Break up

[Lostlady07]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I get it, and yet you have the choice to move your focus beyond appearances instead of stagnating inside a fantasy world of 'should'. You've seen firsthand how intimidating this man can be, so why would you fault a dependent elder for their self-preserving response to an outcome that they did not choose?

You're the one who is liberated from this horrible situation. You can elect to view this through the lens of a tragedy, or you can view yourself as having dodged the kind of bullet that typically befalls women who remain attached to 'intimidating' men. He was abusive, or potentially abusive, and yet, you are free without injury to pursue a better future.

You get to choose your own outlook on this. If you wish to harm yourself with tentacles that will not let go of the fantasies you built around this man as apposed to his unfortunate cruelty, you can do that--it's not against the law. But you seem to be more intelligent than that. I hope you will push yourself out of your own way to reach out and bond with loved ones. Consider this to be an anomaly that taught you the necessity of self respect and grasping a focus on the kind of future you want to enjoy.

Please continue to write if it helps, and please participate on these boards to help others, because your kindness can be of value to many. Also consider the benefit you may be assigning to feeling victimized when you are far too smart for that--you are a unique and valuable survivor of an involvement that could have turned out far worse given who you were dealing with.

My heart goes out to you, and head high.

Wow Catfish.  That hit deep.  I have just woke up & this lovely meaningful reply has - along with all the others helped me so much.  Thank you everybody for the genuine & honest help.

It puts things in a whole new perspective.

I always wondered why his ex wife could not wait to get him out of the house.  He told me that she said he was mentally unstable. He acted the victim & I took him at face value.

He is living with the parent hoping to get the house & does not want his two other siblings to get a share. As he would have nowhere to go. His poor surviving parent deserves a bit of peace in her final years.  

At least I won't be around for that mess when it happens.

 

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

Should I reach out to him?  I've not reacted to him in months. Is that what he is at or is it just breadcrumbs & why now?

No, just no. Lots of times exes come back looking for validation. And not because they care qbout us. This one is looking for that also. For example. 

17 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

The money- he used to be very kind & generous as was I.  Then he became extremely mean.. One example after he came into some money.  He brought tickets for everyone for a certain event & left me out.  Said he had no money but then spent £100s for props for the event. The ticket cost £20

 

He used to be very kind to you because he wanted to show up and be presented in the best light. But when that faded away and he didnt need to prove anything to you, there was no need for him to be generous to you. He still does it with his friends to keep up that facade. Very disingenous person who just wants your attention that he doesnt get now. So would suggest to not give it to him in the future as well.

[Batya33]

Do you think you could have found out about his mental health issues sooner if you had made different choices in how you interacted with him? Might be helpful to you in future relationships.  I hope you are feeling better today.

[Andrina]

21 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

He became very critcal of me & downright mean with money/resources etc

What is most concerning is that even after 7 months of distance, you haven't attained clearer, more objective thinking. You seemed to have not learned anything from the encounter. That there is no good reason for a partner to be critical and downright mean. The moment that happened you should have made a quick exit. Instead, in your post, you wonder if you should reach out to him. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are bound to repeat them.

I do relate to you in that I once lacked a total self-love, which is also likely an issue you face. I also was in a one year relationship wherein I stuck around even with red flags flying at the beginning, and poor treatment. He was the one who broke up with me, and I also did pleading. The difference was that after about 4 months of time and distance away from the situation, I realized he did me a favor by breaking up with me, and I no longer wanted him back. 

I strongly advise learning skills of self-love by reading books and articles about how to achieve that. Maybe doing so will bring you to a place of better understanding of how to navigate more wisely in future relationships. 

The good thing is that after getting to a good place mentally and emotionally, you're now free to meet someone worthy of you. It happened to me, and I appreciate my husband all the more because of what I previously endured with toxic relationships.

Take care.

[boltnrun]

20 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

I am not very close to my family, have some great friends but don't want to be bothering them

I strongly recommend you work on this.  I think your loneliness and isolation caused you to overly attach yourself to someone who clearly showed he didn't value you and it's causing you to romanticize him and the relationship and how you remember him.  It's also causing you to want to go back to being mistreated rather than continue to be "alone".

So, don't be alone.  Find ways to interact with others even if it's just a few hours a week or it's superficial interactions such as with a barista or store clerk.  And I doubt your close friends will think you're "bothering" them if you contact them asking to get together for coffee or lunch and a movie.

I do hope you've decided to remove any social media platform connections you have with him.

[Lostlady07]

I have decided to remove him from our remaining connections.  Have got a few self help books

He does not have any friends. He is very much a lone wolf. There is one who he chats to on the phone but this person lives 5 hours away. I am fortunate to have great friends & we all help each other out

I did not know about his mental health issues when we got together.

I feel a bit better today.  Though I have good & bad days & all I see everywhere at the moment is Valentines stuff which does not help.  

I don't know why I am so attached to him

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lostlady07 said:

I have decided to remove him from our remaining connections.  Have got a few self help books

He does not have any friends. He is very much a lone wolf. There is one who he chats to on the phone but this person lives 5 hours away. I am fortunate to have great friends & we all help each other out

I did not know about his mental health issues when we got together.

I feel a bit better today.  Though I have good & bad days & all I see everywhere at the moment is Valentines stuff which does not help.  

I don't know why I am so attached to him

I don't think you'll know why by forcing yourself to figure it out. It's kind of like we know we crave chocolate peanut butter cheesecake (ok I do) because it's a tasty dessert but to the extent you want to go to the store specially to get it? 

You're attached -because.  It's normal.  So accept.  And go on with your day.  I know you didn't know about his issues when you got together -but - 1-2 months in -you still didn't? Did he hide them or were you sort of in denial? I had them hidden once -first 3 months.  Then I witnessed the significant issue and then it was - over.  

I'm glad you feel better today. On Feb. 15 or 16th please look out for the deeply discounted Valentine candy sales - quite satisfying.  

[catfeeder]

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

21 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

I am not very close to my family, have some great friends but don't want to be bothering them

I strongly recommend you work on this.  I think your loneliness and isolation caused you to overly attach yourself to someone who clearly showed he didn't value you and it's causing you to romanticize him and the relationship and how you remember him.  It's also causing you to want to go back to being mistreated rather than continue to be "alone".

I agree. There is actually no better time to build bonds with friends, family, neighbors, and strangers than when we are suffering, even while we are unwilling to take them down, too. You might think, "I'm too down and boring right now..." even while this is the perfect time to step out of your own way. 

When we're not feeling 'up,' we're also not feeling 'on'. This renders useless any remnants of the paste-on personality we may have used to socialize while we were feeling fine. Then, boom! We become excellent listeners. The personality that may have filled in gaps or taken over the convo has gone quiet, and the rawness we feel has tenderized us into being sensitive, invested and grateful to have such a person in our lives.

Every time I've gone through something in my life, I've gone through tunnels of booking commitments to others that I will not break, despite not feeling up to seeing anyone. So I set my bar very low--I just need to show up. Once I do that, the rest is easy. I've helped with errands, projects, yard work, garage sales, cooking, or sometimes I'll just relax and treat someone to a nice meal.

The point is, I've come out the other side of every tunnel feeling grounded, 'normalized' and grateful for the honor of having these people in my life. Our bonds have been cultivated in ways that I couldn't have imagined a year or a month ago, I've even repaired some relationships for which I had little tolerance before.

Rawness opens new pathways in the brain and the heart. Use this time for all it's worth, and make yourself proud. You already know that you are kind, but how about surprising yourself with an addition of resilience to your list of life skills?

Head high, and you are FABulous!

[catfeeder]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

...Did he hide [his issues] or were you sort of in denial? I had them hidden once -first 3 months.  Then I witnessed the significant issue and then it was - over.  

That's the thing, LL. When someone turns mean, that's usually a signal for healthy people to walk away--not lean into catering to the person and his family.

Someone telling me that he couldn't afford 20 bucks for a ticket while spending on others would have told me all I needed to know about where I stood with the guy. I'd have saved face in front of others by secretly paying for the ticket, but that would have been the last the man ever saw of me.

Nobody is worth devaluing your Self.

[Lostlady07]

Thanks Guys.  I just try to do my best for people.  I've had a very tough life my whole life but always made the best of it.

He never really showed any red flags other than I saw him have a physical row with a close family member.  I should have left that day & never looked back. He always seemed afraid I would leave.  Always telling me not to give up on him.  It was him that gave up on me & I still have no clue what I did.  The treating me terrible started when his mental health took a bad decline 

 

[boltnrun]

We can't "nice" or "helpful" someone into loving us.

And some people often use the excuse "but I WANTED to help him and his family! I'm a 'giving' person!" 

Yes, you are indeed kind and giving. That wasn't an act. But he's a taker, not a giver. No wonder he has no friends. 

[Lostlady07]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

That's the thing, LL. When someone turns mean, that's usually a signal for healthy people to walk away--not lean into catering to the person and his family.

Someone telling me that he couldn't afford 20 bucks for a ticket while spending on others would have told me all I needed to know about where I stood with the guy. I'd have saved face in front of others by secretly paying for the ticket, but that would have been the last the man ever saw of me.

Nobody is worth devaluing your Self.

I actually did get the ticket myself. Also the outfits needed & then 2 weeks before it.  He left.  I never went in the end as did not want to see him there.  I remember being very shocked at the time that he did not get me a ticket.  He 100% had the money. 

I often wonder what I did to deserve such terrible treatment 

[Batya33]

Just now, Lostlady07 said:

I often wonder what I did to deserve such terrible treatment 

What would make you wonder it is something you did? 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

often wonder what I did to deserve such terrible treatment 

I find it somewhat disturbing that you are blaming yourself for how poorly he treated you. 

Have you considered talking to a professional to work through your feelings of blame and low self worth?

[Lostlady07]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

What would make you wonder it is something you did? 

I guess because he seemed to really value me & was ringing me 4/5 times a day, making plans for the following year etc & then it all changed.  He was also having a real hard time when he left. Everything was going wrong for him

Boltnrun - He told me he loved me so I was happy to give/help out because I cared.  

With my friends - we are all givers & help each other out so it came natural to me

[Lostlady07]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I find it somewhat disturbing that you are blaming yourself for how poorly he treated you. 

Have you considered talking to a professional to work through your feelings of blame and low self worth?

Yes I have considered it but a couple of months ago my financial situation changed & it costs a fair bit of money.  I have kids that take up all my finances & I look after a very sick family member so not much free time

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

I guess because he seemed to really value me & was ringing me 4/5 times a day, making plans for the following year etc & then it all changed.  He was also having a real hard time when he left. Everything was going wrong for him

Boltnrun - He told me he loved me so I was happy to give/help out because I cared.  

With my friends - we are all givers & help each other out so it came natural to me

Why do that many phone calls a day make you feel valued? Perhaps he was just needy and you were his security blanket.  Certainly it's nice when someone makes future plans.   Most people with rare exception cannot keep up 4-5 times a day calls to the same person.

[Lostlady07]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why do that many phone calls a day make you feel valued? Perhaps he was just needy and you were his security blanket.  Certainly it's nice when someone makes future plans.   Most people with rare exception cannot keep up 4-5 times a day calls to the same person.

I think I was indeed his security blanket.  He did like to be in charge of everything.  I was completely blind sided when he left as I thought his behaviour was down to his severe depression.  I had no idea it was because he was not happy with me.  Whenever I asked about "us" he said there was no problem.  

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

With my friends - we are all givers & help each other out so it came natural to me

I doubt your friends speak to you or treat you the way this man did.

Yes, it's good to be giving in a relationship, but other than saying he loved you and calling you what did he do that was giving toward you?

I recently signed up for Better Help. They have a sliding fee schedule so you pay what you can afford. I think it could be of tremendous help if you could work through your feelings of self blame and low self worth so you don't get into another situation like this one or worse, convince yourself to go back to him. 

[Lostlady07]

No my friends are great but so was he for the first year & a half.  Then he started getting quite critcal of me.  It was vague at first.  Then all affection stopped but he has some severe physical health issues going on so I never pressured him.  I helped him out a lot with that.

Is Better Help online?

 

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

…I often wonder what I did to deserve such terrible treatment 

Oh, staaap with the ‘deserve’ nonsense, you are deliberately missing the point.

I thought you bought your ticket because you were on the spot, but you did that in advance—and stuck around? Seriously?

By putting up with this man’s mistreatment you devalued yourself in your own eyes—and his. The quickest way to get tossed is to cling to someone despite mistreatment, regardless of whether someone is ill, or not. In fact, walking away from mistreatment is the kindest thing we can do for a person, because it teaches them to value others and it models self respect. But if you don’t have enough of that to demonstrate it, then you’re confirming a sense of unworthiness that can only make a mean person cringe and go meaner.

My dear, you will hopefully re-read this thread and recognize the value we all see in you. It’s why we are asking you to celebrate your worthiness of far, far better days ahead. But that’s up to you. The best therapist in the world cannot live our lives FOR us, and nobody here can force you to recognize that you’ve dodged a bullet.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

Yes I have considered it but a couple of months ago my financial situation changed & it costs a fair bit of money.  I have kids that take up all my finances & I look after a very sick family member so not much free time

Sorry this is happening. Do your children all live at home? How is their relationship with their father?  Do you live with elderly parents or relatives?

Why did you waste so much time playing mother and helper to this nasty man's family instead of taking care of yourself and your own family? 

Sadly you keep defending yourself over and over and over about what a good person you are, but this situation has nothing to do with that. It has to do with repeatedly overlooking red flags in a bad man. It's not about how altruistic you are it's about how bad he is. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

. The UK has healthcare and you had the time to waste looking after this man's entire family like a martyr, so that's not a good reason to not take care of yourself.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Lostlady07 said:

Is Better Help online?

 

Yes, it's online or over the phone. I chose video calls but you can do it even over text, I believe.

And trying to "help" someone who's mistreating you doesn't really make sense. He didn't want help, he wanted to be mean to you. It's upsetting, but true...he liked having you around to be mean to. It had nothing to do with what you "deserved". 

I hope you can get to a point where you realize how very bad this man is for you. Regardless of how you get there. 

[Lostlady07]

I live with my kids & look after a very sick relative. They have a good relationship with their dad.  

He did not always treat me badly.  It started a year & a half into our relationship.  His mental health was in a very bad place & he became increasingly misogonistitic.  He really seems to hate women.  There was no signs of that at first.  He claims he was treated terribly by his ex & that she is a narc.

He always said he would kill any man who treated his daughters badly.  He did not seem to see his own double standards.

Also he would regularly put on the tears.  From reading your replies I'm beginning to think that this was to manipulate people.  

Wiseman2  - he hid those red flags very well at the beginning.  

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lostlady07 said:

He never really showed any red flags other than I saw him have a physical row with a close family member.  I should have left that day & never looked back. 

Agree with this.  You should have left with this major red flag. Please read up on abusive relationships. They do not start out abusive, it's usually insidious.