I love my housemate and I don't know how to navigate this

[MurkyIntersection]

So my new housemate and I really like each other.
I've only known her for a week, but we seem to have so many things in common and I'm falling in love with her.
Now, I just got out of an abusive relationship. I feel like meeting my housemate and going to live with her, just the two of us, is one of the best things ever happened to me, because she respects me and she's very nice to me.
My dilemma is that I don't know if I should tell her how I feel. It just seems way too early for that, because I want to take things slow and heal from the recent breakup, which she doesn't know about, but at the same time I would like to let her know that I'm available and interested in her romantically. However, I'm scared that she might not want a relationship with me.
One of the very first things she asked me, when we first met, was if I was single and looking for a relationship—she immediately said that she wasn't going to be dating, and I replied the same. This was the truth at the time, since I was completely overwhelmed by the breakup and I genuinely had no intention of dating another woman anytime soon.
Things have changed now that I started developing feelings for her, but I really don't know if I should communicate that.
One thing that's unclear to me is if she actually likes me romantically, or if she just likes me as a housemate. I wonder if what she said about the dating was simply to set boundaries as housemates, or if it was actually a subtle way of agreeing to monogamy from the very start.
Could this be a possible interpretation or am I reading this wrong?

[Batya33]

What would be your living situation if you tell her or ask her out, she says no and then it's awkward living there? Can you easily move out?

[ShySoul]

How long has it been since you got out of the relationship?

It sounds like you might be rushing things and should slow down. Healing from your relationship might need some more time. Jumping into another relationship won't let you heal, it will just open him a whole new set of issues to deal with. You've also just meet this person. While I'm sure you are attracted and have feelings for her (and that's perfectly fine), a week is too soon to be in love with someone. You are still learning about each other. Things might come up that you aren't as comfortable with. Maybe give it some more time to see how you feel (like, at least a month 😉). You also don't want her to feel like a rebound, or to inadvertantly use her to help you get over the previous person.

If she indicated she wasn't going to date, then it's probably best to not try to pursue a date. Take the time to continue getting to know her as a friend. If there are romantic feelings at all that develop, you won't have to ask or question. You'll sense it. Maybe down the line you can see about it, but for now I would let things be.

I also know what it's like to be crazy about a roommate. It's difficult, seeing them everyday but not being able express everything you are feeling or have things the way you would like. Hung in there. You'll be okay.

 

[MurkyIntersection]

Thanks, yeah, I'll try taking things as slow as I can. We had some sort of date yesterday, spent the whole day together and it was wonderful. But yeah, I really wouldn't want to make things awkward since we just signed a lease contract.

I had a family member suggest me to "strike while the iron's hot"—I don't think it's a good idea, but since I'm going on holiday next weekend, I thought that maybe on Friday I could tell her how I feel before I go, with the idea that if she says no to a potential future relationship, at least we'll both get some time apart to digest.

Thoughts?

 

Edit: I got out of my previous relationship last month.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MurkyIntersection said:

Thanks, yeah, I'll try taking things as slow as I can. We had some sort of date yesterday, spent the whole day together and it was wonderful. But yeah, I really wouldn't want to make things awkward since we just signed a lease contract.

I had a family member suggest me to "strike while the iron's hot"—I don't think it's a good idea, but since I'm going on holiday next weekend, I thought that maybe on Friday I could tell her how I feel before I go, with the idea that if she says no to a potential future relationship, at least we'll both get some time apart to digest.

Thoughts?

 

Edit: I got out of my previous relationship last month.

Totally fine as long as you have the ability to move out ASAP if it doesn't work out.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, MurkyIntersection said:

.I've only known her for a week, 

How did you meet? Did you answer an ad,? Please try to focus on the logistics of the lease and living together. Bills, house rules and so on. You'll learn more about her that way.

You did not move in as a couple so it's completely inappropriate to hit on her. Please slow your roll and let cooler heads prevail. 

Try to organize your personal life and your rebound and mixed emotions. She is there to defray costs, not rescue you. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

Asking for a relationship within the next week is not taking things slow. 

With respect to your family member, we're not sure if the iron is plugged in let alone being hot. You just signed a lease, you barely know each other, you just got out of a relationship... none of these are signs that you should leap into a relationship. The risks would seem to outweigh the benefits at this time. 

I wouldn't rule out something happening down the line. But let it be down the line, when you are sure. Remember, good things come to those who wait.

[MissCanuck]

Slow down. Way down. 

You barely know this person and are attaching yourself to an idea of who she is. In reality, she is still virtually a stranger to you. Please don't make this whole thing incredibly awkward by trying to hit on her. 

On 4/28/2024 at 8:41 AM, MurkyIntersection said:

I had a family member suggest me to "strike while the iron's hot"—I don't think it's a good idea,

It is a terrible idea. The iron is not hot - there is no iron here to begin with. This woman is your roommate, not someone who signed up for a shot at being your date. 

On 4/28/2024 at 8:41 AM, MurkyIntersection said:

We had some sort of date yesterday

This wasn't a date. It was two new housemates spending time together. 

On 4/28/2024 at 1:34 AM, MurkyIntersection said:

This was the truth at the time, since I was completely overwhelmed by the breakup

"At the time"? OP, it was days ago. You are in a swirl of emotions right now and not seeing things clearly. 

Stop. Breathe. Don't try to leap into something when you clearly have not healed from your break-up, and especially not with someone you barely know and have to live with. None of this is a good idea right now and it's certainly not love. 

 

[MurkyIntersection]

Thank you all. I think I might have some lingering emotional attachment issues (I got disorganized/fearful-avoidant attachment, have been in therapy), or maybe it's just that I feel a bit lost and needy having recently got out of two relationships, one of which lasted 10 years. However now I know that hitting on my new housemate is a terrible idea. I definitely won't pursue a romantic relationship with her for now, though she's really cool, we share values and I wouldn't rule out a serious relationship at some point. But yeah, as I said I will try taking things as slow as I can. I'll enjoy the journey no matter the destination. Thanks all.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, MurkyIntersection said:

though she's really cool, we share values and I wouldn't rule out a serious relationship at some point

Get to know this person first. 

You might discover she's as wonderful as you think, or you might learn more about her that rules her out as a dating prospect. 

Right now, you are basing all your assumptions on merely 7 days of knowing her. That's nothing. Take your time. 

[smackie9]

You are just being thirsty...especially fresh out of an abusive relationship. Everything starts to look good on the menu, especially to someone who is being so nice to you....something you have been deprived of. You can easily get into a rebound situation. You are infatuated, not in love. Pull yourself together. Spend less time at home, get busy doing things with yer buddies so you can feel yourself again, and shake off the residual of your past relationship. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are just being thirsty..

Good way to put it.

OP, if a stranger 'confessed feelings' after I'd known him only a couple weeks, I'd be creeped out.

I'd remain respectful and avoid projecting your stuff onto her. 

[ShySoul]

You've just gotten out of an abusive relationship. You also got out of a ten year relationship. It really would be wise for you to take time out of relationships all together. Take time for yourself, enjoy being single. It's natural to want some form of attachment. But you'll be better off in the long run if you take the time to be on your own and see you can be just as happy without being reliant on someone else. I've seen people rush into other relationships. It usually ends pretty badly. Not make that mistake.

[TeeDee]

If you really like the housemate, move out, then date her.  

If you don't want to move out or you can't, then do not date her, kiss her or have sex with her. 

On her end, the fact that you are only 1 month out of an abusive relationship is great reason to stay away from you.  You are rebounding.  You may think you are not but you haven't stood on your own two feet, sorted out the mess you just left or figured out who you are as a single adult.  Until you do that work on yourself you are not a good prospect for a partner.  

[Andrina]

Let's just say you two decided to become romantic. The fact you already live together would spell major disaster. It is not like the normal pace of dating, where two people live apart, see each other once or twice a week at the very beginning, with a healthy progression for each new stage of the relationship. Living together would not happen for a minimum of a year if a person is wise about dating.

You're becoming way too immersed in her life. She has set a boundary about not dating, which you seem to be trying to read another way in wishful thinking.

Don't become immersed in a one-sided emotional affair whereas you're not allowing yourself to fully heal from your last relationship. When you are eventually ready to date, if you get too close to this roommate, other women will spot this as a red flag and avoid dating you.

Now's the time for you to spend time with supportive buddies and get on with your normal hobbies/interests. Don't get into relying on numerous time with this roommate. When she's settled, she'll likely get back into her own routine which might involve less time with you, and then you'll be reeling with grief when your expectation falls flat.

How old are you two?

[MurkyIntersection]

I'm in my mid-thirties she's in her early fourties.

I spoke with a friend about her today and she picked up on the situation. Same advice: "don't fall in love!".

I'm really trying but I already like her a lot. Anyway I don't wanna mess things up, so my thinking right now is to just act as a nice friend/housemate, always respect her boundaries, treat her like she deserves etc, and I'll re-evaluate in one year or so. That will be plenty of time for me to heal from my breakups, work on myself and get to know each other. In one year the lease will expire and I'll have to evaluate what to do anyway, so that might be a good time to confess feelings—assuming they'll still be there!