to breakup or not to breakup

[Summerbabie]

So I’m kind of conflicted of what I should do in this situation. My current partner and I have been seeing each other for a year now. We started off as casual last April and then became exclusive in mid June. We hit a grey area because he never asked me to be his girlfriend, but when I asked him how he felt and if he was thinking we were already in a relationship he said yes. This was in December. I only asked because I didn’t want to assume anything. Anyway, currently I can confidently say I love him. Again, I was left in the dark about his feelings since he hadn’t said anything about this topic. I ended up asking him once again how he felt and if he loved me. He said to me “love is a strong word” and that he “enjoys spending time with me” and “likes me a lot” I was just kind of sitting there like it’s been a year of us being in each others lives and you don’t know if you have those feelings for me yet? Doesn’t that…kinda sound off? he could just be taking alittle longer to develop feelings as I didn’t develop them right away, but my point is if I love him and he doesn’t feel the same, am I wasting my time here? It’s been a year..I just don’t know if I should give him alittle more time or if I should just cut my losses. My first thought was if he hasn’t developed feelings by now he won’t. Am I wrong in thinking that way? 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Summerbabie said:

L I was just kind of sitting there like it’s been a year of us being in each others lives and you don’t know if you have those feelings for me yet? Doesn’t that…kinda sound off? he could just be taking alittle longer to develop feelings as I didn’t develop them right away, but my point is if I love him and he doesn’t feel the same, 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems happy with the nebulous coasting along status quo.  He keeps sidestepping the issue because it's convenient and you haven't walked away from this indifference.

Please reflect if waiting around for someone who doesn't care is worth your while. Perhaps it's time to set yourself free to find someone who wants what you want and is enthusiastic about it? 

[TeeDee]

Nobody takes a year to develop feelings.  

This guy is stringing you along IMO

To figure out whether to break up, make a pros & cons list.  When you see things on paper the situation should become clearer for you

[Andrina]

IMO, those words he said are normal coming from a friend. But, of course, as you know, those feelings should have transformed to love after a whole year with you. Doesn't really matter why, as people are complex, plus they might not be truthful if you asked the reason.

If it were me, I couldn't feel comfortable moving on with someone in this one-sided situation. If you continue, I'd definitely set a timeline of no more than 4 months more before breaking it off. 

I did have a female friend who dated a guy and he never told her he loved her, and she refused to say it unless he did. They dated a year and a half and broke up for a bit when she found he was still in communication with exes. They got back together and were planning on buying a house together. I told her I'd never buy a house with a man who never told me he loved me. She did so anyway, and sure enough, after another year and a half together, she found out he was once again communicating with exes. It was true that he didn't love her since a man who loved a woman wouldn't do her dirty like this. She ended up buying him out of the house. Just one instance that I know of where a man didn't break up with a woman he didn't love, for whatever reason, and how it all did not end well.

[smackie9]

A sure confident man says what he says....that means they will tell you without hesitation what you mean to them, and how committed he is with his words and actions that match. He doesn't drag his feet for months. Me personally would never sit around and wait and ponder "what are we?" I would say to part ways because your expectations, and what you need isn't there. You have already spent enough of your time on this. 

[Batya33]

If you knew how things were between you two would never change, how long would you stay? Sounds like you've always been more into him than he has been into you.  And that is still the case.  He is not in your life in a serious way -not in the serious way you seem to want.   Love is a strong word.  Responding like that means he doesn't feel strongly about you.  You're a placeholder.  You want to be more than someone's placeholder.  Did you start off casual because you settled for casual? Sounds like it. He was content to have a casual or sexual arrangement and then let you take the lead -never tried to make you his, never cared if you got snapped up by someone else.

How old are you? Do you want marriage or a long term commitment? Maybe a child? Then stop wasting your time.  He is not that guy.  I'm sorry.

[catfeeder]

Given that you haven't felt comfortable enough with him to have the kind of intimate conversations that people in love typically have, it's understandable if this isn't enough for you.

I can only speak for myself, and a tepid companion wouldn't do it for me, either. I'd prefer to be alone unless I'm making room in my life for someone who is as crazy about me as I am for him.

[ShySoul]

Ever heard of the Five Love Languages? https://5lovelanguages.com/learn

Not everybody expresses their feelings in the same manner. Some people are much more verbal in expressing their feelings. They will have have no problem saying the word love or any number of compliments expressing their feelings. Others may not be as comfortable, preferring their actions to do the talking for them. 

It seems he might not be big on talking about emotions. He takes for granted that you'll know because of how things currently stand. In his mind, if you were exclusive, that was a way of saying how he felt. Formally asking to be his girlfriend may have felt unnecssary. To him, obviously he cared for you a lot because he was willing to only be with you. 

I'm also curious what his past relationship history is like. Or what kind of relationships has he been around (parents, family, close friends, etc.). Could there be something he's seen that would make him cautious of using the word love? 

None of this is to say you are wrong in your feelings. If you feel it, then it's real and valid. If it's been a year, I would want to be clear on where things stand as well. I would hope the person would be able to say they love me. But I also know there are a million reasons why people do what they do that may not be a reflection of how they feel about me.

I'd look at the whole relationship. Is he showing you that he loves you? Does he do the little things that show he thinks of you and is trying to make you happy? Does he demonstrate that he really knows you, the person you are at your core? Does he remember things about you? And most importantly, is this enough for you or do need that more verbal aspect? If you feel you need more from him, talk it over with him. He may not realize that's a problem simply because it's not how his mind works. And if you still can't make it work, it's okay to walk away. We all deserve someone to love us the way we need to be loved.

[MissCanuck]

On 5/3/2024 at 9:44 PM, Summerbabie said:

he could just be taking alittle longer to develop feelings as I didn’t develop them right away

It's been a year, though. It's not "right away."

This guy is not the right one for you. He doesn't feel the way you do, and he doesn't know how to tell you that directly. But his choices of words tell you what you need to know.