You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[ouchh]

I know I won't die but it sure felt like it this weekend! I'm going through the "should I call him to make sure he didn't forget about me or misplace my number" phase. I know the answer is no he didn't but try telling my heart that. We said we would give it a couple of months and its only been 1 month, but Good Lord it has been the longest month of my life! Been trying all different kinds of projects, I can't even concentrate long enough to keep my focus on the task at hand... ARGH! Somebody give me some insight. I keep telling myself to be strong. I know I can get past this, but my stubborn side wants him back and wants him back now. Don't know what good it will do we would still be in an LDR at least until my move in a couple of months...

 

Martyrdom, Metalwag, & mijo,

 

How are you?

[mijo]

Hi,

How is everything going with you?

Have you heard anything more from him, or anything new happened with the move?

 

I am doing ok thanks. I was finding it quite hard, I found out he is going away on holiday with a girl so convinced myself he has a new partner. He then text me a couple of days later really upset asking me if he was an awful person to be with, saying he thought i was lovely and he was so sorry if he'd ever upset me, could we go for a drink in the new year etc and that he wanted to be good friends. I also asked him straight out if he was seeing anyone and he said no.

 

The on Friday at 3am he started texting me asking if I was asleep, saying he was near my house and he wanted to come round and see me, and did I want a cuddle etc etc. Luckily I was staying somewhere else so I had the decision taken out of my hands! Even though I said I was somewhere else he kept asking if he could come there or if I could get a cab home and he'd pay etc.

 

I now haven't heard from him since then! I think he was probably feeling a bit lonely and wanted some reassurance?

Oh, I just wish I knew what was going on inside his head!

I feel like I have grown a little now and have managed to accept some things, almost that if the opportunity to get back together did arise I don't know that i could really do it???

[ouchh]

Its been hard these past few days. Be careful I've had the same experience with another ex and all he will want if you don't put a halt to it now is to "come over & cuddle". you will find yourself back at square one.

 

 

I looked at housing and found some really great places. I'm ready to make a decision as to where I will live. I have been told that it may be a good idea to contact him when I get there and let him know, so that when we run into each other he will not be shocked out of his socks. What do you think?

 

I thought maybe I should keep working out and when I do run into him I will knock him out of his socks with my appearance. Maybe get him thinking he made a mistake when he sees that I didn't roll over and perish. I have maintained NC and plan to until I have made my move. What do you think?

[mijo]

Hey,

I know you're right. At the time I half thought oh I wish I was at home, but then I sat and thought what would have been better..

a. Being home and letting him come round, enjoying the time with him and it being "like old times" just for a short time.

 

or b. Knowing that he was texting me asking me over and over and over again to see him, to let him come round and then for me to get a taxi back and me being the stronger person and saying no again and again.

 

As much as I'd have loved to see him I know it was best that I didn't. I haven't heard anything from him since so he is probably regretting the contact, who knows.

 

How long have you been NC now?

I think it may be best to let him know about the move so that he isnt totally shocked, but make it clear to him that u are just informing him incase u run into him but that u still want to maintain NC?

 

Glad you've found a place, that must be a weight lifted

[Martyrdom]

been O.K. I guess. It feels everyday she gets prettier and prettier, and then I look in the mirror..and man. I'm bad looking rofl. I need to get a haircut. Last time she saw me, which was a few days ago, she said it looked like I was dead. It was cold outside, but damn.

 

Trying to learn Heart Shaped Box on guitar; it's keeping me busy I suppose. I can start going to to the Gym now since my surgery

 

I'm not "dying" to call her, but it does sting when I check my phone and I at least didn't get a "how are you text?"...I need some friends. But with 6 months of school left...it'd feel so superficial...I doubt I'll even go to prom now o_o.

 

Hope everyone else is doing good with their NC, or however they are handling it

[androidmj]

Ok, so here's my story, I need a some quick advice towards the end

 

Dated this girl for 3 years, long distance for most of it. Long story short, she tried to break it off for a few months and then I finally agreed. (yea I sobbed the first few times she tried).

 

Anyway, so she broke up with me on a thursday. The following tuesday she ims me and thanks me for sending a package that I sent her before we broke up. Then she asked me to put up some facebook pictures we took over the holidays before we had broken up (FYI, I am 25 and she is 22).

 

So I was kind of stupid and said yea sure I will. Then I said I would be in town the next weekend and wanted to know if I could take her out for coffee on monday (a few days ago). It went well, we were both totally friendly and at ease.

 

Then she ims me today and informs me that her boot had broken that I got her for Christmas. I responded short for a few lines and then we stopped talking.

 

I really want this girl back, and not as a friend, but I'm pretty sure she's just trying to keep me as a friend right now. Do I tell her something like "Hey this is my fault because I asked you out for coffee, and I really enjoyed it, but I need some space to move on and I'd like it if we just didn't talk for a while".

 

??

 

or do I go with these small talk messages she is sending and ask her out for dinner or something when I go home in 10 days?

[androidmj]

ok...fyi, I just blocked her on im. But would it be a terrible idea to ask her out for a drink next saturday when I'm in town?

[Norwichguy]

A quick question!!

 

Do you not fight for them at all? I mean if they break up with you, is there a time period to fight that decision or do you just accept it straight of the mark? As im wondering if doing the later would have you seem you didnt care at all.

 

Also, what if you're dumped via text/email convo and dont physically see them. Would you try and meet them to talk before accepting it and vanishing?

 

Some things to think about.

[cemlaw]

Norwhichguy- "fighting for them" implies they don't know how you feel about them and in most cases, they know. You didn't leave them; they left you. That means the only "fighting for it" should come from them if they ever decide they want you back.

 

Think about it this way- they decided to break up with you- not on the spot, but sat and thought and thought and thought about it. You can't change their mind straight off the bat by fighting or begging or anything really. You can't talk your way out of being fired or dumped.

 

The best way to "fight for them" initially is to let them go. If they want to be away from you, YOU be away from them. As Dave said originally, the best way to love them now, is to let them go. I think initially- RIGHT when it happens- you should tell them how you feel, what you want, and then go away. Do it for you and do it for them. They won't forget what you said, how you feel, or you.

And trust me, as I am doing this right now, NC IS a fight. An f'ing tough one.

[rebelfac]

Superdave are you still out there?

 

I wanted to interview you on gurus radio that I am about to launch. All you would need to do is start your free ning page that takes about two minutes. You have helped so many people here and I think many would agree that you deserve a reward.

link removed

 

Steve

[BrokenheartUK]

Hi all, this is my first post. Stumbled accross this site today and it seems like a great community! All of the advice in this thread alone has been great to read as it's relevant to my current situation:

 

I was with my girlfriend for two great years, then in September 08 after much deliberation, I ended the relationship. The reason was that I wasn't sure if I loved her or thought we had a future together, so I figured that the best thing to do was to end it so I didn't keep stringing her along. Before we started going out I had been in a five year relationship with another girl that ended badly and instilled a massive fear of commitment on my part. I vowed never to say 'I love you' to anyone again unless I meant it, hence my reluctance to say it to my new partner. It really hurt to break up with her though, as apart from the 'no love' thing she was an incredible girl and I know that she loved me a lot. We got on really well and shared exactly the same interests and hence some amazing times.

 

Initially I was fine and even a little relieved to be single again. Even though she was crushed and I broke her heart, she still wanted to be friends and we kept in touch, hung out and did a lot of the things we used to, but obviously without the 'other' stuff like physical contact or intimacy. We then agreed to stop seeing each other so much as it felt a bit strange, so we gave each other space. She started to move on and got herself a new circle of friends, which upset me a lot. I don't know, maybe I wasn't expecting her to move on so quickly but what else could I expect her to do, sit around and mope?

 

On New Year's Day I found out that she had kissed some other guy the previous night. I was crushed and - you can see what's coming - immediately wanted her back. I went and told her this and understandibly she thought that the only reason I wanted her back was because she wanted someone else and she was right. She deliberated over getting back with me for a week and wisely chose not to, so I tried to learn from my stupidity and let it go. My feelings persisted and I still missed her and wanted her back but I knew it was only down to her moving on. I was in a really bad place for a few weeks but I knew that eventually I'd snap out of it, see sense and start to move on myself.

 

However...I found out about a week ago that she isn't interested in this guy - or any new relationships. I fully expected to be fine with it and just think "oh, if she's not interested then I'll be okay again and I'll know that I only wanted her back because I thought she'd moved on." The thing is...my feelings haven't changed. It's like it took me potentially losing her for good to realise just how much I DO love her and what a massive mistake I've made. The past four weeks of thinking and pain have made me realise that I just hadn't ALLOWED myself to love her, based on my previous relationship. I never appreciated what I had.

 

I have been having a terrible time coming to terms with my mistake. The usual: thinking of her 24/7, unable to eat, sleep or work and losing my passion for pretty much everything. My life seems empty without her and I would do anything to have her in my life again as I genuinely feel after this time apart that I have learned a lot and am ready to commit to a future together.

 

I have told her exactly how I feel a couple of times and even told her that I love her. This is quite a big deal as she knows how much my previous relationship affected me and she knew that I wouldn't say I loved her until I really meant it. Unfortunately, the fact that it's come AFTER we've broken up means she now resents me for it. Alas, this has all come too late and she's happier without me in her life. She doesn't contact me anymore, I know that she isn't dating anyone at the moment but it doesn't seem to matter if she is or not, I still feel the same. I do however, feel that deep down she still loves me but is too scared to give it another go as all trust has gone and she'll just think I'll leave again.

 

Based on how we're both feeling at the moment, I decided to start NC two weeks ago to see where I stand. I admit I lapsed a couple of times via text messaging but I'm determined to stick with it for the next three weeks, which will take me up to Valentine's Day. I guess I'm doing it to see if she misses me and gets in touch and if she doesn't then I know that she is over me and I can start to move on. It's really hard though as I go through the usual questions every day ("is she thinking about me?" "has she forgotten me?" "is the lack of contact from me a massive relief for her?"). I've decided to start counselling again and have my first session on Saturday, as I'm keen to figure out where my fear of commitment comes from. I'm trying to move on and stay positive by occupying myself as much as possible but at the same time I'm scared that if I move on too much, I will forget her.

 

Apologies for the long post, anyone have any input on my situation?

[SuperDave71]

Now why on earth would you want to do that?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ladyjp]

Ditto! I am going through the same thing right now. We broke up then he started contacting me. We had lunch but I found out he is now seeing someone else. He told me yesterday he still loves me but I mess his head up and he can't get that close to me again. Told me he wants to see me but wants to see this new gal too because he is scared of me hurting him again and cant let me get in his head that way. I told him no way no how could I see him if he was going to see "her". So , back to NC . I feel like since he is seeing someone it is a matter of time before she takes my place and he grows close to her and forgets me completely. It is a really icky feeling and I am hell bent on keeping NC but feel pretty sad right now. I feel like he will just get all close to her and our closeness will fade

[SuperDave71]

I feel like since he is seeing someone it is a matter of time before she takes my place and he grows close to her and forgets me completely. It is a really icky feeling and I am hell bent on keeping NC but feel pretty sad right now. I feel like he will just get all close to her and our closeness will fade

 

This has nothing to do with love but more of an abandonment issue. You are worried about being REPLACED rather than NOT being loved. You need to look at his actions NOT his words. He says he loves you but what is he DOING?

 

You mess his head up? What kind of nonsense is that? He is doing and telling you exactly what he wants you to hear in order to get a response back from you.

 

You need to let go of the notion that he loves you and learn to love yourself more.

 

 

Take him off your high horse and give it to someone who deserves it.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ladyjp]

Thanks Dave, I really needed to hear that. I am also concerned about not being loved but yesterday to hear him talk about seeing her was like a cold hard knife in my back.

He kept telling me how they were just "hanging out" and they just have alot of fun. He kept saying how he thinks about me all the time and can't get me out of his head but I concur with you- actions speak louder than any words.

 

I have treated him like gold but it seems the only time I truly get his attention is when he thinks I may actually be over him. Then he comes on like gangbusters. I know the hardest part is he will see in a week or so I am serious and start calling and texting again. I have the hardest time ignoring him.

[ladyjp]

btw - you mentioned he says he wants me to hear to get a reaction? What type do you think he is looking for? I asked him to stop seeing her but when he said he was going to see her I didn't beg. I just told him it could not be both ways

[SuperDave71]

jfpieron,

 

 

One of the biggest misconceptions of being away from the one you love is that the more time they share with you after the break means they are getting closer to you.

 

 

This is a HUGE no no. Yes, I must admit the actions are there but it's the action itself that TRULY matters. If they meet you out and see you yet are not honest enough with themselves and especially with you, what have you actually gained?

 

You gained time shared but your ultimate goal is to be together. This may not be their initial goal but if you do the same thing over an dover again and expect a different result...that is on you.

 

 

Just because someone wants to share their time with you doesn't mean anything without the love behind it. He tells you of this other person yet you sit and consider his time valuable as you silently sit and try to quiet your weeping heart.

 

Who wants to be second best? They may feel as if they are being honest with you which is a good thing, yet you are continuing to beat yoru head against a brink wall assuming it will not hurt as much if you kep doing it.

 

 

What do you want? Where do you matter? No once have you made a comment about what it is you want. You matter FIRST. Get the notion that he will suddenly change his mind and run to you. Let go of the possibility of the more time he calls and spends with you that you are FIRST because what you have already stated about someone else.

 

Go with what you know....NEVER with what you assume.

 

 

 

Think about it...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

You are NOT PLAN "B".....quit waiting on someone who doesn't know what they want to finally change their mind. It makes you look weak, vulnerable, desperate and unconfident.

 

 

How sexy is that?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ladyjp]

You are NOT PLAN "B".....quit waiting on someone who doesn't know what they want to finally change their mind. It makes you look weak, vulnerable, desperate and unconfident.

 

 

How sexy is that?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

Thanks Dave! You are my hero today I have done that exactly. Wait for "him" to change his mind and be there when he does. Stupid and yes, vulnerable and unattractive. Sometimes we just need to hear someone say it. Funny, in my circle of friends, I am the strong one that everyone turns to to hold them up yet let this gy do a number on me. Go figure.

I thank you for your words of encouragement and tenacity to tell it like it is. I am a firm believer in the definiition of insanity yet have done just that expecting a different result.

 

" Never make someone a priority that only makes you an option"!

[SuperDave71]

jfp,

 

 

Let me encourage you more. Listen carefully. Despite you wanting you ex back, doesn't mean he is pining for you. I am not trying to be cruel but more or less honest with you. Right now you are in the shadows in case this OTHER person doesn't work out.

 

You are allowing him to hurt you whether it be accidental or intensional but the common ground is YOU ARE ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN. Snap your spine back into place and learn that you are someone who gives love freely and expects the same in return. If it isn't, how do you expect it will change in time? Just because you had a past doesn;t mean you will have a future. We learn from our mistakes but UNTIL we realize they were mistakes and learn from thime, we can't move forward.

 

Let go of this guy that wants to keep you behind the stage. You should be the lead character and share in his spotlight.

 

learn to walk away and know in time you did the right thing. There is someone out there for you taht WANTS to share you with the world and give you the loving spotlight you deserve.

 

 

The world is your stage....play your part.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[supp11]

The thing about NC for me, is that she even tells me to leave her be for a while, and I feel like if I keep talking to her and telling her my feelings, she will eventually see how much I care. She is like a magnet...she can tell me to give her time and seem to push me away, but I always come right back with kind words to try and win her back.

 

It is so hard to do!! I keep bringing the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" over and over in my head and that makes me want to contact her more. Ugh this is ridiculous.

[SuperDave71]

supp11,

 

 

Then what must change? Ever hear of the boy who cried wolf? You are doing the same thing because you are allowing her to do it to you.

 

This is all your fault. She is doing what she is used to doing and you area allowing her to pull you like strings on a puppet.

 

 

You need to cut the strings and be the more confident and loving person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Stand up and say NO MORE. The more you allow her to use you the more she will do it.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[supp11]

But I want her back!! I cant get it out of my head that if I let her go, she will forget about me. I just cant correlate how leaving someone have their time can = making them realize that they love you?

[yankeefan74]

You can't talk someone into loving you. If she does love you, then your absense from her life should hurt her enough to motivate her to do something about it.

 

If she really loves you, do you think she'll forget about you?

 

I've never forgotten someone I loved. Even if I no longer love them, they aren't forgotten.

 

For some perspective - in my own situation - after my ex broke up with me last July, I thought I had all the right words to keep her around. I didn't beg and plead, I didn't call her constantly...but we did talk face to face and via email (we work together).

 

Needless to say, it didn't bring her back. In most cases, it just angered her.

 

Then I had vacation. I wasn't at work, so we didn't see each other at all. She called me - even though she was already seeing someone else - to tell me that she was "hurting" because we weren't in contact.

 

So I went right after her - started trying to talk her back into being with me again. Again, it didn't bring her back. What it did, I'm sure, was convince her that she was free to do whatever with this other guy without risk of losing me. I was still on the hook.

 

Every time I have left her alone, she has sought me out in some way. In December, she told me she still had feelings for me and thought about me a lot. She even called me at home one day when I had a day off...just to see if I'd email her at work and talk to her. All of that happened even though she was STILL seeing the guy she got involved with after me.

 

She's asked me out for drinks several times - the latest was a couple of days ago.

 

Basically, the more I leave her alone, the more interested she is. The more I charge after her, the more she runs away.

 

The difference is that I'm leaving her alone now because I see that that's the best way for me to move on and live my life. Before, I was leaving her alone because I saw that in some ways, I actually got MORE attention from her after brief periods of ignoring her. It was a tactic.

 

Regardless of why you stop contacting someone - it helps. You should be able to heal and move on eventually whether your ex comes back to you or not.

 

Do I still have some hope that we'll get back together? Yes, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I do have hope. I still feel hurt at times - her birthday is next week, and it reminds me of us being together last year for her birthday.

 

But I've gotten to the point where i realize that she has had a huge impact on me, and I will always love her because of what her presense in my life, however brief it was, did for me. But I'm free to fall in love with someone else...and that new relationship will be even stronger because of my experiences with my ex.

[SuperDave71]

How can you hold onto something that doesn't hold onto you? You are trying to convince yourself thru her actions that she wants you because toying with you is SOMETHING and by NOT being toyed with means she DOESN'T right?

 

This is deperate thinking and your lack of confidence is obvious. Take a look at all the games she has played and realize that you are not a toy. You are a man that deserves someone to love you and care about you and leave games to Parker Brothers.

 

Think about it...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71