Huckster

Start of day 2 (give or take an hour or so) Feel utterly deflated

Starting now - Wednesday 17th Aug 2011 - 7:33pm OK! I'm in I am hoping for two things from this. Healing and possible reconciliation (if not with her, then at least with me - -I used to be really happy and fun...I WANT MY SPARK BACK). Really miss her but after 3 months I still feel low, and stuck. Here goes...

HELP PLEASE, OK, here goes. But of a mess this one (aren't they all). So, I split from my partner of 16 years back in November BUT (and please trust me on this one) the relationship had been going nowhere for years AND I was pretty much over the split come Jan 2011 (hard to believe but true AND I had no hard feelings towards her). Anyway, I had admired a much younger woman for some time (but I never did anything while in my former relationship). Her situation was that she was with someone BUT that she had been wanting out of the relationship for some years (they had been together for 6 and she, her friends and family had all said that there was nothing there and that she was wasting her time with him) AND SO, after her giving me some positive signals, we started to get to know each other better (texting, FB chat and talking on the phone and face to face) but she was still with the other man. I know this is wrong but my feelings towards her (and she to me) were very strong. I had been telling her that she neede to get out of the relationship if for no other reason than her own self (and I also said that even if she didn't want me I'd go - I wouldn't like it, but I would). She told me that she loved me and I honestly believe that she did (and still does). She finally ended her relationship mid March, and moved back to her parents home, and I said I understood that we would have to take things slowly, as she was still coming to terms with the ending of it all. Anyway, after about 4-5 weeks of ending the relationship she said she needed space as her head was all mixed up (fair enough, as I had offered it if needed, althoug I secretly hoped that it wouldn't be requested). Last week, after she told me that she had been spending time at her old flat where she lived with him as he was upset and wanted her back. This is about 4 weeks after she intially asked for space. I, unfortunately, did not exactly give her space - we kept in contact by text, FB chat, me seeing her at work and whatnot (not every day, I might add, but maybe 3-4 times a week). I have never begged her to change her mind, I asked but never begged. I did not offer gifts. I did not cry or breakdown in front of her (although her ex did). Yes, I did let my feelings be known on FB chat (I loved you, still love you and always will) but I have now gone NC since last Thursday morning when she told me (by text after I had asked her to clarify if she was back with him) that she still loves him and that she is struggling with her emotions towards him. She left her home, cats, possessions, identity (I suppose) for the last 6 years and boyfriend , so I can understand that she is struggling with this massive change but I believe that she is missing the familiarity of it all and, while she may love here ex, is not in love with him. Her friends and family AN HER have said that he is not good for her, and that he has messed with her head. He has said that he does not want to change (he likes a drink and can get verbally abusive, calling her a C.U.N..........T!!!! amongst other things. I know that I should not have persued someone that was in a relationship BUT I felt a cpnnection with her that, personally, I feel was genuine. She is very young (24) and I am 45 this year BUT her ex is 40 (and she freely admitted that she preferes older men) and the relationship only lasted about 4 months, and we never got a chance to form any kind of normal relationship, due to the situation. My request for help is merely this. I have gone NC (only 3 days but it's a start) and I intend to work on myself (I do have a tendency to be hard on myself and can come accross as moody if I've had a stressfull day, and I know I need to relax more and not be so clingy or needy). Does anybody think, given the information I have provided, that there is a possibility of a reconciliation, thru NC? I have resolved myself to NC AND I will certainly entertain the possibility of reconciliation (under more fairer terms) AND meeting another woman BUT my feelings for this person are very strong. Hope you, as a community, may be able to offer your insights (I know I have been a sneaky b*stard for trying to steal someone else's girl BUT she provided the green light). Hope you can help. Thanks