Advice on girl I'm seeing

[JamesTaylor7892]

Hi there

Just looking for a 3rd party opinion on my situation with a girl I've been dating for a few weeks now.

So we met on a dating app around 2-3 weeks ago and from date one we immediately hit it off. So much so that she cancelled another date she had the following evening to drive up to see me again. We then had two more dates and by the fourth one after we went to a nice restaurant she asked if she could stay over mine, I said sure and we ended up having sex. 

We've had a very good connection from the get go and in between seeing each other we text everyday and some days though not often we'll call each other though we both lead quite busy schedules. She has two kids 3 and 5 with her ex who she has split custody with and I have a 4 year old daughter who occasionally but not consistently (routine has been a nightmare for my ex to stick to) stays with my ex, but currently is with me most of the time.

This girl says I tick all the boxes for her yet I can't help but feel there's an apprehension on her side. She says she wants something serious and a guy who's willing to commit which I definitely am as a guy she was seeing apparently had a double life and was just using her for sex. She's also talked about introducing me to her family and actually facetimed her mum with me on the fourth date while we were out so I could meet her. She did send a message the following week saying things were moving quite fast and that we should pace ourselves at a normal speed, to which I said sure. I think we were both a bit hyper by suggesting spa weekends, festivals, meeting parents etc.

When I last went to her house two nights ago she as packing for a holiday with her best friend who was staying over and I ended up meeting, and she seemed a very nice girl. Prior to her coming she did open up to me about how she'd been hurt previously, how she isn't sure if she fully trusts me yet (understandable considering its only been 3 weeks of knowing each other), and that she has concerns that my ex being difficult. I told her not to worry, that I am committed to her, that I like her and the issue with my ex will be resolved that she just needs a little patience. We held each other and kissed for a long time before I eventually left late that evening and since she's gone on holiday I can't help but feel like there's an uncertainty there still with her about me. Yes we've been contacting each other still and she's been sending me pictures of her holiday etc. however today when I suggested getting a nanny to meet up this weekend when she's back she said she's already booked a spa weekend away with her friend. Nothing wrong with that of course only she hasn't suggested an alternative date to meet yet, just left it like that.

I may be overthinking it but I'm not sure whether I should leave the ball in her court to suggest another time to meet, or I suggest it myself? All I can say is if she really is as interested in me as she says she is surely she would be looking forward to making some plans together again but right now I just get a gut feeling she's still not sure what she wants from this, and still doesn't fully trust me given she's been hurt previously like she said. That being said I don't think I can be doing anything differently than what I have been to help win her trust. 

 

Any advice on how to approach this I would really appreciate.

 

Thank you

 

James

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

 she isn't sure if she fully trusts me yet (understandable considering its only been 3 weeks of knowing each other), and that she has concerns that my ex being difficult. . and since she's gone on holiday I can't help but feel like there's an uncertainty there still with her about me. Yes we've been contacting each other still and she's been sending me pictures of her holiday etc. however today when I suggested getting a nanny to meet up this weekend when she's back when she's back she said she's already booked a spa weekend away with her friend. 

It seems to be going well. It's only been 21 days and there's too much too soon. Especially since you're both single parents. Try to not complain so much about your child's mother. Its a turn off and makes this new woman understandably apprehensive. Although it's going well please try to slow down and not suffocate. 

 

28 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lucyjo]

If she is still on holiday then don't worry too much. She's probably enjoying herself, she may have signal problems, or she may not have her phone on her at all times. If she's by a pool the phone may be in her room or in her bag where it wont overheat.

I would continue to message normally but don't mention meeting again until she is back. If she misses you then she will suggest another time to meet. 

[Kwothe28]

It happens a lot. She talks big talk but she is quite insecure and its still first stages. For example, her “friend” might be another man. Possibly even her ex. So, without her committing to you, dont believe anything she says. Just focus if she wants to see you or not. Which it seems she doesnt. Wait until she comes from holiday and see if she is receptive or not. If she is not, just move on.

[smackie9]

Could a rebound kinda deal. 

[JamesTaylor7892]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Could a rebound kinda deal. 

True, though she's been apart her ex for over a year. But who knows...

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

True, though she's been apart her ex for over a year. But who knows...

It's only 21 days. Take a deep breath. I don't think she's rebounding or on vacation with someone else. It seems like you don't know her too well after just 21 days. Give each other space and allow each other to at least get to know each other better.

Slow down. Her apprehension is from ex and custody nightmare stories so please manage that. Focus on your budding relationship and organize your custody arrangements without rancor. 

[JamesTaylor7892]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's only 21 days. Take a deep breath. I don't think she's rebounding or on vacation with someone else. It seems like you don't know her too well after just 21 days. Give each other space and allow each other to at least get to know each other better.

Slow down. Her apprehension is from ex and custody nightmare stories so please manage that. Focus on your budding relationship and organize your custody arrangements without rancor. 

Thanks, I think your probably right. I guess its just been a long time since I've gone on a date with a girl where I just felt such an instant connection and am too in my own head because I don't want to f it up.

[Batya33]

She's oversharing to keep you at a distance.  Her actions are inconsistent -she doesn't trust you after 21 days -she has to share that for some reason -I mean -21 days -but she trusts you enough to have sex with you.  She airs her dirty laundry about her perspective as far as being used by her ex for sex - she sounds more like a project than a person to have fun dating and getting to know. 

I know instant connections are thrilling.  And for long term purposes they're based on very little information and none about compatibility for something serious.  IMO.

I'd leave the ball in her court.

[TeeDee]

Slow down.   You have known this woman for less than a month.  You two are already too enmeshed.  The fact that you want more is astonishing to me.   She's feeling it too which is why she is backing off. 

There is no need to talk every day.  IMO that is something people work up to.  

Of course she already had plans.  She has a life & kids.  She has a routine.  So do you.  It take a while -- several months at least -- to be able to coordinate schedules & synchronize your lives.   There is too much future talk in here & it's much too soon.  

Do reach out to arrange another date.  Do not talk farther into the future than the following week.  Be more in the moment.  The future will take care of itself.  For now you two simply need to move much more slowly & deliberately. If you can slow down you may have something.  Insisting on rushing will destroy everything because it will all be too much too soon.  

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I just get a gut feeling she's still not sure what she wants from this, and still doesn't fully trust me

It's only been a few weeks, and you're still strangers at this point. Pipe down. Allow for a natural progression, and appreciate that nobody can fully trust anyone during the storm of a whirlwind.

I'd pull back and allow her to settle into some reflection and deliberation of choice. That's how both you and she will be able to trust that your next future date is fully voluntary. Don't pressure her to trust you--that has the opposite effect. Think: whenever someone rushes into anything, it's usually about persuasion, and nobody likes to feel manipulated.

Head high, and congrats on meeting someone fabulous. Tread gently.

[JamesTaylor7892]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It's only been a few weeks, and you're still strangers at this point. Pipe down. Allow for a natural progression, and appreciate that nobody can fully trust anyone during the storm of a whirlwind.

I'd pull back and allow her to settle into some reflection and deliberation of choice. That's how both you and she will be able to trust that your next future date is fully voluntary. Don't pressure her to trust you--that has the opposite effect. Think: whenever someone rushes into anything, it's usually about persuasion, and nobody likes to feel manipulated.

Head high, and congrats on meeting someone fabulous. Tread gently.

Thank you for your great advice, I think I'm going to reign it in a little and leave her to it. If she reaches out then thats good. At the end of the day I feel the beginnings of the relationship need to happen organically with both sides making a conscious effort as opposed to one side feeling like they're doing all the work. If its meant to be its meant to be.   

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

...both sides making a conscious effort as opposed to one side feeling like they're doing all the work. If its meant to be its meant to be.   

Good. It's not just about the 'work' of setting up dates, it's about allowing for yourself and the other to catch your breath and reflect between the dates. Too much, too soon is suffocation. There really is no coming back from that.

This woman had these events lined up, and she's running from one thing to the next. Let her catch her breath instead of pushing her to stay running on a hamster wheel. Pressure doesn't feel 'good'.

[JamesTaylor7892]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Good. It's not just about the 'work' of setting up dates, it's about allowing for yourself and the other to catch your breath and reflect between the dates. Too much, too soon is suffocation. There really is no coming back from that.

This woman had these events lined up, and she's running from one thing to the next. Let her catch her breath instead of pushing her to stay running on a hamster wheel. Pressure doesn't feel 'good'.

No I completely get what your saying. I normally give her a text goodnight, but do you think tonight I should just leave it and wait until she initiates contact again? I'm just so rubbish at this stuff 😂

[TeeDee]

At this point if you have been consistently sending the good night texts you deviating from that will cause her to believe you have lost interest & that will make things worse.  

Again, let her catch her breath but some time this week ask about an easy low pressure date soon but do give her some notice & be flexible. 

[JamesTaylor7892]

9 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

At this point if you have been consistently sending the good night texts you deviating from that will cause her to believe you have lost interest & that will make things worse.  

Again, let her catch her breath but some time this week ask about an easy low pressure date soon but do give her some notice & be flexible. 

Okay, I personally feel like doing it though gives her the impression that I'm willing to deal with her inconsistency. Do you feel that maybe by not messaging back I'm putting my foot down and giving her the opportunity to maybe (dare I say it) miss me and reach out for contact? 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

. Do you feel that maybe by not messaging back I'm putting my foot down and giving her the opportunity to maybe (dare I say it) miss me and reach out for contact? 

After 21 days there is no pattern or consistency so please don't mess this up with tat-for-tat games. It's not "putting your foot down", it's just anxiety causing you to wobble in the beginning.  Try to be as natural and relaxed as possible without trying to rock the boat for reactions. That type of thing backfires. 

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

Okay, I personally feel like doing it though gives her the impression that I'm willing to deal with her inconsistency.

Nobody 'owes' anyone consistency at a few weeks of dating. 

You're sounding way too hard core. This might be what she has reservations about. 

[JamesTaylor7892]

20 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Nobody 'owes' anyone consistency at a few weeks of dating. 

You're sounding way too hard core. This might be what she has reservations about. 

By inconsistency I mean some days she will be very up for talking to me and others she's a bit more aloof, but I take your point absolutely. At the end of the day we've barley known each other a month so its just not worth getting hung up on. I guess I just wanted an insight as to why she's been so mercurial of late. But I doubt anyone on this forum could answer that, only her.

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Nobody 'owes' anyone consistency at a few weeks of dating. 

I agree with this^^ and as such if HE wants to pull back a bit and not send a goodnight text as has been his "pattern" that's okay too. 

She's not the only one who needs to catch her breath; OP I'm with you, and if you need to pull back with the texting (including the good night texts) for YOU, not as a game, I fully support that. 

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

By inconsistency I mean some days she will be very up for talking to me and others she's a bit more aloof, but I take your point absolutely. At the end of the day we've barley known each other a month so its just not worth getting hung up on. I guess I just wanted an insight as to why she's been so mercurial of late. But I doubt anyone on this forum could answer that, only her.

Sounds like a combo plate: she's trying to weave into the rest of her life while you're being too intense.

I'd back off and get some air while respecting that she needs to do the same.

[JamesTaylor7892]

24 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds like a combo plate: she's trying to weave into the rest of her life while you're being too intense.

I'd back off and get some air while respecting that she needs to do the same.

I agree, I really do appreciate your advice. 

[Andrina]

The good thing is that she has a life besides dating and doesn't drop her friends to only focus on a man.

The bad thing is that if she ends up speaking a lot about emotional baggage, and making you pay the crime for something past men have done, then how will she be enjoyable company?

Instead of focusing solely on trying to read her behavior and what she might be feeling, focus on your own feelings because of how you're being treated. 

I'm not saying anybody's in the wrong or right. Examine if you're reasonable or unreasonable in your expectations. Examine if you want to follow her lead on how often to communicate and get together, and see if you become satisfied with it, or are left wanting. It sometimes takes time to smooth out the edges and see if two people will mesh, or if the edges stay scratchy and pointy and it's clear this is not a match.

I know when I dated my future husband, he spoke of a past romantic interest who told him he was smothering her. She probably liked a lot of space. I, on the other hand, wanted a companion who had a lot of time for me, so we matched in the amount of time we wanted to get together from day one.

My point is not to fear you're losing her because if you are, she isn't your match and this frees you to find the keeper. Remind yourself that your needs are important too, and that if you regularly feel anxious or upset, then don't hang on for dear life just because the woman is gorgeous. But as said, these are fresh beginnings so let things unspool and see if you two can find your way to building something special.

[yogacat]

She's saying all of this to you first of all because she used to have some trust issues with her previous relationship (like many women do). You're doing a lot right. She feels comfortable telling you she has trust issues with you, and she send you pictures, you guys talk almost every day? You are definitely on the right track.

She is also trying to pace herself...

I don't necessarily see it as anything you're doing wrong or need to wait to see what she does next or wait for her to make plans with you though.

That time spent being happy in your presence sort of glosses over her other worry's through out the remainder of the week. I think continue the way you're going and let her decide if she really needs to just take a baggage claim ticket ride resting on that ride vehicle letting the miles run up towards the Karmic unknown.

There is nothing wrong with letting the other paw out if you are feeling things may be a bit stalled due to her apprehension. She has some reservations, but things are still moving forward. You've reassured her, and she's finding a healing aspect within you. If she still can't seem to catch her breath and allow her emotions to settle down, that is what you are going to want to look at.

So, I would wait out the remainder of her holidaying with her friend and enjoy the pictures and texts she shares with you. You are in control as long as you know she wants you in her life in a particular capacity.

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

. Do you feel that maybe by not messaging back I'm putting my foot down and giving her the opportunity to maybe (dare I say it) miss me and reach out for contact? 

No because she won't know why.  It's game playing & expecting her to read your mind.  That is not meaningful communication. 

Rather, if you want to back off, tell her that you hear her about slowing down so you will not be pestering her with daily messages but you would still like to get together on [date[ to [activity]

See if that changes things but slowing down & taking the pressure off but staying in touch.