GF has low self-esteem and insecurities

[JayParker]

 

I’ve always considered myself to be a sensitive person to other’s shortcomings. Having had awkward moments myself, I believe I do my best empathize.

 

I’m struggling with a girlfriend that openly talks about her insecurities. It maybe seems passive aggressive. If she sends me a photo and I do not flatter it, She’ll respond with something like “I didn’t realize I was that ugly today. Sorry.” 

 

Although I try to be attentive, it frustrates me because it almost seems like an attention getting tantrum or something.

 

I’ve been trying to read up about women with low self image, esteem issues and insecurities. It seems like it’s a deep psychological real problem. And for the record, my girlfriend is going to therapy.

 

Here’s one example. We were at a local club where a lot of my friends hang out, and she accidentally knocked over a glass of wine. Nobody noticed. She later told me that she was afraid that all my friends saw it, and were laughing, and that I would break up with her. If my friends did see it – which they didn’t, they wouldn’t have laughed. Of course, I would’ve never broken up with her as I have done similar  things like that myself and still do.

 

Part of me thinks that because I’m sensitive to her, she’s exploding it. I don’t like feeling that way, but it almost seems like her insecurities provide her with an excuse to milk me to the point that I sometimes feel very drained and depleted. This might make me sound insensitive, but actually I’m not.

 

Can any if you even relate to her behaviors? Has anyone ever dated someone with these type of behaviors?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, JayParker said:

.Im struggling with a girlfriend that openly talks about her insecurities. It maybe seems passive aggressive. If she sends me a photo and I do not flatter it, She’ll respond with something like “I didn’t realize I was that ugly today. Sorry.” 

This seems manipulative and passive aggressive as if you're a hostage to flatter her or else. Please stop enabling this. You mentioned she's in therapy so let her work things out there. Is this the same woman?

 

[JayParker]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the same woman?

 

Yes. I’m very close to closing the door to the point of no return. 
 

Recognizing, that I can sometimes make impulsive decisions, I want to be completely sure. 
 

I do not want to end things and then afterward have some realization that I didn’t consider something and that my ending was in haste. 
 

As you (and I’m sure others know) when we are inside a relationship, it’s difficult if not impossible to look at things from both sides. This is why I seek an outside point of view. 
 

I thank you for sharing yours. Also, it’s ironic that you say that she always wants to be right, because she always accused me of this. I told her that I want resolution to conflicts over winning one. 

[Batya33]

Please know when you go to the length of reading up on "women" and insecurities  -it's a waste of time.  This has nothing to do with gender.  This is a person who is a bad match for you and no need to play therapist and diagnose.  Just move on along.

[marmar]

If she was afraid you would break up with her over something like that it sounds as though she may have trauma from her past relating to relationships, or she may be insecure about the relationship and worried you don't love her. Either way it's not a good thing. It's common for women to deal with insecurities but if you are judging her for this that isn't good either. If she doesn't have too many flaws you can accept her but if you are questioning everything ask yourself if it's something you want or if you can look past it. Do you love this girl or not.

[JayParker]

25 minutes ago, marmar said:

If she was afraid you would break up with her over something like that it sounds as though she may have trauma from her past relating to relationships, or she may be insecure about the relationship and worried you don't love her. Either way it's not a good thing. It's common for women to deal with insecurities but if you are judging her for this that isn't good either. If she doesn't have too many flaws you can accept her but if you are questioning everything ask yourself if it's something you want or if you can look past it. Do you love this girl or not.

In her past, I can safely say that she’s chosen relationships that offer no worries . She hasn’t told me this, but these men are what  I would define as ‘safe’ because these men probably thought they’d had a trophy girl and would do anything to keep her. She held the cards. I’m 100% certain. 

I was proud to be seen with her too, but unlike these men (and this isn’t to brag) I do have  options to date equally attractive women. I also prefer women of depth and she had this - while a lot of women do not seem so deep. 
 

I’m thinking that she chose men of her past because she would not feel vulnerable, but instead have complete control of her emotions.
 

i’m sure that the men in her  past were probably  nice. But I also think, they probably never had a woman this attractive in their life before, and were  probably willing to  jump through more hoops. Although this woman is very deep - which means a lot to me  and we’re very well-connected – (more than any woman I’ve seen in my past) there were also these multi breakups and… I’m thinking it’s time to let go. Who knows. 
 

 

[LootieTootie]

If I was to be honest, I don't think you guys are compatible. When someone sends you a selfie, I think they are want some love back 😁 - especially since you both are still in the "new-ness" phase of getting to know each other. She still wants to know if you still attracted to her. 

I also believe in your other thread you said she was average looking?

" As I mentioned, she's said that she has insecurities (but she's average looking and smart etc...) ."

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JayParker said:

 there were also these multi breakups and… I’m thinking it’s time to let go. Who knows. 

She has participated in these break ups so perhaps it's time to reflect if a trophy GF is worth the headaches and drama?

[JayParker]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

If I was to be honest, I don't think you guys are compatible. When someone sends you a selfie, I think they are want some love back 😁 - especially since you both are still in the "new-ness" phase of getting to know each other. She still wants to know if you still attracted to her. 

---- This "want[ing] some love back" feels more like a habitual thing. In the past, I've always made comments. It was now *not* appearing like "I look pretty in this, let me share." Instead, it was appearing more like.. "I need a pick me up. My boyfriend always gives me a lift." I didn't feel like being a morale booster that particular moment. And boy did I 'pay' for that one.

I also believe in your other thread you said she was average looking?

" As I mentioned, she's said that she has insecurities (but she's average looking and smart etc...) ."

---- That's a fair question that deserves a fair answer. In my first posting, I didn't want to appear like i was bragging. Does she turn heads? Probably not, but she is above average looking and always dresses quite well. She doesn't dress sexy, but in a fashion that accentuates her femininity If a "5" is average, I'd say that she's "7.5".  The two most important men in her past would be considered below average. Not ugly, but maybe average on their best day...but more like a 4 or 4.5 day to day .  To them, she was likely the 'prize.' I think that she's gotten used to men (or these types) bending over backwards for her. Now... I've likely stuck around more than I should have... but I also haven't begged forgiveness or anything lacking such self-respect. By her behavior, I'm thinking that she's used to men behaving that way (if she 'dating down'...she may have also become smug).

 

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This is a person who is a bad match for you and no need to play therapist and diagnose.  Just move on along.

I agree. 

Don't over-complicate things, OP. This just isn't working and you two aren't right for each other. You know what to do. 

[Kwothe28]

So I wouldnt repeat

On 4/6/2024 at 10:15 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Let me explain. See, what you are feeling is fairly normal. You found somebody who you have enough in common and fell for her. So, you are watching all that with "rose colored glasses". You think you found somebody like you. And maybe you did. But if you would look further, I think you would found way more stuff where you are just incompatible.

 

So again, the more and more you describe it, it just looks worst and worst. Because you arent so good match and what you have been feeling was normal for somebody who had "rose colored glasses". Now that you dont, you re starting to see the real her. Low self esteem, manipulative etc.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, JayParker said:

In my first posting, I didn't want to appear like i was bragging. Does she turn heads? Probably not, but she is above average looking and always dresses quite well. She doesn't dress sexy, but in a fashion that accentuates her femininity If a "5" is average, I'd say that she's "7.5".  The two most important men in her past would be considered below average. Not ugly, but maybe average on their best day...but more like a 4 or 4.5 day to day .  To them, she was likely the 'prize.'

Why would it be an accomplishment to date someone who has attractive physical features - and please don't assume that other men make these looks-based comparisons let alone focus on them to the extent of winning a "prize" - men and women seeking arm candy -for sure.  I mean you do you and if you pat yourself on the back for "winning" someone who is "above average" - you do you but please don't make those assumptions about others. 

I always preferred shorter men -my husband is short (so am I but petite in a woman is seen differently I suppose)- and -typically -short in a man is "below average" in looks -right? Hmmm. 

Except I -and many many people I know and know of don't think about winning prizes when looking for the right person for them.  Or feel like others are checking out if you landed someone with attractive physical features.  Again it's fine if you value looks to this extent and compare to this extent but maybe in some cases you're getting in your own way of finding the right match with this level of intensity about it?

[Dancer Candy]

Speaking as a woman with terrible self-esteem, I would chime in and say that it's clearly not just low self-esteem going on here, but it's also an element of control and manipulation.  It's not just that she (probably) feels bad about herself, but also seems to want you to conform to different behaviors.

I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but you probably don't deserve this.  How much you choose to deal with it depends on your personal feelings and needs.

Personally, I'd leave, in your position.

[JayParker]

2 hours ago, Dancer Candy said:

Speaking as a woman with terrible self-esteem, I would chime in and say that it's clearly not just low self-esteem going on here, but it's also an element of control and manipulation.  It's not just that she (probably) feels bad about herself, but also seems to want you to conform to different behaviors.

I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but you probably don't deserve this.  How much you choose to deal with it depends on your personal feelings and needs.

Personally, I'd leave, in your position.

Thank you very much for your response. Because you can relate to the esteem issues, you were the type of person that I hoped would respond.

To be honest, I've dated women that while attractive, something was missing. I wanted the same passion when spending time together while chatting on the patio as in the bedroom. . Many times I've felt alone although my companion was in proximity. Meanwhile, this woman could make two hours spending time together feel like it was only 20 minutes (the connection was really that good). But there was also the  other reality. When there was conflict - which would arise about once a month, it really chipped away at my relationship foundation and caused me to feel uncertainty .

Because otherwise, it seemed better than any woman or relationship I would have ever imagined...I held on. And I am now seeing that this is an unhealthy cycle and it's now time to tell her goodbye and for good.

Thank you for our insight, Dancer Candy. It's much appreciated.

[Jaunty]

I'm glad to read that you are ready to move on.  

[catfeeder]

On 4/7/2024 at 4:29 PM, Batya33 said:

This is a person who is a bad match for you and no need to play therapist and diagnose.  Just move on along.

I agree. You can't 'fix' someone else's mental problems. Plenty of people have them without using them as a banner to hide behind so they can manipulate and annoy with impunity.

The longer you belabor this, the more you enable her at your own expense.