Feeling guilt over how relationship started

[rbr85]

My wife and I met on a dating app in late 2016, exclusively communicating through the app and texts for months. Our first few dates involved travel due to our long-distance situation, with our first meeting in early December, the second in January, and by our third date in early February, we had slept with one another. Around this time, I had went on one another date and slept with someone else.

By our fourth date in March, after going on a date with someone else, I decided to exclusively date my now wife. I realized on that date, that my now wife was the only one I wanted to pursue.

By May, we had the exclusivity talk and officially became a couple and soon fell in love.

Years later, now married with a child, I've been reflecting on the start of our relationship. On our anniversary, she mentioned that she took our relationship seriously by our third date, highlighting the importance of meeting her cousins early on. I also would met her mother on that date and didn’t know she’d be there until I saw her!

Despite daily texting, we never discussed exclusivity initially, leading me to assume she might also be seeing others. Our relationship evolved slowly, given our long-distance nature and infrequent meetings. Neither one of us discussed our expectations early on.

Recently, I've felt guilty for not recognizing the seriousness of our relationship from her POV from the start, especially after learning she considered us serious early on. I'm contemplating discussing this with her but am uncertain if it would be beneficial, given our happy life now.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I discuss these feelings and background with her? I’m unsure whether I did something wrong in her eyes and I don’t know if this is worth mentioning. In terms of when our relationship became exclusive, I discussed this with her recently and it seems we were on the same page. She doesn’t know I was still dating others in the beginning.

[Batya33]

No!!! IMHO.  As the saying goes- let sleeping dogs lie -don't burden her with this! She may have seen it as wrong way way back then - now it's irrelevant.  I wouldn't want to know.  My friend who also met his wife through a dating site -late 90s -has a similar story and has never told her -but he also affirmatively lied to her -I always thought she likely knew given the nature of the lie and chose to look the other way as they also were not technically exclusive yet. Please don't do this.  

[MissCanuck]

Serious question: do you tend to ruminate and over-think in other areas of your life?

You're making a mountain out of molehill here, so I am wondering where this is all coming from now, years after the fact. There is no reason to beat yourself up over this, and even less reason to make an issue with your wife out of it. 

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, rbr85 said:

Years later, now married with a child. Neither one of us discussed our expectations early on.

Are you happily married? What exactly is going on now, years later, that's making you worry about something so insignificant?

Please don't blow up your family for some unnecessary confession about whatever happened a few dates into your relationship. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, rbr85 said:

Am I in the wrong here? Should I discuss these feelings and background with her?

No, and double no. Sounds like you're seeking a way to sabotage your marriage. If that's the case, do it at face value with your current issues rather than reaching for something transparently and insultingly patronizing about your past.

What, exactly, would you expect that your wife should DO with such information, except to feel lousy and question your motives for raising this now?

[Kwothe28]

Did you already posted this before? Seems familiar story.

Also, I am going to go against the grain a bit. While I dont think you did something admirable, I also dont think its that big of a deal. Especially after 7 years together. So if you want to tell her, do just that. 

Do you think she would be mad about it? Is that why you didnt tell her for 7 years?

[boltnrun]

Do you.want to split up with your wife for some reason? Why else would you consider telling her something that could possibly upset her?

[ShySoul]

I might be in the minority with this, but I don't think you initial decision was the right thing to do. After three dates, at least that many months talking, and sleeping together, I would think that you'd have a good idea of your feelings for her and her feelings for you. There had to have been a hint this was turning serious. So sleeping with someone else probably wasn't the best choice to make, even if you weren't "exclusive."

Having said that, it's not about how you started, it's about how you've ended up. Are you happy together now? If so, then the past should be the past. Focus on today and making each moment together as good as it can be. Show her each day how you feel and make her feel loved. Should the topic somehow ever come up, be honest about it. But it's best to concentrate on the here and now, not digging up the past. And if it helps, that you would feel guilty over it says something about how deeply you must care for her. Most men probably wouldn't give it a second thought, but you've taken the time to try and see things from her perspective and are concerned that she may have thought it wrong or feel hurt by you acts. 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Focus on today and making each moment together as good as it can be. Show her each day how you feel and make her feel loved.

I don't think he needs to do this "because" he dated someone else (and I'm never a fan of "talking" before meeting meaning anything about how long you've been in a dating relationship). He can do this "just because" of course -I mean all of us married /committed people strive for this and in general in life, right?

To me if he had sex with her by the third date then having sex with someone else wouldn't be right without telling her for practical reasons. 

By contrast if I found out my husband had gone on dates after we got back together and agreed to be exclusive (which was the third platonic time we met up) it wouldn't matter to me at all that we hadn't had sex yet (which we waited months - to make sure that this time we were ready to be 100% in since having sex meant a lot to us love/emotionally) - he would have been cheating. 

I've never asked him about his contact with his ex who wanted him back.  And they've been in contact professionally over the years.  She and I have mutual friends but I've never met or been in personal contact with her.

Why? Because I trust my husband and I have the whole time we've been dating/married.  And he would never want to upset me by telling me now "oh you know when we were getting together platonically I went on some dates."  Just like I didn't tell him that I was dating a lot before we got back together -I think in those 5 weeks before we got back together I went out with at least 3-4 different men and one multiple times.  None of his business and he never asked -what is the point??

I think what's crucial is what others have mentioned -why now? Why in the world is he focusing on this now to the point of wanting to throw a match into gasoline type reaction???

[Andrina]

Good that you have a conscious as normal human beings do. But at present, the only thing you should now be thinking is: I was younger and stupider back then, so I need to give myself a break. I was human and even though did nothing ethically wrong, I feel now it was a mistake and wish I could turn back time, but I can't. So I'll feel good that everything worked out as it should have, and can move on with my good life.

[smackie9]

The second I read that I yelled in my head NO! Don't let her know that you dummy.

She will never get her head around it. It would destroy her and you know it. It would be a very selfish thing just because you need to relieve some guilt. 

Now if I had a hunch, it's possible she has a feeling that something did occur at that time, maybe a woman's intuition, I dunno. She's feeling some insecurity for whatever reason. I think she just wanted you to echo what she felt...to agree, reassure her. Some guys would say it's a trap, so it's best to play along and keep your mouth shut. 

If there is any evidence lying around, like old text messages, phone numbers, access to accounts on dating app or anything on your social media, better get rid of it now. 

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think he needs to do this "because" he dated someone else (and I'm never a fan of "talking" before meeting meaning anything about how long you've been in a dating relationship). He can do this "just because" of course -I mean all of us married /committed people strive for this and in general in life

I think what's crucial is what others have mentioned -why now? Why in the world is he focusing on this now to the point of wanting to throw a match into gasoline type reaction???

That was actually my point as well. What counts is the love and life they have built over all this time. So instead of thinking about one thing years in the past, continue doing what has worked all this time and focus on the love you have. And part of doing that is showing her each day how much she means to you. He wouldn't be doing it because of his past actions, but because its how he feels now. 

I tend to hold more of a romantic view on relationships. For me if I'm seeing someone, that's it. I'm one person at a time, they have my undivided attention. If we have got to the point of being intimate, then I'm certainly not doing that with anyone else. So if he had three dates after talking to her for months and slept with her, that would seem to indicate they were pretty serious if not official. He then slept with another woman, which I see as violating what he had with his future wife. That's just my opinion and there is enough uncertainty in the situation to make it unclear. Regardless, even if it was a questionable decision, he's more then made up for it over the years.

 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

tend to hold more of a romantic view on relationships. For me if I'm seeing someone, that's it. I'm one person at a time, they have my undivided attention. If we have got to the point of being intimate, then I'm certainly not doing that with anyone else. So if he had three dates after talking to her for months and slept with her, that would seem to indicate they were pretty serious if not official. He then slept with another woman, which I see as violating what he had with his future wife.

I had and have an incredibly romantic view of relationships.  Once we decided to be exclusive we stopped dating or trying to date anyone else. Dating 4 people in a week meant I was giving my undivided attention to each person while on the date.  Including romantic attention.  I never had casual sex and never had sex even if we were exclusive if we'd only been on a couple of dates - so while  I might be fooling around with more than one person there was no issue with sex/risks of STDs etc. 

But yes  I think it's head and heart combined that's most important for marriage minded people.  Both are essential and that doesn't detract at all from a "romantic view" or how much attention is paid.  To me talking for months is talking -I had someone try to lock me down after 2 dates and claim I lead him on because - atypically for me -I agreed to talk by phone nightly for the week before we met and  the week after till date two - so somehow because we "talked" it was more than a first meet and one date. What nonsense.  It all made sense though because he had controlling ways of acting even on those two dates.  Dating is in person - building a romantic relationship cannot happen till you meet in person -a friendship -sure, that can happen.

I agree that obviously he should behave in a loving caring way to his spouse.  I think he did nothing wrong and her perceptions of what it was prior to exclusivity -that's on her, he didn't lie to her.  He had no idea if she'd be his future wife or if they'd go on one or ten more dates.  I think it would be awful if he burdened her with this information now.

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/19/2024 at 12:22 PM, rbr85 said:

Should I discuss...background with her?

Will telling her open up a time portal, and you can change the past?  DOUBTFUL.

What is there to discuss?  That you needed an extra month to figure out if you are going to commit to someone whom you did marry and have a kid with?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, there is zero reason to tell her.  Just go buy her her favorite flowers, and take her on the best anniversary trip, and tell her you love her regularly, and your life with you kid(s) together.

You are where you are because you took the time to think if she was the one for you.  No need to rub in her face you went on a date or hooked up with someone before you both became exclusive.   That info will not make your relationship better or more loving.