You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Hawk]

The thing I have found about my NC situation is that they do get angry at you - it is sort of like what do you think you are doing and even upset that you appear to be moving on - it helps to remember that NC is about you healing.

[coooolsome]

It gives them a dose of reality. They know you love them but they need to realize that you will not stay around. This is especially important in the beginning when you are the most vunerable. Once you are healed to the point where you dont think about your ex all the time, have the urges to call them, sit by the phone waiting for them to call....then if you really want to, you can call them and catch up. Its really up to you what you want to do.

 

As I said, 4 years of my life I shared with this girl. There will always be a connection with her, especially since we were each others first loves. I dont expect to be great friends anytime soon but maybe one day we can be. She knows me and I know her. She is closer to me than her own best friends. I am closer to her than my own best friends. We shared things that we will never with our friends.

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept that its over and to move on. I realized that the hope of getting back together keeps us from moving on. We are now different people and we can never start a relationship with our ex if we dont grow and move on. We are both different people. We are not the same as when we were in the relationship and we never will be.

 

Think about it. If you were 25, would you be able to get someone if you act like a 15 year old? 99% of the time, you would never be able to. You have to act like a 25 year old. We have to grow and move on.

 

Whatitis - So what if she thinks you hate her. Let her think whatever she wants. She asked for space and you are giving it to her. You are being strong for her. Eventually she will understand that. You need to do what you have to do. If she keeps calling and texting, you could let her know that you need time and space and she cannot keep calling you.

 

Its hard to ignore those calls, probably the hardest thing one can do but you will be stonger for doing it. Good luck and take care.

[flightymighty]

So, 12 days I have respected his decision for space albeit a **itty one (on his part.) and have not contacted him in 12 days. Yes I cracked twice and called his phone(blocked of course) in a moment of utter madness and panic.....left no message because he won't answer the phone and respond to my e-mail....for fear of me? Not knowing what he is thinking provokes within me a dreaded fear - the fear that the many proclamations of "I love you" are only meaningful in the moment and really mean, "I love you until you force me not to."

 

This is what I do. I don't believe in the scripted notion of "love" - it doesn't exist. Why? Cause the undefined definition of "love" is eternal and is not in the dictionary - please, love is not a feeling, it's an action. Let's save our breaths and utter "I love you" only to those who deserve your tears because they offer the hand to dry them. Silly to think how enveloped with one becomes - attached at the hip we are some might say. "He's my best friend, my soulmate, my knight and shining armour. RIGHT.

 

Interestingly, after a break-up we turn to friends and family because they are our only constant in our lives and we convince ourselves that they are here to help us. Is it love? of course it is - only because they don't have to endure the neurotic complexity of "intimacy". Well folks, friends and family can never give us the hope that this supposed "love" does exist...we all crave for that extra something....a caress, a soul to call our own - a reason to believe we are whole. We are all desperate fools. Love is a farce. I'd rather say, "I understand and accept you to death." Love is a theory; another concept derived out of greed...and we all buy into it. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, when a partner says "I love you," by no means are they saying, "I accept you."

 

Yes I am broken. Not because he got the last laugh and implented NC - I know he did this because it was the only way he could deal - and I am empathic and wise enough to not blame him...but it still hurts like hell. I am broken because I am truly human and kind but can only realize this by learning the hard way. I am not a crier but I can wail - I wail because I like YOU, believed it this time...or did I? "Love" but not "in love?" Please, "in Love" is merely infatuation. Loving someone is not an accident, it's a choice we make. Those who were once "in love" and split because they now only "love" the person - this infuriates me. Maybe those catholics were on to something when they deemed divorce as sin. I am far from catholic and have many issues with the dogmas. But, they were on to something.

 

Perhaps we need to blame the greedy little bastards such as hallmark and the brilliant creator of valentines day for all of our woes. They those selfish fools, led us to believe that "love" has rules; such as rose petals and gushing fools. "Love" is beside us, following us like a soft spoken white shadow - unheard and unseen - it's everywhere and that is why we continue to breathe. Romantisized love when it fails, is dark lloms over us as if to taunt us.

 

Our broken hearts fool us into believing that "love" comes from without - it doesn't......like peace, it comes from within. I am lucky...I have been privvy to this so called love three times...and the slaughtering never gets easier. Why? Because "love" has never conquered all for me....I have wanted it too. Why? Cause love is just a game and quite frankly, pretty lame. Choosing to be a partner with someone should not be idealized...it's like the weather. unfortunately, most run and hide in safety from a storm. Yes, we rejoice and play when the sun arrives; but we always in the back of our minds, devise an escape just in case there is another storm. Storms are beautiful...they are natural.

 

I can't eat, sleep, work, function not because my love just stopped calling and has gone NO CONTACT on me; I am an utter mess because my love, my best friend, my promised protector, threw me to the wolves to die alone....but he said he "loved" me....to death. This NC thing boggles my mind. I think it sucks and I hate it. You people say he needs his space to think.....I think it's as bogus as this so called "love" thing. NC stands for NO COMPROMISE and simply, NOT CARING.

 

Be wary people when you promise to someone your undying love. promise your chosen partner to see them through the cycle of nature. "Love" dnot conquer all - wisdom does. The personal wisdom that there is not a "one" out there for us; but rather the wisdom and capacity to recognize that "love" cannot perpetuate the euphoric feeling such as infatuation. Real love is a choice, a discipline, a well thought out plan. Buddha says that life is suffering. I think that love is suffering and once you accept the fact, it gets easier. I wail because I chose to stand the test of time but I didn't have the discipline to see it through. Now, I am broken and alone....again. Sorry for the rant.

[Lion-Guy]

All I can say is Wow!!!! Very impressive writing. I agree with a lot of what you say.

[OCD]

They are a couple **LISTEN CAREFULLY** BUT THEY ARE NOT IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. My point is, when people make minimal effort to be in a relationship and expect to be treated and loved the way they want to be loved, one needs to realize this while IN the relationship. When a break up occurs and somone didn't SHOW how much they cared or valued you while IN the relationship, how can you blame them for taking your pleading, begging and promises as false.

-Your Friend,

SuperDave71

 

Hi SuperD, I was reading this thread and saw the above...in my situation I don't see how I could have shown more love and caring for my ex than I did. I was the one to show up with flowers, go out of my way when needed, do all of the little things that I could...and she still left?? I've taken this time to work on communication because that is really the only thing I can think of that could have been better. I do think my ex has some communication problems but I do realize I can't change her, so I worked on myself and read many books regarding that issue...I've boiled it down to that my ex is reallllllly confused as to what she wants...she's completley giving me mixed signals at the moment with her calls every week or so...even now she's not communicating very well...it's almost like she's wanting me to do all of the talking, which I don't think is very fare, right? I'm continuing NC in hopes that she turns it all around and realizes that we had something special, which we did for almost 2 years...great relationship with it's ups and downs of course, but great!

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

Sometimes, people do not enjoy having something that is so easy to obtain. When you save money, and you buy something you have wanted for quite a while, its appreciated alot more than if it were just given to you ( at least in theory ). People can be this way as well. I have no doubt that you were the kind of person that did what you could for the other and you did it out of compassion and love. Challenges are what some need. Beinga little aloof sometimes can spark a flame if your not careful.

If you look at NC, what are you initially doing? You are doing the opposite of what your ex may be used to. It triggers something in all of us that allows the ex to wonder..."Hey, even though I may have been upset when they called ...I wonder why they haven't in a while." It happens. NC is nota game of cat and mouse. People need to understand that when NC is initialized, there should not be ANY futher contact whatsoever. Just remember, NC is for YOU, not the ex. You keep your chin up and worry about what YOU think right now, because in my opinion, you are the one that matters right now.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

Thanks SuperDave71, you always seem to put things in perspective for me. I really appreciate it! I'm heading out right now for a fun evening...wish me luck! It'll be nice to get out once again...Also, I will be aloof going forward, perhaps that's what my ex needs...like you said it might trigger something...and it makes sense that she might need a challenge. That sounds just like her...it's amazing, but I'm going back to NC, nada, nothing. If she calls I do have voice mail Thanks again SuperD; you're the best...talk to you later...

 

OCD

[Rickster]

OCD,

 

Sometimes, people do not enjoy having something that is so easy to obtain. When you save money, and you buy something you have wanted for quite a while, its appreciated alot more than if it were just given to you ( at least in theory ).

 

very true.

[keefy1972]

Ok, I've just read through this thread in one sitting, a marathon it was. I have to confess that I am a living example of how loudly what Dave preaches rings true. I came to this site, I believe, right around the same time as SuperDave. I can remember reading his very first post. I work with the one that broke my heart and felt it impossible to go full-bore no contact with her because of it. So here it is nearly two years after the fact and I don't feel I'm much closer to "loving her by letting her go" than I was when it first happened. I realize now, and am on my 7th day of strict no-contact, that it IS possible. Over this nearly two year stetch, I've done everything Dave says not to, calling, texting, e-mailing, and "accidentally" running into her at work. In these two years, I haven't gone longer than just 11 measley days without talking.. communicating with her in some form or another. Most of our interactions have been good, but as it always happens when not enough time to heal is given, we would have a talk about relationships, her life with her ex (whom she dumped me to go back to), my spilling my guts about how much I miss her, suffocating her with pathetic compliments, and so on. All of these things would set me back because they were never reciprocated. Leaving me to feel like garbage and question, "What's wrong with me?".

 

My point is, basically, please take heed in the advice given here. It's about you and not them. I am amazed at how many people post in here about NC and say, "I'm afraid they will forget about me" and am sure that's been a small fear of my own. In reality, Dave said it best when he said, "have you ever just randomly thought of an old friend from years ago? Of course you have". This is a fact and we all know it. Something that puts a positive truth on this is also that a key element in attraction is what? MYSTERY! NC, other than making you a stronger emotional person, also creates this air of mystery about you to them. Will make them wonder what you've been up to, how you may have changed, and will eventually make them "imagine" that you are just as happy as you can be without them. Don't you ever imagine that about them when you haven't heard from them in a while? Certainly.

 

I just wanted to get in on this thread, put it back to the top, tell Dave he's done great with it, and I would like an update from OCD.

 

Vhshowdown...if you read this, I just wanted to say hey. Alot of the same old same old here too.

[OCD]

Hi keefy1972,

First of all I can't believe you sat and read this whole thread. Props to you, that's amazing and must have taken a while...I've been dropping updates on other threads and created my own too. Basically I've been in NC for, well tomorrow will be 3 months. I actually called 2 weeks ago and got a great response from her(that's my 1 and only call). She opened up and it poured like water, how sorry she was about the way she ended it, etc...I haven't spoke to her since 11/4, Friday night when she called out of the blue again. She seems to call every week or 2. I was going out with a friend and she wanted to know everything about it and "wanted some company" which I thought was strange, but it was cool. It was a good conversation and got off because my friend called on the other end...about 3 minutes later my ex called back and was totally curious about what I was doing, with who, boy or girl, how, when, why I could talk to them and not her...So I told her that I'd call her back I had to run, but never did. She made me wait almost a month till she started calling and I figured I shouldn't call back and stick to me not contacting her; keep letting her contact me. I went out of my first real date this past Sat. Great time, cool person, overall building my confidence back up...I felt really good and went to the store on Sunday(this is on another posts, but is part of this update to you) ran into my ex...first time I've seen her in over 2 months almost 3. I didn't blow her off, I just smiled and waved; she did the same. As we got closer I said "Hi guys, how's it going?" Her and her son said "Good, thanks!" By the look on her face the wheels were turning. I could tell she had something to say and just couldn't get anything out. I just kept walking with a big smile on my face and said "that's good, bye". Afterwards I felt like I should have stopped to chat for a sec, but I starting feeling the pain inside. I was a wreck after I got to my car. Almost cried and got choked up...She didn't call, but I'm sure she's thinking about me just like I was her...I just kept it friendly...Other than that, that's the whole update. She hasn't asked for me back and I'm just moving forward trying to heal and not expect anything from her. All of the advice here is DON'T PUSH HER AWAY. So I don't, if she calls I keep it cool and I've also told her that I can't open up to her, for obvious reasons. I don't think she undestood and thought she could just call and find out everything. I mentioned that I couldn't really be "good friends" either because I'm healing myself. I think she understood that. I'm just sticking to NC and bitting my lip everytime I want to pick up that phone. I hope she comes around some day, but I'm really not waiting anymore. I'm meeting new people and I'm a pretty great guy once I think about it and have plenty to offer someone else even if my ex decided to through me back in the pond...That's about it for now and I'll be coming back here that's for sure. This place has gotten me through this mess. I still feel bad on some days, but other days I say to myself "You're fine, you don't need her, there's plenty of other girls that'll treat you better". Thanks for asking and I hope things work out for you and me Take care.

 

OCD

[keefy1972]

Thanks for the update OCD. Am glad to have read about all of the progress you've made. You are doing super!

[OCD]

Thanks, I'm trying. Some days are better than others, but I'm hanging in there. I just don't want to make any mistakes with my ex and I just want to heal up for what ever is around the corner, my ex or whom ever it is. Thanks again.

[lonelyfish]

Keefy,

 

Thanks for reposting some of Dave's quotes - those were really good! I often wonder about guys that I've dated in my past and that really hit the nail on the head with my current situation especially in regards to N/C. Gives me some inspiration to just stick with it and move on. Whatever happens with me and my ex I know he thinks I'm a great person, I couldn't ask for more than just that. He has lots of stuff to figure out in his life right now, and it wouldn't surprise me if I'm in his thoughts from time to time. OCD I can relate to your situation. Just hold strong and believe things happen for a reason. If it's meant to be it's meant to be but I know that right now it hurts. Somedays I feel great and others I just want to do nothing but sulk but I know I'm still healing.

[OCD]

Lonelyfish, thanks I hear you...I talked with a really good friend/coworker, she's great. I went over the whole ordeal from the weekend and she says "I handled it perfectly and to let her come to you now. There was no doubt that she's thinking about you. And no matter what don't call her and when she calls don't answer for the next few times..." It feels really good to talk to friends and share you progress, every little bit counts. For everyone out there take it one day at a time and share your progress with someone special to your family, friend, coworker, etc...When they tell you "you did the right thing" it really helps...those moments have been helping me move forward. I just thought I would share, I hope it helps...thanks guys!

 

OCD

[SuperDave71]

You can learn alot from a dummy!

 

 

and that dummy is me

 

 

 

 

-Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71 ( he he )

[OCD]

You're no dummy SuperD...and yes I've learned alot from you...thanks!

 

OCD

[ziggystardust]

hey...I don't know if I need advice right now, but that probably means I do. I have been keeping my cool...I think. My ex has been wanting more of my time, and we decided to work it out, and be a couple. I still am leery of what is going on...I don't have the stupid jealous crap in my head, but I don't feel entirely secure with the "new" situation. This girl was always way hung up on me...now...she can forget to call or come by. What is the deal...has she learned how to have game? I don't think so. feeling devious...like screwing someone else...just to get my mind even.

[Rickster]

keefy

"I am amazed at how many people post in here about NC and say, "I'm afraid they will forget about me" and am sure that's been a small fear of my own. In reality, Dave said it best when he said, "have you ever just randomly thought of an old friend from years ago?"

 

Well, I was one of those people who had this perception of "If I don't call they'll forget me". And I didn't really see that quote from SuperDave, but hey I found it out myself. Im on my 2nd stretch of NC. 2 weeks so far. And Ive already done 2 weeks of NC some time back. She hasn't called me. Well, Im going to break this NC soon. Both of us were on talking terms before this stretch of NC, but Ive no idea why I just fell back into NC, maybe it creates a more aloof feeling. I guess she's wondering why there's no contact.

[coooolsome]

Hey Superdave, how is your situation going with your ex. I havent heard anything in a while.

[OCD]

Hi all,

It's been 3 months to the day since my breakup...I've actually given up hope. This was my personal cut off time that I figured if anything was going to happen it was going to be within 3 months. So far the only thing that's happened is she did start calling, but no wanting to work it out talk or even misses me talk, etc. Also I got some answers as to why she ended it and the way she did, which was horrible enough...And I did run into her the other day and she didn't really make an effort to talk to me...So I feel like I've put enough energy into this and perhaps I should be on the other threads about breaking up, to heal...I started it off hear because I really thought there was a chance, because of the relationship we had and I still don't understand some things. I really wanted my ex back and I came here to get advice of what not to do in order to have a chance...I just need to give up, it's killing me and today really hurts. So I'm moving on...I just can't hold this hope forever...thanks again...

[lonelyfish]

Hi OCD,

 

What were the answers that your ex finally let you in on - were they that bad? I think it's too early to rule anything out - I think you have to expect the unexpected in life and to not expect anything. From reading your posts your ex seems to be confused still - you can't put a deadline on when and if she decides that she'd like a second chance with you. There have been times in my life that even if the perfect guy had come around I think I would have just passed on the opportunity. referring to Superdave's posts - yeah, I wonder about certain guys in the past now that I had dated and broke up with because I was confused. I would like to think my current ex will do the same thing in due time but by then I may have moved on...life is crazy - accept it, it would be boring if we got all our heart's desire, nothing would be there to challenge us - thus giving more power to the N/C rule!! Keep your faith and believe in yourself rather than believe in the fact she'll come back. It all works out for reason.

[OCD]

Hi OCD,

 

What were the answers that your ex finally let you in on - were they that bad? I think it's too early to rule anything out - I think you have to expect the unexpected in life and to not expect anything. From reading your posts your ex seems to be confused still - you can't put a deadline on when and if she decides that she'd like a second chance with you.

 

 

Thanks lonelyfish, I appreciate your optimism. The answers were that I didn't do anything wrong and her breaking up with me was just that she needed space, time, and perhaps date other people. These were her words...she was in a bad marriage for 9 years and had a horrible divorce. She met me between 6-7 months after her divorce...we took off so fast and things went so well that she says that she didn't have time to get over her divorce and have time for herself, which I understand. What I don't understand is why would she just throw me away like she did if everything was great, which it was? Towards the end of the breakup she became more distant and we even talked about her needing space...so I gave her a little space and didn't call as much, etc...I called her after not hearing from her in a while is when she ended it without any reason, or answers...she just hung up the phone...I tried to call back many times that night pleading for answers and not to do this...she turned her phone off so I left a message on her cell...pleading my case basically that she was everything to me, best friend etc...this was 3 months to the day...I'm having a rough night, trying not to think about it, but I can't help it. What can I say...I lover her. That's when I found this site...and realised that NC was my only way to let her think about things and also my only way to get her back...NC did work, I starting feeling better about myself and then she started calling about a mont later...I ignored 8-9 calls before I finally picked up...then we started talking again, just small talk, nothing about the relationship...then I decided to call her after over 2 months went by and about 12 calls from her, that's my one and only call. She opened up about everything that day and said she wouldn't rule anything out for the future for us and anything was possible. I said maybe this time apart is the best thing for us right now...I might regret those words, but we'll see what happens...that's where I'm at tonight, sad, keeping that hope alive, but now I feel hopeless. I can't call her, that might make it worse and there is no way to really tell her things, but that might not make it any better? People tell me not to answer even if she does call, but how am I supposed have a possiblity with her down the road if I don't call her or take her phone calls?? I'm just in bad shape tonight...I don't know what I could have done differently to show her how much I care...I'll stop typing now...I'm a mess over here....sorry for letting you guys down...I'm much stronger than this...

[lonelyfish]

We all have our bad moments. I had a few today too. In the same day I feel great and bad every other hour! I haven't talked to my ex in 2 weeks and I'm already wondering if he'll call around Thanksgiving to wish me well. I know I shouldn't wonder about that but I do. My ex is still going through a divorce but we clicked as well - everything was perfect - so I know why you must be thinking why the heck didn't it work out if everything was so great! I'm mad at myself for ever agreeing to get involved with someone in his situation and I know I'll be devasted to realize that I may have just been the "rebound" girl. That will suck. Right now what helps is realizing that he is going through so much that I can't even begin to phathom. Mostly I feel bad for him even though I got hurt in the end and with all his baggage that he has a girl would have to be a genuinely amazing nice person more than myself to get invloved with him - she would have to be very special - if he thinks he can find that again so soon then good luck to him. I take satisfaction knowing that when he starts to date again he's going to constantly compare everyone to me. I think your ex will too OCD. Don't feel bad but that will be a good thing. It is difficult to think of your ex with someone else but you seem to be very sweet and like me it all ended because of bad timing with her divorce. Keep your chin up, feel good knowing she has you to base all other guys on - and maybe in the long run she'll realize what she gave up. We are both their "first love" after thier divorce - who doesn't forget thier first love - per Martha Stewart - "It's a good thing"!!!

[OCD]

Lonleyfish, you may have just said the right thing to make me feel better tonight. No, you are sweet...thanks! I'd give you a big hug if I saw you!!! ))))))))))hugs(((((((((That's a great point that I never thought about and perhaps you can relate because of the divorce thing, but you're right we are their first loves after their divorce...It would be hard for her not to compare other guys to me...great one...That at least gives me a little light and the end of this dark tunnel I'm going through. I did everthing I possibly could for this girl, sure we have some fights but nothing totally serious, just disagreements like anyone else. But we'd always kiss and make up She was and I guess still is my best friend even though I'm a little angry at her this evening...I love her, I wish she would see that!! That was the greatest. Well thanks for making me feel a little better on this 3 month time apart from my ex...

[coooolsome]

Hey, just wanted to say I feel great. I just weighed myself and I now weigh 175. I weighed 196 when my ex broke up with me and all the working out and keeping active have helped me slim down. I just go this huge burst of confidence and feel awesome. Hahahahaha, she is missing out on the new me.....