I'm in a new relationship and I'm very stressed

[Junebug03]

I am in my first real relationship of 3 months. So far everything has been great, but I've been struggling with some serious anxiety and jealousy on my part. I also think that he doesn't communicate well enough with me. 

Jealousy/Anxiety: I am someone that believes that we should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, because that means that we trust each other. I have met two of his female friends, and I like them a lot. There is good energy. But there is one female friend, who I think is kind of new, who I haven't met yet. Sometimes I see him texting her and it upsets me, only when he texts her when I'm with him. Maybe if I met her and liked her I would feel differently. We haven't talked about how comfort levels in this situation yet, and we probably should. 

Communication: He is slow to text, which I try to not let it upset me. I am on my phone too much sometimes. The problem is when he will respond to something I sent him through social media, but won't respond to my text for a while later. Also, there have been two instances when we would go to hang out and when I got there he would tell me his friends were also coming/there.

The first time he went out drinking with friends (including the girl I mentioned previously. I didn't go because I can't drink yet and he said he didn't feel comfortable getting drunk while I'm there because he would want to make sure I was safe.) The next day at 10am we decided to meet for lunch. When I met him, he said that his two guy friends were in the car. I didn't mind, because it was important to me that I met his friends, but wished he had given me a heads up, because at that point I wasn't in a position to say no. 

The second time we went to participate in a mutual social hobby that we like together. I get there, and he tells me that he invited 5 other people, 3 I had met and 2 I hadn't met (1 being the girl). Again, I like his friends and our mutual hobby is a social one, but no real heads up. At the end the 2 I hadn't met yet cancel last minute and we hung out with the other 3 friends. 

I don't know how to stand up for myself, or how to communicate my needs. I don't have a lot of friends myself right now, so I'm left pinning after him and stressing. I don't want to come off like an overly anxious and controlling girlfriend, but I feel like I'm falling to pieces a bit and have no one to go to for advice or a shoulder to cry on. 

[ShySoul]

Relationships can be hard and take effort no matter what level of experience you have. Each one is different and we're always learning, so try not to stress yourself out too much. Be honest, communicate, and work together and you should be able to address just about anything that comes up.

Jealousy - It's a natural reaction. You don't know this girl, so you have no idea what to make of her. Our minds can easily have a mind of it's own and our imagination can create lots of ideas. If you meet her, you'll probably feel better. For now, reassure yourself that you trust you boyfriend. I'm assuming he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him? Then remind yourself of that and know that he wouldn't intentionally do something that would hurt you.

Communication - Each person has their own communication preferences. I personally don't do texts and just prefer to call someone. The key is to figure out what works for the two of you. It's compromising. And it's remembering that the method of communication isn't as important as the actual messages being said.

By any chance is he a very extroverted person? They get more energy the more people are around, so for him it might seem perfectly natural to invite the whole gang over. The more the merrier, right? But what he doesn't see is how the change in plans could throw you off, or how it could seem inconsiderate when you were expected just him or a small group. The only way to deal with things is to talk it over. That doesn't make you controlling or anxious. That makes you a normal person who feels hurt/disrespected in some way. Any relationships will have disagreements or issues like this that comes up. What makes a good, healthy realtionship is when the couple can talk about it reasonably, without judgement or accusation. Each side expresses their feeling and acknowledges the other's feelings. Then you try to work something out. In this case, I'd try to arrange that any event clearly be decided as private (just you two or a small grouping) or public (everyone's invited). 

Do you have a hobby of your own you could focus on? Maybe if you had something for yourself that made you happy, it would take your mind of some of the anxiety you are feeling. You might meet other friends. At the very least, you can just have fun.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Junebug03 said:

I don't know how to stand up for myself, or how to communicate my needs I feel like I'm falling to pieces a bit and have no one to go to for advice or a shoulder to cry on. 

Sorry this is happening. Please trust your instincts. This is a lot of drama for 12 weeks dating. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you're with the wrong guy in the wrong relationship. 

How old is he? He seems remarkably immature and self absorbed.

It seems like you're trying way too hard to be the "cool GF", almost to the point of your own despair. 

He doesn't "communicate well", because he's too busy texting his female friends all the time.

Please read up on and talk to trusted adult friends and family about healthy relationships. This is not one. 

Please set yourself free and cut your losses. He treats you like an afterthought. He's an education in red flags and what to avoid. 

The good news is not all guys or relationships are as bad as this. But you'll have to let this go to find them. 

[MissCanuck]

How often do you two actually spend time alone together? 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Junebug03 said:

don't know how to stand up for myself, or how to communicate my needs.

No is a very short word. Use I statements.  Nothing fancy.  "I feel uncomfortable when we make a plan just the two of us and you invite others without telling me"  And if it happens again - prepare in advance to have a way to leave -say "I don't feel comfortable hanging out with a group and again you didn't tell me till the last minute. I am leaving now. "

"I feel uncomfortable when you are texting others when we are together unless it's a quick essential thing."

"Communicate my needs" is going to feel like an overwhelming way to put it.  Remember in kindergarten when someone wanted to borrow your favorite crayon or asked you to share the homemade cookies your mom put in your lunch box and..... you didn't want to? You said "no."  You didn't know the word communicate. You didn't know what all your needs were. But you knew you wanted the fuschia crayon right then and there was only one and you knew you wanted all the cookies your mom baked.

 

[catfeeder]

After the first time would have been a good time to simply say, “As a go-forward, would you please raise it with me in advance if you’d like to add other people to our date? I felt a bit blindsided.”

Given that he’s still doing it, there’s no time like the present to request this. 

[smackie9]

Nothing controlling about adjusting habits. You would like advanced notice, you would like to be able to have some input on what you two are going to do together. It's all about communication and compromise. If he struggles to make changes , then you boot him to the curb.

You have nothing to compare this relationship too, but I do. MPOV This is his personality...this is who he is and what he is all about. I wouldn't have dated someone who is like this. It doesn't feel like a partnership, nor does he think about your feelings. You don't feel like a priority.

[Junebug03]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How often do you two actually spend time alone together? 

We spend a lot of time together! Recently our schedules haven't' lined up, but when we first started dating we were spending almost every other day together. This past week I saw him on Monday, then again on Friday/Saturday. 

[Junebug03]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Relationships can be hard and take effort no matter what level of experience you have. Each one is different and we're always learning, so try not to stress yourself out too much. Be honest, communicate, and work together and you should be able to address just about anything that comes up.

Jealousy - It's a natural reaction. You don't know this girl, so you have no idea what to make of her. Our minds can easily have a mind of it's own and our imagination can create lots of ideas. If you meet her, you'll probably feel better. For now, reassure yourself that you trust you boyfriend. I'm assuming he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him? Then remind yourself of that and know that he wouldn't intentionally do something that would hurt you.

Communication - Each person has their own communication preferences. I personally don't do texts and just prefer to call someone. The key is to figure out what works for the two of you. It's compromising. And it's remembering that the method of communication isn't as important as the actual messages being said.

By any chance is he a very extroverted person? They get more energy the more people are around, so for him it might seem perfectly natural to invite the whole gang over. The more the merrier, right? But what he doesn't see is how the change in plans could throw you off, or how it could seem inconsiderate when you were expected just him or a small group. The only way to deal with things is to talk it over. That doesn't make you controlling or anxious. That makes you a normal person who feels hurt/disrespected in some way. Any relationships will have disagreements or issues like this that comes up. What makes a good, healthy realtionship is when the couple can talk about it reasonably, without judgement or accusation. Each side expresses their feeling and acknowledges the other's feelings. Then you try to work something out. In this case, I'd try to arrange that any event clearly be decided as private (just you two or a small grouping) or public (everyone's invited). 

Do you have a hobby of your own you could focus on? Maybe if you had something for yourself that made you happy, it would take your mind of some of the anxiety you are feeling. You might meet other friends. At the very least, you can just have fun.

To me he seems to be a bit of an introverted extrovert. He is someone who is very friendly with everyone he meets, and is very conversational. I do have other hobbies to focus on, and I should do that. I know that I'm a little too hung up on everything he does when it comes to me all the time 

[Junebug03]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

After the first time would have been a good time to simply say, “As a go-forward, would you please raise it with me in advance if you’d like to add other people to our date? I felt a bit blindsided.”

Given that he’s still doing it, there’s no time like the present to request this. 

Should I bring it up when I seem him in person next, or wait until something like the situations above happen again? I believe that it's better to have these conversations in person and not via text or phone call 

Something I noticed the first time this happened, he told me that he thought I wouldn't mind since I'm relaxed and a bit go-with-the-flow. At the time I genuinely didn't because it meant I got to meet his friends, and see what they were like. I realize now that if I don't stand up sooner rather than later he might think I'm always ok with it and walk all over me, unintentionally 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Junebug03 said:

Should I bring it up when I seem him in person next, or wait until something like the situations above happen again? I believe that it's better to have these conversations in person and not via text or phone call 

In person. I'd focus less on the intricate personality analysis and more on if he treats you with respect and care consistent with your personal values and standards.

[Andrina]

If you speak up with reasonable requests, a guy who truly cares will want to please you and improve. People can't read minds. If you bottle things up, either one day you will blow up and handle things in an unhealthy way, or you get to a point of wanting to break up because the straw has broken the camel's back, but it was unfair to him because you never voiced your concerns early on.

Don't ever be afraid to speak up, discussing important matters. And don't be afraid to lose someone if he doesn't match your dating style. Usually young people go through many dating experiences while learning who to let go and who is a keeper. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Junebug03 said:

Should I bring it up when I seem him in person next, or wait until something like the situations above happen again? I believe that it's better to have these conversations in person and not via text or phone call 

I would not wait until it happens again, why put yourself through that? This is why I wouldn’t wait for an in person conversation, but I’d speak with him by phone, not text. If your relationship is good, there’s no need to walk on eggshells ‘around’ something so basic. This isn’t some big extreme request, it’s a simple topic of courtesy. If he says he thought you didn’t mind, you can just say that it seems to be becoming a habit, and you’d prefer to be kept in the loop on such choices rather than be surprised by them. 

[redswim30]

You say this is your first serious relationship, so I'm going to give you some advice as someone in her second marriage. 

You say you are ok with being friends with people of the opposite sex, but are you?  Really think about this.  You haven't and will not have met every single woman he's ever been friends with in his life and you won't necessarily (highly unlikely) to meet every single female he ever interacts with- be it a colleague, a past friend, or even someone he once flirted with.  I always advise people to tread lightly here.  Remember that your BF isn't a possession, and it's actually not healthy to want to be (and I'm not saying YOU are, but things can take this turn if you aren't careful) the only person of the opposite gender he cares about on any level. Think about yourself- do you feel the need to "report" to him about every interaction you've ever had with any male ever?  I'd dive deep here into what really bothers you about this.  You are RIGHT in that you DO need to be able to trust each other.  We live in a co-ed world, he's going to interact with other women all the time.  I personally believe men that are capable of having platonic female friends are less likely to cheat than men who simply view women as romantic interests and nothing more.  If you feel the need to have a conversation about your feelings, make sure you are expressing how you feel without accusation and with the understanding that any agreement you make or parameters you set can and will be held to you in an opposite circumstance. 

You say he has poor communication, but it doesn't sound like you are the greatest at it either by your own admission.  So, I would first examine yourself.  Remember, he's not a mind reader.  If you don't express your needs, you cannot hold him accountable for invisible expectations. 

Now onto my advice for you-  It sounds like you need to sit down and have an honest, open, and calm conversation in which you express your needs to him.  But please understand, he may not fully agree with it.  This is where it turns into a real and adult conversation.  It's not like in the movies, where someone says what they want and their partner immediately sees their POV and does it.  You can expect some level of pushback or even upset, and then you see if you can reach a compromise.  But rarely in life, does a partner actually say " Yes, dear.  Anything you say, dear." So do not go in expecting that to be the outcome.  Can I ask what you are so upset about?  Your problems seem very typical for a young couple and nothing outrageous or even bad.  Your BF isn't even technically doing anything wrong at all.  

I think perhaps it would be wise for you to seek individual therapy.  I wonder if there's some underlying issues going on with you that this relationship is trudging up for you.  Perhaps you aren't ready to be in a serious committed relationship?  Please understand I do NOT mean that as an insult in any way.  But I do need to comment to you- ANY person you are ever going to be in a relationship with- You cannot control everything they do.  It's up to you to state your feeling and expectations and then see if you can reach a compromise.  But no one is ever going to be a mind reader, and that's unreasonable on your part. 

I think you really need to take your BF out of the equation and dig deep into what the source of this hurt is for you.  You mention feeling alone.  Could it potentially be that you feel some resentment towards your BF for having multiple sources of support while you feel like you only have HIM?  I don't know, but I think it's worth you thinking about and consulting an unbiased expert. 

[Junebug03]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

You say this is your first serious relationship, so I'm going to give you some advice as someone in her second marriage. 

You say you are ok with being friends with people of the opposite sex, but are you?  Really think about this.  You haven't and will not have met every single woman he's ever been friends with in his life and you won't necessarily (highly unlikely) to meet every single female he ever interacts with- be it a colleague, a past friend, or even someone he once flirted with.  I always advise people to tread lightly here.  Remember that your BF isn't a possession, and it's actually not healthy to want to be (and I'm not saying YOU are, but things can take this turn if you aren't careful) the only person of the opposite gender he cares about on any level. Think about yourself- do you feel the need to "report" to him about every interaction you've ever had with any male ever?  I'd dive deep here into what really bothers you about this.  You are RIGHT in that you DO need to be able to trust each other.  We live in a co-ed world, he's going to interact with other women all the time.  I personally believe men that are capable of having platonic female friends are less likely to cheat than men who simply view women as romantic interests and nothing more.  If you feel the need to have a conversation about your feelings, make sure you are expressing how you feel without accusation and with the understanding that any agreement you make or parameters you set can and will be held to you in an opposite circumstance. 

You say he has poor communication, but it doesn't sound like you are the greatest at it either by your own admission.  So, I would first examine yourself.  Remember, he's not a mind reader.  If you don't express your needs, you cannot hold him accountable for invisible expectations. 

Now onto my advice for you-  It sounds like you need to sit down and have an honest, open, and calm conversation in which you express your needs to him.  But please understand, he may not fully agree with it.  This is where it turns into a real and adult conversation.  It's not like in the movies, where someone says what they want and their partner immediately sees their POV and does it.  You can expect some level of pushback or even upset, and then you see if you can reach a compromise.  But rarely in life, does a partner actually say " Yes, dear.  Anything you say, dear." So do not go in expecting that to be the outcome.  Can I ask what you are so upset about?  Your problems seem very typical for a young couple and nothing outrageous or even bad.  Your BF isn't even technically doing anything wrong at all.  

I think perhaps it would be wise for you to seek individual therapy.  I wonder if there's some underlying issues going on with you that this relationship is trudging up for you.  Perhaps you aren't ready to be in a serious committed relationship?  Please understand I do NOT mean that as an insult in any way.  But I do need to comment to you- ANY person you are ever going to be in a relationship with- You cannot control everything they do.  It's up to you to state your feeling and expectations and then see if you can reach a compromise.  But no one is ever going to be a mind reader, and that's unreasonable on your part. 

I think you really need to take your BF out of the equation and dig deep into what the source of this hurt is for you.  You mention feeling alone.  Could it potentially be that you feel some resentment towards your BF for having multiple sources of support while you feel like you only have HIM?  I don't know, but I think it's worth you thinking about and consulting an unbiased expert. 

Thank you for your advice. I'll be honest, there are some factors in our relationship that do make things a little difficult.

I also didn't realize this until I started this relationship, but I am deeply insecure. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough, that he'll get tired of me and leave me for another girl. I am not his first relationship, while he is mine. I am realizing that I do not trust him as much as I want to, but I think the only way I can develop this trust more is by communicating my needs with him. If I can't do that, I know that our relationship will be doomed to fail. 

I am lonely, because I'm currently in my 1st year of college. I'm doing a lot with school, but I'm still trying to make friends. I recognize that in order to have a healthy balance, I need more in my life than just him. He definitely has more going on in his life than just me. That might be one reason for this jealously and nervousness about what he's doing. I also know that I can't expect him to tell me what he's doing all the time. If he expected that of me, I'd be out of there faster than you could blink. 

He constantly does little things that prove that he likes me, and enjoys our relationship. We go to college in different cities, but only 20 minutes away without traffic. I don't have a car, so he constantly drives back and forth to see me. Sometimes, if we're both busy, he'll come up just for a little hello and a hug. He has a photo of me on his dashboard, he keeps all the art I make him, and I do believe that he's a good person who will listen to my needs.

He think's what he's doing is ok, because I don't say otherwise. You're right, he isn't a mind reader, and I can't expect that of him. I say to him that I value honesty and good communication, but I can't do the same myself. 

I'm sorry for the rant, but I do appreciate yours and everyone's feedback. It's not only calming me down, but it's giving me the other perspective I needed.

Everything will be ok. This relationship is not wholly me but only a part of it. Instead of spiraling, I need to be proactive, and focus on what is there right now and not what could be. 

[redswim30]

2 hours ago, Junebug03 said:

Thank you for your advice. I'll be honest, there are some factors in our relationship that do make things a little difficult.

I also didn't realize this until I started this relationship, but I am deeply insecure. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough, that he'll get tired of me and leave me for another girl. I am not his first relationship, while he is mine. I am realizing that I do not trust him as much as I want to, but I think the only way I can develop this trust more is by communicating my needs with him. If I can't do that, I know that our relationship will be doomed to fail. 

I am lonely, because I'm currently in my 1st year of college. I'm doing a lot with school, but I'm still trying to make friends. I recognize that in order to have a healthy balance, I need more in my life than just him. He definitely has more going on in his life than just me. That might be one reason for this jealously and nervousness about what he's doing. I also know that I can't expect him to tell me what he's doing all the time. If he expected that of me, I'd be out of there faster than you could blink. 

He constantly does little things that prove that he likes me, and enjoys our relationship. We go to college in different cities, but only 20 minutes away without traffic. I don't have a car, so he constantly drives back and forth to see me. Sometimes, if we're both busy, he'll come up just for a little hello and a hug. He has a photo of me on his dashboard, he keeps all the art I make him, and I do believe that he's a good person who will listen to my needs.

He think's what he's doing is ok, because I don't say otherwise. You're right, he isn't a mind reader, and I can't expect that of him. I say to him that I value honesty and good communication, but I can't do the same myself. 

I'm sorry for the rant, but I do appreciate yours and everyone's feedback. It's not only calming me down, but it's giving me the other perspective I needed.

Everything will be ok. This relationship is not wholly me but only a part of it. Instead of spiraling, I need to be proactive, and focus on what is there right now and not what could be. 

You're welcome.  It's your first major relationship, so a large part of this is going to be a learning process for you.  We learn a lot about ourselves when we are in committed relationships.  And you are right, sometimes what we learn surprises us.  Especially by way of our own flaws, issues, and how our past has shaped us to believe and feel things. 

Acknowledging your issues is the first step to improving them.  I'm proud of you for admitting and accepting your own issues.  It's important to remember this for this and future relationships-  NO partner can fix the issues within us.  No man will ever be able to fix your insecurity for you and other women are always going to exist in the world.   Being aware and okay with that is a journey that you have to do yourself.  All the time I witness people who self-sabotage relationships because they LOOK for things to justify and validate their beliefs or insecurities, whether they are actually true or not.  (IE I'm afraid he's going to cheat on/leave me- so I'm going to read into every single interaction that could possibly validate that belief, even though he's given me no solid reason to not actually trust him)

I highly recommend you take two actions as soon as you can.  First, communicate with him about what you would like in your relationship.  But approach it from a positive and non-accusatory place.  For example, " I think it's so great that you have awesome and supportive friends.  I genuinely like them and enjoy hanging out with them.  But, if you and I are planning to hang out together since our time is always limited, I would like to ask you if in the future we could please have a conversation before inviting friends to join us. It would really mean a lot to me and would make me feel like you value my feelings and input about how we manage our time together."    And see how that goes. 

Second, put yourself out there more.  Do more things without him.  This will go a long way to not only building your self esteem, but to see yourself as valuable person worthy of love, respect, and attention from people other than your boyfriend.   Significant others should never be our only valuable relationships. 

You hit the nail on the head.  Everything WILL be all right.  🙂 You just need to approach things from a positive and proactive place.  You're still very young and have a lot of time to explore what is, live in the moment.  I can tell you as a woman that has done and seen a lot in my life, please don't ever waste your time on what COULD be.  Try to see and appreciate what is your life now.  Life and relationships often don't go quite as we expect them to, but that doesn't mean things can't be beautiful.  Learn to let go of what isn't meant for you and embrace the positive you do have.   All the best to you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Junebug03 said:

. I am not his first relationship, while he is mine I am lonely, because I'm currently in my 1st year of college. I'm doing a lot with school, but I'm still trying to make friends

He seems to treat you ok, but you're definitely at a disadvantage because of inexperience and loneliness. Always trust your instincts. If a relationship makes you uneasy please pay attention. 

[Junebug03]

Giving an update! So first I talked things through with my therapist, and she helped me formulate the right way to say what I wanted to say. I talked to him this evening after dinner, and it went really well! He listened to me, and asked some clarifying questions. He was a bit confused, because he said that the way he socializes is by asking people a to do things a bit last minute, because people are always busy and you're never sure who will be available and who won't. But all the same he understood that I wanted to be kept in the loop in the future, even if the plans are last minute, and actually apologized for the first instance when his friends were in the car.

I'm came out feeling happy, and like I would feel more comfortable communicating my needs in the future. I am hopeful that he will feel the same for his own needs, and I think, at least for now, that everything is good. 

I know I still need to work on my jealousy issues, but I think this was a really good and big step for me. Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it. 

[Batya33]

So you're supposed to assume that if he plans a one on one date it might not be one on one at the last minute if one or more of his friends are available? Or if a friend texts during the evening will he check with you before telling him to come on over?

I'm a person who often is sensitive to social dynamics -if I make one on one plans with a friend or my husband I'd want to know in advance if someone else is coming or might come -because then I might not come or if possible say -you know I really just want to catch up with you privately.  Maybe you can become the more the merrier type