Break up

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

He always said he would kill any man who treated his daughters badly.  He did not seem to see his own double standards.

Really? Kill? Didn't you find that a bit -overkill? I mean sure I go all Mama Bear too but not in a kill way and not in an aggressive way -whatever is appropriate for the circumstances. Didn't that concern you?  I once had a second date with a man who told me gleefully and pridefully how a man on a public bus had said something rude to him so he beat him up (he owned a kickboxing gym).  Of course that was our last date.

[Lostlady07]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Really? Kill? Didn't you find that a bit -overkill? I mean sure I go all Mama Bear too but not in a kill way and not in an aggressive way -whatever is appropriate for the circumstances. Didn't that concern you?  I once had a second date with a man who told me gleefully and pridefully how a man on a public bus had said something rude to him so he beat him up (he owned a kickboxing gym).  Of course that was our last date.

Now I do.  At the time I just thought he was being a macho typical dad

I feel really stupid now thinking back to some of the stuff he said.  It seems like he hid his true character for a long time.  He also pretended to like cats at the start of our relationahip but that changed in the second year.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

Now I do.  At the time I just thought he was being a macho typical dad

I feel really stupid now thinking back to some of the stuff he said.  It seems like he hid his true character for a long time.  He also pretended to like cats at the start of our relationahip but that changed in the second year.  

Oh gosh. Wow.  How offensive to parents that stereotype i -whatever gender.  No it's not typical to threaten to kill someone for "treating my daughter badly" and no it's not "macho" whether it's a man or woman -depends on whether it was meant as a joke or a reference -obviously people use  the word kill in jokey circumstances.  

Are you looking for that sort of "macho" as you put it? If so then check yourself -it's fine if you are  -but then accept the downsides of risking finding a lot more men with anger issues.Were you acting like a typical submissive little woman running around and being  nurse/caregiver/shopper for his family? People are into all sorts of dynamics - S and M -being the damsel in distress or the hero but then accept the downsides.  

[boltnrun]

My former husband and I agreed we would kill (yes, literally) anyone who physically harmed our child.  Yes, I would.  Exception would be if it was another child such as school bullying, in which case we would report the bully to the school authorities and the bully's parents. But if someone treated my kids poorly?  As in, cheated on them or called them names?  Nope, that would be excessive.

I mean, there's the stereotype of the father cleaning his guns on the front porch when a young man arrives to take his daughter out on a date.   And I know someone to whom that happened.  

This man was full of red flags and outright poor treatment of you, which you excused away as him being sick or depressed.  I've been both sick and depressed (at the same time too!) and I never, not once, treated the people I loved the way this man treated you.

I think you just wanted to hold on no matter the cost.  

Consider yourself lucky he ended it.  You might still be there, being mistreated and feeling your sense of self worth sinking lower and lower and lower.

I still hope you consider some type of professional help, even if it's just free support groups.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My former husband and I agreed we would kill (yes, literally) anyone who physically harmed our child.  Yes, I would.  Exception would be if it was another child such as school bullying, in which case we would report the bully to the school authorities and the bully's parents. But if someone treated my kids poorly?  As in, cheated on them or called them names?  Nope, that would be excessive.

Yes, that is what I meant- when it comes to physical harm that for sure can kick in for a parent -totally can see that! And yes we reported bullying on the school bus and school to the school.  And when someone threw his glasses and broke them yes the mother paid me what insurance didn't cover and yes I felt entitled to that $.  She also took away privileges from him.  It all worked out. I knew the mother and the boy.  Did not feel like physically harming the boy.  Also didn't feel like that when there was roughousing that went too far (meaning my son didn't participate -he was rough housed ) - but I did notify the school and the boy was disciplined and the mother apologized and it never happened again. 

And I can see for sure wanting that sort of retaliation for physical harm.  And to me that wouldn't be macho or "typical dad" -it would be a parent who is going to protect his or her child and make sure things are put right.  

OP if you were able to dismiss those comments with some notion of "macho" or "typical dad" ask yourself whether you deliberately ignored signs because part of you like that whole sort of "macho" bravado stuff.

[Lostlady07]

So basically what I was trying to say - (rather badly it seems) was that Nobody was allowed to treat his daughters badly but he thought it ok to treat me like crap.  

Of course I have never involved his kids in what has happened.  They think he is fantastic & he has always blamed their mother.  Apparantly she always had him in tears, was abusive to him. She was a narc etc.

There is no worries of us getting back together as although I knew he was watching my social media especially recently.  I've not heard from him.  

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

So basically what I was trying to say - (rather badly it seems) was that Nobody was allowed to treat his daughters badly but he thought it ok to treat me like crap.  

Of course I have never involved his kids in what has happened.  They think he is fantastic & he has always blamed their mother.  Apparantly she always had him in tears, was abusive to him. She was a narc etc.

There is no worries of us getting back together as although I knew he was watching my social media especially recently.  I've not heard from him.  

I know that was your general point.  Your analysis of his comment concerned me.  Seems to me you also need to treat yourself better, like you matter.  Him viewing your SM means nothing relevant about your former relationship. 

Not surprised how his children regard him.  He is their father, you were a woman he was dating and seriously after awhile.  No question as to who they want to be with and support -it's normal!

[Lostlady07]

They are great kids but I think he has made out to them that it was all their mothers/ ex Stepmothers fault.  I now know that it is not the likely case.  He called her a narc & acted like a victim.  It seems maybe it was him that was the abusive one.  I guess no woman ends a marriage with the father of her kids lightly.

Everybody here really has helped me a lot.

 

 

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

They are great kids but I think he has made out to them that it was all their mothers/ ex Stepmothers fault.

I could never respect a man who would badmouth a child's mother to the child--or even within earshot of the child. That's a sick thing to do, and I'd want no part of him.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

They are great kids but I think he has made out to them that it was all their mothers/ ex Stepmothers fault.  I now know that it is not the likely case.  He called her a narc & acted like a victim.  It seems maybe it was him that was the abusive one.  I guess no woman ends a marriage with the father of her kids lightly.

Everybody here really has helped me a lot.

 

 

What you know and think is -irrelevant -if it helps you to think it to yourself and feel validated then whatever work.  Please accept you have no place in this, in their lives, you never knew what it was like on the inside.  I would think it's rare for a person to end a marriage lightly when kids are involved.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I could never respect a man who would badmouth a child's mother to the child--or even within earshot of the child. That's a sick thing to do, and I'd want no part of him.

When my friend got divorced she showed me the agreement and it included a "no badmouthing" type thing -I would think and hope that is common and -even if not written down -a common practice to be..... an adult and role model to your children.

 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

I think he has made out to them that it was all their mothers/ ex Stepmothers fault. 

So, unfortunately he has probably said the same things about you to his kids.  Hence why I strongly recommend you detach any connections to them WRT social media, etc.   Hopefully you have removed all connections to him as well.

[Pretty Princess G]

Hi,

It's sad things ended with the one you really liked.. I kinda am in a similar situation with a guy I loved 💔 and I'm afraid to say anything since ik he won't reply lol .. 

 

Idk I guess since he broke up with you I would let things be.. it's hard to do but if he's blocked you on a few things hon I wouldn't bother. idk like from my experience with men, they are pretty assertive well the men I've dated are lol.. but yeah maybe he's going through something. I would say give it some time and see how it goes from there.. 

[Lostlady07]

I just wanted to give a little update & thank you all for your advice.  It really does help those of us in a difficult place.

I'm feeling much better, seeing the emotional abuse for what it was (Thanks Wiseman)

I also wanted to let others see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Having read the answers a few times, I need to step away from the " Alpha aggressive types.

I have been on a few dates with a sweet Sensitive man who is the opposite of my ex.  While it is very early days & I never intended to be back dating this soon - we are going very slowly.  

Thanks so much everyone.  I feel that my ex sucked the life out of me & I am starting to feel like myself again.