Back dating after 3 yr break. Confused on this new person.

[Westcoast224466]

Met a woman at the bar / got her number etc. days go by and I ask her out. She gives an excuse so I let her know to let me know when she is free and we go from there. A week and half goes by with no communication. Went on a date to an event and I guess she was there since the next day she messages me on why I didn’t say hi to her. I told her that I did not know she was there. She reads it and doesn’t reply. My last relationship was toxic so I took a break. Getting back into the dating world is something I want to move slow with.nothing serious at this time. So I guess my question is ; should I cut ties with this person because it seems like she is just playing games. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Westcoast224466 said:

 Went on a date to an event and I guess she was there since the next day she messages me on why I didn’t say hi to her. I told her that I did not know she was there. She reads it and doesn’t reply. 

Do you mean the woman from the bar saw you at the event with a date? Kind of awkward but nothing you can do about that.  You don't have to cut ties per se because she's not contacting you or interested. Just don't bother asking her out again. 

[Westcoast224466]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean the woman from the bar saw you at the event with a date? Kind of awkward but nothing you can do about that.  You don't have to cut ties per se because she's not contacting you or interested. Just don't bother asking her out again. 

Yes, I was on a date with another woman. Agreed: I won’t bother asking her out again. Thank you. 

[bluecastle]

"Playing games" feels like an awfully harsh conclusion to reach, as does "gives an excuse" in the context of her not being able to go out. I may be reading things wrong—and feel free to supply some more specifics as to how you asked her out and what she said—but I can't help but think you may be looking a bit too closely for harbingers of toxicity rather than just accepting that dating is a big ol' crapshoot.

Anyhow, all in all it just doesn't sound like she's super duper interested. Yeah, she exchanged numbers. Yeah, she poked you after seeing you at a party. But then she kind of fades out just as quickly. That's not game-playing. That's just the baseline—how all of this goes far more often than not. If you can think of it like that it's all a lot easier, and more fun. 

[Westcoast224466]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

"Playing games" feels like an awfully harsh conclusion to reach, as does "gives an excuse" in the context of her not being able to go out. I may be reading things wrong—and feel free to supply some more specifics as to how you asked her out and what she said—but I can't help but think you may be looking a bit too closely for harbingers of toxicity rather than just accepting that dating is a big ol' crapshoot.

Anyhow, all in all it just doesn't sound like she's super duper interested. Yeah, she exchanged numbers. Yeah, she poked you after seeing you at a party. But then she kind of fades out just as quickly. That's not game-playing. That's just the baseline—how all of this goes far more often than not. If you can think of it like that it's all a lot easier, and more fun. 

When I asked her out for drinks - her response was “she is too busy at work and she work long hrs” 

 “just baseline - think of it as fun” I should have replied with banter instead of saying I wasn’t aware that she was there ? 

 

[bluecastle]

15 minutes ago, Westcoast224466 said:

When I asked her out for drinks - her response was “she is too busy at work and she work long hrs” 

Was this for a specific night? Or a general "We should get a drink sometime?" 

16 minutes ago, Westcoast224466 said:

I should have replied with banter instead of saying I wasn’t aware that she was there ? 

I mean, from what you've offered here you've most likely collided with someone who is too flaky to really bother with. What I meant by "think of it as fun" was more about the total randomness of it all: some people flake, some don't; some people will be more intrigued by you than you are them; many message exchanges will go from momentarily fluttery to crickets. Nothing to sweat too heavily or think of as "playing games."

[NighttimeNightmare]

Doesn’t seem like she had an issue with seeing you there with someone else, just that she wondered why you didn’t say hi? 
 

wouldn't really throw that into a “playing games” category.  But as to her not scheduling her own date with you - maybe she just isn’t interested in that?  If the behavior isn’t right for you, just continue living your life. 

[Coily]

I wouldn't put her in the player category, but I would put her in the lame and uninterested category.

My general rule is when you ask for a date and just get "I'm busy", with no suggestions of an alternate; they're just wasting your time and effort. Personally I'd be done.

[yogacat]

You could keep trying to woo her but if you're a stand up sane level headed person with respect for your own time and self you would say... no thanks.

I think she is telling you she is too busy and work is hectic to get the point across that she is not interested in dating you. When she saw you out with another woman and decided to message you about it, it could be her way of trying to get a reaction or see if you're still interested in her. 

In terms of your response, it's not necessarily about banter vs. seriousness. It's more about not being reactive or confrontational. You could have simply said something like "Oh, that's too bad. Maybe we can catch up another time." This shows that you're not bothered by her not saying hi, but you're open to meeting up with her eventually. It also sets a boundary that you're not going to chase after her or beg for her attention.

Put it this way, if a guy I wasn't interested in dating I turned down and saw him at an event with another woman, if I had no interest in dating the guy I would not go out of my way to message him the next day saying "Why didn't you say hi?" It's a bit strange, don't you think?  

I mean, sure, we can give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe she was genuinely curious or felt bad for not saying hi, but her lack of response after your reply and overall behavior (not replying to your initial asking out message) makes it seem like she is treating this as someone that she turned down but wants to keep friendly with.

[smackie9]

She contacts you only after not communication to complain about that you did say hi? Stupid b%^&* playing stupid games. You dodged a bullet.

[catfeeder]

On 4/3/2024 at 7:56 PM, Westcoast224466 said:

 “just baseline - think of it as fun” I should have replied with banter instead of saying I wasn’t aware that she was there ? 

Nah, you replied honestly, and it doesn't really even matter. Nobody can say why she gave you her number in the first place, but to respond to a date invitation with a blanket "I'm working and very busy..." with no offer to reschedule for another time, that pretty much says that she's not interested in dating you.

I'd stay civil whenever your paths cross, but I'd skip any further offers to her again.

Head high, she's just not the right match for you.

[SooSad33]

On 4/3/2024 at 7:19 PM, Westcoast224466 said:

So I guess my question is ; should I cut ties with this person because it seems like she is just playing games. 

I don't see that you have any ties with her at all. You two never truly had any decent communication or even a date, lol.  You owe her nothing! If she is just playing head games and you don't want to play erase her number.

Move on.