Advice

[soccerdoll47]

So I've been messing with my boyfriend for about two years but we've been officially dating for close to 8 months and we are happily in love. But one day before we got together, I looked in his phone and saw him flirting w a girl months prior and confronted him about it. Ever since then, I've been checking his phone but he gives me the space to and does not hide his phone and vice versa. Recently, he's become friends with a girl and I don't like their relationship. He has gone to her house twice and she lives alone and tries to reassure me nothing is happening and that she is just his friend. For context, I have a lot of male friends. But recently I told him that their relationship makes me uncomfortable and he tries to bring up everything for them to still be friends. It was not until I came to him crying and my brother to step in to for him to see my point of view. I recently went out of town and when I do, I let him use my car. One of the days, he asked her to hang out but she was at work. For context again, she recently did a video with him and wants to edit it with him but that was not seen in the text. I brought it up today and he's saying I ask you what do you want me to do, but I've told him on multiple occassions I am not comfortable with their relationship. What should I do?

[Andrina]

If you have a lot of male friends, why is he crossing a boundary with this one particular female friend? Does he have other female friends? What makes you uncomfortable about this one?

If your reason is valid and you expressed that reason to him, obviously he doesn't fear losing you and also doesn't care that you're upset.

If you break up, know that any new guys in your life won't be okay with you checking their phone unless their self-worth is in the gutter and they're desperate for a gf regardless of that toxic behavior.

[soccerdoll47]

I am friendly with my male friends yes, but I let him hang out with us so he knows it isn't nothing. I have a problem because he got her number because she was cute maybe two years ago and she said it was never gonna go anywhere. He has one other female friend, but that is about it. I have no issue with him being friends with her, my issue is that he's hanging out with her alone at her house and not letting me know certain things after I've expressed my discomfort and that is bothering me. If he feels like a friend is getting to close to me or he does not like the relationship, I either not see them or disconnect for his comfort. All I ask is for the same. Men are oblivious to when women like them, and he does not see it but I do.

Definitely right, I should not be checking his phone because I feel like it shows my discomfort and how I don't trust him but its so hard for me to move on from things that has happened in the past.

[soccerdoll47]

28 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If you have a lot of male friends, why is he crossing a boundary with this one particular female friend? Does he have other female friends? What makes you uncomfortable about this one?

If your reason is valid and you expressed that reason to him, obviously he doesn't fear losing you and also doesn't care that you're upset.

If you break up, know that any new guys in your life won't be okay with you checking their phone unless their self-worth is in the gutter and they're desperate for a gf regardless of that toxic behavior.

I am friendly with my male friends yes, but I let him hang out with us so he knows it isn't nothing. I have a problem because he got her number because she was cute maybe two years ago and she said it was never gonna go anywhere. He has one other female friend, but that is about it. I have no issue with him being friends with her, my issue is that he's hanging out with her alone at her house and not letting me know certain things after I've expressed my discomfort and that is bothering me. If he feels like a friend is getting to close to me or he does not like the relationship, I either not see them or disconnect for his comfort. All I ask is for the same. Men are oblivious to when women like them, and he does not see it but I do.

Definitely right, I should not be checking his phone because I feel like it shows my discomfort and how I don't trust him but its so hard for me to move on from things that has happened in the past.

[smackie9]

It's one thing to already have opposite friends, but it's another to start new ones that push the boundaries of what's appropriate/not appropriate. He ain't gonna change, so that means he doesn't consider your feelings. His actions is what's causing your behavior. That's a toxic cycle. You shouldn't feel or put up with being uncomfortable in your own relationship. What should you do? I would breakup with him.

[Andrina]

20 hours ago, soccerdoll47 said:

If he feels like a friend is getting to close to me or he does not like the relationship, I either not see them or disconnect for his comfort. All I ask is for the same.

He isn't providing the same, so you're incompatible with relationship boundaries. Lots of vetting has to go on when dating. Cut the losers loose as soon as seeing dealbreakers so you can move on to find a better match.

[graphicdesigner]

Sounds fishy to me. But, I am one of those women who has had many male friends, and continues to have male friends. I visit my friend in Atlantic City at least once a year and I stay at his apartment and sleep in his bed and nothing has ever happened, in the 35 years that I have known him. However, we're like best friends and that's a different story to what you're saying about your BF and this 'friend' that has just come into his life. I would be suspicious and if he's disregarding your feelings about how you feel towards their friendship, I would maybe take a break from the relationship.

Also, checking his phone/texts is beyond creepy and out of line. I wouldn't do it. That just proves you don't trust him.

[Cherylyn]

You might want to consider dissolving and exiting the relationship so your boyfriend can be with his female friend to his heart's content. 

[MissCanuck]

On 6/11/2024 at 12:40 AM, soccerdoll47 said:

my brother to step in

This is not appropriate. You are an adult and should not be recruiting family members to intervene in private relationship matters. Don't do that again, no matter how wronged you feel. 

When you get to that point, you need to recognize that you and your boyfriend are incompatibile to the extent that a relationship won't work,. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think its appropriate for him to hang out with her alone at her home. Just as I dont think its appropriate for you to check on his phone and vice versa. 

If you think he is innapropriate and dont trust hin with other women, just break up. Dont expect him to suddenly become appropriate when he already was clear he wont do it.

[Jaunty]

When you were "messing with him" for over a year before solidifying your relationship, was he in a relationship with anyone else?   I'm wondering if you have reason to mistrust him because of your personal experiences.

[LotusBlack]

This relationship is already past the point of working because the foundational pillar of trust is completely absent. It’s not good that you are constantly checking his phone or have a double standard of him not being allowed to have female friends but you are allowed to have male friends. 

In addition, if you have set your boundaries and he is not respecting them or has values that are in alignment with yours, then I wouldn’t be trying to change the goal posts for him so that you can justify staying together. I don’t think this relationship is it for you, sorry, OP.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't flirt with my dude friends.  Never have. Never will. You two may be the wrong fit.  You've told him your non-negotiable, and he chooses her over you time and time again.

The only friend I've ever hooked up, I married.

 

[TeeDee]

What I am getting is that it isn't so much her gender or the friendship in general that is the problem but his lack of transparency & the location where they meet.   If you were included or at least welcome to be included & they met in public rather than at her house you would feel better about the whole thing.  The idea that you have expressed discomfort but he's not making an effort to change is problematic.  

[ShySoul]

On 6/10/2024 at 5:15 PM, soccerdoll47 said:

Men are oblivious to when women like them, and he does not see it but I do.

What are you seeing that indicates she like him as more then a friend? Hanging out together, even at her house, doesn't necessarily mean there is anything more there. She already put an end to the idea of there being something more a long time ago. Is there any actual proof she's trying to do more? Or is this based more on your fears and suspicions?

And if he is oblvious, he's not going to be doing anything with her anyway.

In the end, people should not be trying to control who their partners can and can't be friends with. You shouldn't need to spy or go through a person's phone. People need to learn to trust their partner and have faith that they won't do anything inappropriate.