Bf cheating on me?

[GreenEyesss]

I recently observed a complex relationship dynamic between my boyfriend and a doctoral student at the university. He works with students on ethical research permissions.

Despite being acquainted with her, my bf hesitates to openly acknowledge their friendship or personal connection. This lack of transparency raises questions about the nature of their relationship. When I had visited his university to attend a lecture ( he was working) I saw them talking for quite some time outside ( and the way she was talking, it seemed like she knew him quite well) and they were exchanging numbers too. Then they chatted a bit, suddenly becoming quiet and he walked off outside the campus and the girl was walking with him. Out of suspicion, I followed them and saw that they weren't speaking much while talking and disappeared around food outlet/tube station.

He returned 3 hours later alone and when I asked him where he was, he said he was outside but didn't elaborate where and with whom.

The situation took a turn 2 months after this meet up when my friend who also works in the same office as my bf said that the same student had visited the office looking for my boyfriend. She asked if he was still working in the department and expressed distress over unanswered texts, claiming she had been texting him but he was not replying.

My friend told my bf about her visit but he didn't say why she came looking for him. Eventually, I asked him and he said things like she is "just a student", he knows her since 2018, how he knows her and 2 other students etc. I asked him again and he said it was about a committee report and even said that he heard how she was living with a guy. After that incident, each time the office door would be open, he would go and close it and even told my friend that he's now very wary of who comes looking for him.

He never mentioned that they went out and he also didn't say he knows her personally. He has mentioned almost every female colleague he's gone out with but with this one, he never does. Also, how can he hear about her living with a guy when he knew her personally? She would tell him herself if that was the case.

I am not satisfied with these answers because of this was only about a committee report then why didn't she send him an email and if it was only professional, why was she so distressed over lack of replies to her text?

He has continued to send her career events and resources and two others.

Am I suspecting him for no reason or was he hooking up with her or something?

[GreenEyesss]

Hellooo??

[Coily]

It's been 15 minutes or so...
He could feel guilty and they did something; he could feel uncomfortable because she made a pass at him and he turned her down, and fears she could make false accusations; it could be strictly work on a touchy subject on ethics. She could be a stage 5 clinger and expect him to give her and her project undivided attention?

Something to take into consideration is  he under a confidentiality agreement to not discuss a doctoral student? Is he bound by ethics or under penalty of being fired if he discusses student issues with non-relevant staff?

The big question I have for you, "Has he ever given you suspicion of cheating at other times? Or are you jealous/suspicious in this one particular case?" I don't want to down play your unease about this, but reflect and see if there is anything beyond these incidents listed here that would make you suspicious.

I know there will be a ton who just pile on the "he must be up to something" train, and feed these negative thoughts. I don't think that's fair to you or him. I would suggest you have a calm serious discussion with him about how you perceive and feel about this situation, his reaction will be telling. However avoid just confronting and accusing him of cheating, as he will never satisfy your questions while defensive.

[GreenEyesss]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

It's been 15 minutes or so...
He could feel guilty and they did something; he could feel uncomfortable because she made a pass at him and he turned her down, and fears she could make false accusations; it could be strictly work on a touchy subject on ethics. She could be a stage 5 clinger and expect him to give her and her project undivided attention?

Something to take into consideration is  he under a confidentiality agreement to not discuss a doctoral student? Is he bound by ethics or under penalty of being fired if he discusses student issues with non-relevant staff?

The big question I have for you, "Has he ever given you suspicion of cheating at other times? Or are you jealous/suspicious in this one particular case?" I don't want to down play your unease about this, but reflect and see if there is anything beyond these incidents listed here that would make you suspicious.

I know there will be a ton who just pile on the "he must be up to something" train, and feed these negative thoughts. I don't think that's fair to you or him. I would suggest you have a calm serious discussion with him about how you perceive and feel about this situation, his reaction will be telling. However avoid just confronting and accusing him of cheating, as he will never satisfy your questions while defensive.

No he's not bound by anything  she also finished her thesis and submitted so it wasn't like she still needed help

Plus he was the one who walked off and she was following him

[Coily]

2 minutes ago, GreenEyesss said:

No he's not bound by anything  she also finished her thesis and submitted so it wasn't like she still needed help

Could that be why he wasn't returning her texts? It sounds like she's putting off some stalker-ish vibes here.

[GreenEyesss]

Just now, Coily said:

Could that be why he wasn't returning her texts? It sounds like she's putting off some stalker-ish vibes here.

No they went together. It's just that he started walking first and she went with him.

[Coily]

Just now, GreenEyesss said:

No they went together. It's just that he started walking first and she went with him.

No. I'm referring to her going to the office after him not responding to her.

[GreenEyesss]

Just now, Coily said:

No. I'm referring to her going to the office after him not responding to her.

Yes I'm assuming she was texting him a lot and he wasn't replying so she went looking for him to confront him and speak to him in person as to why he wasn't replying

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, GreenEyesss said:

He has mentioned almost every female colleague he's gone out with but with this one, he never does.

What are the relationship rules that you two have established as far as giving phone numbers to opposite sex acquaintances and new friends? As well as the rules of hanging out with people, one on one, of the opposite sex as far as friends and colleagues go.

Sounds like a given that a lot of students have his personal number for university business. How long have you two been together? Do you match on relationship boundaries? Does he seem to enjoy a lot of female company as seems to be possible, since this appears to be the case in what I quoted above? What is his relationship history, and what is yours?

Just trying to get a bigger picture. In any case, if you feel like your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, perhaps you'd be happier with someone whom you can have total trust in.

[GreenEyesss]

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

What are the relationship rules that you two have established as far as giving phone numbers to opposite sex acquaintances and new friends? As well as the rules of hanging out with people, one on one, of the opposite sex as far as friends and colleagues go.

Sounds like a given that a lot of students have his personal number for university business. How long have you two been together? Do you match on relationship boundaries? Does he seem to enjoy a lot of female company as seems to be possible, since this appears to be the case in what I quoted above? What is his relationship history, and what is yours?

Just trying to get a bigger picture. In any case, if you feel like your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, perhaps you'd be happier with someone whom you can have total trust in.

Been together for 2 years.

He does enjoy female attention and he was quite close to a female colleague in the office who was married and had a child. But I knew about her.

He has been divorced once.

I have never married.

 

[GreenEyesss]

Heloo

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, GreenEyesss said:

Been together for 2 years.

He does enjoy female attention and he was quite close to a female colleague in the office who was married and had a child. But I knew about her.

He has been divorced once.

I have never married.

 

Yes- so what as Andrina asked are your understandings about boundaries when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex?

[Wiseman2]

He seems flattered by the attention. Not necessarily "cheating", but he's enjoying it. 

[GreenEyesss]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems flattered by the attention. Not necessarily "cheating", but he's enjoying it. 

But you don't think he's cheated when he wasn't replying and went out?

[GreenEyesss]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- so what as Andrina asked are your understandings about boundaries when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex?

I'm OK with friendship as long he's open and honest. He is honest with other women. It's just this one he was hiding

[catfeeder]

We don’t have a crystal ball, and you know far more about this—and about him—than we do.

I’d make this less about BF, and more about myself and how I want to live. If I don’t trust someone and believe that he would cheat, would that be the kind of relationship I’d want for myself and my future?

Chances are, if you can get past this incident, you’ll find another one. You get to decide if that’s how you want to live.

[Andrina]

You won't know if he's cheating unless you hire a private investigator. Not that I suggest doing that, but if you don't know if he's cheating, how would we know? The fact is, it looks like you've been scouring his computer or phone like a spy and interrogating him about his whereabouts. Is this the first relationship where you've felt compelled to do this? 

Couples are normally accountable to each other, as to changes if a person will be late getting home, and what they are doing after work. Sounds like this is lacking in your relationship.

If you're upset the majority of the time, finding his love of female attention has now crossed the line, perhaps it's time to end this so you can eventually find someone who doesn't gather female harems. 

[boltnrun]

The minute I feel I need to plow through my partner's phone or stealthily follow him is the minute I know the relationship is over. Regardless of whether or not he's actually cheating the trust is gone. 

[Tinydance]

On 2/9/2024 at 5:35 AM, GreenEyesss said:

Hellooo??

You are not going to necessarily get a response in one second. Patience is a virtue lol

[Tinydance]

On 2/9/2024 at 7:12 PM, GreenEyesss said:

Heloo

Seriously? Lol

[Tinydance]

OK so to me this would all depend on the overall situation. When he exchanged numbers with this student, was he giving his personal number? Or does he get given a work phone or he has a work office with a phone? When I first went to university, that was in 2003 and people were still using landline phones. It was considered normal for a lecturer/professor/tutor to say to students that they can contact them for any help or make appointments to discuss anything. Of course the discussion had to be university related or somehow relevant: "E.g. I'm being bullied by other students." I'm also not sure if a work phone isn't provided that there may be a need to give your personal number.

Nowadays some people work from home so for example if he's not in an office at work and wasn't given a work phone, maybe he needs to speak to students or colleagues on his private phone. I would get suspicious if he has an office phone or work cell phone but he was giving out his personal number. But if he's required by work to give his personal number out then it's not suspicious.

I'm not actually sure what proof you have that he was talking to and walking with a student. Sometimes at university I was speaking to a teacher after class but they had to teach another class so we would walk out together or something like that because we were still speaking. I'm not saying he's not cheating but I just don't see a large amount in your post specifically that indicates this in an of itself. 

[GreenEyesss]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

OK so to me this would all depend on the overall situation. When he exchanged numbers with this student, was he giving his personal number? Or does he get given a work phone or he has a work office with a phone? When I first went to university, that was in 2003 and people were still using landline phones. It was considered normal for a lecturer/professor/tutor to say to students that they can contact them for any help or make appointments to discuss anything. Of course the discussion had to be university related or somehow relevant: "E.g. I'm being bullied by other students." I'm also not sure if a work phone isn't provided that there may be a need to give your personal number.

Nowadays some people work from home so for example if he's not in an office at work and wasn't given a work phone, maybe he needs to speak to students or colleagues on his private phone. I would get suspicious if he has an office phone or work cell phone but he was giving out his personal number. But if he's required by work to give his personal number out then it's not suspicious.

I'm not actually sure what proof you have that he was talking to and walking with a student. Sometimes at university I was speaking to a teacher after class but they had to teach another class so we would walk out together or something like that because we were still speaking. I'm not saying he's not cheating but I just don't see a large amount in your post specifically that indicates this in an of itself. 

He gave his personal number.

Already I wrote I saw them leaving outside uni, disappearing around the tube station.

[Jaunty]

You seem like you don't trust your boyfriend at all.  Why would you want to remain in a relationship without trust?  

 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/9/2024 at 10:38 AM, GreenEyesss said:

But you don't think he's cheated when he wasn't replying and went out?

Does he usually go out with other women and ignore you? How did you happen to see them leaving together? He told you she was a student so he's probably flattered by the attention. What did he say when you told him you saw them leaving for the metro together?