kubelwagen]

And that is the problem, I believe, in a nutshell. Women "take it personally" if a guy watches it to masterbate. Heck, some women get offended if a guy masterbates AT ALL. They say "why do that if they have me". There are a thousand reasons to be honest. Stress relief, just to feel pleasure without having to go through the whole act, feeling it quick without having to please your partner at that time, etc.

 

For me personally, even if I had sex every single day of my life, I'll still find time for it. It's like taking a warm bath. It relaxes me. And most of the time, I watch vids to get me there faster.

 

Well, I don't think the woman is the whole or only problem. The way I, and other women like me, react to porn is only natural to us. Watching porn is apparently the most natural thing in the world for men to do. So as both sexes are just doing what comes naturally, then no one is really at fault. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

[TiredMan]

Well, I don't think the woman is the whole or only problem. The way I, and other women like me, react to porn is only natural to us. Watching porn is apparently the most natural thing in the world for men to do. So as both sexes are just doing what comes naturally, then no one is really at fault. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

 

On the most part, women are also more emotional too. There are exceptions to this of course but I am speaking in general terms. Should the guy threaten to leave because a woman is more emotional that they are? They would really be cutting down potential mates by taking that route.

 

Some people think a man should never hit a woman even if she hits him. Does that seem natural to you? Not at all.

[ShySoul]

Well no one should hit anyone, but if she hits you, then not hitting her would be raising above it and trying to find a better solution. Hitting doesn't solve anything, so why sink to the level that she just did?

 

Also, what about the reverse scenario? I responded to a post today where it was the guy who had the problem with porn while the girl didn't.

[AwdreeHpburn]

"ok first of all my boyfriend doesnt look at porn..."

--------

Yeh - right! Is that what he tells you? Well that's probably very considerate and wise of him considering how you feel about it.

[TiredMan]

Well no one should hit anyone, but if she hits you, then not hitting her would be raising above it and trying to find a better solution. Hitting doesn't solve anything, so why sink to the level that she just did?

 

Also, what about the reverse scenario? I responded to a post today where it was the guy who had the problem with porn while the girl didn't.

 

You will ALWAYS find exceptions. There are 75 year old men who like underage children too as disgusting as that is, does that mean that it's the norm?

 

Anyway, I don't hit people unless they hit me first. Otherwise, they think they can continue doing so.

 

Ta_ree_saw said it right. With women who are that self conscious as to worry about their guy watching porn, many of these guys end up having to lie about it and then the woman wonders why lol.

[ShySoul]

The guy makes the choice to lie about it though, the woman doesn't force him to. Lying about it is a bigger issue then the porn itself usually. At least if the guy is honest, then everything is out in the open. But when the guy lies, it reinforces the girls insecurities. If porn is really nothing and he loves her, why sneak around about it and pretend he doesn't watch it? Keeping things a secret tends to validate people's points, make them more suspicious. Because if you have nothing to hide and its not wrong or meant to be hurtful, why lie about it?

[TiredMan]

The guy makes the choice to lie about it though, the woman doesn't force him to. Lying about it is a bigger issue then the porn itself usually. At least if the guy is honest, then everything is out in the open. But when the guy lies, it reinforces the girls insecurities. If porn is really nothing and he loves her, why sneak around about it and pretend he doesn't watch it? Keeping things a secret tends to validate people's points, make them more suspicious. Because if you have nothing to hide and its not wrong or meant to be hurtful, why lie about it?

 

Because female reactions to those things can go way overboard. It's not like he is cheating on her. I'm sure there are always things that people hide from each other. As long as it's not cheating or something major, then I don't think it will hurt. They lie because even if everything else is perfect, a woman who views it as a negative (thinking why do it if he has ME) and it ruins everything.