Feeling unsatisfied from my relationship because I'm comparing against others

[lolo]

Not really sure it's the right place, maybe I should post this into the sex forum... well, I hope I'm not posting in the wrong place. Also, the title is not 100% right... but you'll see why in a moment.

Anyway... I'm facing a difficult situation and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

I am in a long term relationship. We got together in high school and we have been together ever since. In general, I'd say we are happy together but for the last 6 months or so, our sex life has been much less "entertaining" that it used to. We might do it once a week when it's a lot, but we can spend 2/3/4 weeks without doing it. At the beginning it was not bothering me so much but, as time goes by, my emotional state gets worse because I don't feel satisfied.

We are pretty open with each-other and we have talked about this a couple of times. She knows how I feel but she does not know the full story.

It has happened in the past, but it did not bother me this much (and it did not last this long). I think my triggering factor now might be my neighbour. He is about 10 years younger than us and a real party animal. He also seems to have a very active sex life. The party walls are pretty thin and I can hear him having sex late at night basically every day, usually more than once. He's not in a relationship and I believe most of it happens with random ladies from clubs and stuff like that.

Would I want his life? Hell no! I hate clubs, I am quite shy and I'm not really into one night stands (sure, they are fun, but I prefer sex with a person that I am emotionally connected to). That being said, hearing him having sex so often does make me envy him. I am not saying I expect to have that much sex after 20 years but a bit more would not hurt 😅. I am starting to get obsessed about this and it is depressing. I should be happy that I have been in a stable relationship for so long and we are in general happy together but somehow, this situation prevents me from being satisfied with my relationship.

What would you suggest to do to overcome this situation?

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been together? Do you live together?  Do you have children?

Have your lives fallen into a domestic rut? What do you two do for fun? Do you have date nights, weekend getaways? Shared interests and hobbies?.

It seems like the new neighbor represents a more carefree youth that you seem to be missing.  Perhaps this brings out a sort of FOBO or midlife crisis? 

[smackie9]

Women are emotional creatures..to be sexually interested is to intellectually stimulate us with fun, spontaneity, romance, feeling appreciated, help more with the chores, feel desired, compliments, flowers, a foot rub, some pampering, date night etc.

[Lambert]

49 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Women are emotional creatures..to be sexually interested is to intellectually stimulate us with fun, spontaneity, romance, feeling appreciated, help more with the chores, feel desired, compliments, flowers, a foot rub, some pampering, date night etc.

I agree, especially with the feeding appreciated. it's emotional for women. when feeling cared for, safe works much better than begging for sex (not saying you are doing that.)

[catfeeder]

How long have you been with your partner? Since HS tells us nothing because we don’t know your age.

When you discuss this with your partner, how does she respond?

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

it's emotional for women.

It's emotional for men as well. Sex isn't just about the physical act. It is the emotional, mental, and spiritual connection between partners that truly makes it a special and mind blowing experience. Rather then focus on sex, focus on building that connection and rekindling the spark of romance. Spend more time together. Do sweet little surprise gestures to show you are thinking of each other. Pull from the past and find those romantic moments when everything felt perfect. Have those deep conversations that show you really care for each other and can talk about anything and everything. You'll find yourself drawn to each other on a more intimate, personal level. You'll probably end up enjoying it on it's own without the sex, and there's a greater chance that spark will find it's way into the bedroom as well. As I've always said, stimulate the heart and mind, and the body will follow.

Also, don't compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone's situation is different and appearances can be deceiving. Yes, he may seem to have a wild and great life on the outside. But who says he is happy about it on the inside? Sex with different random women sounds great in fantasyland, but in real life those people tend to be quite lonely. They never experience the full depth of love. On the other hand, you have someone you've been with for a long time. You get to know there is someone there for you each day, someone who cares about you and who knows you inside and out. He may experience a woman's touch, but you get to experience the full power of a woman's love.

[ShySoul]

https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/are-sexless-marriages-and-relationships-normal.aspx

By the way, "sexless" relationships are not uncommon and not a sign of something wrong with the relationship. Plenty of couples are perfectly happy together despite infrequent sex. Some couples even prefer sleeping in separate bedrooms. The important thing is to communicate your feelings with your partner and figure out what works for the two of you. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

, "sexless" relationships are not uncommon and not a sign of something wrong with the relationship. 

They're not in a sexless relationship. He just listens through the walls and wants to have as much sex as his "party animal" neighbor has. That's midlife crisis and fear of missing out. It doesn't seem like a relationship issue it seems like an age issue. 

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They're not in a sexless relationship. 

10 hours ago, lolo said:

We might do it once a week when it's a lot, but we can spend 2/3/4 weeks without doing it.

Hence why I put sexless in quotation marks. The term can mean different things to different people in terms of frequency. In this case he admits they can go four weeks (basically a month) without sex. For some people (and probably him in his current state of mind) that can at least feel like a sexless relationship.

Lolo, the point here isn't sex. It's to focus on the relationship and being happy and satified with what he has. It's communicating with the partner to make sure they are both fulfilled - physically but even more so emotionally. It's about finding the love and connection that is there. Sex is but one way of demonstrating your love for someone. Rather then focus on that, focus on the infinity of other ways you can do so. 

Once you do that, wouldn't surprise me if it sets the mood, starts up the fire, and even leads to more sex. 

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, lolo said:

We got together in high school and we have been together ever since.

So, how many years is this? 

15 hours ago, lolo said:

She knows how I feel but she does not know the full story.

And what is her response when you have approached her with your concerns? 

[lolo]

We have been together for 18 years and we are in our late 30s. We live together, we don't have kids.

And before you say it, I know, after 18 years it's kind of normal for the passion to fade away and for sex to become much less frequent than before... but is it? I don't expect to be constantly on each other as when we were 18, but... you know, there's something in between 🙂

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

[...] When you discuss this with your partner, how does she respond?

She has acknowledged that lately she feels less sexually driven in general. Over autumn/winter she always gets a bit depressed because of the lack of natural light. For sure that has played a role in this. She also has a hard time in dealing with work-related stress. When she has stressful times at work, she struggles not to have that stress affect life at home as well. And when she's stressed, her sex drive goes to 0.

She has also said that she feels we are letting our relationship go on autopilot and that there's lack quality time together. Since then, we have both tried to spend more time doing things together and it seems that the situation is improving.

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have your lives fallen into a domestic rut? What do you two do for fun? Do you have date nights, weekend getaways? Shared interests and hobbies?.

It seems like the new neighbor represents a more carefree youth that you seem to be missing.  Perhaps this brings out a sort of FOBO or midlife crisis? 

Domestic rut? Yes, possibly, at least in part. We have moved to a different place about 4 years ago and it has been difficult to make new friends. Most people in our age group starts to have kids and relationships are more difficult to maintain if you don't have kids yourselves.

In terms of common interests and hobbies, yes, we do share common interests (sports mainly) and we try to practice them together as much as we can.

FOBO I really don't think so. She's not perfect (and neither am I) but I know she is worth her weight in gold. She is a great person and we have a lot in common, I have no interest whatsoever in looking for someone else. Midlife crisis and envy for a carefree lifestyle? Also unlikely... even when I was in my early 20s, I've never really been "carefree". I don't envy his lifestyle or the fact that he has tons of sex with many different people. I don't think I even envy him at all. It's more like, he's a sort of constant reminder that other people have a lot of it and I don't. It's really difficult to explain... if I have to be honest, it's quite difficult to define what I really feel.

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/are-sexless-marriages-and-relationships-normal.aspx

By the way, "sexless" relationships are not uncommon and not a sign of something wrong with the relationship. Plenty of couples are perfectly happy together despite infrequent sex. Some couples even prefer sleeping in separate bedrooms. The important thing is to communicate your feelings with your partner and figure out what works for the two of you. 

I truly admire people that are happy in a sexless relationship but I could never be in one voluntarily. I could be in one only if the relationship started "normally" and then evolved into sexless because of something outside of the other person's control (like a medical condition, for instance). It that case the love for the other person would allow me to accept the situation.

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

They're not in a sexless relationship. He just listens through the walls and wants to have as much sex as his "party animal" neighbor has. That's midlife crisis and fear of missing out. It doesn't seem like a relationship issue it seems like an age issue. 

Hang on, hang on, I don't listen intentionally... I'm not a creep 😅. They party walls are quite thin and you can hear regardless of whether you do it intentionally or not. It is very possible that he can hear us as well... who knows.

If I was sexually happy with my relationship, I would could not care less about how much sex he has. He has plenty? Great, good for him. It's more that, hearing others having plenty of it, represents a sort of reminder that "others do it plenty and you don't"... if you see what I mean.

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Hence why I put sexless in quotation marks. The term can mean different things to different people in terms of frequency. In this case he admits they can go four weeks (basically a month) without sex. For some people (and probably him in his current state of mind) that can at least feel like a sexless relationship.

Lolo, the point here isn't sex. It's to focus on the relationship and being happy and satified with what he has. It's communicating with the partner to make sure they are both fulfilled - physically but even more so emotionally. It's about finding the love and connection that is there. Sex is but one way of demonstrating your love for someone. Rather then focus on that, focus on the infinity of other ways you can do so. 

Once you do that, wouldn't surprise me if it sets the mood, starts up the fire, and even leads to more sex. 

Yes, that is exactly my problem. I know it is... but how do I solve it?

 It is also possible that after 18 years I could have completely unrealistic expectations. Also, what about when we'll be in our late 40s or 50s? What happens then if this situation is to repeat itself (I mean the very active neighbour that reminds me there are people who get laid constantly)?

I need to stop comparing my situation to others and not be bothered by this. That does not mean that I might still not be satisfied by our intimacy but at least it would be MY problem, not a problem that is induced by comparing myself to others... if you see what I mean.

But again... easy to say! In practice, how do I get out of this vicious circle?

[Batya33]

Very sorry if this was asked -do you two laugh together often - joke around/banter- watch fun shows together and laugh? Laughter/banter/lighthearted flirting is so good I think including to keep up the passion and spark.  We connect a lot through laughter and banter - our son cringes (you know, we're 57 and he's 15) at the middle aged people being so lame lol - but he also recognizes it as - they're into each other!  I'm glad you do activities together and I love how much you admire her.  We also are very busy with all The Things -work/childcare/scheduled to the hilt with all the stuff - but I just think - laugh together - brisk walks together - simple stuff -share ridiculously expensive ice cream after a 2 mile walk.  Then have sex lol (wash off ice cream/sprinkles first unless that's your thing lol)

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lolo said:

 In practice, how do I get out of this vicious circle?

Get out of the domestic rut. Remind yourself what things were like when you were dating and start appreciating your partner. Date nights, fun activities you do together etc. 

Also please try not to catastrophize about the future. If you are anxious please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Perhaps this could help with the midlife crisis and comparing yourself or your life to a 20 something frat boy.

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

It's emotional for men as well.

Of course it is. Just like it might not be for some men and women.  

everything in life has nuances. There is no one way everybody is.  but obviously in an anonymous advice forum, there is going to be generalizations. 

my point was and maybe I should lead with this- don't complain about lack of sex or make it like the other person owes it. look at yourself.  what are you doing to attract your mate to want to have sex with you.  man or woman.  

[Andrina]

With so many ideas out there easily found on the Internet, you should be excited to learn about new ways to reignite a spark in your sex life and emotional connection versus worrying so much about a brief blip in a longstanding marriage.

Firstly, though, I'll mention what I myself didn't like in my first marriage and what is working in my second marriage. My first husband only paid attention to me physically at times he wanted sex. He also programmed me not to give him physical affection unless I wanted sex, because from the beginning, when I just wanted give him a hug during the day and then move on to my daily activities, the hug made him want to immediately have sex, which wasn't my intention.

I'm far happier in my 2nd marriage, as my husband will sometimes randomly French kiss me, but it doesn't always lead to sex, or he'll give me a back rub without me asking for one, or he hugs me warmly and tells me how much he loves me, and also, it doesn't necessarily lead to sex. I do love sex, but also like that physical affection and words of love without a goal of sex in mind is necessary throughout each week. If you're wanting a foot or back rub, or anything else you like, be sure and ask if it's not offered.

I once asked my husband when he feels most loved by me, and he said it was when I scratched his back. So I make sure I occasionally do that as we're getting ready to fall asleep, and when he thanks me, I can really hear the appreciation in his voice. Ask your wife this to get clues of what pleases her. Voice your needs to her as well.

How about injecting some fun in your life, as well as making new friends in a dance environment? Tango and salsa are fun and sexy. Look into venues in your area. Go to a couples store to pick up new items together that would be fun for bedroom activities. Try role playing. How about leaving her a fun note such as: Dear Wonder Woman, I've been crushing on you from afar. Though you've only seen me with my mask on, I'm hoping you'll find me attractive as well and I'lll be willing to remove it if you'll agree to join me for dinner. I cook a mean spaghetti. Hopefully yours in the near future, Spiderman

If you're bored, you're boring. It's up to you to be creative. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, lolo said:

She has acknowledged that lately she feels less sexually driven in general. ...

She has also said that she feels we are letting our relationship go on autopilot and that there's lack quality time together. Since then, we have both tried to spend more time doing things together and it seems that the situation is improving.

Good, she's not being defensive. Since you can talk openly together, why not tell her about hearing the guy next door and how this makes you feel. Maybe this will inspire her to want to tap into her younger self, too?

[smackie9]

It's possible she's suffering from the start of perimenopause.

[rainbowsandroses]

@lolo  have you considered seeing a sex therapist who specializes in counseling couples?

Would your girl be open to that? Are you? 

I agree there are many couples today choosing to base their relationships on things other than sexual intimacy to determine long term compatibility and commitment.  There was an article I linked discussing this on a different thread. 

Or rather they place more value on things such as emotional intimacy, safety, friendship than they do sexual intimacy.

Personally I need and value both in equal doses, and sounds like you do as well.

As such, going the "sexless marriage" route would not work for you as a couple. 

IDK, just a thought.  It sounds like there is still lots of love but neither of you know how to reignite the "spark" of sexual passion you once felt.

A reputable sex therapist may be able to help. 

[Bene20]

On 3/29/2024 at 7:43 PM, lolo said:

Not really sure it's the right place, maybe I should post this into the sex forum... well, I hope I'm not posting in the wrong place. Also, the title is not 100% right... but you'll see why in a moment.

Anyway... I'm facing a difficult situation and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

I am in a long term relationship. We got together in high school and we have been together ever since. In general, I'd say we are happy together but for the last 6 months or so, our sex life has been much less "entertaining" that it used to. We might do it once a week when it's a lot, but we can spend 2/3/4 weeks without doing it. At the beginning it was not bothering me so much but, as time goes by, my emotional state gets worse because I don't feel satisfied.

We are pretty open with each-other and we have talked about this a couple of times. She knows how I feel but she does not know the full story.

It has happened in the past, but it did not bother me this much (and it did not last this long). I think my triggering factor now might be my neighbour. He is about 10 years younger than us and a real party animal. He also seems to have a very active sex life. The party walls are pretty thin and I can hear him having sex late at night basically every day, usually more than once. He's not in a relationship and I believe most of it happens with random ladies from clubs and stuff like that.

Would I want his life? Hell no! I hate clubs, I am quite shy and I'm not really into one night stands (sure, they are fun, but I prefer sex with a person that I am emotionally connected to). That being said, hearing him having sex so often does make me envy him. I am not saying I expect to have that much sex after 20 years but a bit more would not hurt 😅. I am starting to get obsessed about this and it is depressing. I should be happy that I have been in a stable relationship for so long and we are in general happy together but somehow, this situation prevents me from being satisfied with my relationship.

What would you suggest to do to overcome this situation?

You seriously need to get over yourself. Just because your neighbor has a more active sex life than you doesn't mean your own life is somehow lacking. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND LIKE YOU! I don't have any love from girls and you complain about this...

[ShySoul]

On 3/30/2024 at 6:04 AM, Lambert said:

Of course it is. Just like it might not be for some men and women.  

everything in life has nuances. There is no one way everybody is.  but obviously in an anonymous advice forum, there is going to be generalizations. 

my point was and maybe I should lead with this- don't complain about lack of sex or make it like the other person owes it. look at yourself.  what are you doing to attract your mate to want to have sex with you.  man or woman.  

Personally, I think too many generalizations get made and it's an easy jump from generalizing to making assumptions to sterotyping. But that's a separate topic probably best to not get into here.

My point was along the same lines. Rather then focus on the sex or lack of sex, focus on the emotions behind it.  Spend time together and rekindle the romance. Sex isn't the first step or the goal. It's a declaration of the love and feelings between two people. So focus on building that bond, on relating to each other. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Bene20 said:

You seriously need to get over yourself. Just because your neighbor has a more active sex life than you doesn't mean your own life is somehow lacking. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND LIKE YOU! I don't have any love from girls and you complain about this...

But  you're also comparing yourself  to how you view what others are doing - you  wrote just that in your thread.  I would hope that maybe you can see that you also don't know what's going on with other people including those who have a partner - some are very happy.  Some are not.  Some are serious.  Some are not.  And perhaps others look at you and wish they could have the blessings you have in your life.  Like reasonably good health, a family, a place to live, enough to eat.  It's all relative for sure.

[ShySoul]

On 3/30/2024 at 4:39 AM, lolo said:

She has acknowledged that lately she feels less sexually driven in general. Over autumn/winter she always gets a bit depressed because of the lack of natural light. For sure that has played a role in this. She also has a hard time in dealing with work-related stress. When she has stressful times at work, she struggles not to have that stress affect life at home as well. And when she's stressed, her sex drive goes to 0.

She has also said that she feels we are letting our relationship go on autopilot and that there's lack quality time together. Since then, we have both tried to spend more time doing things together and it seems that the situation is improving.

The best person to speak to about this isn't strangers, it's the person you are going through it with. Communication with your partner is almost always going to provide you the answers you seek. Afterall, who knows her sex drive better then her? 

Stress is a major factor in our health - be it physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc. If she is experiencing a rough time at work, sex won't be the first thing on her mind. What she needs is help in reliving that stress. Since you probably can't fix whatever is happening at the job, relive her stress in other ways. Find ways to pitch in more at home. Be there to listen and support. Ride through the difficult time with her because you love her. It will pass and she will be appreciative of you being there for her. There is time enough for sex later. And it might just be more passionate for all the pent up feelings.

She also told you the issue, lack of quality time together. Being together has helped, and it will continue to help. So keep spending time together. Find the things that created that spark in the first place. Find new things one or both of you want to try. It can be anything. The point is to do them together. Build shared memories that draw you closer together.

On 3/30/2024 at 4:39 AM, lolo said:

 It is also possible that after 18 years I could have completely unrealistic expectations. Also, what about when we'll be in our late 40s or 50s? What happens then if this situation is to repeat itself (I mean the very active neighbour that reminds me there are people who get laid constantly)?

If you've been together 18 years, there is something deep between you. That doesn't just go away, no matter if you have sex or not. Love is deeper then sex. Really, you can look all around you and be reminded of people having sex, you don't have to have a noisy neighbor. How many movies or TV shows have love scenes or couples having sex? How many songs allude to sex? How many ads use sex to sell a product? Are you going to let all of those bring you down too? Or would you rather focus on what you do have - a wonderful woman who you care for and who cares for you? Someone you have been with for nearly two decades? Someone who gets you. And for all the reminders of sex there are in the world, there are even more reminders of love. 

You are lucky to have found someone. I would love to have someone I've been in a relationship with for that long. Just knowing they are there would be enough. Don't lose sight of how rare and special something like what you have is.

On 3/30/2024 at 4:39 AM, lolo said:

That does not mean that I might still not be satisfied by our intimacy

Intimacy is more then sex. It's the cuddles and hugs, the kisses, the carresses. It's being close to the person, physcially reinforcing the emotional bond. That can be every bit as enjoyable and satisfying. Learn to enjoy it for what it is. And that can also be quite the bit of foreplay that sets the mood for other things...

[SooSad33]

On 3/29/2024 at 2:43 PM, lolo said:

It has happened in the past, but it did not bother me this much (and it did not last this long). I think my triggering factor now might be my neighbour. He is about 10 years younger than us and a real party animal. He also seems to have a very active sex life. The party walls are pretty thin and I can hear him having sex late at night basically every day, usually more than once. He's not in a relationship and I believe most of it happens with random ladies from clubs and stuff like that.

Yeah, this lifestyle is not YOU, but sadly, you're having to hear it while you basically get nil 😕 . I get it ( 5+ years here now - but its okay, I am not struggling with the fact, lol ). YOU are in a relationship.

By reading your responses, sounds like she is struggling at this time.  I do believe you can manage and let her deal with her issues for a little while longer.  You know each other well, it being 18 years.

As for the fact you've got a party animal next door, so what! YOU are the one in a decent relationship. His life style is not stable.

I suggest you give it some more time. Winter's coming to an end and hopefully she'll start to chipper up again somewhat and get her 'sex drive' back again - and be okay re: work loss etc.  I get it, one can feel pretty low and not into the 'fun stuff', when feeling that low. 😞 .

Just be there for her best you can, emotionally. If she just wants to sit in & chill, sit with her and just be of some comfort.  See how she is in another 3 mos.  Hopefully she will change for the better.  ( but if she is still off after that time, have another heart to heart and maybe even suggest some therapy to her, if she stil seems to be in her slump) .  If it carries on for too long, it will damage your relationship.  meanwhile, you can do some things for a while 'when the urge arises', on your own, right? 😉 .

Good luck.