Boyfriend doesn't respect me

[country-girlwho]

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't respect me.  Most people in my life have expressed concerns that there is something off about him but they can't pinpoint what it is.  I don't know how to tell if he really respects me or not.  

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, country-girlwho said:

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't respect me.  Most people in my life have expressed concerns that there is something off about him but they can't pinpoint what it is.  I don't know how to tell if he really respects me or not. 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What exactly are ways he disrespects you?

Please listen to trusted friends and family. Trust your instincts. 

[country-girlwho]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What exactly are ways he disrespects you?

Please listen to trusted friends and family. Trust your instincts. 

He is 24 I am 22.  We have been dating for 6 months.  He doesn't give me his full attention when we spend time together.  When we go to visit my family he always springs random stops we "have" to make.  He never wants to get up early to spend time with me on the weekends but if it is for him then he will get up early.  

[country-girlwho]

16 minutes ago, country-girlwho said:

He is 24 I am 22.  We have been dating for 6 months.  He doesn't give me his full attention when we spend time together.  When we go to visit my family he always springs random stops we "have" to make.  He never wants to get up early to spend time with me on the weekends but if it is for him then he will get up early.  

I forgot to mention that every girl in his past has cheated on him so I know he has trust issues

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, country-girlwho said:

  He doesn't give me his full attention when we spend time together.  He never wants to get up early to spend time with me on the weekends 

Is this your first relationship? 28 weeks dating is the getting to know you period. You seem quite incompatible on almost every level. 

Please reconsider the relationship and cutting your losses. Please set each other free to find compatible people to date where there is mutual respect and you want the same things. 

[country-girlwho]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is this your first relationship? 28 weeks dating is the getting to know you period. You seem quite incompatible on almost every level. 

Please reconsider the relationship and cutting your losses. Please set each other free to find compatible people to date where there is mutual respect and you want the same things. 

no it is not my first relationship but thank you for your point of view.  I will definitely think about it 

[Coily]

When you talk about his full attention, are we talking all the time, or with specific instances?

I won't us my hubris and tell you if this relationship is compatible or not, we don't have the tools from the outside to really know. Many times there is a lack of clear communication about expectations and requirements.

I would suggest you write a letter (one that you don't send) to your BF, and reflect on the good and bad of what is going on. then after a time re-read it. You need to wrap your head around what doesn't work for you, and think through what actions your BF has brought to the table.

[ShySoul]

To be fair to him, trust issues stemming from multiple cheating experiences would make a guy hesitant on fully investing themselves. However, that's still no reason to repeatedly disrespectful to the one you are with and claim to care about. 

I'll second Coily's advice on writting the letter to yourself. You need to weigh the pros and cons, figure out what it is you want from this relationship and if you think it's worth it. If you decide you want to give things a chance, you need to have an honest talk with him and let him know what you feel. Be clear on what you want and what is and is not acceptable to you. Relationships need communication, respect and effort from both sides. If he's not willing to give that, then he doesn't deserve you. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, country-girlwho said:

 He doesn't give me his full attention when we spend time together.

Can you give us an example of what he does?

Is he on his phone and ignoring you? Zoning out in front of the TV? What? 

[Kwothe28]

I fail to see how he doesnt respect you without a concrete example of that. "Doesnt give me full attention" and "he doesnt get up early in the weekends to see me" is not really a sign of disrespect. For all we know you could be somebody who demands attention all the time. Which would be on you. So again, without a concrete example of that, I fail to see how disrespectful he is.

[TeeDee]

It's only 6 months.  

Does he ever give you his full attention?  If so then don't worry about the times he's doing 2 things at once.  It's possible to drive & talk or play a game on the phone & talk.  It's not ideal but it's not horrible. 

What are these stops on the way to your family?  If it's something that has to get done like picking up dry cleaning so he has clothes for work on Monday you can't be that annoyed.  Does he run errands when you two are doing other things?  Have you ever asked him if frequent visits to your family this early in the relationship bother him?   At merely 6 months in at age 22 I would not be bringing a SO around my family a lot.  

[country-girlwho]

 

On 3/11/2024 at 12:15 AM, Coily said:

When you talk about his full attention, are we talking all the time, or with specific instances?

I won't us my hubris and tell you if this relationship is compatible or not, we don't have the tools from the outside to really know. Many times there is a lack of clear communication about expectations and requirements.

I would suggest you write a letter (one that you don't send) to your BF, and reflect on the good and bad of what is going on. then after a time re-read it. You need to wrap your head around what doesn't work for you, and think through what actions your BF has brought to the table.

by not giving his full attention I mean he gets on a video game for hours on end while I am with him.  and he doesn't even try to talk to me while he is on the game and if I try to talk with him/distract him he get annoyed with me.  

[country-girlwho]

On 3/11/2024 at 8:18 AM, TeeDee said:

It's only 6 months.  

Does he ever give you his full attention?  If so then don't worry about the times he's doing 2 things at once.  It's possible to drive & talk or play a game on the phone & talk.  It's not ideal but it's not horrible. 

What are these stops on the way to your family?  If it's something that has to get done like picking up dry cleaning so he has clothes for work on Monday you can't be that annoyed.  Does he run errands when you two are doing other things?  Have you ever asked him if frequent visits to your family this early in the relationship bother him?   At merely 6 months in at age 22 I would not be bringing a SO around my family a lot.  

I have asked him before about how he feels about visiting my family and he says he likes how close my family is.  the stops on the way to my family are like driving 15-20 minutes the opposite direction to go say hi to this person that he hasn't talked to in forever.  

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, country-girlwho said:

I mean he gets on a video game for hours on end while I am with him.  and he doesn't even try to talk to me while he is on the game and if I try to talk with him/distract him he get annoyed with me.  

Honestly, girl?

Get rid of this boy and find a man instead. 

[catfeeder]

We each set our own standards for what we want from a relationship. Mutual respect is usually high on most people's list. This means, if they are healthy, they would walk away from any relationship where disrespect is demonstrated and can't be addressed and resolved.

If staying with this guy is more important to you than feeling respected by a partner, then here you are.

[ShySoul]

On 3/13/2024 at 11:32 PM, country-girlwho said:

by not giving his full attention I mean he gets on a video game for hours on end while I am with him.  and he doesn't even try to talk to me while he is on the game and if I try to talk with him/distract him he get annoyed with me.

There's nothing wrong with playing a video game, but there is such a thing as priorities. If the woman I'm supposed to be in a relationship with wants something from me, even if it's just to talk, the game is being paused or turned off and I'm giving her my full undivided attention. That's a simple matter of respect. People come first over games, especially if this is a person I claim to love.

Have you explained this to him? Does he know how much it hurts you? If you want things to work out, you can't keep holding in how you feel. He doesn't seem to recognize this is an issue on his own so will keep doing it and you'll just end up feeling worse and worse. First step is to communicate the problem and try to work together to make things better. If he still won't address it, then take it as him showing you the kind of person he is. At the core of any good relationship is respect. You should never be saying your partner doesn't respect you.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/14/2024 at 2:32 AM, country-girlwho said:

 he gets on a video game for hours on end while I am with him.  and  if I try to talk with him/distract him he get annoyed with me.  

Why allow this? Talking at him won't help. Simply get up and leave if he wants to indulge his gaming addiction. Actions speak louder than words. There's no reason to put up with this. 

[country-girlwho]

Sorry I haven't been on in a while I have been busy with work.  I have talked to him about the games and he is doing better with it.  Since I talked with him about it he has asked me if there was anything else that I wanted him to know.  Since then he has been working on trying to spend more time with me and making sure that when we are together we he is paying attention to me. He even found a game for both of us to play together and bond over.  

[Coily]

14 hours ago, country-girlwho said:

Sorry I haven't been on in a while I have been busy with work.  I have talked to him about the games and he is doing better with it.  Since I talked with him about it he has asked me if there was anything else that I wanted him to know.  Since then he has been working on trying to spend more time with me and making sure that when we are together we he is paying attention to me. He even found a game for both of us to play together and bond over.  

Good to hear that you two are working on things and finding other ways to bond!

[ShySoul]

Glad things have gotten better for you. 

Sometimes people don't realize just how much their actions, even seemingly innocent ones, affect those around them. But I think given the chance, most people are willing to say they are sorry and work on making things better. You just need to communicate and talk with each other.

Hope things continue well for both of you. And may you show that game whose boss!

[Lily Aldridge]

It can be really confusing when you're not sure where you stand with someone. Maybe it could help to have a honest chat with him about how you're feeling. It might give you a better sense of where he's coming from and how he sees things.