I feel stupid and naive

[chinadoll.]

This is a long and probably seems unbelievable story but this is my story, my situation.

I was with my partner for 20 years. We have small children who we spent almost 10 years trying to conceive. I had both my kids one after the other, just one yr between them. I developed postnatal depression after my second child who's now only 5. It caused my relationship to fall apart unfortunately, my partner couldn't handle how I changed and lost myself in motherhood to two babies and the challenges it brought.

After a few disagreements he decided to call it quits. He left one night and drank in a pub where he met a woman half our age, early 20s. He was sleeping with her since the night he left me basically and within 6 weeks of leaving she was pregnant. But during this time myself and my partner were trying to work on things which the other girl knew and then announced she was pregnant. He wasn't impressed and I was broken by the news. He told me this isn't what he wanted but felt he had to do the right thing and stay with her and my entire world crumbled. 

That was last yr, she's since had the baby. And he's been in constant communication with me since he's ever left my side. Telling me he loves me, misses me, wishing he hadn't left the way he did and regrets what has happened but admits he has developed feelings for the new partner but can't let me go either. He's racked with fear of losing me and thinks about coming home all the time. All of this has made me hang on to hope as crazy as it sounds. But I put my life and soul into this man and our life and our future and I've small children to him. Yes, I would go back. I'm terrified of life without him, he is all I've known from 16! He was my best friend. I really miss him. 

The new partner however has recently discovered pictures of me on his phone, one naughty one and the others are of me and the kids since we split up. He begged me to say I sent the naughty one by mistake otherwise he'd lose contact with his baby. She contacted me and I tried to play it off that it was a misunderstanding and I mistakenly sent it. I made myself look like a fool sending pics to my ex who she thinks wants nothing to do with me. I am afraid she's going to tell everyone and I stupidly went along with what he wanted to save him but also to save myself from looking like the other woman, but in my head I still view him as my other half because I still love him and because he declares all this love to me. I keep listening to him saying he's gonna come back when he can figure this all out as we live in quite a small town. I see him and her everyday. It's heartbreaking for me. I've believed everything he has told me, thinking that he genuinely wants to come home to me and his other kids (he sees our kids fairly regularly) 

I dont know what to do here. What if she does let this all out, am I supposed to tell the actual truth because I don't want to be seen the way I portrayed myself to save his ass. That picture is on his phone because he requested it, I have all his responses, I have a list of all the calls he makes to me. If she exposes me in a malicious way, should I stand up for myself??? Am I supposed to stop believing what he's telling me, because I've genuinely been believing him, seeing how upset he is and how confused he is over everything. I think he feels really stuck between 2 women and both have his kids. The new baby obviously wasn't planned by him, I do think the other girl deliberately got pregnant when she knew he was coming home to me and the kids. I do believe that he genuinely wants to be back home but how crap he's going to look to everyone if he leaves this younger girl after getting her pregnant to come back to his original family. And then part of me sometimes wonders if I'm just being completely lied to or he's leading me on knowing fine rightly he's not going to leave her, but if something should go wrong he has the safety of me to run back to.

It's so unfair because I genuinely love this man. I'm completely broken by everything. I hate my new single life as a single mom, I trusted this man not to do this to me. Ive tried making new friends and doing life without him but I'm so severely depressed that I hate waking up each morning having to feel how I do every single day, I just want him to come home. I thought I was more important to him. Am I just being played here by him? I feel really stupid 

[chinadoll.]

Also just something else to add... Hes openly told me it was basically my own fault our relationship broke down, I've took all the blame and I really feel all the blame on my shoulders. That I'm the reason my world and family fell apart and the reason he seeked the attention of another woman. She's also pleading and begging him not to leave her and asking if he still loves me etc she obviously fears him coming back to me, but I can bet he's telling her no way, that's over etc

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Sadly he's playing both of you and pitting you against each other for fun and ego boosts. 

Please make sure you have a court ordered custody and visitation schedule as well as child support for the children.Please focus solely on coparenting. Does he have a drinking problem? 

Please don't allow him to come and go like a stray cat because now that reality set in, the grass isn't so green after all. If you let him return, he'll get bored and run back to her or find another woman to sleep with.

Please be frank with trusted friends and family about his betrayals and nonsense and seek out help and support. 

[MissCanuck]

You need to see a lawyer, immediately. This is over and you would be wise to start making plans to formalize custody and visitation, child support and so on. 

He is playing you and her for fools, and manipulating the both of you. There is no future here for you, OP. It's way too damaged and he has no respect for you. 

If this comes out, well, take your lumps. You were interacting inappropriately with him while you knew he was in a relationship, so there is not much more you can do but admit your own role and let the chips fall where they may. He is a total tool, yes, but you knew better than to send sexy pictures to him. There is no way to spin that which makes you look innocent, because you weren't. 

It's time to chart a new path for yourself. This is a total mess now but you can have a happier future without him as anything but a co-parent to your children. 

 

[Mason Parsons]

It's understandable to feel confused and hurt, especially when someone you love is acting in ways that hurt you. It's important to take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being and your kids' well-being.

It might be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate through this challenging time. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help.

[TeeDee]

Yes you are being played.  This was not your fault.  You got sick.  He made the CHOICE to walk out & cheat.  Now he's gaslighting you.   He claims couldn't leave his mistress who he knew for 6 weeks & her unborn child that he couldn't really be sure was even his without a paternity test but he could leave you -- his SO of 20 --  years and his 2 kids.  BS.  He made a choice.  He could have & should have stayed.  

Now he regrets it.  He's been unfaithful to her reaching out to you, making you promises about getting back together & requesting sexy pictures. She knows he is a cheater.  He cheated on you with her & now he's playing you both. 

Legally assuming he is the bio father she can't keep the child away from him.  He can go to court to demand visitation.  You should have told him that rather than lying for him.  

IMO you need to fully embrace your single life.  You don't need a cheater who turns tail & runs when things get tough.  He left you at one of the lowest points in your life when you were sick & he didn't care enough about his own kids to focus on their safety while their mom, his partner of 20 years was struggling.  All he cares about is himself.  Now he has the audacity to blame you for his shortcomings.  How selfish!

Why do you want this jerk back?  Think long & hard about that because mark my words, the next time things get tough he will do this again.  Plus even if he comes back in body he will probably be sending nudes & flirty texts to his other baby mamma, 

[Coily]

13 hours ago, chinadoll. said:

It caused my relationship to fall apart unfortunately, my partner couldn't handle how I changed and lost myself in motherhood to two babies and the challenges it brought.

What kind of changes are we talking? How much did the relationship dynamics change? I'm trying to wrap my head around what happened between you two that caused him to wander off like a horny goat.

I think there is a lot more to this than we strangers on the internet can glean with our biases. Have you gotten help for your post partum depression?

[Andrina]

In a marriage that long, if it'd been a healthy one, the foundation would've held up better through all the tumult of recent stressful years. Since he's all you've know since your teen years, you've obviously been oblivious to his horrible traits as a husband. This is obvious in his recent past and present behavior since he ran away from family problems and created a hurricane of new problems. He is messing with the emotions of two different women, faithful to nobody. And now he's kicking you when you're down, blaming you for the toxic/cruel behavior he's been engaging in.

Here is what you do. As said, begin divorce proceedings because you are worthy of someone a million times better. Do not feel sorry for him getting into financial straits that he's now supporting two families. The courts will be fair in what he should be paying for the support of you and your children. 

Tell him your rule that from now on, all communication will solely be about the children. Nothing about "feelings" between you two. If he starts saying those things, hang up the phone. Tell him to leave the premises. He is merely trying to stay on your good side so that in his mind, you don't screw him out of his money. 

Why are you attempting to make new friends? Did you not already have a support system of famil and friends around you all these years? If not, why not?

Please don't date for several years. Your children need your undivided attention to adapt to the new family dynamic. You also have too much going on with separating from this toxic man to properly give time to a new man. Most importantly, you have to find out who you are as a person without a companion, which you've never experienced. Build a fulfilling life solo first, or you will just be trying to put a Band-aid with likely another toxic man just to try to fend off loneliness.

Try some Mommy and Me activities to meet other mothers. Just make sure conversation is also fun and not always about the depressing aspects of your situation, since too much of that will scare away potential new friends.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

I would seek legal advice to avoid operating on emotions alone. Your child deserves support payments, and you deserve better than a stagnant life in limbo pining for a disloyal guy who jerks you around.

Even if you 'win' him back, you'll lose, because he'll just ditch you again at any moment, and worse, blame YOU for that. The guy is full of manure.

[tattoobunnie]

You need a lawyer asap.  You did nothing wrong.  This child is a POS who knock up someone else.  That's it.  A man who truly loves you wouldn't have done what he did to you, or left you, or keep stringing you along, so you cannot move on.

 

"Am I supposed to stop believing what he's telling me?" 

He doesn't care what people think. If he did, he wouldn't have left you to begin with.  

[smackie9]

Your ex is a real peach. He blames you? Why didn't he step up and get you help? Instead his choice was to leave you, have unprotected sex with some floozy at a bar, get her pregnant and continue to see the both of you, filling the both of you with his BS. He doesn't want to make this work. He just wants to make sure he can see the kids, and not stir up a bees nest with the new GF. His behaviour is not what you would call a loving supportive husband. This is something you need to unpack with a therapist asap. Once you get you head more clearer, get a lawyer and finish this.