Too soon for him? OR am I overthinking?

[Lea1113]

HEY ALL!! Some of you wonderful people helped me last year with a new relationship I started but it ended quickly haha. There was the whole ordeal of him not showering for many days and demanding sex.

ANYWAYS. That ended and I took the time away from the apps, from looking and focused on myself. I had (still have) some things to work out which has gotten so much better.

So, I have now come into a new potential relationship. Here is the situation:

I started seeing this guy in Jan, we are both 34, he is 6 months younger. We seem to have a good connection. Similar interests and goals/dreams. I truly have never met someone where so many things align from favourite colours to both wanting to own an old red mustang. Maybe it’s simple things haha but just the chances of having so many things in common is just so refreshing and new to me. Of course, we find people that enjoy the same movie or music or simple things, but never did I find it to this point where it’s just been so much in common.

Now the issue is this, not really an issue but maybe where my overthinking comes into play.

He ended his 12/13-year relationship in November ‘23. We have talked about it few times and he mention each time how it was over for some time before they officially ended it. I have told him to take his time and not rush into anything.

But the thing is that he has a daughter from this relationship. Soooo this is all very new to me. I never dated someone that had such a long relationship or one with a child in the picture. However, I know at my age (34), my chances are higher of meeting someone that is divorced kids. AND him having a child is not an issue, but it is just very new to me.

So, I am definitely overthinking it all. One, he sees his ex often because of the daughter. Of course. That is a given!

I guess my worry is that they were together for so long, they basically grew up together. Esp the ex and I’m assuming he was her first everything. And I just feel that what if one day she decides to say let’s fix this and I doubt I will be enough to stop him from going back to her.

I have asked like why don’t they try to fix it? And he just keeps saying that they aren’t good together and that she has her ways and neither wanted change nor wanted to achieve the same dreams anymore. That they began to want different things essentially

My struggle is trusting that what he says is true about not wanting to fix it. He also mentioned how they are both proud and that he will never forget how she left him. So, it still makes me feel like maybe there is a chance if one lowered their pride. My second struggle is that he has a daughter. I have no issues with that, but I worry that the ex will use the daughter as a pawn or something once she finds out he is dating. So, I don’t know how to navigate this at all if things go to that extreme.

And third, I just keep comparing myself to her. Of course, I stalked and found her socials, he does not know!! I also think of everything he did with her and will this remind him of her and all that. Like he says he loves a red lipstick and I saw her photo in it so now I’m like no, I don’t want to wear red lipstick! Stupid right? Lol

Anyways, I read a post before where someone gave great advice about not reflecting on his past but enjoying the new connection we form.

I guess I just needed a place to vent and to ask if anyone else has ever been in this situation. I think I am overthinking everything and truthfully, he is the first guy that I started to see where I feel those butterflies (corny I know) but I have not felt this feeling for someone in a very long time and maybe that freaks me out! It is scary to open your heart to someone and I truly feel something for him. Yikes, I’m sweating just thinking about this because I have not admitted that to anyone and it terrifies me to fall in love again.

So, I am looking for similar stories or advice! If you think it’s crazy for me to even try to date someone like him after he just ended a long-term relationship, tell me! Haha or if it’s a challenge to be the other woman when a child is in the picture! I am here for the good and the bad! But thank you for listening!

Also to add, he is very open with his things. If I ask, he tells me openly. We recently discussed how he is doing with the end of his relationship and how he feels. He again said that he does not want to fix things with her.  And that he is forming his future without her in the picture and that he sees us building up our connection and relationship.

AND maybe it is all my past things playing into this because I trusted people before, and they hurt me. So, my guard is up more. But honestly, he has never given me a reason to not trust him. There is no intuitive feeling saying watch this, there is nothing in my head that makes me question anything. The biggest thing I am questioning is if it is too soon to even think about getting more involved with someone that is fresh out of a LONG term relationship.

[Kwothe28]

Its complicated. On one hand, if its over, its over. Not everybody has a burning desire to get back to their exes. At least I never did. Also, people are not automatically on a rebound just because they broke up long relationship. If he wants a new relationship, and not to get back to old one, that is all good for you.

On the other hand, you need to know that dating a single mom/dad isnt easy. Precisely because ex is still looming there and because there is also a kid. A kid that might not even accepts you when you meet each other. Its way different when dating somebody that has no connections with ex, let alone that those connections are mutual kid(s). Meaning that, yes, its way harder by default. And that you need to be ready for that.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

. he is very open with his things. If I ask, he tells me openly. We recently discussed how he is doing with the end of his relationship and how he feels. He again said that he does not want to fix things with her.  And that he is forming his future without her in the picture and that he sees us building up our connection and relationship.

It seems to be going well so far . Even if you're not used someone with children, you can adjust to the situation. He will have a connection with child's mother, if course, but dont be threatened by that. Try to enjoy the relationship and see how things develop.

[Lea1113]

39 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its complicated. On one hand, if its over, its over. Not everybody has a burning desire to get back to their exes. At least I never did. Also, people are not automatically on a rebound just because they broke up long relationship. If he wants a new relationship, and not to get back to old one, that is all good for you.

On the other hand, you need to know that dating a single mom/dad isnt easy. Precisely because ex is still looming there and because there is also a kid. A kid that might not even accepts you when you meet each other. Its way different when dating somebody that has no connections with ex, let alone that those connections are mutual kid(s). Meaning that, yes, its way harder by default. And that you need to be ready for that.

I guess I viewed it as they were together soooo long, that how do you just cut yourself off from each others lives? So it made me think like maybe their would be chances he does have that desire. I guess I just need to trust him when he says he doesn't.

 

AND yes, I know it will be challenging and that is maybe why I am overthinking this more. I know how some women can be when their ex moves on. They demand more or give the child to them less. So that worries me and then of course maybe the daughter won't like me. It seems more challenging. I mean not impossible to overcome and handle. But a different step for me to navigate.  

Thank you for your thoughts!

[Lea1113]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well so far . Even if you're not used someone with children, you can adjust to the situation. He will have a connection with child's mother, if course, but dont be threatened by that. Try to enjoy the relationship and see how things develop.

It is going well so far. I am not use to being able to openly share my feelings with someone. I sometimes question if I should say some of things because in the past I never had this safe space with someone I am dating. It kind of freaks me, which is awful because I deserve a healthy relationship which is how I see this one going. But I am like things are going a little to well and there is no way he is this emotionally mature! haha I even have given it some months to see if he changes, but he continues to be the same. 

I am slightly threatened by his ex, the mother of his daughter. They were together for so long and will be forever connected. That I worry like will he or she ever decide they want to get back together or will he compare me to her in how I am when I meet his daughter or his family.

I am overthinking but it is all such a new situation to me. From a man that listens, understands and doesn't take my feelings as fighting to him being a single dad and being connected to his ex partner. 

I am trying to just enjoy and stop letting my future worries ruin my the present joy that I feel. I know its still soon, but things honestly keep getting better. 

Anyways, thank you for your thought! I appreciate it

[smackie9]

You should trust what he says because it makes sense...people grow apart because people change as they get older. There are never any guarantees in life...always a gamble. Dating is a crapshoot. Just date him and see where it goes. The whole point of starting out is to enjoy one another's company and have fun. If things don't work out, so what. Life will go on. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Smackie. I dated until I was 39.  I dated one man for three months whose ex gf gave birth one month in (yes I knew the situation) -after that I realized it wasn't for me.  I went on one date with a man who was a single dad and realized it wasn't for me since he mentioned he'd want me to stay over -if we got serious-with the kids there in his apartment.  I had no trouble meeting never married men and men who didn't have kids.  My husband and I started dating (again) when we were 38-39.  No kids. Never married.  As was my ex I dated for 7 years on and off.  In my 30s.  Maybe because I lived in a major city.  Single dads would not have been for me I don't think -make sure it is for you -you are right that she will be in his life as the mother of his child as will the child.  

[Lea1113]

42 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You should trust what he says because it makes sense...people grow apart because people change as they get older. There are never any guarantees in life...always a gamble. Dating is a crapshoot. Just date him and see where it goes. The whole point of starting out is to enjoy one another's company and have fun. If things don't work out, so what. Life will go on. 

Thank you for the advice! You are right. Dating sucks and seems to get tougher the older you get hahaha.

I need to just relax and enjoy it. Sometimes I just need that advice from someone that basically says relax, enjoy, and life will go on. haha 🙂 

[Lea1113]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with Smackie. I dated until I was 39.  I dated one man for three months whose ex gf gave birth one month in (yes I knew the situation) -after that I realized it wasn't for me.  I went on one date with a man who was a single dad and realized it wasn't for me since he mentioned he'd want me to stay over -if we got serious-with the kids there in his apartment.  I had no trouble meeting never married men and men who didn't have kids.  My husband and I started dating (again) when we were 38-39.  No kids. Never married.  As was my ex I dated for 7 years on and off.  In my 30s.  Maybe because I lived in a major city.  Single dads would not have been for me I don't think -make sure it is for you -you are right that she will be in his life as the mother of his child as will the child.  

This is the struggle, I feel at this age, it is becoming more common to meet divorced men or men with children. I have given it thought and I am very open to dating someone with a child. I do not think I could date someone whos baby momma was pregnant as we began to date haha. I am glad you soon realized that was not for you!

I live in a major city as well but seems I tend to attract the married men on those apps. So I stopped over a year ago and was not even trying to meet anyone. This one just came naturally. 

I am glad you met someone that matched what you preferred, as you stated it is hard to meet men who are were never married or no have kids.

My biggest fear is that she will become the jealousy ex that turns into a awful woman. 

But I need to chill and just see. Thank you for your reply! I appreciate it 

[boltnrun]

I was married to my husband for 14 years. Got together when I was a teenager. After we divorced I felt absolutely zero desire to reconcile. None. Zip. Zilch. The length of the relationship had zero to do with the fact that we were and are no longer compatible. And we share a child, BTW. Never interfered with either of us dating or forming new relationships.

[yogacat]

I think you're just being anxious for no reason, this dude sounds super normal and fine. You just sound like yourself, giving yourself all these reasons to cast doubt on it lol just relax.

Dating only sucks if you think it sucks. It's funny, I have a family member that would rather stay married in an unfulfilled marriage than go back into dating because "dating sucks."

Sad.

[TeeDee]

I think time will tell.  If things are good, you stressing out will damage things, not him. 

She's his EX for a reason even if they share a child.  She is not going to wake up one day & decides she wants him back.  If he is telling you things were over before they made it official & broke up believe him.  Some people process before they act.  I was one of them.  I'd give somebody every chance before I broke up with them so when I finally did, I was well & truly over it.   Especially if they never married, there has to be a reason they could never commit.  That should be a good deal of evidence for you that there is no going back for him. 

You don't know that they didn't try to fix it before they ended it.  You are assuming they just gave up.  You have no proof & I'd bet they did try.  It wasn't meant to be. 

Be nice to the kid but not obsequious.  

I dated one man with a child.  I will share with you what I said to him every time he tried to use me as a sounding board regarding his EX:  "be generous to your son & fair to his mother."  I also worked very hard not to say anything negative about the EX in front of the kid even though I didn't like her. 

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I think time will tell.  If things are good, you stressing out will damage things, not him. 

She's his EX for a reason even if they share a child.  She is not going to wake up one day & decides she wants him back.  If he is telling you things were over before they made it official & broke up believe him.  Some people process before they act.  I was one of them.  I'd give somebody every chance before I broke up with them so when I finally did, I was well & truly over it.   Especially if they never married, there has to be a reason they could never commit.  That should be a good deal of evidence for you that there is no going back for him. 

Be nice to the kid but not obsequious.  

I dated one man with a child.  I will share with you what I said to him every time he tried to use me as a sounding board regarding his EX:  "be generous to your son & fair to his mother."  I also worked very hard not to say anything negative about the EX in front of the kid even though I didn't like her. 

Agree. When I ended a long term relationship, I had already process the break up way before we actually ended it. Mostly because mentally I had already disconnected myself from the person and felt relieved. 

I also dated a divorced man, his children are beautiful, not once did I feel threat from his ex-wife because all his attention was on me. Right now you're feeling that little green monster of insecurity so block that noise.  

Comparing yourself to the EX is natural but you are not competing with her. You are unique in your own way.  Work on that inner voice. 

All relationships come with baggage, dealbreaker is different for different people.

Sounds like you are concerned about him and his previous relationship with his child's mother, which is normal. However, you don't personally know if they have everything in common, like you and him. Nobody is a mind reader, it takes time to know if two people are truly compatible. 

Give it time so you have more information to make an informed decision. What actually is he like in a relationship? Any red flags?

[boltnrun]

BTW, if he wanted a woman just like his ex... wouldn't he still BE with his ex???

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

I guess I viewed it as they were together soooo long, that how do you just cut yourself off from each others lives?

What makes you think it was a sudden cut-off? 

A lot of long-term couples drift slowly apart over time and feelings change. There are milllions of couples out there who were together a lot longer than these two, and manage to successfully move on to other relationships. 

I would stop asking him questions about their relationship. It sounds like you got the pertinent details and the rest isn't really your business anyway. And for heaven's sake, stop stalking her social media. You're letting fear steer the ship here, and that will run this relationship into the ground faster than you think. 

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I was married to my husband for 14 years. Got together when I was a teenager. After we divorced I felt absolutely zero desire to reconcile. None. Zip. Zilch. The length of the relationship had zero to do with the fact that we were and are no longer compatible. And we share a child, BTW. Never interfered with either of us dating or forming new relationships.

Thank you for sharing you experience! I appreciate it!

I think why I was thinking this is a saw a reel on instagram that stated about not dating someone that just got out of a long-term relationship. So that has stuck in my mind thinking maybe I should back off a little as he heals and processes all of this.

But I like the insight you shared! 

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

BTW, if he wanted a woman just like his ex... wouldn't he still BE with his ex???

Excellent point! I guess I did not think of it this way

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I think you're just being anxious for no reason, this dude sounds super normal and fine. You just sound like yourself, giving yourself all these reasons to cast doubt on it lol just relax.

Dating only sucks if you think it sucks. It's funny, I have a family member that would rather stay married in an unfulfilled marriage than go back into dating because "dating sucks."

Sad.

100%. Exactly what I am doing. I just got into my head these last few days about everything.

I think I am being anxious because everything is going well. I know it is still early, basically in the beginning stages. But I am not use to things going well, so its like I am waiting for something bad to happen. Do not worry, this is something I am working on with counselling! Just had to state this before people say anything about it haha

Oh that is sad for your family member! I guess I should say it sucks, but it is definitely hard. However, I would rather be alone then in an unfulfilled marriage. I hope your family member can one day leave that situation. 

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

I think time will tell.  If things are good, you stressing out will damage things, not him. 

She's his EX for a reason even if they share a child.  She is not going to wake up one day & decides she wants him back.  If he is telling you things were over before they made it official & broke up believe him.  Some people process before they act.  I was one of them.  I'd give somebody every chance before I broke up with them so when I finally did, I was well & truly over it.   Especially if they never married, there has to be a reason they could never commit.  That should be a good deal of evidence for you that there is no going back for him. 

You don't know that they didn't try to fix it before they ended it.  You are assuming they just gave up.  You have no proof & I'd bet they did try.  It wasn't meant to be. 

Be nice to the kid but not obsequious.  

I dated one man with a child.  I will share with you what I said to him every time he tried to use me as a sounding board regarding his EX:  "be generous to your son & fair to his mother."  I also worked very hard not to say anything negative about the EX in front of the kid even though I didn't like her. 

Well from what he said is that they did try to fix it. That the discussed everything for some time. I believe he said it was about one or two years of them in this spot of uncertainty. Then they finally realized nothing was going to change.

I guess, I was just thinking that maybe they would decide to get back together because of their long history. but many that have commented on her gave me great insight like you did. 

I need to relax, stop overthinking and just trust what he is saying. 

And thank you for the advice about how to act with someone that has a child! 

[Lea1113]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Agree. When I ended a long term relationship, I had already process the break up way before we actually ended it. Mostly because mentally I had already disconnected myself from the person and felt relieved. 

I also dated a divorced man, his children are beautiful, not once did I feel threat from his ex-wife because all his attention was on me. Right now you're feeling that little green monster of insecurity so block that noise.  

Comparing yourself to the EX is natural but you are not competing with her. You are unique in your own way.  Work on that inner voice. 

All relationships come with baggage, dealbreaker is different for different people.

Sounds like you are concerned about him and his previous relationship with his child's mother, which is normal. However, you don't personally know if they have everything in common, like you and him. Nobody is a mind reader, it takes time to know if two people are truly compatible. 

Give it time so you have more information to make an informed decision. What actually is he like in a relationship? Any red flags?

I have that green monster of insecurity. You are right! I do need to remind myself that I am not competing and I am unique. Thank you for that statement.

I think I spiraled and just needed some advice. It is all new territory for me but not a dealbreaker. 

I do need to keep taking the time to see if we continue to be compatible and if any red flags appear. So far no red flags or icks. And he shows me that he a genuine, attentive, and caring. 

[boltnrun]

Remember, if you look for trouble you'll usually find it. Or manifest it. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

or will he compare me to her in how I am when I meet his daughter or his family.

Always be your genuine self. If that's not good enough for someone, then he's not your special, forever person.

Instead of worrying about numerous, negative possibilities, why not just stick to what you know your standards are and always let that guide you. The secret is to be a wise dater and to practice resiliency. Have a wait-and-see attitude and let time reveal all. It's ridiculous to fear things won't work out, because if it doesn't, it was for good reason and then you're free to find a keeper. Keep your mindset as, "A guy will treat me like the special person I am or I'm outta there."

The one thing you need to have a rule for yourself on is leaving if his interactions with his ex crosses boundaries. He and his ex should only be communicating about their shared parenting. If conversations veer to personal matters of missing each other or drama about jealousy of them in the dating world or him doing favors for her that have nothing to do with their child, then that's a warning to you that he shouldn't be dating until that part of his life is well into the rearview mirror.

Don't meet his child until you know the relationship has entered a serious stage, which shouldn't even be before the 6 month mark. And then just have the expectation that you and his child will just be pleasant to each other, and that the relationship will builds organically, however that pans out.

I hope everything continues to blossom beautifully.

[Lea1113]

43 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What makes you think it was a sudden cut-off? 

A lot of long-term couples drift slowly apart over time and feelings change. There are milllions of couples out there who were together a lot longer than these two, and manage to successfully move on to other relationships. 

I would stop asking him questions about their relationship. It sounds like you got the pertinent details and the rest isn't really your business anyway. And for heaven's sake, stop stalking her social media. You're letting fear steer the ship here, and that will run this relationship into the ground faster than you think. 

I guess because he mentioned that they only speak in regards to their daughter. So I guess it was more of me processing how do you go from living together, being each others sounding board, then poof, it ends.

True, the rest is not my business. He told me the information I needed to know, and that I asked to know. And yes, I found her social media, looked at it once and that was it haha. 

I am letting fear steer the ship, you are right. I think I spiraled into a lot of thinking these past few days. 

BUT I received some amazing insight and advice from this group including yourself. SO THANK YOU!

[Lea1113]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Remember, if you look for trouble you'll usually find it. Or manifest it. 

So true! I need to relax and stop spiraling over nothing. Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

So I guess it was more of me processing how do you go from living together, being each others sounding board, then poof, it ends.

Becauase again, it more than likely wasn't the "poof" you're imagining. 

Long-term couples rarely experience that kind of break-up (excluding those with some sort of sudden event that changes everything). What is more likely is that things shifted over time and they weren't as close anymore by the time they actually split. There could have been any number of contributing factors, but it was probably an accumulation of problems over time. 

Be careful not to project your own fears and invent a narrative in your head about what their relationship (and break-up) was like. You're fretting over hypotheticals you haven't actually seen evidence of. 

[Lea1113]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Always be your genuine self. If that's not good enough for someone, then he's not your special, forever person.

I can not love your response enough! Thank you so much!

This part you stated hit the most. I dated someone before that made me feel I was not good enough for him or his family. So somethings that feeling and little voice do not leave your head or heart no matter how much you work on it or how long it has been.

So it is that green monster of insecurity that is coming back and saying these things. 

I do need to just be my genuine self because I think I am a great person.

9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's ridiculous to fear things won't work out, because if it doesn't, it was for good reason and then you're free to find a keeper. Keep your mindset as, "A guy will treat me like the special person I am or I'm outta there."

I love this look at it all. I like the positive spin and the outlook you have. 

Overall, your response was very insightful and thank you so much! I have set boundaries on what I do not like in regards to him speaking with the ex. And I have not even brought up meeting his daughter because I know I am not ready for that haha. 

Thank you again. I need to stop looking for the negatives!