The Trend of Early Personal Questions in Dating: Are They Appropriate?

[yogacat]

So this guy messaged me. He is asking me a lot of personal questions - mainly what I look for in a man, what my vision of a romantic relationship is.  I've only known him for a short period of time and haven't met him in person.

Aside from the above example, what has your experience been with these types of conversations? Are you comfortable answering really deep questions so early on? I am not actively dating but I've noticed men asking very personal questions very early on in conversations when you just meet in person or otherwise seems to be becoming more common. My initial thought is that those types of questions are best reserved for when you know someone better but obviously there is a difference between what works for one person and another.

This isn't about this particular person, I am just curious to hear other people's perspectives and experiences on this matter.

Part of me feels like, hey, if someone is interested and wants to get to know me, why hold back? But another part of me feels like those types of questions can come across as too intense or but maybe I'm just being too guarded.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

So this guy messaged me. He is asking me a lot of personal questions - mainly what I look for in a man, what my vision of a romantic relationship is.  I've only known him for a short period of time and haven't met him in person.

 

Some people like this interview style banter. There are people who are actually flattered and think it's a sign of interest to be nosy. 

They seem like survey questions since you're not even interested in dating him. Perhaps he's collecting general data for his own experience when he meets some who wants to date him? 

But why bother answering personal questions when you're not even interested?

[ShySoul]

On one hand, I easily get annoyed with superficial conversations and crave deep meaninful conversations. On the other hand, I don't like to open up too much unless I feel I know and can trust you. So it's a mixed bag in my book. Overall though, I'd lean on the side of having those conversations early, as soon as you are both comfortable. Deeper talks are when you get to know the real person, who they are at their core. You see just what their values are and where they stand on things that matter to you, things that will determine just how far this is likely to go. Why wouldn't you want to know those things?

My personal experience comes more from a get to know someone as friends then devlop romantic interest in each other perspective, but I think these topics have come up fairly early. Relationships come up as a topic naturally and I try to be an open book on my views. Generally that openness and honesty gets reflected back. Of course, since we're just friends (at least at that point) that's bound to relieve some of the pressure and tension. I'm sure it's a little harder when it's a date situation.

I feel like everything is more sped up these days. People need an answer now and have to know where this is going and if it will work or if they are wasting their time and should just drop it to move onto the next potential person. I'm wondering if that's what you are feeling? Could it be tied to the dating app culture of immediately swipe this way to accept or swipe the other to reject? There's always another profile, another possibility. So if I need to figure out right now by asking these questions if I should invest the time or if I should move on. Personally, I think a lot could be gained by slowing down.

[Coily]

I think it's part of the whole OLD dating conundrum, basically trying to weed out someone as quickly as possible. Having been on the receiving end a few times of that sort of probing question, I just kind of concluded that someone is looking for a flaw to move on, rather than get invested.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

So this guy messaged me. He is asking me a lot of personal questions - mainly what I look for in a man, what my vision of a romantic relationship is.

You mean standard dating questions? 

Dont get me wrong there are some weird ones that I got(for example straight up asking about my last relationship and such). But what you got is pretty much standard questions when you want to get to know somebody. Not very personal but something from which they can find out more about you. For example, if a woman says "I need the man who can smack the fist against the table" I know that she is asking for a brutus who would smack her every now and then and that I dont have anything to seek there. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@yogacatI hear ya!  It's one thing that threw me off about my recent date!

Our online chats were light and fun, no heavy discussions about what we're looking for etc.  

When we met in person, he asked me a lot of questions similar to what you experienced which indicated interest, however I'm not accustomed to men being quite so probing early in and also my nature is more spontaneous getting to know a man gradually and organically.

Even with regard to what each of us are seeking, which like @Kwothe28said are standard dating questions that many people welcome!  

I'm starting to realize that, for ME, my discomfort with these types of questions is an 'avoidance' tactic which I'm taking steps to understand and resolve!

Like you said though, everyone has their own reasons for feeling that discomfort, which discomfort may also change depending on the person asking and how generally comfortable you feel with them.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

So this guy messaged me. He is asking me a lot of personal questions - mainly what I look for in a man, what my vision of a romantic relationship is.  I've only known him for a short period of time and haven't met him in person.

Was this on a dating app? If so they seem like standard screening questions.  Are you interested in dating or meeting in person? Otherwise why bother? 

[Batya33]

When I dated my profile was specific -albeit a short list -as to what I was looking for.  Marriage and a family and I had a specific short list of the musts of the other person and 3 "No" (no excessive drinking/no illegal drugs/no smoking)

I'm not a fan of abstract questions generally. Especially from near strangers and if asked what I was looking for -that would have been -to me -redundant of what my profile said.  Getting into the weeds is so individual -I didn't have a detailed framework of what a day to day marriage would look like or feel like - maybe some people do!

I did welcome personal questions about - religious values, future plans like whether I was planning to move elsewhere, where my family lived and if we were close, whether I had thoughts on being a SAHM someday.  Why I chose my career, what my career plans were in the future.  I did not like any questions about my sexual preferences or sex-related -that to me was irrelevant at that stage except if the person had a fetish (and if so we likely should not meet), and way too personal/intrusive.  Also when my last relationship ended was fine too, and sure how many serious relationships I'd had.

Once we met and dated a couple of times I liked opening up like a multilayered package on both ends - I was never a fan of insta-relationship or thinking that a deep meaningful conversation substituted at all for getting to know a person over a long period of time.  

[yogacat]

I am asking in general because I prefer not answering detailed, personal questions to people I hardly know.

But @rainbowsandrosesmade a good point, I think it depends on your comfort level with the person. The few men that I have met in my life, commented how "intriguing" I was and they just want to learn more.

I am not so sure if intriguing is the right word to describe it, but I wonder if it is a line so to speak or just for them to continue the conversation, or maybe it is just their way of saying something nice. I am not sure.

I've never felt disrespected. Haven't had deep probing questions about sex or anything of that nature, but I tend to feel embarrassed when they start talking about romance early on. As I mentioned, I am not actively looking to date (just got out of a LTR) so maybe I'm just a little out of touch with a few things. 

[Jibralta]

In my experience, guys who asked me very personal questions and shared very personal details about their own lives--early on--were generally trouble. The "very personal" topics included past relationships, family dynamics, abusive situations, and (of course) sex. Basically the visceral stuff, the things you generally don't talk about with people on an everyday basis because the topics tend to be heavy and burdensome. But stuff that you do want to talk about.

Having an attractive person to share your most intimate thoughts and experiences with is alluring. But I found that when it came so early in the relationship, it was a false sense of intimacy. After a couple unpleasant experiences, I learned to recognize that seemingly pleasant situation as a red flag. 

I think some probing questions are 'normal.' For example, I think that "what are you looking for in a relationship" is a pragmatic question that I would be happy to answer. It's better to be on the same page from day one, and not find out two years down the line that your partner wants kids when you don't. 

Personally, I think that "what is your vision of a romantic relationship" is a weird question to ask, and it would put me off.

[mylolita]

Afternoon Yoga!!!!! 🧘‍♀️! 
 

I have only ever dated my husband so I can’t really speak on this at all with experience 🥲 but by the second or third date we can discussed if we were looking to get married, how many kids (in a half joke, half serious way) religion, politics… stances on other moral things and generally what our plans were and where we wanted to go and do. He also asked me about if I would be going to university, if I would be staying in the area, what my childhood was like, if I had close friends and what I liked to do… how long I’d been at my job, what past jobs I’d had. I did ask him about ex girlfriends on date 3 and he did tell me very quickly he had just recently come out of a 7 year relationship and he had moved in with her and within that year it had gone south. He also told me that they parted ways because they were more good friends like brother and sister, than romantic partners. 
 

I also met his parents very early on (first week of knowing him) and met all his friends after our second date. 
 

It was probably a bit intense to some but we were just so compatible! And I would be extremely curious anyway, I think I simply am, and often have no filter, so for better or for worse, this seems to be a pattern with me and, it goes the same way with friendships! 
 

Basically, I’m secretly like, tell me everything, now now now!!! And I want to know all the major and minor stuff and delight in it all! 
 

But I do understand that can be seen as very forward and untactful and even stupid. But then again, the people who don’t like that very open and forward approach tend to not get on with me so it’s been a great “weeding out” sieve as well! 
 

It doesn’t sound too crazy to me but then again, it’s how respectfully and nicely and politely the guy asks at the end of the day? If it’s crude and badly done - of course no! If it’s giving creepy strange vibes, again, you can rule that out straight away I imagine! But if you’ve got sparks and the connection of a lifetime and you can’t stop talking till 5am and then want to carry on some after that, that is where impulsive deep and very private conversations and information can be swapped and, to me, deliciously so! 🥰

 

x

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

In my experience, guys who asked me very personal questions and shared very personal details about their own lives--early on--were generally trouble. The "very personal" topics included past relationships, family dynamics, abusive situations, and (of course) sex. Basically the visceral stuff, the things you generally don't talk about with people on an everyday basis because the topics tend to be heavy and burdensome. But stuff that you do want to talk about.

Having an attractive person to share your most intimate thoughts and experiences with is alluring. But I found that when it came so early in the relationship, it was a false sense of intimacy. After a couple unpleasant experiences, I learned to recognize that seemingly pleasant situation as a red flag. 

I think some probing questions are 'normal.' For example, I think that "what are you looking for in a relationship" is a pragmatic question that I would be happy to answer. It's better to be on the same page from day one, and not find out two years down the line that your partner wants kids when you don't. 

Personally, I think that "what is your vision of a romantic relationship" is a weird question to ask, and it would put me off.

Oh. Don't get me wrong. No talk about past negative relationship experiences or anything of that nature or anything that you described. More so, what are my hopes and dreams towards relationships, what keeps me inspired to date, things like that.

I've said, I am not really comfortable with answering this since it feels more appropriate for going forward.

But as I said, it keeps on coming back as well as why I don't want to share things. Then I start to think, is it me and my discomfort of sharing things?

One date I was on, we were bantering back and forth and then he wanted to know what makes me feel beautiful, alive or something along those lines. Which, I shared truthfully but it's the more intimate questions about what's my idea of romance and questions of that nature that I stop and pause but then he goes to share his first and what he really likes. 

Anyway, just food for thought in my mind to get some other perspectives. 🙂

58 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I have only ever dated my husband so I can’t really speak on this at all with experience 🥲 but by the second or third date we can discussed if we were looking to get married, how many kids (in a half joke, half serious way) religion, politics… stances on other moral things and generally what our plans were and where we wanted to go and do. He also asked me about if I would be going to university, if I would be staying in the area, what my childhood was like, if I had close friends and what I liked to do… how long I’d been at my job, what past jobs I’d had. I did ask him about ex girlfriends on date 3 and he did tell me very quickly he had just recently come out of a 7 year relationship and he had moved in with her and within that year it had gone south. He also told me that they parted ways because they were more good friends like brother and sister, than romantic partners. 
 

I also met his parents very early on (first week of knowing him) and met all his friends after our second date. 
 

It was probably a bit intense to some but we were just so compatible! And I would be extremely curious anyway, I think I simply am, and often have no filter, so for better or for worse, this seems to be a pattern with me and, it goes the same way with friendships! 
 

Basically, I’m secretly like, tell me everything, now now now!!! And I want to know all the major and minor stuff and delight in it all! 
 

But I do understand that can be seen as very forward and untactful and even stupid. But then again, the people who don’t like that very open and forward approach tend to not get on with me so it’s been a great “weeding out” sieve as well! 
 

It doesn’t sound too crazy to me but then again, it’s how respectfully and nicely and politely the guy asks at the end of the day? If it’s crude and badly done - of course no! If it’s giving creepy strange vibes, again, you can rule that out straight away I imagine! But if you’ve got sparks and the connection of a lifetime and you can’t stop talking till 5am and then want to carry on some after that, that is where impulsive deep and very private conversations and information can be swapped and, to me, deliciously so!

I think my approach would be somewhat similar to what you have described🤔 But again I'll figure that out when I am out there. 

Thank you for sharing your story ❤️ I am very glad you and your husband hit it off so soon and made so in depth conversations. Life is good like that sometimes! So happy for you 🌹😊 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

But as I said, it keeps on coming back as well as why I don't want to share things. Then I start to think, is it me and my discomfort of sharing things?

I think it's because you're not looking for an LTR  -or actively looking-so the questions come across as particularly intrusive and probing/out of bounds.

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's because you're not looking for an LTR  -or actively looking-so the questions come across as particularly intrusive and probing/out of bounds.

100 percent. I think you nailed it.  I try to redirect conversations or move on when friends of friends start asking about my dating life... lol. 

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

He is asking me a lot of personal questions - mainly what I look for in a man, what my vision of a romantic relationship is.

I'd wonder if he's looking for a roadmap to your heart and/or a shortcut/fast path to knocking boots if he can pull off acting according to your wants.

I've been out of the dating game for a while, but if I were in your shoes, I'd just be  honest and say you'd prefer sticking to topics like careers, pets, types of music you like, etc., at this early stage.

I remember a guy I never ended up having a first meet with was so burned out by giving his life story on all these first meets that never turned into more. It would be easy to to get burned out divulging such serious topics to mere strangers, over and over.

Of course, once chemistry is established in person, and you enjoy a person's company enough to go on several more dates, it's perfectly fine and wise to discuss dating/life goals to find out if you two match and should continue on or not.

[rainbowsandroses]

@yogacatI mentioned this in my previous but what are your thoughts about your discomfort possibly being about "avoidance"?

A tendency to keep men at a certain distance emotionally, not allowing them IN all the way?  To your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your world? 

At what point in a relationship do you allow your walls to come down, if ever?

I am mostly projecting as I am the same.  And in the past I've attracted men who are also the same.  Like attracted like.

With this new man I've discussed in my threads, he is NOT this way.   He is NOT emotionally distant, he is interested and has demonstrated that by asking lots of questions wanting to learn about and get to know me.

Which for me caused me a great deal of discomfort during our first meet, a certain anxiety and fear of wanting to get too close too soon.

For ME anyway as I've been an avoidant in virtually all my relationships.

I think it's good to be challenged but one must be ready for it.  Ready to dive deeper into their own inner core, discover new things about themselves in order to learn and grow and actually achieve what they claim to have been wanting all along - a close committed relationship.

$.02.

 

[Batya33]

If I take what yogacat wrote it’s not avoidance to simply not want anything serious. And if you don’t it makes sense to have boundaries. It’s like how I am with certain coworkers. I know we’d be very close outside the office but I’m not looking for issues within the office so I avoid going deep on certain topics. 

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Oh. Don't get me wrong. No talk about past negative relationship experiences or anything of that nature or anything that you described. More so, what are my hopes and dreams towards relationships, what keeps me inspired to date, things like that.

I've said, I am not really comfortable with answering this since it feels more appropriate for going forward.

But as I said, it keeps on coming back as well as why I don't want to share things. Then I start to think, is it me and my discomfort of sharing things?

One date I was on, we were bantering back and forth and then he wanted to know what makes me feel beautiful, alive or something along those lines. Which, I shared truthfully but it's the more intimate questions about what's my idea of romance and questions of that nature that I stop and pause but then he goes to share his first and what he really likes. 

Anyway, just food for thought in my mind to get some other perspectives. 🙂

I think my approach would be somewhat similar to what you have described🤔 But again I'll figure that out when I am out there. 

Thank you for sharing your story ❤️ I am very glad you and your husband hit it off so soon and made so in depth conversations. Life is good like that sometimes! So happy for you 🌹😊 

I think you are right Yoga and the type of free and easy, effortless bit almost stream of excited consciousness comes when you really get that “lightening strike” connection! 
 

Sometimes people have this with amazing friendships as well, or certain family members they favour over others! 
 

I am excited to hear about when you do meet a special guy Yoga! 😘

 

x

[mylolita]

59 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I take what yogacat wrote it’s not avoidance to simply not want anything serious. And if you don’t it makes sense to have boundaries. It’s like how I am with certain coworkers. I know we’d be very close outside the office but I’m not looking for issues within the office so I avoid going deep on certain topics. 

Smart!

 

x

[mylolita]

Also, sorry, I’m rambling here with ideas but, how people interact as near strangers setting up dates or on dates, might be to do with their personalities? 
 

I’m sorry to generalise, but certain personalities, maybe flamboyant or extroverted types, may be much more comfortable divulging and prying earlier on than more inward, sensing, introverted types? 
 

People need various times to warm up to a stranger. I think an example of this is, some people seem to make instant fast friends, others, to consider them a “true friend” would need years. It all depends. I get the feeling dating and first meets/first chats are like this. It depends on how the two partners personalities mingle! 
 

Having someone very much like yourself is not always as good as it sounds either. You need the right balance! I hate to be corny, but it’s like, you’re YING to their YANG! ❤️

 

x

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

I'd wonder if he's looking for a roadmap to your heart and/or a shortcut/fast path to knocking boots if he can pull off acting according to your wants.

So funny, I thought the same thing. Asking myself, "Electronically? Really? Is this cold-messaged, or have you been chatting at all, first? Has he offered any of this info about himself?"

I mean, what I'm looking for, that's easy. So easy, it would be in my profile--so apparently, dude is not interested enough to read a profile. But romantic vision? That would make me squirm. Sounds romance-scammy, I dunno--like asking for a template.

@yogacat, I don't think it's just you. I guess context means a lot. Do these questions come in after you've messaged a bit? Are they set up like numbered questions on a quiz? 

 

[Wiseman2]

Level of sharing, especially with strangers may be cultural as well as personal depending on how outgoing you are or what the norms are culturally with regard to talking about yourself.

As far as these particular questions this (dating app?) friend whatever was asking they're very general and people usually answer them in vague useless ways anyway.

Such as what are you looking for in....? What are people going to say? "I'm looking for an axe murder" or "someone with a smile and a sense of humor"? So in a way the questions seem kind of useless. 

[mylolita]

I will add again like a broken record my personal mantra is… these questions or chats are so much better received and interpreted when in real life! 
 

I would say Yoga maybe best to quickly get him in an actual date to suss him properly out or cut him loose if you’re just not feeling it! 
 

x

[kim42]

I'm.okay with answering questions such as 'what are you looking for?', I think these are standard questions. I'm not the biggest fan of online dating and I prefer meeting men in real life but when I do use dating apps, I usually stick to a basic chat until we meet. And then on a first meet/date, I don't like getting too persomal either, especially if I don't know that guy.

It's also a red flag for me if a guy overshares on a first date, I had a few experiences like this and I felt like a therapist!

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

I'd wonder if he's looking for a roadmap to your heart and/or a shortcut/fast path to knocking boots if he can pull off acting according to your wants.

I've been out of the dating game for a while, but if I were in your shoes, I'd just be  honest and say you'd prefer sticking to topics like careers, pets, types of music you like, etc., at this early stage.

I remember a guy I never ended up having a first meet with was so burned out by giving his life story on all these first meets that never turned into more. It would be easy to to get burned out divulging such serious topics to mere strangers, over and over.

Of course, once chemistry is established in person, and you enjoy a person's company enough to go on several more dates, it's perfectly fine and wise to discuss dating/life goals to find out if you two match and should continue on or not.

Yes, a roadmap, that's what it seems like. 

I would say he's just more on the side of wanting to deeply understand me. Sometimes I don't want to be so careful about a person, like "oh ***, I can't let him know I love penguins, whatever advice to I have to follow, etc."

He asked me for a date. I'm sitting on it.😆

And no, this isn't from a dating app.