10 months in,depressed GF was talking to other guys two months into relationship

[Jz1518]

Gf(24) and I(M26) have been officially dating for about 10 months. We met in late January 2023 thru dating app. Went official/exclusive in late February. Few days ago she received a text on her phone. Text was from a unsaved random number talking about how this person was thinking about her from when they met back April 2023 on a dating site, he called her sexy and also addressed her by her real name, so it wasn't a wrong number type situation.

I first asked her if she has ever cheated on me and she said no.(I asked this before telling her about the messages she just received) She said no she hasn't cheated on me. Asked again telling her she has one last chance. She said "no, never". That's when I showed her the texts she just got back from this person and she told me that she doesn't know the number and this guy must be from back when before we started talking/dating because she admitted to being on that site when single. But the text mentioned meeting(online) back in April, we went official in February!

 Now because she lied to me, I asked her to let me see her messages. I typed in the name of the dating site in messages search bar. That keyword only appeared in her chats with her one friend(female).

These are the things I found (Dates of conversations between gf and friend are from April 17-18 and 22nd) 

1st. (April 17-18) My GF texted her friend about 2 guys she met on the dating site. Referring to them as sugar daddy's. Texting one and Snapchatting the other. Looking at my gf and friend conversations it didn't go further than that, no more mentions of those two guys after the 18th. GF told me it didn't go any further than those two days and they never met up. 

2nd. April (18) GF mentioning to friend how she "deep scrolling" on a cute guy's Instagram trying to see if he was single.

3rd. April 22nd gf and friends went to party/bar, some guys talked to them. Mentions in their groupchat that she has dibs on one of the guys. Gf got some guys insta, they messaged three times between each other and that's it. 

No text messages or Snapchat from the sugar daddy's were found on her phone, so they got deleted. Only proof is from friends conversations. She said she never met up with them, and chats didn't go further than those two days. Nothing else suspicious was found in her phone, only that specific week of April.  

Back in April she got molluscum contagiosum around her crotch/thighs/butt. I eventually got it from her, but mine appeared later in July. She said that she's sorry and never slept with anybody else, while we were together. But it's weird to me she got molluscum around same time she was talking to others. I don't know what to believe. 

Overall she really is a nice loving person, I can tell she cares for me. But ever since I met her she has had depression and blames her mental state back then for what she did, and that her friends are not good influences. She takes meds and goes to therapy. In July she actually tried to commit suicide. She drank a bunch of pills and alcohol, luckily she woke up the next day. She was put in a hospital for almost a month. She's still struggling with depression but seems way better. She does have a really bad memory, is forgetful especially of dates. So when she told me that when she was on the dating site it was before she met me, and the conversation with her friend that shows the evidence, she told me it wasn't from yr 2023 but from 2022. She met that friend in march 2023 after we started dating. So maybe she actually thought that was true and thought she was telling me the truth?

 Basically for the first 5 months or so she wasn't in a good mental state. Is that a reasonable excuse for what she did to me? Wondering if I should forgive her and get past this because it was in the beginning of our relationship. I'm not sure if I can trust her if we get back together. We're on a break right now, taking some time to think about what to do. Any advice? 

Tldr: 10 months into relationship, just found out gf was just talking to other guys two months into our relationship, supposedly no meetups or sex. Advice on whether to forgive her and stay together. Not sure what to do.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Jz1518 said:

My GF texted her friend about 2 guys she met on the dating site. Referring to them as sugar daddy's.

I would check myself out if I read this. People dont seem to realize that its not about the cheating but about the integrity of the person. You can brush off that she talked to other people when you were basically strangers. That happens a lot today, lots of people on dating sites do that and dont focus on one person because also lots of people just fizzles out after few sentences or days talking. Or even dates. But the integrity of the person you date stays there. Somebody who reffers about the men who she met on a dating site as "Sugar Daddys", doesnt have a lot of integrity. And you can generelly expect stuff like(lying and cheating) that from somebody who really doesnt have too much integrity regarding that stuff. If she breaks up with you she probably has another "Sugar Daddy" who would message her. As you can see yourself. Bonus points for her sexually transmiting you a gross skin desease. Really stand up individual.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jz1518 said:

 April she got molluscum contagiosum around her crotch/thighs/butt. I eventually got it from her. July she actually tried to commit suicide. She drank a bunch of pills and alcohol. She was put in a hospital for almost a month. 

Unfortunately this is an inordinate amount of drama and turmoil for one year of dating. She has serious mental health issues and you're already policing her phone. The relationship sounds toxic.

"Breaks" don't improve things. Please reflect why you're hanging on to this situation. Please consider setting each other free from this situation. So you can both heal and take care of yourselves.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Jz1518 said:

Basically for the first 5 months or so she wasn't in a good mental state. Is that a reasonable excuse for what she did to me?

No, it's not. 

And a break isn't going to change anything. You need to just break up and be done with her. You cannot trust her and she's got far too many serious issues that need to be addressed before she'll be ready for a healthy relationship. 

 

[lostandhurt]

Okay this is coming from a guy that was cheated on after 20 years together.

What you are doing is trying to find excuses/reasons to forgive her.  She has a bad memory, she forgets dates, it was early in our relationship...

  You are searching for something so you can justify to yourself for forgiving her.  This is not a good sign and I know because I did the same thing. Mine was: is she on drugs, is she depressed, overwhelmed with our disabled son and on and on.  In the end there is no excuse for cheating or attempting to cheat as it is a clear choice they are making.  It isn't a mistake, it isn't peer pressure (bad influence from friends), it isn't depression, it isn't the length of the relationship or anything else.  It is a choice, one they can make or not make but it is all theirs to own. 

 Usually in the early stages of a new relationship the honeymoon phase is going strong so the last thing you would expect is for your gf to be scrolling through dating sites, meeting men at a bar or chatting with them up online but that is exactly what she was doing.  Whether or not she had sex with one or all of them doesn't matter, what matters is her actions and character.  I don't see how you will ever be able to trust her again, do you?

  She is a  mess and has no business agreeing to be exclusive with anyone in my opinion.

  I think you should take some more time away from her to see her for who she really is and then the decision to end this will be a lot easier.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

You can't love someone into becoming a better person. Her behaviors were deliberate and her lies about them were deliberate. You have every reason not to trust her--she's untrust-worthy.

[smackie9]

And that is what depression can do to a person...look for something that will give them a dopamine boost to feel good. Obviously this person hasn't developed the skills or is on the right medication to deal with it. This has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you can do to fix this. It is a her problem not a you problem. The best solution is to dissolve this relationship, and find happiness with someone else. 

[ShySoul]

First I hope she is able to address the mental issues that have troubled her and applaud you for being there for her and trying to help her out. However, that's still no excuse for her behavior. She is in full control of her actions and knew what she was doing. Even if she got the dates confused when you asked, the proof is right there that during the time you were "exclusive" with her, so was far from exclusive with you. Someone committed to their relationship doesn't call dibs on other guys and look for a sugar daddy. Someone who cares for you doesn't give you a disease. Relationships need honesty and trust, and she has broken that trust. 

It's ultimately up to you if you feel she can change and the two of you can work through this. But her behavior indicates she is not ready for or in the correct mental state for a real relationship.