How do I reverse a promise made effectively?

[JJ88]

Hello,

I need your advice. I know this guy from another country through community events when he traveled to the US. We had great conversations and connections.

When we hang out last time he asked if I could teach English to his kids online because it’s his dream to take his family to live in the US one day.  At first I was hesitant because I’ve never taught English to anyone and have never met his kids. I tried to find an English teacher yo teach his kids, but it didn’t work out. When he asked again, I said I will look into my schedule and will teach them.

Now, I feel uneasy about it. The main reason is our communication is not great and inconsistent since he gets back to his country. He takes days to reply my texts (I rarely text him) and when he does, it’s very short and cursory. 

Now, I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to reverse my promise of teaching his kids English just because our connection is not the same anymore.

I’m usually a very reliable person and keep my promises well. Unfortunately, in this case, I don’t feel it’s a good idea for me to teach his kids. How do I reverse a promise civilly? 

Any advice is extremely appreciated! 😊

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, JJ88 said:

When we hang out last time he asked if I could teach English to his kids online because it’s his dream to take his family to live in the US one day.  , I don’t feel it’s a good idea for me to teach his kids. 

Trust your instincts. You don't owe this person anything. It's unclear why you even feel obligated to volunteer for this. Simply tell him you can't do it. 

[JJ88]

Thank you so much for your response. He asked if I could do it and I said yes. It’s only once a week for an hour so I thought it’s no big deal. Recently I texted him about something else and he went silent on me for days. Other times, he rarely responds. Yes, I did promise out of kindness cause I used to tutor kids  too, but not teaching English. Like I said, I’m a type of person who keep my promises well, but in this case, I don’t feel easy after he got back to his country and rarely respond back , but last time he responded that he’s still wanted me to teach his kids English.

[Batya33]

Be honest and  tell him on reflection you are not the right person to do so.

[Andrina]

Easy. Say, "My circumstances have changed and I no longer have time to teach your children English."

IMO, that was kind of rude of him to ask such a big favor, anyway. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, JJ88 said:

. Recently I texted him about something else and he went silent on me for days. Other times, he rarely responds. 

Why does this bother you and is it the reason you don't want to do this anymore? You have every right to not be bothered with volunteering your time for this but it's unclear what you want from the contact with him.

[boltnrun]

Were you hoping to form some sort of romantic relationship with this man?

Is he married?

[JJ88]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trust your instincts. You don't owe this person anything. It's unclear why you even feel obligated to volunteer for this. Simply tell him you can't do it. 

Thank you, Wiseman!👍❤️

[JJ88]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Be honest and  tell him on reflection you are not the right person to do so.

Thank you for your advice! 👍❤️

[JJ88]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Be honest and  tell him on reflection you are not the right person to do so.

Thank you for your advice!👍❤️

 

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

Easy. Say, "My circumstances have changed and I no longer have time to teach your children English."

IMO, that was kind of rude of him to ask such a big favor, anyway. 

 

[JJ88]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Were you hoping to form some sort of romantic relationship with this man?

Is he married?

No, although I respect and admire him for his knowledge and talent and we do have a lot of things in common when we talk, I do not hope to have a romantic relationship with him. No, he’s not married as far as I know.

[JJ88]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why does this bother you and is it the reason you don't want to do this anymore? You have every right to not be bothered with volunteering your time for this but it's unclear what you want from the contact with him.

From the beginning I already felt uncomfortable about him asking me to teach English to his kids, but I find no valid reason to say no because he knows I’ve tutored kids both voluntarily and getting paid in my life with their school work. 
It’s not that I want a romantic relationship with him although we have many things in common when we speak.  I feel it’s generally disrespectful to ignore people texts or wait to long to reply in general.  It’s a dual respect matter. 

[JJ88]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

Easy. Say, "My circumstances have changed and I no longer have time to teach your children English."

IMO, that was kind of rude of him to ask such a big favor, anyway. 

Thank you for your help. Yes, I felt a little uncomfortable when he asked me that because to me it’s a big commitment even I do it for free.

[catfeeder]

I would not hold myself to a higher standard than the one this man has demonstrated. He has not volunteered to pay you, has he? If so, has he begun payment?

The man has requested a large responsibility from you, and then he dashed. He has not even maintained communication. I would have no problem informing him that I have researched the requirements for teaching English to children, and I recognize that I am not qualified or able to invest in obtaining the qualifications. I would suggest that he hire a professional tutor in his country.

I would not respond to any replies that express disappointment or any other sentiment beyond a respectful acknowledgement of your withdrawal. This man imposed on you, and you have every right and reason to rethink such a pressure to perform.

Head high.

[JJ88]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I would not hold myself to a higher standard than the one this man has demonstrated. He has not volunteered to pay you, has he? If so, has he begun payment?

The man has requested a large responsibility from you, and then he dashed. He has not even maintained communication. I would have no problem informing him that I have researched the requirements for teaching English to children, and I recognize that I am not qualified or able to invest in obtaining the qualifications. I would suggest that he hire a professional tutor in his country.

I would not respond to any replies that express disappointment or any other sentiment beyond a respectful acknowledgement of your withdrawal. This man imposed on you, and you have every right and reason to rethink such a pressure to perform.

Head high.

Hi catfeeder,

I greatly appreciate your helpful, on-point feedback.  🫡❤️👍🥰No, he knows I would do it for free because he has seen me doing things for the community for free. 
Exactly, I feel he disrespected and used me by not even maintaining basic communication while still  wanting me to teach his kids. The only reason I have a hard time canceling him because I am not used to breaking promises although I feel he imposed me to teach English to his kids. 
I don’t mean to blame on him because I should have rejected him instead of being obligated to say yes. Yes, overall I’m a passive person who has a hard time saying no to people and I dislike myself for being passive. 

[MissCanuck]

You are over-thinking this and letting it get under your skin too much. 

Simply tell him you are no longer available for tutoring, and leave it at that. Don't communicate with him anymore. 

It seems you may have been hoping this request had a deeper meaning (ie, he wanted to stay connected to you somehow), but you're now realizing it didn't and you feel rejected. That's my take on it, anyway.  

3 hours ago, JJ88 said:

I find no valid reason to say no because he knows I’ve tutored kids both voluntarily and getting paid

I am a fully-qualified, trained, accredited and experienced ESL/EFL teacher. It's what I do professionally. The valid reason to say no is because you have no experience in this specific field. Being a mother-tongue speaker doesn't really qualify one to actually teach the language, in other words (which you already recognize) If he kicks up any sort of fuss, tell him that. He can find all kinds of professionals online to hire. 

I don't think he's that serious about these lessons anyway. He would have organized something by now if he were. Don't worry about breaking a promise to someone who doesn't seem that concerned about the request to begin with. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, JJ88 said:

From the beginning I already felt uncomfortable about him asking me to teach English to his kids, but I find no valid reason to say no because he knows I’ve tutored kids both voluntarily and getting paid in my life with their school work. 

Here's a valid reason -internally "because I feel uncomfortable doing this particular tutoring"

A woman I'd known for years asked me to come over for the day during the pandemic because she was lonely.  I felt uncomfortable for various reasons.  So I said "no" and explained the reasons (practical ones including health risk) -and offered -again -to meet her out for coffee or a walk (she again declined).  I had no valid reason to say no-would have been incredibly annoying and inconvenient for all of us - but - why did I need this "valid" reason beyond "cause I don't feel like seeing her in that way".

So in your case you can offer again to look for other resources (like call the local organization for people who speak that language/are from that country or ask other tutors you've come across) or offer to look over the work they are doing with another tutor from time to time if that would help.

No is a perfectly valid response to a favor.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You are over-thinking this and letting it get under your skin too much. 

Simply tell him you are no longer available for tutoring, and leave it at that. Don't communicate with him anymore. 

It seems you may have been hoping this request had a deeper meaning (ie, he wanted to stay connected to you somehow), but you're now realizing it didn't and you feel rejected. That's my take on it, anyway.  

I am a fully-qualified, trained, accredited and experienced ESL/EFL teacher. It's what I do professionally. The valid reason to say no is because you have no experience in this specific field. Being a mother-tongue speaker doesn't really qualify one to actually teach the language, in other words (which you already recognize) If he kicks up any sort of fuss, tell him that. He can find all kinds of professionals online to hire. 

I don't think he's that serious about these lessons anyway. He would have organized something by now if he were. Don't worry about breaking a promise to someone who doesn't seem that concerned about the request to begin with. 

Same.  I'm a professional and get asked for "free" services/consult from strangers in my FB groups.  Sometimes I tell them  if you send me a PM I'll see if I can refer or figure out what's going on.  So many times they never message -for the same reason - they weren't that serious about it and wanted something for nothing with little effort.

Also thanks for your hard work -I know people who do the work you do and it's such a big contribution.

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, JJ88 said:

Hi catfeeder,

I greatly appreciate your helpful, on-point feedback.  🫡❤️👍🥰No, he knows I would do it for free because he has seen me doing things for the community for free. 
Exactly, I feel he disrespected and used me by not even maintaining basic communication while still  wanting me to teach his kids. The only reason I have a hard time canceling him because I am not used to breaking promises although I feel he imposed me to teach English to his kids. 
I don’t mean to blame on him because I should have rejected him instead of being obligated to say yes. Yes, overall I’m a passive person who has a hard time saying no to people and I dislike myself for being passive. 

Giving some time and talents for free to your community is admirable yet not an automatic reason for anyone to assume that you are a free private service to themselves. It’s perfectly valid to say that you’ve since looked into what he has asked, and you’ve found that you are not qualified. Period. No need to extend yourself to find an alternate path for him to pursue. That’s his job.

Your service is to your community. By leaving your community and dismissing your attempts at contact, he has disqualified himself as remaining under the auspices of your community.  If you want to impose guilt on yourself about that, you can, but it doesn’t serve anyone, and it doesn’t teach you how to negotiate your way out of unreasonable impositions.

[JJ88]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You are over-thinking this and letting it get under your skin too much. 

Simply tell him you are no longer available for tutoring, and leave it at that. Don't communicate with him anymore. 

It seems you may have been hoping this request had a deeper meaning (ie, he wanted to stay connected to you somehow), but you're now realizing it didn't and you feel rejected. That's my take on it, anyway.  

I am a fully-qualified, trained, accredited and experienced ESL/EFL teacher. It's what I do professionally. The valid reason to say no is because you have no experience in this specific field. Being a mother-tongue speaker doesn't really qualify one to actually teach the language, in other words (which you already recognize) If he kicks up any sort of fuss, tell him that. He can find all kinds of professionals online to hire. 

I don't think he's that serious about these lessons anyway. He would have organized something by now if he were. Don't worry about breaking a promise to someone who doesn't seem that concerned about the request to begin with. 

Thank you so much for your valuable feedback, MissCanuck! I greatly appreciate it. 
Yes, you’re right about he’s not that serious about the lessons although he said it 3 times throughout our conversation. I guess I’m the one that takes it seriously. 
Yes, although I don’t want a romantic relationship with him, I respect his work and knowledge for the community and country. 
I know what to do now. Thanks again!👍🥰

[JJ88]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Same.  I'm a professional and get asked for "free" services/consult from strangers in my FB groups.  Sometimes I tell them  if you send me a PM I'll see if I can refer or figure out what's going on.  So many times they never message -for the same reason - they weren't that serious about it and wanted something for nothing with little effort.

Also thanks for your hard work -I know people who do the work you do and it's such a big contribution.

Thanks Batya33 for your kind words. I feel I could never repay  my community and the USA for being such a wonderful country; therefore, what I do is just a grain of salt.
Yes, I realize he’s not serious about the lessons and also doesn’t treat me adequately; therefore, I don’t feel comfortable to carry out the promise. 

[JJ88]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Giving some time and talents for free to your community is admirable yet not an automatic reason for anyone to assume that you are a free private service to themselves. It’s perfectly valid to say that you’ve since looked into what he has asked, and you’ve found that you are not qualified. Period. No need to extend yourself to find an alternate path for him to pursue. That’s his job.

Your service is to your community. By leaving your community and dismissing your attempts at contact, he has disqualified himself as remaining under the auspices of your community.  If you want to impose guilt on yourself about that, you can, but it doesn’t serve anyone, and it doesn’t teach you how to negotiate your way out of unreasonable impositions.

Thanks again for your helpful feedback. I appreciate your time and effort in helping me solve this issue. I have responded to him that I’m not comfortable in teaching the lessons and I hope that he could find someone else.

Although he lives in another country, but he comes to the US often to participate in community events. I admire him for that; therefore, I feel a little obligated to say yes when he asked.

Thanks again sweetie!👍🥰

[JJ88]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Here's a valid reason -internally "because I feel uncomfortable doing this particular tutoring"

A woman I'd known for years asked me to come over for the day during the pandemic because she was lonely.  I felt uncomfortable for various reasons.  So I said "no" and explained the reasons (practical ones including health risk) -and offered -again -to meet her out for coffee or a walk (she again declined).  I had no valid reason to say no-would have been incredibly annoying and inconvenient for all of us - but - why did I need this "valid" reason beyond "cause I don't feel like seeing her in that way".

So in your case you can offer again to look for other resources (like call the local organization for people who speak that language/are from that country or ask other tutors you've come across) or offer to look over the work they are doing with another tutor from time to time if that would help.

No is a perfectly valid response to a favor.

Thanks for sharing your story! You’re absolutely rights👍🥰🫡

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, JJ88 said:

…he comes to the US often to participate in community events. I admire him for that; therefore, I feel a little obligated to say yes when he asked.

Thanks again sweetie!👍🥰

Admiring someone doesn’t obligate you to perform private services for them.

Once you gain clarity on reasonable boundaries beyond which you will not allow others to impose, you will be of further service to your community because you will be an effective manager.

Being a yes person is depleting. Owning limits teaches others how to respect those in service, which benefits All.

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also thanks for your hard work -I know people who do the work you do and it's such a big contribution.

Thanks for this, Batya! I appreciate that. 

5 hours ago, JJ88 said:

Although he lives in another country, but he comes to the US often to participate in community events. I admire him for that; therefore, I feel a little obligated to say yes when he asked

But he hasn't really followed up since, so he's clearly not that interested in making these lessons happen. Again, I would let it go and not continue contact with him.