Not sure what to do living with ex girlfriend

[SydThaKid]

Hi, I’m new to this website but have read on several topics and figured it couldn’t hurt to try and seek some advice of my own.

I started to date an old friend a little over four years ago, and the relationship was great. A few months went by and we found out she was pregnant. Fast forward 9 months later and we had ourselves a healthy baby boy. I myself already had a boy from a previous relationship that had failed and I was determined to make this one work. With the birth of our son came her suffering from post partum depression. It was hard watching her suffer and trying to be there to support her but also knowing it wasn’t enough. Having a kid was taxing enough but in the middle of the Covid pandemic made things all the more challenging. 
Sometime later I found out she had been communicating with someone she used to talk to. They were never in a formal relationship with each other but history existed. I’m a firm believer that you don’t entertain others when you’re in a relationship. She essentially told me this was her first relationship and she didn’t know what was and wasn’t acceptable. We also hadn’t discussed boundaries. She wasn’t wrong with what she said but I interpreted as an excuse. I still chose to stay even though I was heart broken because I felt like I had poured a lot into the relationship. Looking back I should have broken up with her and moved on but I instead stay and ultimately subjected her to a form of mental warfare. I flirted with other woman, found myself entertaining a coworker’s shenanigans. I went out drinking and would come home late. She eventually broke up with me, and while we did get back together the relationship was never the same.
Move forward another year and a half of normal relationship issues, myself working a lot of stressful hours (I work in a field that regularly demands 60+ weeks when work is in demand), and her working one day a week but being at home with a toddler everyday, she broke up with me again. Part of it was how we both were as people. Stubborn and often inconsiderate of the other. 8 months later and I’ve found myself still wanting my relationship back.

We still live together, in the current economy it’s the more economical decision and we both get to be around our son on the regular. We have both gotten into individual therapy for our own respective reasons and have dedicated the time to healing ourselves from the relationship and past traumas that may have come before then.  

We still do things as a family, only a select few people know we’re not together and we’re given our kids the two parent example even though we’re not together. Sex has happened since we have broken (only when she initiates it). And we talked about getting back together. I was initially told in time, and these days her response is for me to do what I feel is best for myself and not to wait on her. I really do feel like she is in her healing process and a relationship wouldn’t help but not sure if I should take her up on her advice or continue waiting knowing she may never come around and if so not for me. I’m not sure what to do and am looking for any advice or insight.

Thank you

[reinventmyself]

would she consider some couples counseling with you?  At the very least so you both can coparent to the best of you ability.

If she's totally against it, then I suppose you know where she stands.

[SydThaKid]

We’ve spoke to doing couples therapy if we ever considered getting back together. For now we’re just figuring things out on our own 

[reinventmyself]

2 minutes ago, SydThaKid said:

We’ve spoke to doing couples therapy if we ever considered getting back together. For now we’re just figuring things out on our own 

How's that working for you?

How about going even if you don't reconcile.

[SydThaKid]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

How's that working for you?

How about going even if you don't reconcile.

Not working the best I must say. I find myself wanting something that I probably never will have again. And going if we don’t reconcile is a conversation to be had with her. She’s a “one thing at a time” type of person and I don’t see her even conversing about therapy or counseling while she’s still in her own individual therapy.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, SydThaKid said:

. She’s a “one thing at a time” type of person and I don’t see her even conversing about therapy or counseling while she’s still in her own individual therapy.

Sorry this is happening. You're not really broken up or exes. You're living as a family and couple. Unfortunately you're in a standoff. A power struggle and a war. Basically you're in a toxic relationship, not "exes". 

Therapy is private and confidential and shouldn't be discussed with you.  You've done a lot of damage to yourselves, each other and the relationship.

Please start by losing the "ex" label. With that inaccurate status you're both still hurting yourselves.  Focus on parenting and please try to be kinder to each other. 

[SydThaKid]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You're not really broken up or exes. You're living as a family and couple. Unfortunately you're in a standoff. A power struggle and a war. Basically you're in a toxic relationship, not "exes". 

Therapy is private and confidential and shouldn't be discussed with you.  You've done a lot of damage to yourselves, each other and the relationship.

Please start by losing the "ex" label. With that inaccurate status you're both still hurting yourselves.  Focus on parenting and please try to be kinder to each other. 

Thank you for the advice and kind words. I’ve never wanted to know what she has going on in her respective therapy. I may be the topic of conversation or our relationship and she’s fully within her right to discuss those things or anything else as she sees fit. We’re exes and we have been for months. Once you start to flirt around with other people and telling your ex to move on and not wait. I convinced there’s no hope

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SydThaKid said:

. I’m a firm believer that you don’t entertain others when you’re in a relationship. She wasn’t wrong with what she said but I interpreted as an excuse. I instead stay and ultimately subjected her to a form of mental warfare. I flirted with other woman, found myself entertaining a coworker’s shenanigans. I went out drinking and would come home late. 

Hopefully she's addressing whatever she needs to address as far as postpartum depression, loneliness and whatever led her to confide in this person. Hopefully you are addressing the extreme jealousy and subsequent abuse you subjected her to. Perhaps you two will find peace. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

would she consider some couples counseling with you?  At the very least so you both can coparent to the best of you ability.

If she's totally against it, then I suppose you know where she stands.

I agree with this. As long as you are living together and coparenting your children, you both have an investment in cooperative communication. A counselor can help with this in terms of providing the right kind of guardrails to avoid a breakdown in the household. You can gain more information this way along with help for next steps.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SydThaKid said:

We’ve spoke to doing couples therapy if we ever considered getting back together. For now we’re just figuring things out on our own 

Please stay with individual therapy for both of you especially since some abuse was involved. Couples therapy can come later, if one or both of your therapists recommends it, but you will have to remove the, "ex" label . You're living together, sleeping together and functioning as a couple and family albeit with too much hurt and conflict. 

[MissCanuck]

Is she seeing anyone? 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, SydThaKid said:

SHe essentially told me this was her first relationship and she didn’t know what was and wasn’t acceptable. We also hadn’t discussed boundaries. 

That is like saying that an adult didnt know that the fire will burn them. Meaning that you didnt needed to discuss boundaries about stuff that is very basic for an adult to know. If you arent in some "modern" poly open relationship thing, its a common knowledge that she shouldnt message exes as your partner would mind such things. So yes, its an excuse. It doesnt justify what you did later though. That was bad from your side of things. 

Anyway, I think this is over, sorry. I have an aunt who chosed to stay with her ex husband after the divorce as both dont have anywhere else to go and they both invested into mutual home. But they both live on separated floors and dont mingle and their kids are adults already. For your own sake you should consider other options. You need to work out custody for sure. But you need to separated yourself in some way if this is over for good. So start exploring maybe some affordable appartment for yourself. 

[SydThaKid]

18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Is she seeing anyone? 

To my knowledge, no. Has openly said that she flirts with people from time to time but nothing serious

[SydThaKid]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is like saying that an adult didnt know that the fire will burn them. Meaning that you didnt needed to discuss boundaries about stuff that is very basic for an adult to know. If you arent in some "modern" poly open relationship thing, its a common knowledge that she shouldnt message exes as your partner would mind such things. So yes, its an excuse. It doesnt justify what you did later though. That was bad from your side of things. 

Anyway, I think this is over, sorry. I have an aunt who chosed to stay with her ex husband after the divorce as both dont have anywhere else to go and they both invested into mutual home. But they both live on separated floors and dont mingle and their kids are adults already. For your own sake you should consider other options. You need to work out custody for sure. But you need to separated yourself in some way if this is over for good. So start exploring maybe some affordable appartment for yourself. 

I appreciate your advice. I agree with your thought process of it’s like an adult not knowing fire will burn. We spoke last night and I realized I may have been at fault for more than I led on in the post. It’s one thing to acknowledge what you can see you’re doing wrong or what is communicated to you that you’re doing wrong, but the things that aren’t communicated to you that your partner holds in out of hurt…. Yeah I’ve been wrong about a lot more than I thought.
Economically things are hard right now and I wouldn’t make her homeless. The assumption across the post is that we still mingle and not just co exist in this house hold and outside of the child that’s pretty much it.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, SydThaKid said:

It’s one thing to acknowledge what you can see you’re doing wrong or what is communicated to you that you’re doing wrong, but the things that aren’t communicated to you that your partner holds in out of hurt…. Yeah I’ve been wrong about a lot more than I thought.

Really-really good work to recognize this.

Have you considered saying this to the women with whom you're living?

[SydThaKid]

37 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Really-really good work to recognize this.

Have you considered saying this to the women with whom you're living?

It was discussed in the conversation we had last night. I’ve become a firm believer that many problems can be solved with proper communication. Though I did realize where I was wrong the common theme from last night was lack of communication on both of our parts. Holding things in and growing resentment for your partner. Not a healthy habit to have but I believe it’s a trauma to address on both of our parts.

[Tinydance]

Well would you say your relationship was actually working well to begin with? I got the impression that you weren't dating that long before she got pregnant. And that you were trying to make it work for your son. If that was mainly the reason then you don't actually need to be together to co-parent.

It's bad that she was talking to her ex love interest but there is that saying: "Two wrongs don't make it right". If you want to set boundaries you can definitely do that. But to be honest it doesn't really make sense to tell her she shouldn't be flirting with other people but then you're doing it yourself. If you want to set a boundary then you both have to follow that boundary.

How long have you been living together since you broke up? Personally I wouldn't give it too much more time without actually getting back together. You could live with friends or housemates or something. If she doesn't want to get back together then it's just too confusing for you to keep living there. You're saying it's for financial reasons but I'm getting the sense you're mostly staying there to try to get back together. If she won't get back together then there doesn't seem to be any point to actually keep living together.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, SydThaKid said:

To my knowledge, no. Has openly said that she flirts with people from time to time but nothing serious

And how are you going to feel when she starts going on dates again? 

[SydThaKid]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And how are you going to feel when she starts going on dates again? 

Like her healing process is done or nearly done. I’m coming to terms with the damage the relationship must have done to her because I know the damage it’s done to me

[SydThaKid]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well would you say your relationship was actually working well to begin with? I got the impression that you weren't dating that long before she got pregnant. And that you were trying to make it work for your son. If that was mainly the reason then you don't actually need to be together to co-parent.

It's bad that she was talking to her ex love interest but there is that saying: "Two wrongs don't make it right". If you want to set boundaries you can definitely do that. But to be honest it doesn't really make sense to tell her she shouldn't be flirting with other people but then you're doing it yourself. If you want to set a boundary then you both have to follow that boundary.

How long have you been living together since you broke up? Personally I wouldn't give it too much more time without actually getting back together. You could live with friends or housemates or something. If she doesn't want to get back together then it's just too confusing for you to keep living there. You're saying it's for financial reasons but I'm getting the sense you're mostly staying there to try to get back together. If she won't get back together then there doesn't seem to be any point to actually keep living together.

Relationship was fine once upon a time. Not one to stick around for the kid, as bad as it sounds It’s not beneficial to any one to stick around for the kid. Interestingly enough I did not say I was currently talking to or flirting with anyone. I don’t see how doing such a thing fits into the  healing process I’m going through/therapy, that’s just me though. 
 

it’s been months and also I’m not sticking around to rekindle. But I do hear you on your stance and appreciate the advice 

[Andrina]

Since the issue is that you would both have separate accommodations if finances were better, then working on her being financially independent should be the goal. There are ways a woman with a toddler can start building a career, which could work into full time once your child begins school. She could trade babysitting hours with another mother and work part time. She could work at a daycare center that pays free tuition for your child when the parent teaches there. She could take classes, whether online or in person, when you are not working and caring for your child. Perhaps a grandparent is willing to babysit once a week for the benefit of her future career.

It'll also be beneficial to learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them in the future. In dating someone for 2 months before making a major decision like moving in together or creating a child together, realize you didn't know her well enough. If you hadn't created a child together, you might've broken up with her when you learned she had the poor ethics to be inappropriately communicating with other men. It was also hard on the relationship to bring a child into the relationship when you hadn't at first built a solid foundation.

Anyway, good luck on making these life transitions as stress-free as possible for your child.

[MissCanuck]

On 2/3/2024 at 7:46 AM, SydThaKid said:

Like her healing process is done or nearly done.

I don't get what you mean by this in relation to my question. 

Are you saying it wouldn't bother you if she starts seeing someone while you two are still living together? 

[SydThaKid]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't get what you mean by this in relation to my question. 

Are you saying it wouldn't bother you if she starts seeing someone while you two are still living together? 

I don’t think it would bother me one bit. As for now that’s something to address if or when the time comes