porn -why do they look?

[mandymay]

arg!!! what is with males and porn????? I think that if you love someone you will not be wanting to look at someone else's body and lusting over it. I think it is just wrong no matter what. there is no "its all a prefrence" if my boyfriend looked at pron I would feel betrayed and that would hurt me more than anything in this world. to feel that he felt he wanted/needed to look at another womans body, and that hurts. I dont care what guys say to defend their behavior. or girls who look at porn for that matter, it is just as wrong as sleeping with someone else. it hurts you just as much. and it is just another sick escuse to lust after other people while with someone.. and I have never heard someone in a LTR say "oh the thing that keeps us together is his/her porn sites" and another thing that is lost in this is trust... if I lose my trust in my significant other, I have nothing left....

[TiredMan]

Because one has nothing to do with the other. Now if someone turns down sex with their partner because they would rather look at porn, then there is a problem. If they look at porn to masterbate, that is fine.

[byates5637]

There are many reasons guys look at porn and i dont think you should be offended by it.

 

When somone wants to get better at something what do they do? They study and observe professionals doing it and try to learn from them. The average human who has limited sexual experience can gain a lot of knowledge about all sorts of sexual acts by watching porno.

 

 

I have been dating this girl for 3 years and i love her to death. However she has always been too shy and closeminded to try alot of the sexual things that i enjoy (anal, oral, role play...etc) So i watch porn and fantasize about the type of sex i wish my girlfriend would give me.

 

Maybe if you try something very out of character for yourelf in the bedroom to spice up your sex life, he will cut down on the porn watching.

[Bigbilly]

You don't know a whole lot about what makes a guy tick, sexually. A guy can go from zero to horny in a matter of a few seconds, and for men, arousal has a lot to do with visual stimulation than it does for women.

 

I am a bit of a Taoist, and I believe that if you are in a loving, sexual relationship with someone, you outta be saving all, or at least the lion's share, of your sexual energy for your partner. However, every guy is gonna, at the very least, sneak in a little "alone time" here and there when his lover isn't around and he's feeling a bit aroused by something.

 

Obviously, if it becomes an excess, than it is a legitimate concern. The reality is, your boyfriend is probably going to masturbate while he is with you, and yeah, there's a good chance that it's going to be while lusting over anothers body. If you have a problem with that, you can either go lesbian or learn to have sex with yourself, because there's not much you can do.

 

Consider this, though; whomsover he may be thinking of during those private, intimate little sessions with himself, it's *you* he is with, it's *you* he makes passionate love too, and, unless he is some sort of weirdo, he would never give you up for all the porno in the world.

 

Consider that.

[lillady898]

This is one of those topics where everyone's personal reality is the reality they stand by

 

If you think it's wrong due according to your values and morals, then stick to that and find someone who is compatible with you in that area.

 

On the other hand, if someone enjoys porn, they should find someone who doesn't mind it as well.

[theantibarbie23]

I think that if you love someone you will not be wanting to look at someone else's body and lusting over it. I think it is just wrong no matter what. I dont care what guys say to defend their behavior. or girls who look at porn for that matter, it is just as wrong as sleeping with someone else. it hurts you just as much. and it is just another sick escuse to lust after other people while with someone..

 

There are many people whom don't mind their mates watching porn or see things from such a blatant black and white perspective. I could really care less if my boyfriend is watching porn or even going to strip clubs for that matter. It doesn't bother me if he looks at another girl because the insecurity isn't there. I trust him, know he loves me, and we have a great sex life.

 

If it's not broken, I don't intend to try and fix it.

[Mrocza]

I think it's more of a personal thing. It may be upsetting to think of you S/O gawking at a half-naked girl and getting aroused, but the reality of it is, for most guys arousal and love are two different things.

 

Guys are visual creatures. Porn is visual stimulation. Because the guy watches porn and masterbates does not mean he thinks of you any less or is comparing you to the surgerically enhanced chick.

 

It's all about fantasy.

 

I'm pretty sure there's been times when you've though of some sexy celebrity and gotten aroused and it didn't affect your love for your S/O. It's not betrayal...it's not "real".

[wex]

what is with males and porn?????

I dont care what guys say to defend their behavior

Well that doesn't leave much room for discussion now, does it?

[mandymay]

ok first of all my boyfriend doesnt look at porn, if he did I would be hurt and it would be over. and as for you byates5637( So i watch porn and fantasize about the type of sex i wish my girlfriend would give me.) that is what i am talking about . you are wishing that your girl would act this way doent that mean you are not happy with her and the way she is? how would she feel if she knew? and i do not need to look at naked pictures of men to figure out how to get better... I have bad temper and i worn you that i am getting mad.... I am italian--i am sorry . but this i feel strongly about and maybe i do not understand .. but i know that i do not like it, nor do i think that guys should just get off saying that they can get away with looking at all these different women all the time becouse its "just the way they are"

[Mrocza]

mandymay- why are you so ticked off about this? If your boyfriend loves you and you know he does it should not bother you that he looks at porn. These days, you turn on the TV or flip through a magazine and you get exposed to more sex than in the time it takes to pop in a vid.

Because a guy watches porn doesn't mean he isn't satisfied. Sure, it may be a little insulting to think he's thinking "Oh, I wish she were more like..." but guys are actually really easy to please. You shouldn't get offended because more often than not, when he's looking at porn, he's REMINDED of you.

[TiredMan]

I have bad temper and i worn you that i am getting mad.... I am italian--i am sorry .

 

So you get mad. So what?

[Relationship Coach]

MM,

I'll respond to this in a way that addresses both genders since you mentioned it and it does go both ways.

 

In general, porn is an outlet for stimulation without attachment. It's like most people would prefer to masturbate in private. It can point towards some serious relationship issues as well. It also could be a direct reflection of what the relationship is lacking or what the partner is desiring as opposed to what he has(gender, race, body type, kink). Often it can become somewhat of an obsession and lead to other forms of infidelity. In some relationships it is concealed, this in itself is mental cheating. You're crossing a line but in a unobtrusive way. If it is a known fact to both partners that porn is being looked at by their partner whether it be on the net, videos or magazines it tends to become less obsessive.

 

Is looking at a dirty magazine cheating? The number one selling Playgirl magazine was the Brad Pitt issue, it's total sales were higher than any other issue including Playboy itself. So what this is saying is women came (no pun intended) out of the anti-porn closet to see Brad's Pitts? Everyone has fetishes, some much stranger than others as you can only imagine. My question is did this thread just "pop" into your head to start or are you feeling betrayed and hurt more than anything in the world?

[mandymay]

ok i guess i am alone in this, sorry if i offended anyone i still have to say i think it is moraly wrong and i guess i am the only one alive that thinks that way. but thats ok. we all have that right .it does not change the way i feel

[Mrocza]

Relationship_Coach-

I agree. It could lead to issues but not necessarily. I think communication is key in any relationship. I've stumbled accross my boyfriends magazines, even flipped through a couple with him. I know he does it and I know it's not damaging to our relationship because we don't let it become an issue.

I think it's important to understand and classify what exactly is partner betrayal within your relationship.

[mandymay]

ok i hope that my boyfriend would not do that, but i guess i have never asked him about it. maybe i am afraid that he might agree with you all, thats why i dont ask. becouse i know that if he does then i will be hurt. and i dont want to be. and i have been thinking about this for some while.

[Relationship Coach]

Fairie16,

 

Very good point! Those that find this behavior offensive are often the one's that get cheated on or left. Communication is the key. Understanding each others likes and dislikes is important. Knowing what each others boundies are is vital. Being closed minded is a death sentence.

[Mrocza]

ok i hope that my boyfriend would not do that, but i guess i have never asked him about it. maybe i am afraid that he might agree with you all, thats why i dont ask. becouse i know that if he does then i will be hurt. and i dont want to be. and i have been thinking about this for some while.

 

I can understand why you'd feel hurt. My best girlfriend is the same way...she would FREAK if she knew her boyfriend so much as glimpsed. And it's not always to do with insecurity either, because she's got a huge ego

But it is important to talk about it and try to understand those strange creatures we call men It may be upsetting to think about, but you've obviously been stressing about the possibility for a while. What about even mentioning the thought of it bothering you. It's important to talk about that too, not just that he agrees.

[RescueDiver]

I hate to break this to you mandy, but you boyfriend probably has, does, or will look at or see porn at some point. Especially if his friends find out he's never seen it. It would be a shame for you to dump the boy for something as silly as that. I know it's been said before but what guy in his right mind is going to take porn and masturbation over intimacy with a real woman.

 

The comment byates made is a little ridiculous too. Trying to learn sexual technique from a porno movie is like trying to learn how to fly the Space Shuttle by watching videos of the launch and landing. Sure you might get a new idea or two... but that's about it.

 

As with everything else all guys are different, but when I'm in a relationship with a woman I lose virtually all interest in porn, along with other women in general. Are all guys like that? No, but just because a guy watches porn doesn't mean that he's unfaithful or lusting after another woman. Besides, your man lusting after Jenna Jameson is hardly a threat to you... trust me on that one.

 

I have actually been fortunate enough to have been in a couple of relationships where my girlfriend actually LIKED watching porn. Now, we didn't start off every lovemaking session with one, but every once in a while we'd rent one. Now, does that mean that the girlfriends that I've had that hated porn and thought it was disgusting were inferior to the others? Of course not. But if one of those girlfriends had forbid me from watching porn, I would have had some serious issues with that. Not because porn is that important to me, but because of the underlying issue of why porn is that big of a no no.

[mandymay]

that makes sense to me and i know that he might and i would not hate him for it. but i know that i would be hurt. it all comes down to the fact that i know i would feel that it ment he didnt feel I was good enough.ok maybe not all cuz i have always thought looking at a pic of a naked person was wrong in some way of morals.but I have another question for you i want to ask him but i am afriad. (we have known eachother for 3 years and dating for 1 yr) I dont want to just bring this up but it is someting i want to know... you would think that asking would be easy but i am afriad of the anwser mostly....

[RescueDiver]

If you're afraid of the answer then it's probably not the right time to ask because it sounds like you're afraid of him saying "yes." On the other hand not knowing can be even worse. At least if you know the answer you can deal with it right?

If you can bring it up and have a healthy discussion about it... I'd say go for it. Tell your boyfriend your thoughts, feelings, and fears about it. Let him answer "yes" or "no" first, otherwise he'll feel like you're pressuring him for a certain answer. Tell him that you're afraid that it might mean he doesn't feel you're good enough. I'm willing to be that he'll be sensitive to your concerns and will be supportive with it. Just make sure you don't get defensive about it. If you've known each other for three years (and together for a year) you should be able to have a good heart-to-heart about it. Don't worry about having to "lead into" it either. Just tell him you want to ask him about something and ask him.

[lovenut01]

Hi,

 

Thought I would throw in a perspective. ( may have already been said, but mandymay is the only one this is for)

 

You are right there is not excuse for looking outside of an intimate relationship for intamacy, even if it's secret and alone, but let me ask you this blunt question... do think he masturbates alone or in the shower, do you know and if so who does he think of then, because there is no porn then, just his mind? Have you ever masturbated? ( a personal question that I do not expect a response from), but ask yourself that one and who you think of? because on a primal level we as humans are weak fleshy things, where men try to gather a brood of women and women look for a single, stable, dominant male. Now throw in a few thousand years of evolution and men and women are still at the same game, just now both are on level playing feilds where men and women are expected to keep simular values. Religion teaches us the moral values of keeping a single mate, and I agree with that, but it is in temptation and selfishness that cause a man / woman to revert to that primal mode. This does not justify anything, but more over just shows that he, like millions of other men who truly love there girlfriends / wives keep that brood secret, for fear, for the desire to NOT HURT YOU, to satisfy somehting they may not even be consious of.

 

 

Just a thought.

[byates5637]

 

The comment byates made is a little ridiculous too. Trying to learn sexual technique from a porno movie is like trying to learn how to fly the Space Shuttle by watching videos of the launch and landing. Sure you might get a new idea or two... but that's about it.

 

Thats really a terrible comparison

I could have sex when i was 15 with little to no knowledge of it. However, i have been through 13 years of public school and three years of a physics program at my university and i still could not fly a space shuttle.

 

Heres better comparison

Trying to learn a sexual techinique from a porn video is like trying to learn a workout routine from an excersize video.

[RescueDiver]

Heres better comparison

Trying to learn a sexual techinique from a porn video is like trying to learn a workout routine from an excersize video.

 

No it's not... and when you're a little older you'll understand.

[Luciana]

Rescue driver, so why are your "understanding" GF's who liked P ex-GF's?

[mandymay]

luciana, thank you for some understanding -seems we are the minority huh? I just feel that guys have used the same old excuse for looking at others for a long time and I am so tired of hearing it. makes me wonder if there is such a thing as a guy who would only desire us.,and not every woman with a shape that walks by... and I have to wonder how these guys would feel if we women constantly looked at other guys,thinking how we would like to see them naked..... ok now I am rageing on ALL guys and I know that it is not fair....I know that there are some (maybe more than I have seen) nice, decent guys out there.. and by the way I have finally figured out one reason that I know it is just wrong .. like it or not.."But I say unto you,that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her in his heart." mattew 6:28. now if you guys wanna argue with me thats fine, and I guess if you really want to you can argue with God... but I wouldnt if I was you. and by the way -he is not a imaginary friend. I know that haveing faith is also not the popular trend around here.. but I know that he is real - and there are so many things you can never prove but are true- my favorate quote " you cant see the wind but you can see the effects of the wind. there's a mystery to it " I dont want to start some kind of fight or anything -just want to let my opionion known.. and that is it...