Should I stop seeing this girl?

[loveatlas1010]

Hey so I (27M) been seeing this girl (25F) for roughly 3 weeks. We met over christmas break on hinge and i was gone for a month so we talked a bit and i was surprised she actually waited for me to get back. We finally met on January 5th and things went pretty well. We have went on 4 more “dates” since then. I say that because some of them weren’t formal but rather hanging out, gym together, etc. but 3 Real dates we have beeen on. The interaction between us is odd. I am a very upbeat, extroverted dude and she told me when we  met and idk how it came up but that she is not too “open” and that she likes to be a listener. which idk what that even means. During our text conversations , she is very sometimes dry, and she often changes subjects so quick. We will be talking about something and she will respond with something totally different which puts me in an awkward position because half the things she says , i don’t even know how to respond. So, texting is spotty, sometimes awkward ,etc. I also noticed when we were hanging out , she was on her phone a lot of the time which irritated me. The main thing i’m hear to ask is that, should i keep this girl around? I am always the one initiating conversation, always keeping it going and sometimes she seems so shy , when i know when she’s with her friends she’s very talkative at times. Today i didn’t text her at all to see if she would actually put in the effort to talk, and she didn’t text me all day at all except at 7pm that said “Hope you’re okay today!”….I mean am i crazy or is that a wierd thing to say to someone you are “going out with”, as well as waiting all day to even say anything, and that be your first text???? Idk i need some of yall to shed some light for me because it’s odd. I’m tempted to ask what she is loooing for out of this, or what is her communicative preference ,etc because i’m a.very straight forward mature man and i don’t play games , but it’s so hard to read her and she confuses me every other day. so yall let me know please 🙏

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

 . Today i didn’t text her at all to see if she would actually put in the effort to talk, and she didn’t text me all day at all except at 7pm that said “Hope you’re okay today!”….I mean am i crazy or is that a wierd thing to say to someone you are “going out with”, 

Unfortunately her interest level seems rather low. Additionally you seem incompatible and she seems annoying to you. Perhaps reflect if it's worth your while asking her out again. 

[waffle]

5 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

Today i didn’t text her at all to see if she would actually put in the effort to talk

<snip>

I’m a very straight forward mature man and i don’t play games

Ummmm . . . ?? 🙄

[loveatlas1010]

9 minutes ago, waffle said:

Ummmm . . . ?? 🙄

well realistically i was busy and prob could’ve shot a text her way but as i said, if i didn’t text her consistently , i wouldn’t ever hear from here. it’s crazy but the truth. gotta see where the effort lies

[loveatlas1010]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately her interest level seems rather low. Additionally you seem incompatible and she seems annoying to you. Perhaps reflect if it's worth your while asking her out again. 

should i bring up, obviously with “I” statements that i am initiating every conversation and it feels like exhausting . she did just respond finally after i texted her back 3 hours ago and she’s said “hi. i didn’t wanna bother you haha” and then some other stuff but yeah

[ShySoul]

17 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

she told me when we  met and idk how it came up but that she is not too “open” and that she likes to be a listener. which idk what that even means. During our text conversations , she is very sometimes dry, and she often changes subjects so quick. We will be talking about something and she will respond with something totally different which puts me in an awkward position because half the things she says , i don’t even know how to respond.

She was honest about herself from the start so I don't see it as a game she's playing. Shy, introverted people don't always communicate in ways an extroverted person is used to. Being a listener means just that, she is more comfortable listening then initiating a conversation and going on and on about something. Someone like that tends to be supportive and understanding, can often get to the heart of what you are saying quickly. They may talk less, but when they do talk it's often deeper and will be a subject they feel strongly about. Trust me, hit us on a topic we love and we can get just as talkative. You just need to find the right topic and make us feel comfortable enough to open up.

When she changes the subjects, is it to avoid something she isn't comfortable talking about? For a shy person, we don't like to open up. So we may deflect and talk about something else. Or we try to move the topic to something where the other person will do more talking. Or we just get nervous and say random things because our mind isn't sure what to say. 

28 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I am always the one initiating conversation, always keeping it going and sometimes she seems so shy , when i know when she’s with her friends she’s very talkative at times

She's talkative with them because she's known them longer and has taken the time to get more comfotable with them. There is a level of trust and understanding that has developed. For an introvert, once we feel comfortable with someone who "gets us," we aren't always as shy as we are with people we aren't as used to. Doesn't mean we don't like you, just that we need more time.

As for what you should do, that's up to you. How do you feel about her? If you are someone who doesn't want to deal with the basic communication differences between your personalities, then it's fine to mutually part ways. But if you seem to get along otherwise, then talk to her. Try to find a middle ground, both reaching out to where the other person is at while not compromising on what makes you, you. It would be a shame to lose out on something potientially great without fully giving it a chance.

Also, I'd advise to not think of it as "keeping this girl around." Makes it sound like she's a thing to be kept or discarded. She's a person, so try to understand her for the unique person she is.

 

[loveatlas1010]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

She was honest about herself from the start so I don't see it as a game she's playing. Shy, introverted people don't always communicate in ways an extroverted person is used to. Being a listener means just that, she is more comfortable listening then initiating a conversation and going on and on about something. Someone like that tends to be supportive and understanding, can often get to the heart of what you are saying quickly. They may talk less, but when they do talk it's often deeper and will be a subject they feel strongly about. Trust me, hit us on a topic we love and we can get just as talkative. You just need to find the right topic and make us feel comfortable enough to open up.

When she changes the subjects, is it to avoid something she isn't comfortable talking about? For a shy person, we don't like to open up. So we may deflect and talk about something else. Or we try to move the topic to something where the other person will do more talking. Or we just get nervous and say random things because our mind isn't sure what to say. 

She's talkative with them because she's known them longer and has taken the time to get more comfotable with them. There is a level of trust and understanding that has developed. For an introvert, once we feel comfortable with someone who "gets us," we aren't always as shy as we are with people we aren't as used to. Doesn't mean we don't like you, just that we need more time.

As for what you should do, that's up to you. How do you feel about her? If you are someone who doesn't want to deal with the basic communication differences between your personalities, then it's fine to mutually part ways. But if you seem to get along otherwise, then talk to her. Try to find a middle ground, both reaching out to where the other person is at while not compromising on what makes you, you. It would be a shame to lose out on something potientially great without fully giving it a chance.

Also, I'd advise to not think of it as "keeping this girl around." Makes it sound like she's a thing to be kept or discarded. She's a person, so try to understand her for the unique person she is.

 

I understand what you are saying. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that . But i mean it’s more like her texts are like “yeah we can do that!” or “that sounds awesome , my friends and i are going to XYZ!. What are you doing?”… it’s just very idk i’m not used to it. less expressive i suppose? She’s a great girl otherwise.  she just changes subjects , like a lot and i don’t feel that’s there uncomfortable at all, it’s just normal things lol and if i’m being honest, in 5 dates , i haven’t really found a hobby she loves doing or topics she’s passionate about . Again she hasn’t disclosed any of that. even when i ask lol i mean she likes horses and country things , and likes to go out with friends. but it’s so hard to have to delegate my way of communication to find topics to talk aboit with her. It’s like trying to pick a needle in a haystack and just ask random questions like an interview and find out what she likes. i’ve done that on the first date but not interview style but it almost feels like i have to do that😂 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

should i bring up, obviously with “I” statements that i am initiating every conversation and it feels like exhausting . 

Dating is to get to know someone to see if there is interest and compatibility. So far it seems low. 

Having a handful of dates is not for calling people out and trying to change them. "I" statements are simply candy coated blame games..

What not set yourself free, cut your losses and find someone you actually like. 

[Tinydance]

Well I think that being on your phone on dates is rude. That would annoy me as well. It's actually my pet peeve when people are on their phone a lot even when we are just hanging out as friends. In terms of her other behaviours, I don't really see anything that weird.

I'm not really sure why you think it's weird that she texted you: "Hope you're OK today!" You said you were basically initiating all messages so when she didn't hear from you, she asked if you're OK. To me that message seemed to be an equivalent of asking "How are you going?" 

If she's shy and quiet then that's just her personality which won't change. If you're not into her then you don't have to keep seeing her. It's OK if you're not feeling a spark. If you do like her though then you could give it more chances. Five dates isn't really long to be dating. If she's quite shy, she may be taking longer to open up.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

I also noticed when we were hanging out , she was on her phone a lot of the time

I find this rude, and I personally would not be interested in hanging out with her again. 

Couple this with strained communication, it appears this is just not a match.

[smackie9]

Don't bend over backwards for this girl, she has put in zero effort....punt her to the curb.

[catfeeder]

I think it's perfectly reasonable, not 'playing games,' to pull back on initiating conversations or invitations in order to learn whether someone you're dating will step up to contribute toward a fair balance. Why 'should' it all be on you? Why would reciprocity not be a valid thing to desire in dating?

I think it's possible that the more dating experience a person has, the less weight they need to put into the question of whether to keep seeing someone who doesn't inspire them. I raise this, because if you feel compelled to hang in there because you're not confident about when you might find your next dating opportunity, then this becomes less about your compatibility and enjoyment and more about an internal pressure to force a fit with what you've got.

One helpful question I like to ask myself is, "If it would not hurt this person's feelings for me to not want to see them anymore, what would I want to do?"

If you remove dreaded consequences from the question, it's easier to get to your truth.

[jul-els]

Sounds like you’re highly incompatible. Don’t waste your time. Thank her and move on. 

[ShySoul]

21 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

. But i mean it’s more like her texts are like “yeah we can do that!

Some people are more passive and go with the flow. I generally don't care what the activity is as I'm more focused on who I am with. If it's something I wouldn't want to do, I'll say so. But generally those I chose to be around are of a similar mindset in what we like, so there aren't any problems. Not saying you're doing anything wrong, just trying to provide a different perspective on what she might be thinking. The choice is yours on how much more you are willing to put in. If you really aren't interested, it might be best for both sides to stop.

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think it's perfectly reasonable, not 'playing games,' to pull back on initiating conversations or invitations in order to learn whether someone you're dating will step up to contribute toward a fair balance. Why 'should' it all be on you? Why would reciprocity not be a valid thing to desire in dating?

There are plenty of people, of any gender, who would probably prefer one person to generally initiate conversations or invitations. There can still be reciprocity, just in different ways. It's about finding the balance that works for that particular relationship and for each person.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

There are plenty of people, of any gender, who would probably prefer one person to generally initiate conversations or invitations. There can still be reciprocity, just in different ways. It's about finding the balance that works for that particular relationship and for each person.

Sure, that may work if both people are happy with that. But if I'm the one who's tired of initiating, I don't need to knock myself out to stay on that hamster wheel. It's not 'game playing' to back off and allow the other to initiate if they want to do so. If they don't, then there's the answer.