Seeking advice on the way partner treated me after coming to him insecure, hurt.

[Passionate]

Hi, I'm(25F) seeking advice on how my partner(35M) reacted last night.

On occasion, we swing and there haven't been issues regarding such. We have rules laid out and understand what makes one another uncomfortable which is why it worked for us. No judgment there, please.

We were provocatively texting a woman(30F) and I didn't read the entire conversation until the next morning. I saw he had reacted to her saying goodnight and I made a comment about it but, I only saw that from the notification. I woke up livid to find he arranged in conversation to have a long session with her, using his tongue, as well as from behind--never spoke of that being okay. I have mentioned previously that I don't like him taking a while when performing such on others. He seemed to have understood and respected such. His excuse was, that the female we were going to meet is a lesbian so she's probably only used to such. In conversation, he also spoke of making her legs quiver, then she responded and he responded "You and (my name here) legs." which made me feel like I wasn't included. Had I been included, he wouldn't have felt the need to correct himself but he said he knew I would feel some type of way about it and did.

During this conversation, I remained calm and collected and I've not been verbally abusive whatsoever. I'm a mother and I come from a previous relationship where my boundaries were crossed and I crossed boundaries so, I have a high tolerance for crap and I'm able to keep myself calm. We recently moved in together and have been seeing one another since July. He called me the B-word, continued to say how I make him want to call me names, and thinking we could work it out, I tried to talk to him twice about it. He threw an adult fit, I'm talking, slapping his knees, and throwing his phone. He also admitted to being a narcissist when I called him one. Trying to drop it, five hours later, I asked him to come to me and he said there would be no point. He's trying to find benefit in coming to me is what he said. So, I went upstairs, and at 2:30 AM I heard him leave the house. He said he was going to sleep in the parking lot at work, he's a foreman soon-to-be super intendant for a specialized construction company but, I've been cheated on in the past and I told him not to leave. He also threatened to leave me over this.

I must say, this isn't the first time he's cursed me out but, the third, and the last time, I told him, there would be consequences if it happened again.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Passionate said:

. I'm a mother and I come from a previous relationship where my boundaries were crossed and I crossed boundaries so.  We recently moved in together and have been seeing one another since July. He called me the B-word, continued to say how I make him want to call me names., this isn't the first time he's cursed me out but, the third, and the last time,.

Sorry this is happening. Where did you live before?  Why did you move in together after dating 6 mos.?

Please read up on abusive relationships. Please enlist the help of trusted friends and family to extricate yourself and your child from this abusive environment.  Please don't wait for a "next time". Especially with your child in the house. 

[Passionate]

Recently moved in together as I'm a mother and it was convenient for us both. Before this, I lived with my daughter's father and we concluded our lease civilly. 

[MissCanuck]

Get rid of this guy now. 

His behaviour is emotionally abusive and him getting violent (even if not directed at you - yet) is an enormous red flag. 

He is not a safe, healthy person for you or your daughter to be around. Period. 

[smackie9]

I sorry to say this but he mislead you.. I feel he is hiding under the guise of being a swinger to hide the fact he's having affairs/flings. Then when he is called out he diverts blame, becomes passive/aggressive. That's mental abuse/ manipulation/ gaslighting. I can see why you are very hurt. You put a lot of trust and commitment to this relationship, and it turns out he's a dirty dog. IMO what you see is what you get....he can't help himself, and no words from you is going to change that. Don't fall for his manipulative tactics to guilt you into staying. Get out while you can. You definitely deserve better. 

[Cherylyn]

Anyone who would disrespect me in that manner (or otherwise) is an automatic reject.  Never waste your time,  energy and resources on a person who abuses you.  They don't deserve to be in your life,  period.

[Capricorn3]

At this point your sole focus should be on the welfare of your child.  This is a toxic/dysfunctional  relationship and children pick up on these things very quickly.  You need to end this and do what's right for your child.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

At this point your sole focus should be on the welfare of your child.  This is a toxic/dysfunctional  relationship and children pick up on these things very quickly.  You need to end this and do what's right for your child.

Yes. I don't think your sexual arrangements have anything to do with this other than he chose to lash out about that and he chose to be deceitful about that. This is a broader more general issue - he is a person who doesn't care about you, who disrespects you, who thinks it's ok to act as he did. Yes I agree with Capricorn especially as a mom this is not ok

[catfeeder]

The disrespect alone would be enough for me to walk away, but there are two main problems with tantrums. 1) If you tolerate one and stick around, you've given tacit approval for the next one to escalate to something worse. 2) The loss of self control puts everyone around the tantrum-thrower at risk of accidental harm--so even if he doesn't intend to harm you or your child in a given moment, it can happen anyway.

This is just not a safe environment for you or your child. Consider contacting your local hospital's human services department for a referral to a violence prevention specialist. This is someone who can help you make a safe plan, and they can help you with resources not commonly known to the public.