Hello friends, I’m back with another pickle

[Coldarmy13]

it’s good to see all the familiar faces still here and still helping others. Thank you ahead of time for reading the whole mess.

 

I’ve been in a rough spot the last couple of weeks over an important friendship I had that was on the verge of becoming more.. before I ruined everything.

We met at a bar we both frequent, where she recently started working at in the kitchen. We met about four months ago and hit it off as friends. Enjoying griping over online dating dates, shooting pool and people watching. She’s 30. 

About three months in, after breaking off a short term thing she had going, she starting getting sweet with me. We became closer. We’d meet up there twice a week, texting everyday. She’s a big texter and I was always happy for the conversation. She eventually told me how I was really great and that she loved me. She’d reiterate that along with other nice things like missing me and looking forward to the next time we’d go up there. I reciprocated of course, after allowing my walls to come down because I really believed her and had spent a lot of time together and talking about things. 

A few weeks ago she suggested that next time we meet up on that Tuesday, we should talk about us and maybe start really dating. To talk in person and really see if that was something we both wanted. I said I’d love to do that. It really feels like it grew organically. I was more than happy just being her friend. After she suggested that, and after a couple times where she kissed me after a couple of our usual me walking her to her car moments. Needless to say, I’ve really caught feelings the more it seemed to be heading in the direction of being together.

I started taking a medication for my blood pressure a couple of weeks ago, that will come into play soon. I’ve been really careful about my drinking on account of it. 

Anyway, we meet up a week and a half ago with intention of talking more about how we felt about things. This night she got caught up in playing pool and chatting with others.. so she never came and sat down long enough for us to really talk. That annoyed me a bit because of it being her idea to broach the subject, in person that night, and simply playing pool instead. Seems like both could’ve happened. But I let that go. Fast forward to the following Friday, where we both talked the whole week about it and talking in person again about it. Her shift ran two hours over, and by the time she had come sit by me I had been drinking a bit. Someone sent me a shot of tequila, which I really don’t do shots anymore, but was in a good mood and drank it. She seemed really tired, understandably, just getting off of work, so I asked if she’d like to wait to talk about us for another time. She said yes. I accepted that and things were going okay after that. 

Maybe a half hour later, the lights went out. I remember nothing after that. Which is scary because I don’t remember going home, which I’m ashamed of because that isn’t responsible. I woke up the next morning and looked at our chat history and I just was going off on her for all kinds of stupid stuff. No memory of sending any of it. From the little she did tell me, we walked to our cars and I got really upset that she wouldn’t go home with me. The texts I sent after I got home are more of the same. I read all of that and my heart stopped. Such a scary thing, a majority of it was not how I felt about her. She didn’t deserve that at all. At 39 years old I’ve never blacked out from any amounts of drinking and can only assume it’s the medication in combination with the shot.

Needless to say she was really upset at me and didn’t respond to any of my apologies and taking accountability for how I acted. Telling her what she means to me and that was way out of line. That it isn’t how I feel about us, that she didn’t deserve that whatsoever. Also that I have no recollection of any of it at all. She left my messages on read all weekend. Finally, on the following Monday, she blocked me. 

I’ve since seen her last Friday up there, where I cautiously approached her (we were with mutual friends up there) when the time seemed okay, and apologized to which she said knew I was sorry. She said she just needed time. Yesterday, Monday, she was by the entry to the kitchen when I walked in. I didn’t expect her to be working so I felt bad and didn’t want to force any conversation since she had said she needed time just a week and change before that. So I tried to walk through the people by her and pretended to not notice she was there. She hit me on the side to get my attention and we both said hi and she reached out for a half one armed hug. I asked her how work was and she said she was tired. That was pretty much it. Later in the night as I was leaving we had a little hug and I wished her a good shift and she thanked me and told me to drive safe. She could’ve just let me walk by, but she didn’t. 

I simply don’t know how to proceed, she still hasn’t unblocked me or reached out. I’m sure I’ll see her on Friday night. I don’t know I should feel it out and ask if we could talk, or just let it be and leave the ball in her court?  Have no idea what to make of anything right now. I’ve felt awful for messing things up, albeit having no memory of what happened. Part of me really hopes, after four months of being pretty close, she’d see how out of character that was for me and give us another chance. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you blacked out! It seems to me she was also looking for an excuse not to pursue anything further.  Do you know if you treated her badly after you did the shot? Was the apology only about being that drunk in front of her?

[Andrina]

How very strange that you two didn't arrange such an important thing, a discussion about trying to date, at a place outside of her workplace. Do either of you enjoy leisure time at places that don't involve a pool bar and drinking alcohol? 

I'd say if I messed up this bad because of alcohol use, the way to prove this that this egregious behavior wouldn't happen again is to no longer imbibe.

But apparently this seems like your social life revolves around this place and that's what your friends do, too. So I'm guessing you won't want to change a thing. If not, at least arrange for Uber or a taxi for those outings since you drove incapacitated that night, and it could happen again with worse consequences next time.

She really doesn't sound that serious about taking it to a dating situation since she blew off the talk when it'd been scheduled. I'd leave the ball in her court since you already explained yourself. What's your relationship history and the reasons past relationships ended?

 

[Coldarmy13]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you blacked out! It seems to me she was also looking for an excuse not to pursue anything further.  Do you know if you treated her badly after you did the shot? Was the apology only about being that drunk in front of her?

I’m sorry maybe I wasn’t clear on that super long post. What little I got from her is that I was really upset she wouldn’t come home with me. By reading the barrage of texts I sent her once I got home, it probably wasn’t nice. Which is so bizarre because I’ve been nothing like that since we’ve known each other and have been out drinking numerous times. 
 

My numerous apologies the entire weekend and attempted explanations the whole weekend after were about how I know I have no memory of what happened.. but from what I read I apologized for her going through that. That it had to be the medication, but that it didn’t make it right and she didn’t deserved any of that. Also, that she meant the world to me and all of what she said I did and what I read the next day was how I felt at all. It feels ridiculous, but that it was not me at all. 
 

I also apologized in person last Friday, to which she said she knows I’m sorry and that she needed time.

[Coldarmy13]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How very strange that you two didn't arrange such an important thing like trying to date at a place outside of her workplace. Do either of you enjoy leisure time at places that don't involve a pool bar and drinking alcohol? 

I'd say if I messed up this bad because of alcohol use, the way to prove this that this egregious behavior wouldn't happen again is to no longer imbibe.

But apparently this seems like your social life revolves around this place and that's what your friends do, too. So I'm guessing you won't want to change a thing. If not, at least arrange for Uber or a taxi for those outings since you drove incapacitated that night, and it could happen again with worse consequences next time.

She really doesn't sound that serious about taking it to a dating situation since she blew off the talk when it'd been scheduled. I'd leave the ball in her court since you already explained yourself. What's your relationship history and the reasons past relationships ended?

 

It was horrendously irresponsible. We met there Friday by her request since she was going to hang out a bit after her shift ended. We had talked about how we were going to start going on some real dates and all of that was in motion.. well until this happened.

We always met there as friends up until the last 2-3 weeks. In retrospect, I should’ve probably offered to take her somewhere after work elsewhere but she likes it there too and I guess I just got into the routine. She also just started working there. That Friday was her first shift actually. Then I did that. Trust me, I’ve been beating myself up ever since.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

What little I got from her is that I was really upset she wouldn’t come home with me. By reading the barrage of texts I sent her once I got home, it probably wasn’t nice. Which is so bizarre because I’ve been nothing like that since we’ve known each other and have been out drinking numerous times. 

OK I see now.  I thought you simply were apologizing for drinking so much you blacked out.  I would not have felt comfortable in that situation if I were she seeing you again because how you behaved would have freaked me out too much to risk finding out if it was just the alcohol/med combo.  Sometimes people have to make that sort of decision especially if it's going to involve being in private and/or intimate with a person.  I have. I know you won't choose to drink like that again.  

Seems to me there wasn't a good enough click between the two of you or else more effort would have been put into going on dates -on both sides.  I'm sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

 . I woke up the next morning and looked at our chat history and I just was going off on her for all kinds of stupid stuff. No memory of sending any of it. From the little she did tell me, we walked to our cars and I got really upset that she wouldn’t go home with me.  . She left my messages on read all weekend. Finally, on the following Monday, she blocked me. 

I’ve since seen her last Friday up there, where I cautiously approached her (we were with mutual friends up there) when the time seemed okay, and apologized to which she said knew I was sorry. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately after blocking it's tough to come back, especially since it never got off the ground. It seems like just hanging around her workplace after her shift, drinking.

She was smart not to go home with you or get in a car with a drunk driver. She is also smart to block someone sending a barrage of drunken texts.

However she seems to be friendly enough at work. Perhaps lay low for a while since she said she needs time.

[Coldarmy13]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately after blocking it's tough to come back, especially since it never got off the ground. It seems like just hanging around her workplace after her shift, drinking.

She was smart not to go home with you or get in a car with a drunk driver. She is also smart to block someone sending a barrage of drunken texts.

However she seems to be friendly enough at work. Perhaps lay low for a while since she said she needs time.

Of course she was. I’m not saying any of her course of action was wrong at all. That was on me and not knowing maybe all the potential dangers of the new medication. 
 

Its was only meeting up there after work that night it happened. Was her first shift there. Before that we’d always just meet up there. I hadn’t suggested something else because we were just friends for most of the time until recently. I could have tried to make a date somewhere else though in the few weeks we starting seriously talking though. She knows about my meds and hopefully knows how out of character that was for me. Maybe not though. It’s just such a shame, truly.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry this happened. I'd stop showing up there. She knows how to reach you if she ever wants to, and she might credit you with more sincerity if you don't become a bar regular after such a mishap with drinking.

[rainbowsandroses]

59 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

My numerous apologies the entire weekend and attempted explanations the whole weekend after were about how I know I have no memory of what happened..

I think you need to stop apologizing.  Apologize ONCE in a sincere way and leave it.

There is an interesting dichotomy that happens when a man apologizes too much, even when he did something hurtful, intentional or otherwise.

It comes across as disingenuous, phony, too eager or desperate to regain her approval, which has the tendency to women OFF.

She may have been hurt or pissed about what went down at the bar but you apologizing ad nauseum will turn her right off, which may be why she has blocked you.  No offense, but in her eyes, you may seem desperate even a bit weak (sorry).

Again apologize ONCE and let her sit with it.  Once is all you need and good enough.  More than that is akin to begging imo = turn off.

59 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

I also apologized in person last Friday, to which she said she knows I’m sorry and that she needed time.

I understand this completely.  By "needing time," she means she is turned off by all your apologizing/begging for forgiveness and hoping with some space and distance, her attraction or good feelings about you will return.

Leave her be.... Let her come to you.  Respect her that much.

[Coldarmy13]

22 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry this happened. I'd stop showing up there. She knows how to reach you if she ever wants to, and she might credit you with more sincerity if you don't become a bar regular after such a mishap with drinking.

I was a bit of a regular long before she started going or we met, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m just so embarrassed and sad about it and will be for awhile I’m sure.

[Coldarmy13]

47 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think you need to stop apologizing.  Apologize ONCE in a sincere way and leave it.

There is an interesting dichotomy that happens when a man apologizes too much, even when he did something hurtful, intentional or otherwise.

It comes across as disingenuous, phony, too eager or desperate to regain her approval, which has the tendency to women OFF.

She may have been hurt or pissed about what went down at the bar but you apologizing ad nauseum will turn her right off, which may be why she has blocked you.  No offense, but in her eyes, you may seem desperate even a bit weak (sorry).

Again apologize ONCE and let her sit with it.  Once is all you need and good enough.  More than that is akin to begging imo = turn off.

I understand this completely.  By "needing time," she means she is turned off by all your apologizing/begging for forgiveness and hoping with some space and distance, her attraction or good feelings about you will return.

Leave her be.... Let her come to you.  Respect her that much.

You’re probably right. Thank you

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

I was a bit of a regular long before she started going or we met, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m just so embarrassed and sad about it and will be for awhile I’m sure.

I understand. That’s exactly why you’d benefit from changing up your routine. Not only would it make a favorable statement that you can walk your talk instead of just going blah-blah but changing nothing. It can actually force you to explore new surroundings and cultivate new friendships.

if you want to present yourself as the opposite of a lazy talker, there’s no time like the present.

[MissCanuck]

I don't blame her for being very upset by your behaviour. It would be a complete turn-off to me as well.

Having said that, I am also not totally convinced that she wanted to take this further. I realize she said she wanted to talk about it but I get the impression she was kind of dodging actually doing so.  So even though you were way out of line, I am not sure this was going to go the direction you hoped anyway. 

For now, avoid her workplace. It is going to make things even more awkward and it sounds like you could do with a change of scenery.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Having said that, I am also not totally convinced that she wanted to take this further. I realize she said she wanted to talk about it but I get the impression she was kind of dodging actually doing so.

This. I have a feeling that you wouldnt get on with her no matter what happened. When they want to get on with you, they would be around you. And she just avoided you all night hanging around other people when she said you would talk about relationship? Yeah, that woman just doesnt want you in that way. In fact, my theory is that she just wants you for one thing only. And that is attention. Sorry.

Not that your behavior helped. Alcohol has a way of putting our worst traits out there. For example, you got frustrated she wont get on with you. So when your inhibitions were off, and she didnt wanted to basically have sex with you(calling somebody to your home means that sex is offered) you reacted poorly. That is why you should rethink about drinking if you want to get on with somebody. Or even at all when you act like that drunk. Again, I cant blame her for not being very friendly with you. But still dont think it would have mattered. Leave that woman alone completely. I understand that is hard since you work together, but that is exactly why you dont date coworkers. Its messy. Now if you need to cut her off completely, you cant because of that.

[MrMan1983]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think you need to stop apologizing.  Apologize ONCE in a sincere way and leave it.

There is an interesting dichotomy that happens when a man apologizes too much, even when he did something hurtful, intentional or otherwise.

It comes across as disingenuous, phony, too eager or desperate to regain her approval, which has the tendency to women OFF.

She may have been hurt or pissed about what went down at the bar but you apologizing ad nauseum will turn her right off, which may be why she has blocked you.  No offense, but in her eyes, you may seem desperate even a bit weak (sorry).

Again apologize ONCE and let her sit with it.  Once is all you need and good enough.  More than that is akin to begging imo = turn off.

I understand this completely.  By "needing time," she means she is turned off by all your apologizing/begging for forgiveness and hoping with some space and distance, her attraction or good feelings about you will return.

Leave her be.... Let her come to you.  Respect her that much.

Echo the above, the good thing is she's still communicating with you in person and even gave you a nudge to say hello, so at least she's not completely blanking you which is a slight silver lining.

I would lay low, be normal/keep it cool if she gets in touch and if she does start communicating more again do not keep bringing the topic back up again (or apologising) unless she wants to talk about it. You don't want to keep reminding her of those bad feelings which would be shooting yourself in the foot. She knows you're (very) sorry so all you can do is give her that space to hopefully come around.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

. She knows about my meds and hopefully knows how out of character that was for me. Maybe not though. It’s just such a shame, truly.

She does know you for months but unfortunately there are things that are game changers. Hopefully the dust will settle and you can remind friends, but then again she works there and has to be nice to customers. 

Please don't use the medication as an excuse. That most likely won't be believed give that she witnessed "I had been drinking a bit. Someone sent me a shot of tequila, which I really don’t do shots anymore, but was in a good mood and drank it".

Take responsibility, lay low and if you want to date anyone in the future, please ask them out for dates rather than  hang out at their workplaces hoping something happens. 

[boltnrun]

You only had the one drink? And you believe that one drink combined with the BP med caused a blackout and poor behavior?

I ask because I've been taking BP medication for years and it's never caused that kind of reaction. And I have definitely had more than one drink. Try a half dozen. Never blacked out or had out of character behavior. 

I'm not doubting something happened, but it just seems odd that one drink caused all that chaos. 

And I agree with what Miss Canuck said. I believe she was already on the fence and this episode cemented her doubts. I agree with backing off and not trying to convince her to interact with you. 

It's also possible to have a great time without drinking alcohol. I do all the time (I've almost entirely stopped drinking just for health reasons). If alcohol does indeed affect you this badly it's not a bad idea to avoid drinking.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

Fast forward to the following Friday, where we both talked the whole week about it and talking in person again about it. Her shift ran two hours over, and by the time she had come sit by me I had been drinking a bit. Someone sent me a shot of tequila, which I really don’t do shots anymore, but was in a good mood and drank it. 

Maybe a half hour later, the lights went out. 

May not be relevant at this point but @boltnrunpost got me thinking.

Who sent you the shot of Tequila?  Could it possibly have been laced with something?  A drug of some sort?  Rohypnol?

I don't trust drinks sent from unknowns anymore...

My late dad took BP medication for many many years.  He drank scotch, at least a couple after work before dinner, and enjoyed his beers too!

Never adversely affected him.

30 minutes is approx how long it would take for a drug to hit your system...

Just sayin... I think it's weird that a few drinks with BP med caused a complete black out.

[Coldarmy13]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You only had the one drink? And you believe that one drink combined with the BP med caused a blackout and poor behavior?

I ask because I've been taking BP medication for years and it's never caused that kind of reaction. And I have definitely had more than one drink. Try a half dozen. Never blacked out or had out of character behavior. 

I'm not doubting something happened, but it just seems odd that one drink caused all that chaos. 

And I agree with what Miss Canuck said. I believe she was already on the fence and this episode cemented her doubts. I agree with backing off and not trying to convince her to interact with you. 

It's also possible to have a great time without drinking alcohol. I do all the time (I've almost entirely stopped drinking just for health reasons). If alcohol does indeed affect you this badly it's not a bad idea to avoid drinking.

No it was just the one that was the tipping point I believe. I don’t mean to make it sound like an excuse, I messed up. It’s just that that’s never happened to me before. Like I’ve said before and thought I got across, I’m obviously at fault here in all ways.

[Coldarmy13]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

May not be relevant at this point but @boltnrunpost got me thinking.

Who sent you the shot of Tequila?  Could it possibly have been laced with something?  A drug of some sort?  Rohypnol?

I don't trust drinks sent from unknowns anymore...

My late dad took BP medication for many many years.  He drank scotch, at least a couple after work before dinner, and enjoyed his beers too!

Never adversely affected him.

30 minutes is approx how long it would take for a drug to hit your system...

Just sayin... I think it's weird that a few drinks with BP med caused a complete black out.

It was from a girl across the bar. I got the shot directly from the bartender though, so I’d imagine it was fine. No one brought over a drink to me.

ive never acted that way or blacked out so thats what’s so bizarre.. maybe. I don’t know.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Coldarmy13 it takes A LOT for a complete blackout to happen.  With no warning?  Like did you even feel drunk prior? 

And I have been around some severely drunk people in my life.  And have never witnessed a sudden complete blackout. 

Even with my drug/alcohol addicted ex.  Not like what you described anyway. 

I don't mean to alarm you but have you notified/seen your doctor?

Putting aside the incident with this girl, I truly do hope you're okay.  

[Coldarmy13]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This. I have a feeling that you wouldnt get on with her no matter what happened. When they want to get on with you, they would be around you. And she just avoided you all night hanging around other people when she said you would talk about relationship? Yeah, that woman just doesnt want you in that way. In fact, my theory is that she just wants you for one thing only. And that is attention. Sorry.

Not that your behavior helped. Alcohol has a way of putting our worst traits out there. For example, you got frustrated she wont get on with you. So when your inhibitions were off, and she didnt wanted to basically have sex with you(calling somebody to your home means that sex is offered) you reacted poorly. That is why you should rethink about drinking if you want to get on with somebody. Or even at all when you act like that drunk. Again, I cant blame her for not being very friendly with you. But still dont think it would have mattered. Leave that woman alone completely. I understand that is hard since you work together, but that is exactly why you dont date coworkers. Its messy. Now if you need to cut her off completely, you cant because of that.

I don’t work there and she just started working there. I do agree though

[Coldarmy13]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Coldarmy13 it takes A LOT for a complete blackout to happen.  With no warning?  Like did you even feel drunk prior? 

And I have been around some severely drunk people in my life.  And have never witnessed a sudden complete blackout. 

Even with my drug/alcohol addicted ex.  Not like what you described anyway. 

I don't mean to alarm you but have you notified/seen your doctor?

Putting aside the incident with this girl, I truly do hope you're okay.  

I’d say I have feeling about the same as I would any other time. I wasn’t going crazy or anything. Just my normal light beers. Id guess about 4 in the first couple hours before this. 
I have had my blood work done a couple times recently and looked pretty good.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think anybody is lacing up tequila glasses with drugs so OP couldnt get laid. It would be a waste of money. He got drunk on his own and thinks that shot finished the deal. 

Also, dont think BP meds have that kind of properties. Some meds do, but if you are taking, for example, heavy sedately meds, you shouldnt drink at all. 

2 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

I don’t work there and she just started working there. I do agree though

Still it remains the same. Dont take a dump where you eat.