Can't stop spiraling over hurtful comments boyfriend said YEARS ago. Help?

[adamts13]

 

We are both 25 and men (we are in a gay relationship). He is my first and only boyfriend and sexual partner. I am not his (I’m his fourth). Entering the relationship, I had no qualms with it really, besides being a bit self conscious that I wasn’t as experienced which I opened up with him about relatively early on. He has amazing qualities but there are a few mistakes he made within our first year of dating that I still can’t get past and I want advice (we’re approaching year 3 of our relationship).

1. On our first Valentine’s Day about 5 months into the relationship, we were having sex. We had told each other we loved each other 2 weeks before, and I was feeling very safe and sexy in the moment. We hadn’t had very much penetrative sex at that point, and I was in the receptive role but having trouble. He became frustrated. He has a history of anxiety-inducted ED and is embarrassed by it, but in the moment of frustration he said “Sex with [my ex] was so much easier.” This comparison destroyed me. It haunts me, and continues to make me feel inadequate. He has profusely apologized and said it was never a reflection of me, but rather of himself. He has reflected that it was crappy of him to say. I still can’t get over it. I stayed because I thought I could get over it.

2. He verbatim said that another of his exes was “more objectively attractive” than me, which also hurt me deeply and made me feel insecure about my looks. Again he has apologized profusely but I can’t get over it.

3. He said another ex had a bigger “member” than me, and that it was the biggest he’d ever been with in a very bragging way. I’m not usually one to be insecure about my size but that surely hurt.

A couple other things too but these are the ones that continue to fester the most.

He has apologized and reformed for everything. He is a lot better now. In fact if I met him today he would be my dream man in every way. But I can’t look past these mistakes in the distant past. They continue to haunt me and cause anxiety attacks. I’ve talked to him about all of it.

I’m in therapy and on an SSRI to help build confidence and calm my mind (I have self esteem issues at baseline), but not much is budging. We’re gonna start couples therapy soon too. I just wanted advice here in the meantime, support, and perspectives (being harsh toward me is welcomed!! I need to snap out of this asap). Thanks!

[Batya33]

Is he a lot better or has he stopped making any such comments? What is the reason for couples therapy?

[yogacat]

Sometimes people say stupid stuff like they're talking to you as if you're both chums swapping stories without there being ill intention behind it.

Still, it's tacky.

Nicely ask him to shut it.

[MissCanuck]

You made a thread about this before. 

It seems little has changed. You're still trying to force yourself to accept being very hurt by him. 

Honestly, I would not have kept dating him after those horrible comments. You don't need therapy for this. You needed to find a better boyfriend who doesn't say such mean things to begin with. Some things can't be undone. 

 

[adamts13]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Is he a lot better or has he stopped making any such comments? What is the reason for couples therapy?

He has stopped. Couples therapy is because I can’t trust and he says talking to me about this is like talking to a wall because I won’t accept that he has changed. I want a therapist to help mediate our discussions.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, adamts13 said:

He has stopped. Couples therapy is because I can’t trust and he says talking to me about this is like talking to a wall because I won’t accept that he has changed. I want a therapist to help mediate our discussions.

You've chosen not to accept -not "can't" - has he changed such that he never makes those sorts of comments or just not as often? Why does he need to talk to you about anything if it's not happening -what are the talks about -how do you show you are choosing not to trust him?

[adamts13]

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You've chosen not to accept -not "can't" - has he changed such that he never makes those sorts of comments or just not as often? Why does he need to talk to you about anything if it's not happening -what are the talks about -how do you show you are choosing not to trust him?

He has stopped now. I am still hurt and fear that he’ll do it again. I sure distrust by bringing it up and rejecting compliments if he has previously used them against me (like “not the best though according to you” if he says I’m good at sex). I’m exhausting to date but I’m trying to be better through personal therapy.

[MissCanuck]

Why did you keep dating this guy?

I would have dumped him for those comments ages ago. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Honey, I think it's because we both know that just because your bf doesn't say hurtful things anymore, it doesn't mean he doesn't think of them. 

Have you considered that this is a line crossed and that you need to walk away from this? It's not serving you nor your mental health. Instead of feeling like a better version of yourself around him, you're feeling low about yourself. It's not healthy. 

You are worthy of a loving partner. Someone that doesn't need to have a dig at you nor compare you to others when they are frustrated. You are a good person and you deserve good treatment. The source of your pain cannot be the remedy.

[Batya33]

If it's that bad -how you interact - you need more than a mediator.  I'd walk away.  I don't think you're going to get past this or will "unhear" what he said no matter how much time passes.  Especially since it was multiple comments.

[yogacat]

OP, it's very sad (not in a pathetic, you're sad type of way) but sad that he's made these comments enough to where you're questioning your sexual performance and essentially how attractive you are.

He might be saying all the right things now but honestly, sometimes you just can't take that stuff back. You'll feel like a piece of gum that's been chewed and spat back out. To where now you have to get a mediator and therapist as well as go on meds. Just to work past the damage these insecurities imposed on you.

It's unclear from your post if you had 0 concerns or if you had self esteem issues around your lack of sexual experience and this being your first. You can continue to have your own deep-rooted personal insecurities but the fact that he made these comparisons to multiple exes at multiple times shows zero sensitivity to your feelings.

He can try and make amends but when someone digs a knife in you 10x (that's 3 knives and your self esteem issues growing over years) it's important you realize that the knife holes are still there. They aren't going to heal overnight. It might take a lot of tender love and healing for things to heal. While he's willing to support you through that, thorn in your side as he might be, you must make every active effort to heal. This is doubly so because if 3 years of this relationship have passed and you're not healed, the fear is (right or wrong) that you will never not have those feelings.

This guy has to almost babysit your self esteem and shutter the blinders. If you're fine with that 24/7 care for the rest of your relationship then so be it. If you don't want that 24/7 care, recognize that this might be an insanely tough battle and that maybe it's best you don't amplify your self-esteem issues further by continuing this relationship. Be fair to yourself, be self aware and be proactive.

[smackie9]

So you stay with him and are left with this PTSD to deal with? Uh no hun, you can't keep living in fear or waste money on a therapist. The key to happiness is to walk away from it and him that goes with it.

You know he still thinks it but doesn't say it...why is it YOUR problem? He's the problem.

[Cherylyn]

The problem with blurting out so-called stupid comments is that it's really not stupid at all.  It's what he really thinks. 😒 The only difference is that after his apology,  he'll guard his words better in the future but it's still hurtful for you just the same.  The problem with a "mouth problem" is that once anyone says or writes something offensive,  they can't take it back.  Sure, apologies are nice to hear but the seed of distrust had been implanted within the deep recesses of your brain.  You'll never forget it.  Your negative memory of him is permanent.

His character is what you need to pay attention to.  It's only a matter of time before he'll "accidentally" blurt another disrespectful and very rude comment to you again.  Either wait for it to happen yet again or exit the relationship and be with a person who treats you with respect.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/11/2024 at 11:20 AM, adamts13 said:

I’m in therapy and on an SSRI to help build confidence and calm my mind (I have self esteem issues at baseline), but not much is budging. We’re gonna start couples therapy soon too

It's great you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. He's rather dismissive and insulting to you.

It's an ego trip for him, unfortunately at your expense.  Perhaps with your therapist you can learn more about yourself and dysfunctional relationships . 

Please keep in mind, even with therapy and medical treatment, if you're pouring poison in wounds with him you're in an uphill battle.

[Batya33]

I think people can change over time -someone who is that focused on looks and so selfish as to make those mean and nasty comments can change later in life - but not in this short period of time IMO and yes he thinks his exes were better looking -the only relevant change might be if he didn't care. 

There always will be people who marry or are committed to partners who are less attractive looking than someone from the past -a past spouse, a past relationship.  But that person won't care (other than knowing, realistically that it's basically true) and therefore it will never come up especially not as a comparison.  This person for example -if  you age or your looks change might compare you unfavorably to the past "you" because he has shown you he is focused on looks.  Will he make a comment -yes if he still cares that much and yes if he is still selfish in his behavior (and thoughtless).

When I refer to change I mean a teenager/young adult might have made comments like that and later in life realized how shallow and thoughtless they were- not in this short period of time - I think he's changed as far as not wanting to lose you so he'll tamp down how he reacts but you're right that it might happen again at a "weak" moment.  I don't think he's a good match for you.

[TeeDee]

You need to change your self-talk, that inner dialogue that is making you stressed.  

3 YEARS ago in a stressful setting your BF said some stupid / mean stuff because he was frustrated & immature.   He wasn't accounting for your virginity.  

Yes what he said was awful but presumably there are good things about this relationship that caused you to stay for 3 years.  That is a long time.  

Instead of focusing on the bad past remember the good things, including that he expressed remorse.   Work on your self esteem / self confidence.  With your doctor work to get off the SSRIs to focus on more holistic ways of coping like mediation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise whatever works for you.