Maybe you guys can help me

[chaos]

So, my girlfriend dumped me a little over a week ago. I understand why, and she's right. I had forgotten that relationships take work and I wasn't doing my part. I was taking her for granted. I also was very insecure about her guy friends and was always asking if I should be worried about them, etc...

 

I've had a lot of time to think about things. I'm going to change those things because, that's not the person I want to be. But, I really want her back. I've tried to tell her I'm a changed man, that I really want to work things out. She just doesn't believe me, she's convinced no one can change and that I should move on. I've told her that I know that if I didn't change that I would lose her again and I would never risk that.

 

To make matters worse I keep getting mixed signals from her. She'd made one comment about how if we got back together things would have to change. Another about how part of her wanted to work things out but that a larger part was hurt and until the part that wanted to work things out was all that was left that this was the best thingto do right now. Then, finally, yesterday morning, she told me she'd think about it.

 

I was feeling pretty good until last night. She was taking me to pick up my car and we started talking again. I'd asked her to coffee that morning and she agreed. That night I'd mentioned how I'd made plans for the weekend (very out of character for the old me) and was seeing a movie on sunday. So she said we should forget the coffee because she didn't want to get my hopes up. I asked why if she was going to think about it. She said that she didn't see me changing, that even if I did it would only be for a few months. She wasn't willing to risk it, that she could find a hundred guys that would treat her like I did. People never change and I should just move on.

 

I'm very confused and hurting. A couple days ago I wrote her a long letter. She loves getting handwritten letters in the mail. Yesterday morning we swung by the post office, (she's been taking me to and from work since I've been without a car). She grabbed the letters to throw them in the mailbox and saw that one was for her. She stuck it in saying I'd already used the stamp and it would give her something to look forward to. Basically, in this letter, I bear my soul to her. I point out everything I did wrong, why she was right to be hurt, telling her why I'm going to change, and to give me another chance because I know I can make her happy. I don't know when she'll get that letter, possibly today.

 

Unfortunately, today she's also having a couple friends come over to help move more stuff out of our apartment. I'm still clinging to a shred of hope that maybe the letter will convince her. She's the most wonderful person and it kills me that I ruined what we had together and that I hurt her. I want nothing more than to make it up to her and make her happy. I thought I had a chance but, after what she said last night... I just don't know anymore. I want us to be together again, I want us to be happy. I'd even bought an engagement ring wasn't going to ask her on our 2nd anniversary Nov. 8th...

 

Any advice you guys an give me, or any insights into what she might be thinking? I need help!

 

Thanks,

 

Matt

[djedix]

I also was very insecure about her guy friends and was always asking if I should be worried about them, etc...

 

Well this right here... What is this about? was she putting you into situations where you had to question her? Was she hanging out with other guys without you or something?

[chaos]

On occasion she would go to lunch with a guy and she talked to her guy friends online a lot. I know there was nothing going on and I know she would never cheat on me... But my paranoid mind kept worrying about it anyways so I'd always be looking for reassurance. I think my constant need for reassurance made her feel like I didn't trust her.

[kellbell]

Without trust you got nothing. Bottom line. I don't know, depending on she reacts to the letter, I think her desicion is pretty final. It gets very draining when your partner has no faith in you. Believe me, I have been there. I truly hope things work out for you both but if they don't come here a lot, there is a ton of support and advice here.

[Day_Walker]

You cant show a person that you have made changes in your life in less than a week. I suggest that you learn from this situation and move on, realize the mistakes you made and dont make them next time.

[chaos]

I'm going to try and move on, but I can't stop hoping. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't imagine I'll ever find someone as wonderful as she was. Esepcially right now... I can't even see myself being with anyone else... I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had together and all the things I should have done differently.

[Frank1607307300]

I went through this phase and as hard as it will be, you need to focus on yourself now. I felt exactly as you did at the point you are at now. Day_Walker is right and you cannot change in 1 week. Talk is cheap. Take out time and make changes for you and not for her. Show yourself that you can change and others will see that. You will feel better about yourself by building self confidence. I think its time for you to tell her that you will need time to yourself and work on YOU. Go into no contact phase and let her feel how it is going to be without you. Let go and stop pushing her away because that is all you are doing right now. You're hurting youself in the same process and you need to STOP the bleeding. You say you are going to change and you know what changes for YOU is needed...now is the time to DO IT! Stay focused and use your head now. Stop worrying about what she is thinking because it will only make your mind go crazy. Make a plan and be PATIENT

[normal man]

You sound like me when I first came here. Im a month broke up now and I'm still miserable and think of her often. I've gone out and meet people and enjoyed my time single cause it's the only thing you really can do.

 

I did the same as you with the trying to convince and saying id change and such. While she wont believe it and wont stay around to see, i know i will change and will change for myself and for someone else and not her. Thats all you really can do at this point.

 

I did the same with neglecting the relationship and acting like it was more of a hasstle than acting like i enjoyed and loved her. In reality I did and still do love her, but i had personal things i was down on myself about and it feed into the relationship and drove her away. Im guessing your situation is very similiar.

 

She is probably right that she could find 100 guys like us that neglect a relationship and maybe you need to just let her do that, and possibly she'll come back to you. I wouldnt wait hoping on it, but it could be possible.

 

I had a terrible breakup before my most recent one and we didnt talk at all and she almost had a restraining order on me cause i was hounding her and not giving her her space. Two years later we started chattin online just cathing up, this was while i was in my new relationship. After the new relationship ended we started talking more and can see each other out and hang out and chat like friends. I have no heavy hopes or desires that things will happen with us again, but you never know....Im telling you this just cause when people are part of your life that deeply, they'll never just not think of you and memories will always be there. You just need to show you've improved yourself and be in the right situation.

 

Dont try to convince her not to leave, she already has her reasons and if you plead you'll just push her away.

[hk87]

I say still propose on the 8th. Have a N/C between now and then, but tell her you want to take her out on the specific date. Just say you need to talk etc. This might not be the best advice, but if you truly love her, you will need to change, and most likely her aswell. Relationships are a two way thing. It needs understanding, trust, and committment on both sides.

I know it's hard, but only you know whats best in this situation for you.

 

Take care, Hk87

[HajiMaji]

I'm going to try and move on, but I can't stop hoping. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't imagine I'll ever find someone as wonderful as she was. Esepcially right now... I can't even see myself being with anyone else... I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had together and all the things I should have done differently.

 

I feel you man, trust me - i feel you. But i promise promise promise you will find someone wonderful for you. I know you dont want to hear this but it is so EASY to idealize our former SO's Esspecially when WE made the mistake. She is probably and extremely amazing girl and i am sorry everything is going on - but there are lots of amazing people on the planet earth.

 

Time heals all my friend. Give it some time. The memories will fade. Of course you cant imagine being with someone else, because your heart still thinks you are with her. The brain is something we can turn on and off. We can control thoughts. The heart sort of runs free. It doesnt know yet that you arent with your ex.

 

Who knows what will happen. I wish the best for you man. Stay tough and happiness will come your way.

[chaos]

Everyone says give it time, but, how much time? I know it's only been a little over a week but I still have to force myself to eat and I still can't sleep at night... When does it at least get bearable? When can I sleep at night and eat normally again?

[normal man]

lol, I wish I could tell you my friend, I really wish I could. I've gotten much better but I still dont sleep well at night at all. I can get to sleep but since my mind is all messed up and trying to cope with my situation I wake up all during the night and can never get back to bed.

 

It's strange how one person can mess us up this badly eh?

[heloladies21]

Well here you go, you need to stop blaming yourself for the break up 1st. This wasn't your fault and she can't fully explain the emotions she's feeling so she made up some excuses. You don't have to be perfect in a relationship and she surely wasn't either, so remember, this wasn't your fault.

 

Next it's time for No Contact phase. Let her figure out her confusion. If she realizes what she lost, she'll try and get you back. It has to be this way or else it won't work out. But plan on moving on because break ups aren't a good thing to begin with. Start talking to other girls, even just casually.

 

But whatever you do, don't become her friend. That will not win her back for sure.

[renaissancewoman101]

For me, it took over a month before I could finally sleep better and eat ok. Although there are times that I still think of my ex and I still cry about him. My ex lives about two hours away from me so the only time I will see him is if I make the effort to go down to his area.

 

I saw my ex last Thursday. I was glad to see him but it has set me back a bit on my healing. He is still not interested in getting back together with me and although he wont admit it to me, I think he may have found a new gf. Talking to him was good and bad. I was glad to see him again, but to see how cold and distant he was to me, tore at my heart. He has always been affectionate and loving to me, even till the end. To see this side of him makes me sad since I have never known him to be this way.

 

Like you guys, I took him for granted. We were a couple for two years. He wanted something long term with me. Things were great the first year. Last year around the same time as this year, he broke up with me. That lasted only a week and he came back to me because he missed me so much. We tried to make things work out. I tried to like the stuff he liked, do stuff he liked, etc. Things were great for a few months and both of us thought it was for forever. He gave me a heart pendant with diamonds in it, for Christmas. I had my brother build him a PC for Christmas. Things were great until Feb, when I suddenly lost my feelings for him and everything he did started to annoy me and make me angy. That is one of the scariest feelings to have in a relationship, the sudden loss of feelings for your SO. I had never had that happen to me, and this was with someone who treated me like a queen, was always there for me, and put me first. My lack of feelings for him scared me so much that I shut myself down from him and started pulling away rather quickly. I stopped seeing him so much, stopped doing stuff he liked to do, and I began to criticize him for small things, etc. He reacted by chasing me hard, trying to do anything in his power to get me to love him again. I just stopped and began to take him for granted. This lasted through the summer, and he warned me that we had to work on our relationship or else it would die. He tried hard, I didnt. I dont know why I didnt but I just didnt care anymore.

 

Now that he dumped me, my life is turned upside down and I would do anything to get him back. I spend each day thinking about him, wondering what he is doing, etc. Now, I idealize him all the time and want him back SO BAD. I think part of the reason I lost my feelings for him was because I was going through some hard times then with the loss of my grandma, the death of some of my pets, and problems with my parents.

 

I want so much to adapt myself to him again and have him take me back, but he is adamant he doesnt want to date me again. I am just hoping maybe in the future he may change his mind. I just have to go on living until then.

[Juha]

In the same boat as you Renwoman I had issues and she left now wont even listen to me and does not want to be with me, wont even try to talk/work it out...I have now been working on me and am so much better than before some people want to know who I am now...She wont even look at me or cant admit I have worked and changed for the better.....

 

Wants to move on to the next loser in her life as that is all she has gone out with except me...Her family tells me this, she even told me she makes poor choices in men....

 

What do I have to do???

[chaos]

So, it's definitely over. She got the letter I sent. The letter pooring my heart out, telling her all the things I did wrong and why I would never do them again. The letter telling her how much I loved her and missed her and how I would never hurt her again. She told me she appreciated what I had to say, but that she was going to move on. She said it hurt even more to hear me say those things because I should have done them while we were still together. I had my chance and I blew it. Then she started to get kinda nasty telling me to go show what I've learned on some other girl because she was too tired and too drained to deal with it.

 

So, here I sit, angry, sad, alone. I still miss her desperately but, clearly things are hopeless right now. Perhaps someday she might be willing to work things out but, it won't be anytime soon. I think we've entered the NC phase. She asked if I wanted to be friends and I told her that, in time, I'd like that. Then she told me that until the next time we spoke to have a good life... I feel like crying again...

[Juha]

Sorry to hear that chaos...SOme peopel don't believe in going back to something that did not work the first time....To me that is stupid and selfish thnking as sometimes people have problems and if two people really love and care for each other then another try at some point would be good...

 

But alot of people have expectations that things should be easy and never need work in a relationship...They can't let go of what happened in the past even though it is over...They ar afraid to look at the other person and see that they really worked on themselves and are changed but yet they won't admit it and think there is something better out there....

 

I hope you can deal with this and be the person you have strived to change to without this having to much of an affect on you...

 

You can only take care of yourself and that is all....

[chaos]

I'm afraid now that maybe I won't be able to change. I'm worried that I'll screw up again in the next relationship, if there is one. I feel like I've lost my motivation for change and what's the point if I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm just kinda lost and confused right now. I don't know what to do next. All I do know is that I don't want to go home at night to the apartment I've only known with her. I don't want to see the things she hasn't taken yet and I don't want to see the empty spots where her things used to be. I'm scared because my job is going to be ending soon and I don't know how soon I'll be able to get another one. Without her help, I'm left with a rather large financial burden that I can just barely manage with the job I have now. But even worse than that is the fear that once this job is over, I'm gonna have to sit in that apartment alone, all day, for God knows how long, with nothing but the memories of what used to be.

[heloladies21]

Dude, why would you want to change? It wasn't your fault, you have to drill it home. It's her mistake, it's HER FAULT! Do your best to get a job, any job asap. Apply everywhere. Staying busy helps a lot.

[renaissancewoman101]

Chaos, yes staying busy helps a lot. During the week I work so that helps. Lately, on the weekend, I have been helping out with a guinea pig rescue and that helps me forget about the ex. I love guinea pigs so helping out the rescue has been very therapeutic for me. I even adopted a four week guinea pig to join my three other pigs. I have met some new people and made some friends. Mainly, I do it as a way to get out the house and keep busy.

 

With me, I have a double whammy to deal with. My ex broke up with me last month, and now my best friend is moving away from here next week. It has been hard for me to deal with all of this. There have been many days that I have wondered why I even want to live. Helping out with the guinea pig rescue, talking to my best friend when I can, etc. has somewhat assuaged some of my pain.

 

I may end up moving away from here to start my life over again. There is too much memories out here. I have never had a two year relationship with anybody and if healing from a breakup is as bad as this, I am not sure if I ever want to be in another relationship again.

[chaos]

I saw her this morning... I knew she'd be coming by the apartment today so I sent her an IM last night letting her know that I didn't have to work until noon. I didn't want to contact her but it was either that or see her if she came over at 10, which is my normal start time. Well, I guess she didn't get the message because 10am, there she was. I didn't say or do anything that could be construed as pleading, or talking about the relationship in anyway. She left shortly after to run some errands and she didn't come back before I left for work.

 

Unfortunately, seeing her brings some of those feelings back... It's hard enough missing her when she's not there. It's like she's a drug and not that I've seen her I want another fix. I want to ask her if she'll come back and work things out, tell her I miss her and I love her. All the plans for our life that I'd had and all the memories, they're all coming back again. She asked if I'd sold the engagement ring, I hadn't. She offered to buy it from me when she gets the money because she did really like it. I told her we'll see, I had a few other places to try besides ebay. I'd feel weird selling it to her. But her saying that, really hurts. If only she still liked me, she could have had that ring for nothing.

 

I know my only shot at her coming back is to give her space and hope she realizes that she wants me back. But it's so hard to be patient when you're hurting and, at the same time, I wonder if I'll want her back after what she's put me through. She wasn't perfect either and for her to put everything on me was unfair. Yes, I made mistakes, but I don't think anything I did was unforgivable... I didn't abuse her or cheat on her. I'm sure she made mistakes too, but the only ones I can think of I'm too easily able to justify and blame myself on, so I'm still not thinking clearly. I want to move on, but I'm still hoping she'll come back... I'm confused, hurting, and still missing her... I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, I'll never meet anyone else, and she's my only hope.

[heloladies21]

It doesn't sound like you're ready for No Contact yet. In that case tell her how you feel and want her to come back. Tell her as many times as you want until you finally convince yourself that it won't work. You need to accelerate through this phase as quickly as possible so you can go into NC and start healing.

[chaos]

No, I know there's nothing I can say or do, she made it very clear after I sent her that letter. All I can do now is give her time and space and let her figure out just what it is she wants in life. Maybe it'll be me, but I'm not gonna wait. I'm gonna at least try to move on with my life as best as I can and hope that things work out for the best.

[biacd]

I understand what you're feeling chaos. I was controlling with my ex too, i guess it got too much, that it made her lose interest in us, and she dumped me. I was in a really bad shape for a week. Why was it only a week? During that week, i was really stoned. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Name it, and u got it. It was TERRIBLE. But i thought about myself, and what i could do to improve myself. I didn't contact her much, i didn't even bring up anything about us.

 

 

 

I moved on during that week. I'm not saying i got over her entirely, but i was much better off. No more crying when i look at stuff that reminded of us both. I was much better.

 

 

 

One day, i asked her out, we had a talk about stuff. It was light in the beginning, and then our r/s came up. Well, she agreed to take things slow, and i was so on cloud nine!

 

The following day, she said that she didn't want to try again, and we shouldn't see each other till we're both completely over this thing. I was so confused. The pain was exactly the same as the day she broke up with me. I couldn't stop crying. I took everything we had, and stuffed them in a box. I told myself, and this time i was determined, to give up on her. I didn't even want to get back with her anymore. I couldn't take anymore of this, the way she's toying with me.

 

 

Well, guess what. We're back together now. She asked if i wanted to get back together, after i gave up totally on her. I didn't feel any love for her, i didn't feel comfortable near her. Maybe she sensed that i was going to move on without her in my life. I don't know. But we're back together now, and we're working on things. Problems that caused us to break up in the first place.

 

 

If she ever toys with me again, like telling me suddenly that she doesn't want to work things out, i WILL never ever accept her back in my life, no matter how much i loved her, no matter how much she begs me. I would have lost all my respect for her.

 

 

It really does feel good to see the dumper doing the chasing for a change.

 

 

Here's my advice to u.

 

You need to take this time and think about what u should change, and NOT contact her! STOP sending her all those letters if u ever want a chance of getting her back. i'm not promising anything, but pushing her away will never get her back.

 

 

 

There's no point in telling her you'll change. SHOW her that u've changed. But don't do it for her, do it for yourself, and for the girl that you'd be with in the future. That's the key. If it doesn't work out between u and her, at least u won't feel that hurt. I'm serious.

 

 

Stay strong! Listen to what advice people tell you, and make up your mind on which one to follow. Don't follow blindly.

[chaos]

Thanks for the advice, congrats on getting her back. I can only wish that the same thing would happen to me, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't plan on contacting her at all but it's really hard. I hear songs I want to send her the lyrics too, I think of things I'd like to say, even just small talk for a few minutes. I won't do it, but still...

 

It's been two weeks today. The past few days I thought I was getting better, but this morning I broke down crying again. I'm told greif comes in waves and apparently another one is crashing over me again. It's times like that that NC becomes the hardest. I keep hoping she'll realize she made a mistake and I'll hear her coming in wanting to talk, or that she'll call, IM, or I'll come home from work and find she's moved all her stuff back in and wants to work things out. Unfortunately she's pretty stubborn and she was so mean after I sent her that letter that, I think she's too far gone to ever come back.

 

Learning to live alone again really sucks. I get cold at night without her sleeping next to me. I get lonely because there's no one there to talk to and share things with. I get frustrated because I can't undo the mistakes that were made and I can't really show her I've changed when she's not around.

 

If I may ask biacd, how long was it between the NC and her wanting to get back together?