About gutted

[nattz4512]

It's been about 3 weeks of non communication between neighbor guy and I and I still feel horrible and miss him. I still love him.

I don't know how to move on or if I ever can. . Some people are unable to move on no matter the length of time.

It doesn't help that we live in close proximity to one another and today was another day that I witnessed another woman in his place of residence.  She had sleep attire on, and I am certain that I saw him and her kiss and spoon. 

I guess all he ever told me in regards to us being and building a life together was a lie. I really wish that he had meant everything he told me. 

I was hoping that he was a good guy and finally the one who wouldn't use and hurt me like the rest..but he did. 

 

I guess I was used Yet again for someone's ego boost. My past relationships have all been the same..

 

Someone with very little self confidence and esteem,  sweeping me off my feet and giving me empty promises..only to ghost me.. and somehow very quickly gaining esteem getting into another relationship,  and quickly marrying that person. 

Like I am a practice person.

I'm guess I'm the one who they practice "perfecting" their "game on". 

Tremendously. 

I was probably right about him only fetishizing  me. His preference seems to be women who is of a certain descent ...same as he. 

 

Is there a chance that he could have still meant everything he said to me and really was into me??

Tbh, I often think about catching him coming home allegedly from work and talking to him. I honestly think about caving in all of the time. 

 

It's extremely difficult to move on.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

I can imagine it's harder since he's nearby -I've had that happen and I'm sorry.  He may have meant all he said at the moment he said it sure - which is why I watch the feet -what someone does- especially over a long period of time -not the lips -what he says.  

[ShySoul]

"A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship." Rainer Maria Rilke

He could have meant everything he said in the moment. In my experience, people have a tendency to say what they feel in the moment. But that moment is just that, a moment. What really matters is the pattern of their behavior. A person's real self will show in the long term. If he ended up hurting you like this, then that is the real him and that's not someone worthy of you. 

3 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

Someone with very little self confidence and esteem,  sweeping me off my feet and giving me empty promises..only to ghost me.. and somehow very quickly gaining esteem getting into another relationship,  and quickly marrying that person. Like I am a practice person.

Sounds similar to someone I knew. Said such sweet things. Made me believe my dreams were coming true. Then abruptly ended things. Got engaged to someone she had only known for a month. Got married a month later. Made me feel used, like a placeholder to help her feel better until she found someone else. I was hurting everyday. Sometimes I wanted to call her, even after everything she did. It took closer to three months before I felt okay about what happened, so it's fine to be hurting after three weeks. And interestingly, she would tell me that the marriage was a mistake, that they were having problems.

It might not feel this way right now, but you are the lucky one here. The wonderful life he seems to be having might not be as wonderful as it seems. And you are free of being with someone who couldn't give you the love and attention you deserve. There is someone better, someone who will honestly love you. Healing takes time and it won't be all at once. You distract yourself, you fill the time with things that are meaningful to you and bring you happiness. You find ways to show love to yourself. You learn to close the blinds and not look at his place. 😉 In time, it doesn't hurt as much, promise. Then one day you realize you haven't thought about them in ages and when you do it doesn't come with the same sense of sorrow. 

Moving on is difficult, so don't feel bad about it. It takes as longs as it needs to take. Until then, focus on you. If your relationships have all been this way, maybe you need a break from relationships? Put it out of your mind and remember you don't need a relationship to be happy. You are the greatest partner you can have, so just be happy being you and doing what you love. Let the relationship find you one day, when the time is right. For now, find the joy in all the other aspects of life.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

today was another day that I witnessed another woman in his place of residence.  She had sleep attire on, and I am certain that I saw him and her kiss and spoon.

How did you manage to see them spooning? 

 

 

[nattz4512]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How did you manage to see them spooning? 

 

 

He lives in close proximity and leaves his blinds open all the time, and most of the time the lights on. Saturdays are his only days off from work (allegedly) which I dread.  It was in the evening time and dark outside when I witnessed these things.

[MissCanuck]

And you have direct view onto his bed? 

[boltnrun]

48 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

He lives in close proximity and leaves his blinds open all the time, and most of the time the lights on. Saturdays are his only days off from work (allegedly) which I dread.  It was in the evening time and dark outside when I witnessed these things.

Do you make a deliberate effort to watch what he does inside his apartment?

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

He lives in close proximity and leaves his blinds open all the time, and most of the time the lights on. Saturdays are his only days off from work (allegedly) which I dread.  It was in the evening time and dark outside when I witnessed these things.

Please enlist the help of someone maybe in a store to find some appropriate window coverings. Drapes, curtains, blinds, whatever. He may leave his blinds open but you don't have to nor do you have to peek out of the window. You can't change him or neighbors but you can insure more of your own privacy. 

[Batya33]

Please stop looking into his bedroom.  And yes increase the privacy of your own space.

[Andrina]

I'll give the same advice I gave in 2023. You've chosen not to make any positive, personal changes. You hold the key to unlock the door to happiness and refuse to use it. You said you have no friends, you go to work and go home. Here's what I said last September:  

So when you're not out actively pursuing a social life, you're passively waiting for a social life to fall into your lap, and so you're subjected to the bread crumbs thrown your way. Desperate people tend to attract predators. You've placed yourself in a no-win situation. In your situation as it is now, even if you happened upon a decent guy, he will quickly feel smothered because he's the only source of your social life, and he'd be afraid you'd be "crushed" if a break up happened. Too much drama. I can imagine the fall-out from you when you say you're crushed with the exit of a man you barely knew.

Most hobby groups are very welcoming to new members who share their passion in the hobby. You'd probably be pleasantly surprised when you look at how many Meetup.com groups are in your area.

If it's really friends you want and not a romantic partner, then pursue friendships with people who have the same relationship goals. Starting with someone who had a different goal isn't wise. Plenty of people would love your company if you want to volunteer in bringing patients to their doctor appointments or to teach adult literacy, etc. You can mold your life into what you want but that requires pro-active behavior. Good luck!

[Jaunty]

I understand you feel hurt and I am sorry about that - but please don't make yourself out to be a victim in this situation.  

You posted back in September - 6 months ago - that you had declined having a relationship with him.  You also described him as a pretty creepy fellow.  Somehow by your next post you were *kind of* seeing him but mostly having confusing weird on and off interactions.  

It never really took off; it was clearly not really happening, but for some reason you kept it going.

I'm not sure how you ended up "loving" him during this odd situation.

In any case there has never been anything much to hold onto.  

Please stop spying on him and find other ways to have people in your life. There is no reason I can see for you to be completely isolated and have no friend except for a sketchy neighbor.

 

[nattz4512]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you make a deliberate effort to watch what he does inside his apartment?

No.  I've been looking out the window years before he moved in. Looking out the window has always been relaxing and calming for me...as I deal with anxieties, ptsd, and panic attacks...

Also looking out the window has always been my one of my primary connections to the outside world..as I often am indoors. 

Well it use to be calming..now it's nerve wrecking and sometimes triggering after this situation.. Now everytime that I try and find relief and relax looking out the window...I see him often.. we live in close proximity. I am bound to run into him and see him sometimes..

Also, it doesn't help that my mother has dementia and looks out the window often.. spends most of her days looking out the window and calling me multiple times to confirm and verify what she's seen...often as I am checking for her..I see him. ..

It's not deliberate.

 

Only once it was deliberate..and that was only when I was verifying if he was still physically alive, after the first or second day of him not communicating with me. I was concerned that something may have happened to him..because normally we were communicating daily..and he would often initiate the exchange.  

Once I verified he was physically okay. I stopped dilberately looking. 

 

Like today, I was certain he was at work and I went to look out the window, and shortly after, he opened up his window and he was shirtless and starting looking out the window himself. 

I only saw that because I was looking at something (a cat) running across the busy street. I was absolutely panicked and concerned for the cat.. after I stopped looking at the cat...I turned and noticed him.

 

I always try to hide and not be noticed when I spot him. I don't want him to think it's deliberate and think I'm thinking of him.. 

 

It doesn't help that he looks at my home often still

[LootieTootie]

Nattz, have you thought about doing group therapy? I think you need to be in group setting more so you can get out there and put yourself out there.

 

[nattz4512]

55 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I understand you feel hurt and I am sorry about that - but please don't make yourself out to be a victim in this situation.  

You posted back in September - 6 months ago - that you had declined having a relationship with him.  You also described him as a pretty creepy fellow.  Somehow by your next post you were *kind of* seeing him but mostly having confusing weird on and off interactions.  

It never really took off; it was clearly not really happening, but for some reason you kept it going.

I'm not sure how you ended up "loving" him during this odd situation.

In any case there has never been anything much to hold onto.  

Please stop spying on him and find other ways to have people in your life. There is no reason I can see for you to be completely isolated and have no friend except for a sketchy neighbor.

 

I am not spying on him. 

I didn't follow my intution and followed the advice of many posters on different forums...the majority told me it was my fault and that I was the blame..that he was a good guy, that I should go for it, that he was just assertive and going after what he wanted, that it's my fault that I don't know what a good guy is, etc... all kinds of things that I took into consideration and was convinced that maybe I should.  

So I did.

 

It did take off. Shortly after we were officially in a relationship. 

I am a victim. 

He pretended to be into me, made all kinds of promises that I see now were empty,  and out of nowhere ghosted me. 

 

It's not my fault the last time we were in communication was our last visit ..which went well. We laughed,  talked, were initimate, talked some more, discussed moving in together, discussed finances and things related to moving in, etc.....we were having a good time just talking afterwards..

 

we didn't notice how late it had gotten. . We talked almost 5 hours..he was due for work soon after and wanted to head back to go to sleep. He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and was excited for our future together. He told me he would call and see me the next day.

That was 3 weeks ago..

It's not my fault he did that to me. It's his fault he chose to lie and ghost me.

 

I do love him.

 

[nattz4512]

23 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Nattz, have you thought about doing group therapy? I think you need to be in group setting more so you can get out there and put yourself out there.

 

 

I'm a caregiver for my mother, and I have physical and mental health issues. I am bedbound  a lot. I also have social anxiety, ptsd  and don't really like being around people. 

I tried online therapy with multiple therapists..it wasn't helpful...and they all blamed me for my problems and life. They all told me it's my fault that I had experienced abuse..so I stopped. 

 

Now mainly I use support forums on mental health websites...

[Jaunty]

Hm.  I read your other threads, the first one got a lot of input about how he seems like a creep.  

Anyway, you did go for it, and that's okay.   You liked him and felt like it.  

I'm not going to go along with viewing you as a victim.  Though he surely may have done you wrong, you made your own choices and took a risk.   I'm truly sorry that you are hurt, but you could make some different choices now.

You seem to be in a pretty bleak place in your life - I'm not sure if you live alone or with your mother - you've said both in your threads.  Either way, it would be very worthwhile for you to try to seek some connections outside of where you live. There are absolutely opportunities to contribute to your community through volunteering in various ways.   You know what it's like to be isolated and feeling cut off; you could provide some companionship for others who are feeling that way and benefit from that yourself.  

If that doesn't resonate with you - there are many other ways. Volunteer with kids, at your local polling place, the library, the community food pantry.   

Really - it will help you tremendously.

Try to take care of yourself.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

 my mother has dementia and looks out the window often.. spends most of her days looking out the window and calling me multiple times to confirm and verify what she's seen...often as I am checking for her..I see him. ..

Does your mother live with you or in the same complex,?

[nattz4512]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Hm.  I read your other threads, the first one got a lot of input about how he seems like a creep.  

Anyway, you did go for it, and that's okay.   You liked him and felt like it.  

I'm not going to go along with viewing you as a victim.  Though he surely may have done you wrong, you made your own choices and took a risk.   I'm truly sorry that you are hurt, but you could make some different choices now.

You seem to be in a pretty bleak place in your life - I'm not sure if you live alone or with your mother - you've said both in your threads.  Either way, it would be very worthwhile for you to try to seek some connections outside of where you live. There are absolutely opportunities to contribute to your community through volunteering in various ways.   You know what it's like to be isolated and feeling cut off; you could provide some companionship for others who are feeling that way and benefit from that yourself.  

If that doesn't resonate with you - there are many other ways. Volunteer with kids, at your local polling place, the library, the community food pantry.   

Really - it will help you tremendously.

Try to take care of yourself.

I'm physically and mentally disabled and limited.  I will forever be unemployed,  and  a large portion of my life will be spent indoors.  The only connections I have to the outside world are via internet and  watching from a window. 

I feel like I'm  done with dating and relationships. 

Just doing my best to try and move on from him..if possible..

I am still very hurt and confused.

I am working towards accepting this and respecting his wishes. 

It may have been real, fake, or a combination...idk..the bottom line is he doesn't want me nor the relationship any longer..even though his approach towards ending things were hurtful..I must respect it. Which is why I haven't approached him.

 

It will take time

[nattz4512]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your mother live with you or in the same complex,?

Yes. She and I live together. 

[Jaunty]

52 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

I'm physically and mentally disabled and limited.  I will forever be unemployed,  and  a large portion of my life will be spent indoors.  The only connections I have to the outside world are via internet and  watching from a window. 

Who takes care of you and your mother?

[nattz4512]

20 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Who takes care of you and your mother?

I take care of she and I both...mainly..as we reside together.  

I walk with a cane, and due to heart problems..I tend to tire out very quickly.

Family members pitch in when they can. .and provide roundtrip transportation for her doctor's appointments.  

Despite her health problems, she is still fairly independent...so on my downtime when she doesn't need me, I am  resting somewhere in the house.  

Unless I am stressed or anxious,  my personal time with the window is reserved for night and when mom is asleep. 

 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you have all these troubles.  I do believe that if you prioritize it you can get out of your house and have social interactions.  If you were able to manage a sexual relationship you must have at least some energy stored up!

 

[ShySoul]

nattz4512, I'm sorry you feel so many people lead you astray and told you that you were to blame. There are far to many out there who don't really talk the time to listen and instead jump to their own conclusions. Always follow your instinct, you know in her heart what is best for you. And contrary to what some will say, therapy isn't always the right answer either. It takes the right therapist matched with the right person at the right time. As you've learned, therapists don't always know what they are talking about. In the end, the person that knows us best is us. And the person who will ultimately make us happy, is also us.

It's okay to feel like you were a victim. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I just don't want to see you start playing victim. I have seen people who have been hurt and used by others and they start using it as a justification for their own destructive behavior. It becomes easier to blame others then take action on their own to improve their life. Whatever thrill they get from that doesn't last and the person is still sad and depressed. I'm not saying you are doing this or would. I've just dealt with this from people I care about, so don't want to see you fall into that same trap. And under your circumstances, that could be something a person would fall into.

Is there an option of finding another place? Maybe a community for people with similar physical or mental conditions? It might help if you had people around who understood what you were going through. And you wouldn't have to see the guy anymore.

There are ways to volunteer even if it is online. Perhaps doing something for a cause you find worthwhile can help uplift your spirits and make the time a little less lonely.

And as silly as it may sound, have you considered a pet? They can bring a sense of connection and joy into a person's life, particularly if you don't have anyone else other then your mother.