Help! I think I am falling for someone I have not met!

[curlqueen]

Sorry, I am not sure which forum this would belong under, so I picked what I thought was best.

 

I met someone through a language exchange app. My intent was not to meet someone because I feel long distance is so hard, and I am at the age where I want someone near. I have tried dating apps and meeting someone organically in my city, but with no success, so I am just enjoying my single life!

So, over 1.5 months ago, this guy messaged me. And we instantly hit it off. We message each other every day, and our chats are just so easy. We talk about everything.

His English is limited, and my Spanish is very limited. So, we do translate a lot of our convos. We do video calls, and when either does not understand something, we message and translate it. But neither one gets annoyed or frustrated. We somehow manage to enjoy each video call, and we spend so long on each call. It feels like I have known him for years.

Truthfully, this is not the first person I have spoken to online. I have made other connections through the years with people around the world. And those who have done the same may understand me when I say that those connections never left me feeling like this. Those connections were like, wow, you are a great person; I would love to meet you one day. But it was never as a romantic connection; maybe there was a thought like perhaps we would go on a date, but nothing beyond that thought.

That is why I am shocked at myself that I have developed these feelings for this guy. There is just something about him that has me so intrigued. And from what we have talked about, we have similar thoughts about life and shared interests.

We both have expressed our feelings for each other. And last night he asked me to be his girlfriend.

However, there is something that is making me question if his intent is genuine. Is he just asking that for fun, or does he mean it? I asked him if the distance was a problem, and he said for him, it was not. I am trying to be realistic and practical about dating someone I have never met because I feel a little stupid to say I am falling for someone online.

But I have read a few stories about people meeting online and dating for months or a year or more before meeting in person.

 

So, my question is for those that have found themselves in a similar situation:

How did you open your mind to the idea of dating someone you never met? How did you openly accept them as your boyfriend/girlfriend?

And how did you trust that they were not speaking to others? Or that they were not dating someone that lived in their area?

Did you hesitate at first like I am, or did you just openly let it happen?

 

And for those that have not:

What are your views on ‘falling’ for someone you met online?

 

Overall, I am just seeking some advice or tips from anyone! I feel that I am trying to keep my feet on the ground and not get lost in this fantasy world that can sometimes happen when speaking to someone online. But there is something about him that is different, like I feel a spark again in my heart which I have not truly felt since I ended my relationship over 5 years ago. I have tried to date but nothing was there, no spark, no feelings. It was more going on dates to try and see but nothing ever developed in my heart.

 

Thank you so much to those who take the time to read and reply! I appreciate all advice or tips!

[Andrina]

Can he afford to fly your way within the next few months? If he did, could you then afford to fly his way after he left within another few months? (I don't recommend you spend your money first.)

To start with, if the answer to one or both is no, move on. It's not doable and you will be binding yourself to a cyber fantasy.

LDRs have a high risk of failure when starting as one. So many cons. Expensive. Not a normal pace of dating. Not being able to see the reality of the person's actual life in their town. Easy to hide secrets. The stress of uprooting your whole lives to move to another location. Chemistry isn't there in person, even though the attraction was there online.

I'm not a fan of LDRs. Besides OLD, there are plenty of ways you can pull out all the stops to meet men. Meetup.com groups. Volunteer work, like at Habitat for Humanity, at zoos and museums. Lessons in dance, cooking, art. Joining co-ed sports teams.

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, curlqueen said:

And for those that have not:

What are your views on ‘falling’ for someone you met online?

I think it's fine to explore an interest in someone you meet online, but you need to be realistic. Unless and until you meet and spend time together in person, it is indeed mostly a fantasy. 

And it is just not wise to commit yourself as someone's "girlfriend" when don't know them in real life. He might be lovely but you have no clue who he really is. You don't know if you have any compatibility offline, whether what he's told you about himself is true, whether the langage barrier would be way too impractical to overcome in person, how he is as a boyfriend, whether he's controlling or noncommital - none of this can be assessed without spending time together offline. 

So, I would urge you not to agree to become this person's girlfriend. You can't have a real relationship that is purely digitial so there is no sense becoming a cyber-couple. Are you close enough that you are actually able to meet sometime soon? Do you both have the means to travel to each other enough to sustain a relationship? 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, curlqueen said:

 I am at the age where I want someone near. I have tried dating apps and meeting someone organically in my city, but with no success, 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like a catch-22. In other words, your disappointment in dating real people locally leads to these cyber fantasies and your cyber fantasies leads you to a faux situation avoiding real life dating. 

[curlqueen]

15 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Can he afford to fly your way within the next few months? If he did, could you then afford to fly his way after he left within another few months? (I don't recommend you spend your money first.)

To start with, if the answer to one or both is no, move on. It's not doable and you will be binding yourself to a cyber fantasy.

LDRs have a high risk of failure when starting as one. So many cons. Expensive. Not a normal pace of dating. Not being able to see the reality of the person's actual life in their town. Easy to hide secrets. The stress of uprooting your whole lives to move to another location. Chemistry isn't there in person, even though the attraction was there online.

I'm not a fan of LDRs. Besides OLD, there are plenty of ways you can pull out all the stops to meet men. Meetup.com groups. Volunteer work, like at Habitat for Humanity, at zoos and museums. Lessons in dance, cooking, art. Joining co-ed sports teams.

Excellent points made especially about him visiting me first. And to be honest, we have not discussed financial things, but we have discussed the possibility of visiting each other. But we never fully thought about a plan about when, who first or any of that. So, it is a great idea to bring it up and see about him visiting first.

I am also not a fan of LDRs, I did one before, but it was a completely different scenario! We worked together on a cruise ship which is a whole different type of dating scene haha.

And to be honest, I am not looking to meet someone at this point, but your suggestions are great and maybe in a couple of months I will look into them.

Thank you for your advice and honest opinion!

[curlqueen]

25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think it's fine to explore an interest in someone you meet online, but you need to be realistic. Unless and until you meet and spend time together in person, it is indeed mostly a fantasy. 

And it is just not wise to commit yourself as someone's "girlfriend" when don't know them in real life. He might be lovely but you have no clue who he really is. You don't know if you have any compatibility offline, whether what he's told you about himself is true, whether the langage barrier would be way too impractical to overcome in person, how he is as a boyfriend, whether he's controlling or noncommital - none of this can be assessed without spending time together offline. 

So, I would urge you not to agree to become this person's girlfriend. You can't have a real relationship that is purely digitial so there is no sense becoming a cyber-couple. Are you close enough that you are actually able to meet sometime soon? Do you both have the means to travel to each other enough to sustain a relationship? 

Everything you said is true and something I have pondered a lot. Like we can all be whoever we want online, and I will never truly know him until I meet him in person.

He is a bit far, like it is not a weekend trip. I would at least need a week to go visit him. And at this moment I can not go until end of June. I am finishing up my last year of my degree program and then will have graduation and shifting into a new position at work, so I do not want to take time off until all of this is completed. I do have the means, but I never spoke to him about his financial situation.

I value your points and I do believe it is okay to explore the interest as you said but I think that is as far as I should go until we meet and see each other in person.

Thank you so much!

[curlqueen]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like a catch-22. In other words, your disappointment in dating real people locally leads to these cyber fantasies and your cyber fantasies leads you to a faux situation avoiding real life dating. 

Maybe you are right but overall, I do not feel that I am avoiding real life dating. I have stepped away from the dating apps because those are just a nightmare for me, it seems I attract the married ones.

And overall, I am enjoying my time being single, so I did not seek a cyber fantasy to avoid anything. I simply joined an app to help increase my Spanish as I will be committing to a Spanish course in the next month.

But I do understand your statement about the catch-22, and I need to make sure I am being realistic and not falling into a cyber fantasy. They are so easy to fall into and that is why I need some advice about this whole situation. SO, thank you!

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, curlqueen said:

Like we can all be whoever we want online, and I will never truly know him until I meet him in person.

Yes, exactly. 

Think of it this way: would you sign a rental lease on a house you've never set foot inside of? 

How would you feel about a landlord asking you to do so? 

[catfeeder]

You’re falling in love with your own fantasy in the same way people fall in love with celebrities. You own the ability to act in your own best interests and shut this down, just trust that your emotions will follow as you gain more and more clarity.

Spend as much time as possible with loved ones you’ve been neglecting in favor of living in your own head, and allow their grounding and normalizing influences to help you through the grief of dis-illusion-ment. You will thank yourself for this, and the bonds you build will be stronger than you can imagine right now, and your gratitude will carry you through to building a fabulous future.

Head high, you can do this.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, curlqueen said:

How did you open your mind to the idea of dating someone you never met? How did you openly accept them as your boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

I was the romantic soul once. Believed that love has no boundaries and that if 2 people are really connected they would make it out somehow. Sadly the reality kicked in. And I discovered that I was the only one who thought that and that the other side didnt particularly care about me or my feelings at all. Oh well, live and learn I guess...

Anyway, I would advice you against it. At the end of the day its just a fantasy. Sure, maybe some hot Latino speaking to you affectionately every day is nice. But you dont know that person. Until you spend some time with them, its pointless as some things you would find out just by that. And you cant see each other for quite a while so you are just losing time there. Time that you could spend by finding somebody that you could actually see.

[ShySoul]

Once you feel that connection, once you start to fall, go with it. Of course you should be careful and take things slow. Don't be sending over tons of money, giving out private information, etc. Keep your head on you and don't do something that could lead to you being taken advantage of. But if you are spending hours at a time, multiple times a week talking to this person, then you just know. You trust them the same way you trust people in person, gradually by getting more and more comfortable with them. You learn about each others dating history and if you mutually agree to being exclusive together, you trust there word because you trust them. When you think about it, being in person carries all the same risks. They could be seeing you every day in real life and still be seeing others when you aren't around. They could still be lying about anything. So it's not that different. Treat it as you would any relationship, taking your time and only going as far as both of you are comfortable with.

However, you should at least start planning on seeing each other in person. At some point a relationship does need to have both people physically in the same location. Once you do, you'll know everything for certain. Until then, be cautious but don't overthink it. Enjoy the time together while still enjoying your daily life where you are and with the people near you.

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I was the romantic soul once. Believed that love has no boundaries and that if 2 people are really connected they would make it out somehow. Sadly the reality kicked in. And I discovered that I was the only one who thought that and that the other side didnt particularly care about me or my feelings at all

I still believe that. Call me naive, crazy, or stupid (and many have), but if two people are really connected and willing to make it work, then love has no boundaries and can conquer all. You aren't the only one that thinks it. The problem is that the other side wasn't willing or open to that kind of love. The false alarms and people who don't value our love can make it seem like the romance we dream of is an illusion. It's difficult to have faith. But I believe when two people are suppose to work out, they will. If it doesn't, they it wasn't meant to be. Eventually, we will find are meant to be.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I still believe that. Call me naive, crazy, or stupid (and many have), but if two people are really connected and willing to make it work, then love has no boundaries and can conquer all. You aren't the only one that thinks it. The problem is that the other side wasn't willing or open to that kind of love. The false alarms and people who don't value our love can make it seem like the romance we dream of is an illusion. It's difficult to have faith. But I believe when two people are suppose to work out, they will. If it doesn't, they it wasn't meant to be. Eventually, we will find are meant to be.

I agree with this when people meet in person - to a point -love is not enough IMO to sustain a long term committed relationship /-before meeting in person the romantic love is largely if not all fantasy.  I have many online platonic friends over the years and love a number of them! I think there is no such thing as an online romantic relationship.  There is online sexting/flirting/interactions but it's not a real romantic relationship despite "real feelings".