You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[paradiselost]

Ordance survey:

 

1. How long were you together?

2. Why did she break up with you?

3. How long were you apart before reconciling?

 

Thanks

[slickm0n]

Just thought I'd toss my story in here too. This thread has been a very good read and is full of useful advice that I'm trying my best to follow.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me after a 3.5 year relationship about a month ago. He said it was because he wanted to be single and experience other people. We are both young (I'm 23, he is 25) and that is totally logical. I even said since the beginning how foolish I thought it was to think you'd be in a relationship with someone and never want to try someone else. Being each others firsts, -logically- this is okay. Emotionally it's not. He's been going online and finding random people for one night stands and not being all together safe about it either. It is so painful to know what he is doing, while I am here clamoring for him back.

 

Unfortunately I did all the big NOs right away. I've cried for 30 mins on the phone with him, begging, pleading, bargaining, rationalizing. And he's standing his ground. I've sent a few heart felt emails and he says he feels for me and understands where I'm coming from and hates that he's hurting me but that he has made up his mind and wants to be single and wants his space. The thing is, he also reaches out to me still. In the past month we've txted regularly and talked on the phone. If something is stressing him out or if there's a problem at work or he's planning his next career move, he calls me for my opinion. After reading these threads I've tried to be supportive of all this and be a regular positive person, despite how I've been feeling. I want to be the person he fell in love with again, not just for him, but for me (I miss that person).

 

We had a great relationship. Unfortunately for the last 2 years we lived together with a bunch of his best friends, which detracted from our relationship. There were always people around we couldn't even fool around in bed because the walls were paper thing. Nothing like trying to whisper to your boyfriend and have roommates come bang on your door asking you to keep it down. I feel this is how we both got to where we are. That sort of stuff eats away at you as there is a lack of intimacy and real one on one time.

 

Today he sent me an email (in response to one of mine) saying "I absolutely enjoyed our good times together, times that shall continue, I hope, through a strong friendship." It seems twisted to me that I was dumped and am in such pain while he is off fooling around with other people, yet he still wants to maintain our connection. He's even said he still loves me, as friend, and that I am family to him.

 

I perceive this as him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He likes me but wants to be single at the same time. So he wants to be able to hook up with people and be single, yet still have me there as that super close supportive friend I've always been to him. It's totally not fair, especially when he mentions being open to possibly getting back together after the summer is over depending on where we are both at. So I took the advice someone posted on this site and txted him a response to that email:

 

"**** you dumped me. I need time to myself alone to heal and become a stronger person. Being friends with you in the mean time is not going to make that happen for me."

 

And he replied "I understand...let me know when you're ready : ("

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I like that he put a sad face in there. He cares for me and I'm always there for him, but now I won't be. He wont know what I'm off doing, how I am, or be able to see me or hear my voice. As of today he is moving into an apartment for the first time completely on his own, away from family and friends, and with a lot of my stuff still there. Really hoping I'll be on his mind and he might start to realize or appreciate what it's like without me. And if not, I figure then it wasn't meant to be. No sense pining for someone who doesn't want to be with you. So in the mean time I'm going to be doing my thing, dating, and am joining the gym. It feels kind of liberating that, even though I was dumped, in a round about sort of way I just dumped him in a way I don't think he expected (since I'm always there when he needs me). He now has the space he asked for and I'm in a good position to give it to him.

 

I love him very much and would like for this to work out, but dont want to get my hopes up.

 

So that's my story, NC starts today and we'll see how it goes.

[delicous]

I feel sick and aweful reading this because this time I know better but I still am doing the same thing..Texting him and called him once and left a voicemail...I just want it to be better and and I want him...I know its a good idea to be on a break, but .... its so hard for me, Im the one who broke up with him but then I wanted to talk to him in person, drove to his place to find his ex there. "she was picking up her mail" whatever, he told me not to come over because he feels the same way I do , so this time we techinically mutually broke up with eachother.

It hurts so bad for me though because I wanted something great to happen... and he is not answering any of my text or calls..not trying to win me back..Said he wants to be friends but has not been one previously and is not being one now....

He knows KNOOOWS that I did not want to break up with him, but the constant ignoring my calls and txt drove me over the edge and I had to let him go...Then I see her car at his place...I blew up on him, got my stuff, told him to go to hell and left...We didn't speak for like 3 days but then when he called and we spoke...it was such a superficial conversation..talking about how we want to be friends and he doesn't want me to hold a grudge or hate him....I agree'd...But since that talk, we talked once more and it felt akward, he said he wants to see me tomorrow and will prob be driving down to my side of town ...

I Don't know what Im going to do to hold back my tears whenever I go to give him all his stuff back...I have so much stuff of his and its just gonna sting pretty badly....And im the dumper, but feel like the dumpee...=(

[delicous]

Slickmon, Yes I do know EXACTLY how you are feeling..Only mine after doing all of the emails and texting decided to get married and have a baby with the chick he moved in after I left...So now hes married and wants absolutly nothing to happen.. The one I just posted about is my guy I started seeing after this one dumped me...I feel your pain though..Stay strong and try to not talk to him or respond to his calls or text..

Wish I had the guts to tell my ex I didn't want to be friends..

[MrD90]

i know most of us feel alone in here so i say we talk to each other

 

how was your day

[jimmy1984]

Hey Superdave71,

 

Wold like your advice this article is very good.

 

I split up with my girlfriend my first true love and I really feel like she is the love of my life.

 

When ever I have tried no contact she always pops up txting me questions like the other day she txt me am I dating this girl?

 

So I replied to ensure her I wasn't losing that no contact.

 

Then loads come to head and she told me she has been chatting to another man and she is going for a drink with him which has gutted me I am just finding it hard now what advice do can you give me on moving forward?

[StayingStrong]

Thanks a lot, I just wish I had read this a week ago Hope I haven't ruined my chances

[cedricloi]

I feel for you. This must be hard.

[Captainmidnigh]

My Ex and I went through a long break up for about 2 months. It all ended for good about a month ago. We didn't really speak until about two weeks in, she blew up my phone with txts saying I miss you and I miss this and that. I didn't reply for a few days and when I did she said basiclly said she had a moment of weakness and she had to turn her phone off to stop herself from begging me to come back...we talked a bit more and she said she knew we couldn't be together "not now, not yet".

So we didn't talk for almost two weeks again and then this past thursday, she called me at 1 in the morning. I was asleep. I didn't return the call of really even acknowledge it. Then on saturday afternoon she emailed me saying she broke down and called me. That's all the email said. I didn't respond or even know what to say if I did. Then later that night, around midnight, she emailed me saying 'hey'. and she sent another email to my other email address saying 'you still have some of my things'.

I replied last night saying I would send them this week on the bus. She then replied how are you. I didn't answer, and she sent it to my other email address.

We exchanged a few emails before I went to bed and shes calling me 'sweetie' and 'darling' and other names. I have no idea what to think about it all.

[Huckster]

HELP PLEASE,

OK, here goes. But of a mess this one (aren't they all). So, I split from my partner of 16 years back in November BUT (and please trust me on this one) the relationship had been going nowhere for years AND I was pretty much over the split come Jan 2011 (hard to believe but true AND I had no hard feelings towards her).

 

Anyway, I had admired a much younger woman for some time (but I never did anything while in my former relationship).

 

Her situation was that she was with someone BUT that she had been wanting out of the relationship for some years (they had been together for 6 and she, her friends and family had all said that there was nothing there and that she was wasting her time with him) AND SO, after her giving me some positive signals, we started to get to know each other better (texting, FB chat and talking on the phone and face to face) but she was still with the other man. I know this is wrong but my feelings towards her (and she to me) were very strong.

 

I had been telling her that she neede to get out of the relationship if for no other reason than her own self (and I also said that even if she didn't want me I'd go - I wouldn't like it, but I would). She told me that she loved me and I honestly believe that she did (and still does).

 

She finally ended her relationship mid March, and moved back to her parents home, and I said I understood that we would have to take things slowly, as she was still coming to terms with the ending of it all.

 

Anyway, after about 4-5 weeks of ending the relationship she said she needed space as her head was all mixed up (fair enough, as I had offered it if needed, althoug I secretly hoped that it wouldn't be requested).

 

Last week, after she told me that she had been spending time at her old flat where she lived with him as he was upset and wanted her back. This is about 4 weeks after she intially asked for space.

 

I, unfortunately, did not exactly give her space - we kept in contact by text, FB chat, me seeing her at work and whatnot (not every day, I might add, but maybe 3-4 times a week). I have never begged her to change her mind, I asked but never begged. I did not offer gifts. I did not cry or breakdown in front of her (although her ex did). Yes, I did let my feelings be known on FB chat (I loved you, still love you and always will) but I have now gone NC since last Thursday morning when she told me (by text after I had asked her to clarify if she was back with him) that she still loves him and that she is struggling with her emotions towards him.

 

She left her home, cats, possessions, identity (I suppose) for the last 6 years and boyfriend , so I can understand that she is struggling with this massive change but I believe that she is missing the familiarity of it all and, while she may love here ex, is not in love with him.

 

Her friends and family AN HER have said that he is not good for her, and that he has messed with her head. He has said that he does not want to change (he likes a drink and can get verbally abusive, calling her a C.U.N..........T!!!! amongst other things.

 

I know that I should not have persued someone that was in a relationship BUT I felt a cpnnection with her that, personally, I feel was genuine.

 

She is very young (24) and I am 45 this year BUT her ex is 40 (and she freely admitted that she preferes older men) and the relationship only lasted about 4 months, and we never got a chance to form any kind of normal relationship, due to the situation.

 

My request for help is merely this. I have gone NC (only 3 days but it's a start) and I intend to work on myself (I do have a tendency to be hard on myself and can come accross as moody if I've had a stressfull day, and I know I need to relax more and not be so clingy or needy).

 

Does anybody think, given the information I have provided, that there is a possibility of a reconciliation, thru NC?

 

I have resolved myself to NC AND I will certainly entertain the possibility of reconciliation (under more fairer terms) AND meeting another woman BUT my feelings for this person are very strong.

 

Hope you, as a community, may be able to offer your insights (I know I have been a sneaky b*stard for trying to steal someone else's girl BUT she provided the green light).

 

Hope you can help.

 

Thanks

[ink]

Its a tough one to give your ex space but ive been trying it and getting stronger,

also i realize he always contacts me when i ignore him but am hating the with

draws,but its a game plan am working on so..... thanks Dave!

[Wildcars]

SuperDave71, My situation is exactly like yours!

 

And i love reading what you type, it really always either reminds me what i need to do for myself, and what i need to do to keep me in check, mentally and physically..

 

Please don't disappear again!

[vel2011]

BUMp. This forum is great

[indesign]

Read this ! ! ! ! ! x

[The Man Who]

Some great advice there - generally anything you feel like doing, do the damn opposite!

[indesign]

Some great advice there - generally anything you feel like doing, do the damn opposite!

 

No phone calls, emails, texts, to sum it up. Make them *wonder* what you are up to, no giving away so easily.

 

no contact, no contact, no contact... click you've made it half-way through !

[wolflovesmoon]

I don`t know if this counts,, 4 days NC she calls me at 2:00 am, while driving home from a friend`s house. said she thought of me and gave me a call. kept the conversation friendly and nice, made few jokes here and there. let her lead the conversation and ask questions. etc.. 30 min.. wish good night for each other and promise to call one day soon.. if she doesn`t call anytime soon i will call after a week or more. but i still don`t know how to take it. why would she call me.. ask for a picture.. i sent her one i toke with an iPhone and made my head look so damn big. like the mega-mind dude.. lol

[Airbag]

I don`t know if this counts,, 4 days NC she calls me at 2:00 am, while driving home from a friend`s house. said she thought of me and gave me a call. kept the conversation friendly and nice, made few jokes here and there. let her lead the conversation and ask questions. etc.. 30 min.. wish good night for each other and promise to call one day soon.. if she doesn`t call anytime soon i will call after a week or more. but i still don`t know how to take it. why would she call me.. ask for a picture.. i sent her one i toke with an iPhone and made my head look so damn big. like the mega-mind dude.. lol

 

Bravo! You did the right thing. Just kept it light and friendly. Although 30 minutes is a little bit too long, but you still did a good job by not showing you are desperate or anything. Just keep doing what you are doing, moving on.

[wolflovesmoon]

Bravo! You did the right thing. Just kept it light and friendly. Although 30 minutes is a little bit too long, but you still did a good job by not showing you are desperate or anything. Just keep doing what you are doing, moving on.

Allow me to call you brother, thanks for your Golden advices

she texts few times a day ( today at 8 am). i tend to delay my responses.. Nothing about relationship. just General matters, the guy from Spartacus has died from cancer and we both like him. She quit her job and she is happy to go back to school. in the other hand i am working on my self. as long as there is no bitterness or hard feelings. we will be fine.. i remember 4 weeks ago ( part of the story) we went to a club/ restaurant and this Guy come to talk to her. he did it before and i didn't say anything ( she told him she was with me. i and Him both are Moroccans.. i don`t really know if he sees it as a challenge or what) so i looked him on Facebook thru a mutual friend. sent him an email ask him to back off.. i told her, that was the BOMB i guess .. i made my self sound childish and insecure and she even told me that. i didn`t mean to come off as insecure but i just felt the need to ask him to back off.. lesson learned anyway.

Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.

Each day passes i learn more, and i grow up wiser. i already have the principle ingredients to make a very good boyfriend. if she ever comes back she will have the honor to have someone like me, if never ( wish her all luck and happiness ) someone else will. Thanks all. especially AIRBAG.

[rigguy]

classic...... brings out memories, thanks for the bump

[hangingout]

I just read this post now. Hmm... I tried contacting even though i am the one who broke up. It's one of the hardest things to do EVER! So, so sad. I agree with Echo - that I am scared my ex will forget me or find someone new. I hope time apart is good for thinking.

 

Super Dave. Your story is sad. Do you still love your ex girlfriend? Do you want to get back with her? Why do you not say anything to her? I'm worried you're hurting yourself in the long run by watching her with other men?

[SethSLC]

I agree with this. When I think bac to the start of my relationship, she was making all the forward movement, doing all the courageous acts that get two people from friends to lovers. She put her heart on the line. While I just sat back and let it happen, then enjoyed the fruits. In light of what everyone is saying wrt "she should do the work because ...", who freaking cares who does the work? One has to have the courage to start the ball rolling.

 

But the timing has to be right. And if you start the ballrolling and the timing is wrong, then back away and IMO you still have started the ball rolling, and it will be easier for her to open up when the time IS right.

 

Sean

 

You know, I know this post is really really REALLY old, but there is so much wisdom in it that I wanted to bring it out for newer people to see. I think many times in a relationship one side often does more of the work in the beginning and the other sits back to enjoy the fruits of the others labor, only to wind up having that other person feel taken for granted. I think people should be aware of this going into any new relationships from the get go.

 

But the most important part of this guys post was the last bit and I hope others really take it to heart. If you start the ball rolling and the timing is wrong, then back off and leave it be until such time as the timing is right for them. I think in the long run you'll be happier you were able to back off than if you can't.

[maron]

Sadk's and your post have such great timing. Here's my bump, too.

[Thorshammer]

I just read this post now. Hmm... I tried contacting even though i am the one who broke up. It's one of the hardest things to do EVER! So, so sad. I agree with Echo - that I am scared my ex will forget me or find someone new. I hope time apart is good for thinking.

 

Super Dave. Your story is sad. Do you still love your ex girlfriend? Do you want to get back with her? Why do you not say anything to her? I'm worried you're hurting yourself in the long run by watching her with other men?

 

If you broke up with him... you gave him the right and the power and started him directly on the path to forget you.

 

You are the dumper? You reach out.

[thelastsong]

Everyone keeps saying that SuperDave's story is sad, and I suppose it is, but I consider it a success. He had the opportunity to take her back, but he chose not to. He had the power to decide, and he had healed enough to realize that she still had issues and that it wouldn't work a second time. Personally, I would love to get to a place where I have both that power to decide and the perspective to see the relationship for what it is.