Strange fall out with a female friend?

[MartynH]

Hi everyone, I have known this friend who is female since school. She used to have a crush on me.

She reconnected with me and started messaging me nearly everyday for nearly a year and occasionally called me. She did this using Facebook messenger. She is married with 2 children which I respected.

One day we were having a casual chat about cars and then out of nowhere she said

“ i’m not doing this anymore”.

I asked what and she said “ Talking on messenger, we are not on the same wavelength”. This was totally random. She wouldn’t explain what she was talking about. Especially the part about being on the same wavelength because we have been speaking everyday for a year and always got on really well.

She said " I'm gone after this, it freaks me out too much".

Anyway she unfriended and blocked me which really confused me! Two days later she re-added me and started messaging me again. I told her that I didn’t appreciate her cryptic behaviour and randomly falling out with me without explanation and she apologized.

One night she wanted to ring me and 12:30pm at night and I was just ready for bed. She called and we spoke to a while and she hung up on me half way through a very casual conversation about holidays etc. She deleted Facebook and messenger but she has my phone number. I am baffled what to make of all this. She did say in the past she doesn’t want to talk by text or whatsapp which I don’t understand because she was fine messaging and calling nearly everyday on messenger.

What do you make of this?

[Batya33]

Maybe her husband suspects something or saw the messages. 

[Lambert]

sounds like on her end, this is a conflict with her marriage. Maybe even an emotional affair. 

She's freaked out. 

Maybe just leave her allow now. Don't respond. Walk away. She's married and messed up.  

Do you have a partner? Do you want one? Maybe you do and then you can talk to them everyday instead. 

I know it sucks, a friend and all... but this is about her, not you. 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, MartynH said:

.What do you make of this?

She is married with 2 children . Basically she doesn't have the time or energy for this much chitchat.

Maybe she was lonely or something for a while or she came to her senses about attending to her marriage and family rather than idle FB chitchat.

Perhaps she sensed you're lonely or bored or should find a GF and didn't want to give you the wrong impression. Either way it's best to move forward and respect her boundaries. 

[MartynH]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is married with 2 children . Basically she doesn't have the time or energy for this much chitchat.

Maybe she was lonely or something for a while or she came to her senses about attending to her marriage and family rather than idle FB chitchat.

Perhaps she sensed you're lonely or bored or should find a GF and didn't want to give you the wrong impression. Either way it's best to move forward and respect her boundaries. 

I would agree but for a year she was messaging me, I wasn't messaging her. It was a lot more than idle chit chat. I was happy to be friends and respectful of her marriage.

[catfeeder]

58 minutes ago, MartynH said:

I would agree but for a year she was messaging me, I wasn't messaging her. It was a lot more than idle chit chat. I was happy to be friends and respectful of her marriage.

Either she's the kind of friend who will explain her behavior, or she's a flake who won't. You get to decide whether you'll put up with this, or not. You're the one who knows her. We don't.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MartynH said:

I would agree but ....

She seems to have explained it quite clearly . Maybe her own reasons, maybe you said something that turned her off. 

But please respect her need to pull back. It seems you may indeed know the reasons she withdrew but don't agree and don't think she should have. 

“ i’m not doing this anymore”. “ Talking on messenger, we are not on the same wavelength”.  " I'm gone after this, it freaks me out too much".

[MartynH]

15 hours ago, Lambert said:

sounds like on her end, this is a conflict with her marriage. Maybe even an emotional affair. 

She's freaked out. 

Maybe just leave her allow now. Don't respond. Walk away. She's married and messed up.  

Do you have a partner? Do you want one? Maybe you do and then you can talk to them everyday instead. 

I know it sucks, a friend and all... but this is about her, not you. 

I am really bad at reading between the lines. From my point of view one minute we were friends and then she is just freaking out.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, MartynH said:

. From my point of view one minute we were friends and then she is just freaking out.

Her replies seem to be in response to whatever happened between "we were friends" and "just freaking out".  Only you know what those exchanges were. 

[SherrySher]

I'm not sure that a bunch of explanations would matter at this point.

The only information that you need, is that this person doesn't respect you enough to speak to you openly, and honestly.

They also have no problem dumping you as a friend, like yesterday trash, and again, not caring how it would affect you.

This isn't a friend.

Block, delete, move on.

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, MartynH said:

What do you make of this?

She still has a thing for you?

What is the allure in this? OK you maybe want a pen pal or something. But hearing with somebody every day suggests pretty big closeness. You never see each other so you just message every day? What are you getting out of this? 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

She still has a thing for you?

3 hours ago, MartynH said:

From my point of view one minute we were friends and then she is just freaking out.

Her back and forth erratic behavior suggest to me she's extremely conflicted. 

On one hand, she's married and has a family, on the other she's infatuated with you and the more you talk, the more emotionally entrenched she becomes. 

She becomes angry at you because even though SHE is one messaging you and propelling your interaction forward, she subconsciously (or consciously) blames YOU for eliciting such strong feelings, which are clearly causing her a great deal of discomfort.

Friends don't behave this erratically and have "freak outs."   If she wanted to back away from your 'friendship' and focus on her family, she would.  No back and forth and no freak outs. 

This goes deeper and would bet my 401K she's in love with you. 

How do you feel about her?

[MartynH]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her replies seem to be in response to whatever happened between "we were friends" and "just freaking out".  Only you know what those exchanges were. 

Thats the thing there was no in between. We were having a conversation about cars (we both like cars) and then she's telling me  "I'm not doing this", " we aren't on the same wavelength", " It freaks me out".

 

I mean, fair enough but it was so random.

 

 

[catfeeder]

23 minutes ago, MartynH said:

Thats the thing there was no in between. We were having a conversation about cars (we both like cars) and then she's telling me  "I'm not doing this", " we aren't on the same wavelength", " It freaks me out".

 

I mean, fair enough but it was so random.

Maybe she's PO'd because you're talking about cars while she wants you to come on to her.

She sounds like a complete flake who's been living in her own head.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, MartynH said:

She did say in the past she doesn’t want to talk by text or whatsapp . We were having a conversation about cars and then she's telling me, " we aren't on the same wavelength", " It freaks me out".

Perhaps random to you, but she has a lot of other stuff to attend to in her life and only you know what "we aren't on the same wavelength" means. Perhaps it was getting too cozy or too much for her. 

Especially if you were pushing for phone numbers, texting , Whatsapp, etc. . Keep in mind chatting with friends/classmates on FB is fine for married people but you seem to have pushed the envelope too far, which she sensed and cut it off. 

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, MartynH said:

I am really bad at reading between the lines. From my point of view one minute we were friends and then she is just freaking out.

Right.  Well that's kinda how a freak out goes.

I think there were more than friendship feelings on her end.  It probably started innocent enough.  She is married and even though she had a crush, it was in the past. 

then being friends her feelings came back.  But again, she's married.  So she's definitely going to have to make some changes. 

She can't destroy her family over this.  So she ends the friendship but she does feel bad about it.

It's a confusing time 

[Cherylyn]

I've had several relatives having the nerve to hang up on me during my mid-sentence telephone conversation and that was it for me. 🤬 If estrangement is not possible,  remaining civil with strong boundaries works. 

What do I make of this?  Any time a person feels entitled to mistreat you in any way shape or form,  they're not worth the dirt underneath your feet.  👣 That's what I make of it.  😒

If you can afford it,  dump people who aren't worth wasting your life on.  They obviously don't think much of you so return the favor and do likewise.  What goes around,  comes around.  😉

[Wiseman2]

On 1/7/2024 at 2:06 PM, MartynH said:

 then she's telling me  "I'm not doing this", " we aren't on the same wavelength", " It freaks me out".it was so random.

Not really random. It seems she was enforcing boundaries and you crossed them. It may have been something else she was contemplating before the more benign car talk, but only you know what that is, for example saying or sending something  lewd or off colour.