My girlfriend (36F) kept me (41M) up all night before an important work project.

[harmlessmystic]

Something pretty heavy just happened in my relationship, and I'm reeling, exhausted and devastated.

Last week, I had an important film shoot (I'm a producer/director). I was delayed in picking up the gear, so it was 10:30PM or so before I had a chance to check all the equipment in our shared studio apartment. Still, it was 1:30hrs of work at most, and I could still get enough sleep that night.

My girlfriend arrived home around 10:00PM or so and the moment I started looking over the gear, she asked me if I needed help with the equipment. Initially, I thought this was a little unusual of an offer because she and I both knew that she doesn't know the gear. I politely reminded her of that fact, and that what I needed now was total quiet so I can focus on the 8-10 bags I had in my possession (to make sure nothing was missing, everything worked, to charge the batteries, etc.) We had done projects together in the past (with her starring, she's an artist), and she knew enough to know that, well, she didn't know the gear. So I continued to my task at hand.

Then the next question came (Do you want to look over your storyboards?). "I said, no, actually storyboards have been done for two days. What I really need is quiet." And then the next question came (Do you need help with interview questions?). I repeated a similar thing: "No, interview questions are done. I just need quiet." There was nowhere for me to go in our small studio apartment, so at one point I put on Airpods to drown her out but she still talked over the music! I had audio gear, camera gear and lighting, so even the smallest missing piece could be costly on the day of the shoot. It wasn't a hard task but I needed to be really focused for that hour and a half.

What followed from here I'm still having trouble getting over or understanding. For the next 2-3 hours, I was being offered help, which I didn't need, and I repeated myself again and again with the same refrain ("I just need quiet. Please.") that she repeatedly ignored. Every time I was interrupted, I lost my focus, and I had to start that particular task from the beginning.

I was getting more and more desperate as the hours went by. First, I was worried that I wouldn't get enough sleep. Then, I started worrying if the task would get finished at all. At a certain point in the night, this was still going on, 2AM or so, I started losing gas. So I shifted strategies and tried going to sleep. The idea was to get a bit of rest and then do it in the morning.

But at that point, my heart was racing, and I was so upset and confused about what was going on, that I couldn't sleep. So I got up again, with a bit of a second wind, and tried again, and there she was again, offering her help, distracting me. Over the course of the night, I went from politely asking to be left alone, to pleading, to begging, eventually I got angry and yelled. Nothing worked. In the end, I got less than an hour of rest that night, and was late to my own set because I had to do that essential work I couldn't finish with her interrupting me.

The shoot went well, somehow. But it could have been a complete disaster with me running on no sleep if I couldn't perform properly. I'm writing all this because I don't know what to do. My girlfriend and I have had a loving relationship with a lot of common ground and a lot of good times. I've known her for our entire relationship to be somewhat obsessive in her career (theater) and interests, which has its drawbacks. But I really love her. I'm still leaning towards breaking up. She gives no explanation for what happened.

What the actual heck just happened? Has anyone ever heard of behavior like this? In the context of what was seemingly a happy (4 years) relationship? I can't seem to get much out of her besides "You seemed stressed." But I wasn't! I was ready. I just don't understand what's going on.

The shoot on no sleep was grueling but I survived. I'm still so physically and mentally tired and beat up by what happened. I'm stunned anyone would behave this way. I just don't understand.

TL;DR My girlfriend of four years repeatedly interrupted me during important prep for a project and kept me up all night, jeopardizing me and the project. I'm stunned, have never heard of such a thing, and don't know what to do.

[MissCanuck]

I don't understand it, either. It's frankly very strange behaviour. 

But this comment stands out to me as a bit odd, too: 

18 minutes ago, harmlessmystic said:

In the context of what was seemingly a happy (4 years) relationship?

Do you think she is unhappy or trying to sabotage you or something? 

[harmlessmystic]

I think she'd say she was very happy in the relationship. What I meant was that other than what happened the night before the shoot, things have been going well.

[ShySoul]

That is odd, especially if she knew the drill and had gone through similar events like this with you in the past. Is she easily excitable or usually offers to help out with things? I know some people who get an idea stuck in their head about what another person needs or will help them out and insist on doing it regardless what the other person says. It's like their need to do this becomes more important then what the person actually says they need. 

If it is bothering you, let her know. Say that while you appreciate the offer, her constantly asking actually caused you more stress and that things nearly went wrong because of it. Work out that you will let her know when you need help and that it's best to give you space when you are working on these projects. 

If things are going well otherwise, and nothing actually went wrong with the shoot, I would chalk this up as a one time thing for now. Get some rest first, clear your head before making any decisions. Then talk to her rationally. See if there is anything she needs to talk about while expressing your side. If things seem okay, then I wouldn't stop an otherwise happy relationship of four years over one incident. Just make sure this doesn't continue to be an issue.

[MissCanuck]

50 minutes ago, harmlessmystic said:

I'm still so physically and mentally tired and beat up by what happened.

I can't help but get the sense that we are missing a piece of the story. 

I get why you were frustrated with her, but your words here are pretty extreme and more reflective of someone who believes their partner acted with malicious intent.  

She was inconsiderate of your requests to be left alone, yes, but I also think you are over-reacting and over-dramatizing this if your relationship is otherwise a great one. Or is there something more going on with you - are you happy in this relationship? Or are you perhaps looking for exit hatch? 

[harmlessmystic]

Sorry to sound melodramatic, if I did. Part of it is the situation. It takes a lot of stamina and concentration to direct for ten hours with all eyes on me. On less than an hour of sleep, it was absolutely brutal, not just mentally but physically as well. I'm still recovering. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, harmlessmystic said:

. So I shifted strategies and tried going to sleep. The idea was to get a bit of rest and then do it in the morning.eventually I got angry and yelled. Nothing worked. 

Shifting strategies was a good idea since it seems like you were having a panic attack because she was annoying you by trying to be "helpful", so she could get some rest when you're done.  There's something else going on here if one night of lost sleep makes you want to break up.

[harmlessmystic]

13 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I know some people who get an idea stuck in their head about what another person needs or will help them out and insist on doing it regardless what the other person says. It's like their need to do this becomes more important then what the person actually says they need. 

This is really interesting. Thanks for sharing. I just don't know. 

[harmlessmystic]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's something else going on here if one night of lost sleep makes you want to break up.

You're right. It makes me lose trust potentially. The experience was harrowing and potentially detrimental to my career. I do not know if it's going to happen again. 

[MissCanuck]

How has this relationship been for you, apart from this particular episode?

Had you been having some doubts prior to this? 

 

[harmlessmystic]

Over the last 2 months, I have begun having some doubts.

It feels like all the things we do are about her. It also feels like I am 5th or 6th in the importance of things (after career, friends - even things like Instagram or plants). 

We also had an incident about a month and a half ago where she was away on a work project (theater) and I called her and she asked me "Do we even like each other anymore?" I was stunned. She had only been gone for a week, and she was asking with sincerity. Later I went to visit her in this other city and she asked me again in bed "Do we even like each other anymore?" It really hurt. She went on to treat me like a stranger for that entire trip.

[MissCanuck]

Okay, so my suspicion that there is a lot more to the story was correct. 

It seems your reaction to this particular night is not just about the night in question, but a culmination of hurt and uncertainty and tension building over the last little while. 

12 minutes ago, harmlessmystic said:

she asked me "Do we even like each other anymore?"

12 minutes ago, harmlessmystic said:

she asked me again in bed "Do we even like each other anymore?"

Did you ask her why she kept repeating this? 

It seems that maybe she is no longer happy, so I am not sure why you also said this (unless you've been in some denial):

1 hour ago, harmlessmystic said:

I think she'd say she was very happy in the relationship

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, harmlessmystic said:

I just don't understand.

Do you even women? Its just a cry for attention. She probably feels neglected with you dedicating a time to a project and wanted you to spend some time with her in any way possible. You could talk to her about that and see if she feels that way and see if there is a solution. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Miss Canuck -it's cumulative.  Trying to perform at an important work event on no sleep (been there!!) is so hard and anxiety-provoking and I'm sorry. My husband and I are very in tune about these sorts of situations and we're in related fields -when he says he needs or seems to need quiet at most I will ask once if I can help and then - it's quiet -and we live in an apartment and telework often.  Have you and your partner always had these careers when together and have they stayed similarly busy/productive etc? 

The other oddity is -I assume you communicate like this regularly -you have to focus so you say if needed "sorry I'm busy -talk to you later" or the like -was her reaction to continue pursuing "helping" you unusual?

[catfeeder]

Tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. Did you look her directly in the eyes when you asked her to stop interrupting you? What was her reaction? Did you keep her focus on your eyes during her response? Did you ask her to tell you what, exactly, she understands about your request?

If, after doing this in an eye-focused way (as opposed to a call out over your shoulder), she still interrupted, then yes, she may have some kind of mental or emotional problem. But to get through the immediate issue, I'd have 'managed' her as one would a small child. I'd have thanked her for teaming up with me, handed her a notepad, and started saying out loud exactly what I'm doing with each tool or part so she can record my tests. I'd maybe have given her boxes or bags of smaller things to count and record, or I'd otherwise count out loud and announce all my inventories for her to write down. If she couldn't stay focused but continued to interrupt, I'd thank her again and hand her something else she can do--whether I actually needed it of her, or not. Maybe I'd have given her the job of making or ordering some coffee or food. Even if I wasn't hungry.

However, now that you're on the other side of this incident, I agree that you'll need to reconcile what you want to do about this. Not only can't you continue working this way, you'll need to decide whether you're done, or whether you're invested enough in this woman to discover how intentional her behaviors may have been, or otherwise, support her in seeking medical and psychological assessments. If she won't comply, you'll need to decide if you want to break up, and make a plan for the best possible way to do that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, harmlessmystic said:

I politely reminded her of that fact, and that what I needed now was total quiet

 

14 hours ago, harmlessmystic said:

Then the next question came (Do you want to look over your storyboards?). "I said, no, actually storyboards have been done for two days. What I really need is quiet."

 

14 hours ago, harmlessmystic said:

And then the next question came (Do you need help with interview questions?). I repeated a similar thing: "No, interview questions are done. I just need quiet."

^^In my opinion, the reason why she wasn't "getting it" was because you were too polite!  

Sometimes we need to be really assertive, even a bit harsh if necessary otherwise it won't sink in.

I experienced this with an ex who was a photographer (we were living together); he was in his dark room developing prints and I walked in wanting to tell him something and holy cow, he bit my head off!  He got super angry and snapped at me very harshly to NEVER do that again, when he's in his dark room, he needs to be left alone!

He wasn't verbally abusive or anything close, just very assertive and harsh, certainly not 'polite.'

I got pretty upset, I even created a thread about it on another forum, but people assured me that he was justified in his annoyance and we made up later. 

We both apologized - me for interrupting his quiet (and darkness) and him for snapping at me. 

And guess what?  I NEVER interrupted him again any time he needed quiet and space.  

JMO and experience.

 

[smackie9]

Odd behavior? prob had taken a happy pill of some kind....You can't get any real answers from us...you should be communicating your concerns to her personally.